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Original poster

How to get over jealousy of your husband

41 replies

ImTooFarAwayFromBeingMe · 22/07/2017 17:15

So my husband has so much freedom. With me being a SAHM I don't go anywhere, I don't have friends because I don't have the chance to make any. I've always been the main carer for the children. We have 5. My husband is working long hours until Thursday and Monday Wednesday and Thursday the hours will be way up until 21:00 at night. He has Friday off and he wants to spend this day meeting his friends for a night out so he will probably leave home at 17:00 Friday and then he out all night probably until 2:00am. He's off Saturday as well but he will be hungover all that day so he won't want to do much then so I'm very jealous that I will be stuck at home with the kids doing the cooking and tea and bedtime routine Monday through to Friday without little help from him and I won't get one bit of a. Real during that time and I'm extremely jealous and resentful that he can just go off on Friday and relax with his friends. It will be Saturday before I get any help but he will be hungover so won't be up to doing much. Is it normal for me to feel jealous of this? He does go out regularly although it's not every week and I go nowhere. I don't have any family to help me so I feel really alone. I am seething with anger at the thought of Him going out. He also gets to pursue a hobby of his 2 nights a week too. I just feel angry, resentful and jealous and I just don't know how to get past it. If I take the children out as it's the summer Holidays now i can't keep them cooped up at home it will be a very stressful event because it's a nightmare taking them on public transport. ( I don't drive but my husband does)
Am I in the wrong to feel the way I do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2017 17:19

I would be furious with him. What a selfish bastard.

wowbutter · 22/07/2017 17:22

Christ he sounds awful. Why does he have a wife and children?
Fuck that. Why and how did it get this bad?

thestamp · 22/07/2017 17:31

I would never be able to cope like that.

You desperately need to make friends and get a social life in place. That means clearing some space in the family calendar for you to get out of the home. At LEAST once a week. Even just to the gym or for a walk if nothing else.

He needs to pay for a babysitter if he can't parent while you're out. Do you have access to money? I'd start with hiring someone for 4 hours a week.

TwatteryFlowers · 22/07/2017 17:36

I don't think it is something you can get over or put to one side; it's something you need to discuss with your husband and make clear that the situation needs to change before you walk. It sounds almost like he's given up on being an equal partner and parent and is more like someone who happens to share your address.

What is the possibility of you getting a job, whether that be full- or part-time or with hours that reduce the requirement for childcare?

Would you be able to find a hobby or activity that takes you out of the house?

This is what I would be looking into if I were in your shoes.

MyPepper · 22/07/2017 17:39

You need to learn to drive.
You also need to start reviewing the situation with your DH. Whether you are working or not, you are entitled to as much time off as he does.
He is also entitled to spend some nice quality 1-1 Tim with his dcs, aka yup go away and some time away on your own whilst he is looking after the dcs.

I'm not surprised you are so resentful and you u do need to have a chat with him on how to balance things out better.

DonaldStott · 22/07/2017 17:39

Has this always been the case?

Emboo19 · 22/07/2017 17:44

I don't think him going out is wrong, you say it's not every week. I get it's difficult though, my boyfriend is working away mon-fri so we only have the weekend to fit everything in, hobbies, family time, couple time, time with friends and it's manic! Still he's getting ready right now to go out and I'm happy for him to do so. Although he's been warned I'm going for a run at 9am tomorrow, so he has to be in a fit state to watch DD.

If he's got Friday off, then up until he goes out at 5pm you can spend the day as a family or leave him with the kids and go out, couldn't you?

I think the problem is that you need to find some friends or a hobby for yourself. Would he be able to guarantee to be home 1 evening a week so you could do a class/activity?

SandyY2K · 22/07/2017 17:45

You need to find a hobby of your own to pursue and be more a wife and a mum, otherwise you will become even more resentful and depressed.

Get one night a week for yourself. Even if it's going to a library and reading a book, or read a magazine in a coffee shop. Just make sure you get some time for yourself.

