Please help me understand how he can just abandon his sons

[Areallmencheats]

My husband left 4 months ago after 23 years of marriage.

We have two sons aged 18 and 21. We were all blind sided when he left and didn't have any idea that he was unhappy.

It turns out,of course, that he was having an affair and he has moved across the country and moved in with the OW and her two sons (aged 10 and 14).

Our eldest son meets up with him once a week. He is trying desperately to get answers from his dad and make some sense of what is going on. He was always very close to his dad.

Our youngest has blocked his dad out. He doesn't contact or see him at all.

My husband was always a great father. When they were growing up he/we did everything with them-football,swimming,holidays,karting,etc
He taught them both to drive and they had a great relationship right up until the day he left. They idolised him.

What I can't understand is how he has changed seemingly overnight into this selfish man who doesn't care whether he sees them or not or what effect this whole situation is having on them.

To add insult to injury he is flaunting his new life in front of them and telling our eldest son about his camping trips, concerts, weekends in France, Spain etc with his OW.

What makes a once loving father act like this?

Well he is certainly being insensitive but I guess he is just treating them like the adults they are, rather than treading carefully if they were kids.

He's in the throes of giddiness right now re his 'exciting new life' but as soon as the novelty wears off, he will realise he has damaged his relationship with his sons, especially the youngest.

No fool like an old fool. I'm sorry OP, a very shitty situation for you all.

Thank you RiseToday. I realise they are young adults and not little kids but they are still heart broken.

I really hope he realises the upset he has caused one day.

I think if he had had a conversation with them and made arrangements to meet with them regularly maybe they wouldn't feel so rejected and abandoned. They are adults but I imagine it doesn't hurt any less. What a horrible thing to do.

Oh I'm sure he will live to regret his actions one day, when he has a strained relationship with one son and perhaps no relationship with the other.

Maybe your youngest could write to him? At this age, most young adult men are not the most adept at discussing emotions out loud, particularly with other men.

Your ex is behaving so selfishly. He's shooting himself in the foot, big time. Do you have a close relationship with your sons?

This is on his conscience. What a dreadful thing to do. My heart goes out to you.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest and if your son forgives his father he will genuinely feel less pain.

I would encourage him to meet his father in order to move forward.

Guilt.

My dad did this to me and my sister. We eventually had some kind of relationship, it was never the same. He felt we should accept his new GF/wife (OW) but we couldn't and we were devastated he destroyed our family.

He died a very sad guilty man. He couldn't face the questions/anger/upset etc he had caused.

My ex did exactly the same almost 3 years ago. My adult sons have a very distant uneasy relationship with their father. They still haven't met the OW and are adamant that they never will. She had convince him that everyone would 'get over it' in 6 months and they would all be one big happy family along with her younger sons.

I have moved on and am I a new relationship but I still feel angry about what was taken from my boys and don't think I will ever forgive that.

Like you my ex never gave any signs of being unhappy but had been having an affair for three years.

Thank you all for your messages.

I am lucky in that I have got a very close relationship with both of them and we have all been there for each other and are continuing to be.

Perhaps it would help my youngest to write to him-I'll suggest it.

My husband keeps on to them both to meet her. When he told the youngest about her he asked him to meet her in the same conversation!!

Oh Colour, it's awful isn't it.

So pleased you are happy now.

Sorry Colour I meant happy in your relationship.
I imagine forgiving your ex for the pain he has inflicted on your sons never really goes away.

Sorry but he might not ever feel guilty or have a conscience about it. He has rationalised it to himself in some way that his behaviour is fine.

What answers is your son after? I think it's unrealistic to expect an explanation. Sadly these things happen amongst couples and families. Not meaning to minimise the effect however. My exh barely sees the dc but tells everyone he has done his best and he probably genuinely thinks he has.

You say he was always a great father and very proactive. Maybe this is the clue to his behaviour. Maybe he really defined himself as a father. Maybe that's when he felt the most manly, effective, useful, being the man you all looked up to, adored etc., and now that phase of life has passed by.

