I need the opinion of the Mumsnet community

[SamConway731]

Hi Guys, this may be a bit strange that a young bloke is on mumsnet. But please hear me out and give me some advice.

So my girlfriend and I met almost 8 months ago in our first year of University. We have both had previous relationships and we feel that this connection we have is unreal and it is really worth something. At university, we spent a large portion of our time together and it was amazing! we get on so well and anyone that meets us thinks so as well. However, we are not at our different homes over the summer period and go back to University Mid September. We live an hour and half away from each other and we have seen each other a few times since coming home for summer. However, my girlfriend has been off with me in the last week and I finally found out that the reason is because she is dealing with emotions from her past relationship. Although she does not have feelings still for her Ex, he cheated on her and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. When they broke up, she had exams and then went to university where we met within the first month. She had time to process the fact he cheated on her and that they were over but its only since she has came home for summer and I am not there neither is University that she has realised she has not dealt with the feelings of feeling like good enough. So she said she needed space to clear her head and understand her feeling about this whilst trying to destroy the feelings of not feeling good enough. She feels space is needed because she cannot think properly and focus on these bad feelings if her new boyfriend is there. I agree with her completely and think that she needs to do this alone unfortunately and I believe and she thinks that this will make us stronger. However, as she needs space I cannot talk to her for a while (1,2,3 weeks I really don't know how long it will take her:( ). I am finding it difficult to not contact and speak to her because I am afraid that we may drift whilst she does this and I am scared about how long it will take. We go back to Uni in September. I need the opinions of you guys to help me please. We both want to be together, and we still are together but this is something we have to do and it hurts both of us to not speak but we feel it will make us so much stronger once its dealt with and hey, its better to deal with it now then 2 years down the line. Please give me your opinions and advise ladies and gents. I am worried she may 'forget' about me and drift. Thank you

Give her the space she has requested, and don't get in touch. At the same time, it's not reasonable for her to expect you to wait indefinitely. I would want a time frame on it. If she's already said no contact until she gets in touch with you, then give it until September.

I wouldn't be concerned things will drift if she really cares about you, it won't happen.

That said, I wouldn't be surprised if she was considering going back to the ex or has someone else back home. So be prepared for an ending. There's nothing you can do either way, trying to push contact when she's stated she needs space would be wrong - so your choice is to wait it out or move on.

Give her the space she has asked for.

Send a friendly email in a week or so and see if she responds.

You need to be aware that the relationship may, from her perspective, have run its course.

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. I know she still wants to be with me because she has said that and she said she doesn't want to break up as well as she thinks this will make us stronger in the long term. In terms of her going back to her ex? There's no chance there, she has no feelings left for him it's how he made her feel which is hurting her. Also, there are no lads for her back at home, I know all her friends and we all get on brilliant.

The only time I ever told a boyfriend that I was dealing with feelings and needed space, it was because I didn't want to date him any more but he was a lovely guy and I was too gutless to go through feeling awkward for being upfront.

Space?

What exactly is she doing with thjs "space"? Meditating on her self worth? Seeing a counsellor?

It's actually pretty shitty of her to dangle you without telling you what's going on - she could at least have said, no contact until we go back to uni.

I'm sorry because I know this is harsh, but I think this has run it's course for her, and she doesn't want to hurt you, or maybe deal with the awkwardness of splitting up when you're under each other's feet at uni, or with the added pressure of other people saying you're so good together.

If you are good together and she wants it to work, she should either break it off properly until she's sorted her shit out and not leave you dangling, or she should have counselling and keep putting her effort into your relationship.

I wish her good bye and good luck, and tell her to call you if she wants to go out for a drink some time in the future, but you may both have moved on.

Or I would call her and say she's great, she absolutely is good enough - and that's why you want her. But you can only do that in the environment of a relationship.

I would not accept an ill defined need for "space". I suspose it's not impossible for someone to want space but genuinely want to work their way back to a boyfriend. But honestly, 99/100 I reckon "space" = I'm not that into you and I'm lacking the balls to tell you that.

No, what would make you stronger in the long term is her growing up and dealing with a relationship, not running away from it.

We are predominantly not "Guys" here.

Give her space. Try to relax and have a good summer.

You need to be honest with yourself.
You say that "we" think it will make us stronger". Yet you're worried you'll drift apart, have no idea what the rules are about contact and have had to resort to posting online for ideas. So is it really "we" thinking it'll make you stronger?

If she said, look, I have issues about relationships but I'm getting counselling and I'd like to slow things down and just meet once a fortnight for a bit, and by the way I would love it if you were prepared to bear with me for this, that would be one thing. But I think it's totally unfair to leave you so unsure about what's going on that you're asking strangers on line.

You are young. You will have other relationships. So will she.

Go out, enjoy the summer and expect nothing. If you get back together when you go back then great. If not, then you know, that's life.

Sounds like you're just feeling a bit lovely, which is fine. If she asks for space you need to give it to her. Watch some box sets, take a holiday, start a new hobby - whatever needs to be done for a distraction. Don't lie on your bed playing emotional music.

You'll both be back at uni before you know it and she will know that you're loving, supportive, loyal and not controlling. She would be an idiot to throw that away. If she's an idiot then you're better off without her. I think you'll both be fine in a few weeks.