SandyY2K · 22/07/2017 17:48

Doing voluntary work is a good way to make friends BTW.

annoyedand · 22/07/2017 17:50

I would be jealous and frankly are in the same boat re friends and kids. How do you make friends at 42??

SherlockStones · 22/07/2017 17:57

Why is it his fault that you don't speak up and go and do things on your own?

He he actively telling you not to do anything or are you just sitting on your hands in resentment? Sounds to me like it's the former and if so you share some blame also.

Barbapapa1980 · 22/07/2017 18:00

What a selfish twat :( poor you. You need to have your own breaks as well.

Original poster
ImTooFarAwayFromBeingMe · 22/07/2017 18:04

@SherlockStones there is no time left for me tho. He works long hours and he free time he has he's doing his own things. I can't afford a baby sitter s it's not as if I can just go out

OP posts:
Barbapapa1980 · 22/07/2017 18:06

But it's really unbalanced, you are going to lose the plot if something doesn't change. You are not just a mum (sorry I'm not helpful)

Emboo19 · 22/07/2017 18:08

Have you told him you want some free time too?
How old are your DC?

PatriciaHolm · 22/07/2017 18:19

You need to talk to him and explain that you cannot live like this, that he needs to be part of the family and enable you to do more than simply be another domestic appliance.

I don't think he's going to like it. Any man who thinks this situation is fine is a selfish arse.

SteppingOnToes · 22/07/2017 18:20

Of course you can just go out. He is a parent too - go out and let him parent. Make him step up

GiGiraffe · 22/07/2017 18:31

How was the decision made to have a big family? When you decided to stay at home did you agree any ground rules about family time, time alone etc or has it always been this unbalanced? Do you get time together as a couple?

Original poster
ImTooFarAwayFromBeingMe · 22/07/2017 18:45

I asked him not to go on Friday and we can plan to do something for all the family. He said if he doesn't go he will make sure all his friends know it's me not allowing him to go. We didn't set any ground rules no I was just happy to have someone to love me and be stable ( didn't get that living at home) and I also thought I couldn't dictate to him coz he works and I don't. But now having lived like this I feel like crap

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 22/07/2017 18:46

Does he only have two evenings a week when he's free/home early then? What about the weekends he doesn't go out?
What does a 'usual' week look like? As I said I know it's difficult and between me and my bf's hobbies/social lives, I feel like I'm running some kind of time sensitive military operation.

Is the problem really time or that you've nothing to do and no one to do it with?

Emboo19 · 22/07/2017 18:48

X post! Can't you do something Friday before he goes? And get firm, he's getting up Saturday morning and doing something with you all, if he can't handle a hangover he'll have to take it easy with the drink.
Then he's really only out the night time.

DoItTooJulia · 22/07/2017 19:01

It's too late to do anything about this weekend, but you need to tackle this-either within your marriage or get out of your marriage and then you'll have more free time and the added bonus that you won't have this arsehole dragging you down.

Branleuse · 22/07/2017 19:04

If you split up, you'd get every other weekend to yourself if not more. What's the point in a relationship where you never see each other. He sounds horrible too, with his comment about telling his friends you were stopping him going out. Where's his loyalty?

thestamp · 22/07/2017 19:08

Oh dear. You married him because you perceived yourself as not being worth much, you wanted stability. So you let him call the shots and never questioned him. And now you're waking up that you are actually worth something and that you need some space to remember how to be yourself. Yes?

And when you ask for a little space he emotionally blackmails you? So he too believes you aren't worth much and should just meet his needs.

This is going to be tough op. He's not going to let you be a person.

How do you not have any money? Does he not share the family money with you?

If he doesn't want to stay in and parent a few hours a week, then a babysitter must be paid.

Will he not allow family money to be used in that way?

Thinkingofausername1 · 22/07/2017 19:17

He sounds abusive. Threatening to Blame you to his friends because you want family time? You sound very trapped. My first ever LTB

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