It is telling that he has seemingly happily moved onto a woman with, big coincidence, 2 boys who are young enough for him to take on that role he used to have when he was at his prime. I assume the single mother he moved in with thinks he is a real catch (he being so good with kids) and is very appreciative of him, further fuelling his ego.

What you have here is an extreme version of a mid-life crisis. Your husband is trying to recreate a period in his life when he felt most useful. A lot of women experience similar feelings when their children have grown up, after all that effort raising children, it takes a period of adjustment, some women struggle to make their lives feel relevant, some even grieve. But most women can do nothing about it and channel their energies into other things or concentrate on themselves more. Men, however, can easily find another family waiting for someone to step in and assume the fatherly role. Where they will 'relevant' needed, wanted, adored, responsible (not that you didn't give him these things but the situation had shifted)

So this explains in large part why your husband has seemingly had a complete character change and why he is more or less ignoring your now adult children. His character hasn't changed, he is being true to himself, but he is focusing on his needs, his desire to feel ultimately wanted, needed and adored. Sometimes a bad trait fuels what sppears to be good ones, because the motive for doing something is wrong in the first place IFYKWIM? So some of what made him such a good husband and father was unfortunately, motivated by ego.

I think I would tell him how much his pathetic attempt to recapture his youth is costing his children. He will certainly wake up when its too late and the damage is done. For now he cannot mentally afford to take stock of the harm his behaviour is causing. He has compartmentalized his emotions in order to achieve his objective.

So sorry this has happened to you OP. What a sad loser.

Effectively I think your husband is suffering an extreme version of empty nest syndrome.

Bingo Hadron has it exactly. When I read your OP the thing that jumped out at me was that she has 2 younger sons too. Perfect new younger family to worship him and he's loving it eg the boasting of the camping trips etc. Cock.
So sorry OP that your exh is such a prat. I hope you and your sons find peace in time.

I can look at this from the other side... Sort of!

I left my 16 & 18 yr old sons with their dad nearly 3 years ago. No OM involved, only moved 2 miles away and everyone knew we I was unhappy.

I will never get over the guilt of having left, my boys still struggle with it even though they understand my reasons. We are very close and talk about stuff all the time.. But there are some mornings I wake up and am still crippled with the horror of the fact that I 'abandoned' my children.

I wonder how my decision will affect their future relationships... I wonder how my decision will affect my future relationships

Is it different because I'm a mother?? It shouldn't be should it?

If you're ex isn't feel like this (yet) it's maybe because he's buried his guilt so deep and he's determined to appear happy to justify his decision. I imagine he will wake up one day and realise, the best you can hope for is it's not too late to build a relationship with his sons when he does.

Thanks Hadron, what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I just wish he could see that. I have tried to get him to see what he is doing but of course he can't or won't. Not at the moment anyway.

She wasn't a single mother though- she chucked her husband (of 16 months) out to be with my husband and they are not even his children.
Her children are from her first marriage. She left her first husband for her second husband when her youngest was a year old.

That speaks volumes to me.

Oh, OP

My dad did this, although it was after my mother's death rather than an OW. It seems that men can just turn off feelings for their children after the relationship with the mother is severed - I don't understand it either.

It's wrong.

Great post HadronCollider. Me and my eldest son's dad split up when he was 4. He moved to the other side of the world at one point and my son was devastated. Men seem to be able to do these things (sorry for generalising). I am married now and have two other children. My eldest is now 17 and we are extremely close and he is very close to my DH. He sees his dad buto they are not close. We all reap what we sew OP. Take care x

OP. What you are going through is so painful. The absolute worst betrayal. You too will be happy again but I don't think the anger on behalf of your sons goes. I think my ex genuinely believed that as our sons were adults they would not be effected.

On the positive side my relationship with my 3 sons is amazing and they are closer to each other than ever before. It sounds like the same is true for you.

Six years ago I discovered my ex's affair, which ended our twenty year marriage. He effectively abandoned his teenage kids to be with her and her teenage boys (she had left her husband to be with mine).

