I need the opinion of the Mumsnet community

[SamConway731]

Hi Guys, this may be a bit strange that a young bloke is on mumsnet. But please hear me out and give me some advice.

So my girlfriend and I met almost 8 months ago in our first year of University. We have both had previous relationships and we feel that this connection we have is unreal and it is really worth something. At university, we spent a large portion of our time together and it was amazing! we get on so well and anyone that meets us thinks so as well. However, we are not at our different homes over the summer period and go back to University Mid September. We live an hour and half away from each other and we have seen each other a few times since coming home for summer. However, my girlfriend has been off with me in the last week and I finally found out that the reason is because she is dealing with emotions from her past relationship. Although she does not have feelings still for her Ex, he cheated on her and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. When they broke up, she had exams and then went to university where we met within the first month. She had time to process the fact he cheated on her and that they were over but its only since she has came home for summer and I am not there neither is University that she has realised she has not dealt with the feelings of feeling like good enough. So she said she needed space to clear her head and understand her feeling about this whilst trying to destroy the feelings of not feeling good enough. She feels space is needed because she cannot think properly and focus on these bad feelings if her new boyfriend is there. I agree with her completely and think that she needs to do this alone unfortunately and I believe and she thinks that this will make us stronger. However, as she needs space I cannot talk to her for a while (1,2,3 weeks I really don't know how long it will take her:( ). I am finding it difficult to not contact and speak to her because I am afraid that we may drift whilst she does this and I am scared about how long it will take. We go back to Uni in September. I need the opinions of you guys to help me please. We both want to be together, and we still are together but this is something we have to do and it hurts both of us to not speak but we feel it will make us so much stronger once its dealt with and hey, its better to deal with it now then 2 years down the line. Please give me your opinions and advise ladies and gents. I am worried she may 'forget' about me and drift. Thank you

You're very very young and you want us to tell you that everything will be ok with this girl.

It isn't going to be ok though, well, it will be ok in the sense that YOU will be ok, and so will she. But you are not going to stay in a relationship. And that is a good thing :)

Never mistake intensity of feelings as a sign of whether a relationship is going to last. Generally, v strong feelings from the get go mean that it will fizzle out. Sorry!

Love isn't actually enough. Not even compatibility is. Timing is probably the biggest part of a relationship lasting a long time. You two are both very young and at a time in life when exploring new things and taking risks and having lots of variety is very important. That is - timing isn't going to work here and she knows that, so she's letting you down gently.

If you actually want her to come back to you, in fact the best approach is to never contact her again and move on completely and live as freely and happily as possible. Then in a few YEARS, maybe, the timing will be right. And you won't have made yourself look needy and pathetic by not accepting her non verbal signals :)

Erm why does she get to call all the shots? She can't keep you dangling over the summer so she can play with whoever with no guilt.

Give her space by all means but consider yourself single, it sounds as if she's trying to let you down gently.

I'm afraid she probably wants to wind up the relationship . She's made the common mistake of thinking you can end things without hurting the other person so trying to skirt around the issue when we all know it would be a lot fairer to just come out with it. Judge her actions not her words. They say it all I'm afraid. If she had the right feelings for you she wouldn't want the extended break without seeing you.

i know she still wants to be with me because she has said that and she said she doesn't want to break up as well

I think the most valuable thing you learn as you get older is words mean nothing, in relationships, only actions.