"I need space" = "I can't be in a relationship right now".

To a certain extent any further analysis is unnecessary. What the underlying reasons are are somewhat of a red herring. It doesn't much matter whether it's because of the ex or because of her self esteem or what.

It means you are currently single.

I would keep my hopes low.

I would give her space, if she needs it, but would expect her to define when is she ready to talk to you about YOUR relationship and future. Ex matters are tricky s* and while some people move on quickly, others don't.
So I would write to her that you totally understand her and support her so will not contach her for 3-4 weeks, hoping this is enough for her to bounce back, but then you do want to meet and talk and see how things are. If this is not long enough for her, ask her to define how long - because you still have your life to live on. She should understand that its a bit selfish to leave you like this for the whole Summer and ideally you should know both where you stand by coming back to uni in Sept.
Goor luck!!!

I echo Ellis I'm afraid. On everything.
'Space' was used when I was young as an excuse to party hard without worrying/feeling you were cheating on your partner. The partner giving the 'space' was always the last to find out and eventually it would all come out.

I think it's either an excuse to cheat but have the safety net of someone waiting for them or she doesn't have the decency to break it off with you.
When you're in a relationship, you work together to resolve the bad things that have happened in the past. You totally trust your partner and they love you. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? That's how it works in my marriage.

And I agree that you would be wise to put a time frame on it for your own self respect and self care. First day back of Uni in September. You have to be prepared to give her an ultimatum to then shit or get off the pot. And you have to be prepared to walk away anf not be a mug. You deserve more than an indefinite head wrecking limbo.

Sorry, I think she's trying to ease out of the relationship with you, but doesn't know how to break up kindly.
It sounds like an excuse, I don't get what it is she needs to process if she doesn't still have feelings for her ex.

Sounds like she's making excuses to end the relationship. The thing that makes a couple stronger is being together and talking things through . If she wanted to be with you I don't think she would be risking the relationship by telling you she needs 'space'. I wouldn't be surprised if she's back in contact with her ex.

Go out and enjoy your summer , don't let her mess you around .

"she would be an idiot to throw that away" is really unhelpful.

The nicest, funniest, loveliest man in my life apart from my fiancé is an ex boyfriend. We just didn't love each other enough. We're very happy now with our current partners. He will always be an amazing memory and helped set a high standard of what I should expect in a relationship. But if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

I noted in your OP that you said everyone who meets you think you are good together, and a later post you say that you get on with all her friends. I think that creates a big pressure on her - that feeling of throwing away sometime great. Except... it's great in the view of other people. Who aren't loving it. Nobody understand why my ex and I split up. One night post split we were out with 8 friends for dinner one bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate us getting back together! We weren't. He just drunkenly thought it would make us see sense . Ex is married now to a fabulous woman. Do not judge how good your relationship is from a few friends thinking you're a great couple.

She doesn't want to be tied to you but she wants you on the back burner for when uni starts again.

Or something else is going on that you don't know about.

What elspeth says.

If you do get back together or you meet someone else, try to be less intense. You don't need to spend all your time together or know all her friends from home. You don't need to be in contact all the time in case she forgets you.

This is all way too much for a teenage relationship, it's meant to be fun. As it uni. Take some space , do other things and have other friends too.

Hmmmm. I think she doesn't know what she wants and is maybe taking you for granted.

Don't hang around forever. Give her a timeline then stop being messed around. It's not really fair on you.

I'm sorry but I agree with others that she is not sure about the relationship with you, our at least not sure enough to want to spend the summer with you.

And I'm going to diverge from others slightly and say that's OK. Neither of you is even in the seconday year of university yet - you should both be growing and changing hugely, exploring intellectually and socially. You're not married and shouldnt be married or living together. It's a time when intense connections of all sorts can arise but you are changing so much that they may not last. I know I fell in love with a whole area of my course in the first year and had totally lost interest by the second year. Same for relationships.

She's not treating you very well and I would aim to meet with her early in Sept and ask as kindly as you can manage to work out what comes next. However you can't treat relationships like a lawsuit. 'I put it to you that all our friends think we are good together' - doesn't work like that.

What are your goals for the next year? Make some study/work plans and aim to develop with everything you have. I hope this doesn't hurt too much and you can move on.

She's letting you down gently in my opinion. If she wanted to be with you she would be. I'm really sorry. There will be another connection for you...there isn't just one person for each of us. Good luck.

I would make it a proper break - give her all the space she needs, enjoy your summer doing whatever comes up and then meet up (if you still want to) in September and see if either of you still has feelings.

Keeping you dangling, unable to talk to her or see her, but apparently sill committed so you can see anyone else either, is cruel.

Listen to Beautiful South "A Little Time"

Whatever happens next, you will recover. I had to give a boyfriend I adored 'space' because I knew that I was heading towards a nervous breakdown which was nothing to do with him. I couldn't have put him through that. It took me about 10 years to get over that relationship. His recovery was, although undoubtably painful, far quicker.

In terms of her going back to her ex? There's no chance there, she has no feelings left for him it's how he made her feel which is hurting her.

If she really has no feelings for him she wouldn't need her "space." I hope everything works out for you, I really do. But you may need to prepare yourself for the possibility that her feelings for you have changed.

Was she struggling with her feelings while you were together or is it only since she's been home ?