My son, now twenty, has never forgiven him this. He sees his dad perhaps six times a year, although he only lives ten miles away. The meet ups are strained and difficult. His older kids have a better relationship with him, although not great by any means.

What astounded us all was when he left, ex really thought his kids would be fine. Loved up and blissfully happy in his new relationship, he assumed they would be delighted to have a happy dad. He couldn't see beyond his own needs.

Well he could, but he wouldn't, and that is the crux of this OP.

To dig deep and admit that you have changed the lives of the kids you fathered takes guts. It means that you have to face reality. So they don't, that's too painful and raw. So they minimise the pain they cause to make themselves feel entitled to live in their fantasy. They deserve this, they convince themselves, it is their right. Their kids should be happy for them, they think. But those kids aren't in a fantasy, they're in a horrible reality that they didn't want, cause or deserve. Often trying to cope with the parent who feels they've been thrown under a bus.

My ex is not a happy man, because the heady fantasy days with the woman he gave everything up for are over. They both now realise what they lost, five adult kids between them, who are ok with it, but resent them for it.

My ex, the most self absorbed entitled man I've ever met, blames me for the fractured relationship with his son, because he isn't quite able to own his selfish behaviour and the way he abandoned his kids. Sometimes the cracks show, he gets terribly upset at the way things have turned out and I'm sure he has regrets. Crippled with guilt, he is unable to really reach out and talk and rebuild the father and son bond.

Fathers (and mothers) who leave a family are not ogres, but they should accept that they need to move heaven and earth to maintain close relationships with their kids, however old the kids are. Frequently they don't, because if they did, they would need to own up to the heartbreak they've caused. So they take the easier option, and immerse themselves in their new lives. Then years later, they start to pay the price. It's very sad, but all we can do is support our kids, encourage a relationship with the parent who has moved on, whilst accepting that the onus for the relationship lies with the one who left.

Great post Cary

Thank you Cary and Colour and everyone else.

Yes thankfully I do have a very close relationship with my sons and it has been strengthened even more by this but of course it doesn't ease their confusion and pain.

Everything you say makes sense Cary. It just seems so sad and like watching a car crash.

I too am being accused of preventing my youngest from seeing his dad. Nothing could be further from the truth. I guess this means my husband can blame someone else (me) again and not have to accept that it is because he has caused it.

As others have said my husband really seems to think everyone will be happy for him and accuses me of turning family and friends against him. He sent me an angry message about needing to rebuild bridges with family, friends, co-workers etc. He really doesn't seem to see that other people have their own opinions.

Indeed, everything you've said in your last post OP, is exactly what my ex has done.

He rewrote history, told mutual friends we were both unhappy so decided to split. They knew this was rubbish, they knew that him and our family was my life. He then got annoyed with the friends for seeing the truth and rightly blaming him.

It's about painting themselves in the best possible light. They want it all, and care terribly what others think of them.

When they see that others see straight through their story, it reflects the truth that they've buried deep down. My ex and his partner told each other what they needed to hear to enable them to justify their selfish need to be together at the cost of their kids. They fed off each others guilt. Then friends would look them ex straight in the eye, and he could see he'd been rumbled. So, in need to blame any one but himself, because that takes honesty and guts, he blamed me.

It's very predictable and it's like you say watching a car crash. You know he's setting himself up for long term regret and will miss out on so much. But you can't fix this. He can, but it will mean him having to face the truth and own it. You're a good mum, your boys are lucky to have you. He's the loser in this, of that I'm certain.

Thank you Cary.
Your last paragraph has brought a lump to my throat.

I could have almost written your post OP - but fourteen years ago. My sons were 16 and 18 and I knew my then H had been unhappy. I didn't blame him for leaving me, I did blame him for dropping them the way he did to move abroad to marry someone with 2 children under 11.

He is still there now so they must be happy. My sons have a sort of drinking buddy relationship with him now whenever he does come to the UK rather than father/son. My elder one gets on well with the second wife's daughter and has visited a couple of times. The younger one hasn't. It hit him harder.

It hurt though that neither received birthday or Christmas gifts from him (after the first year) - certainly nothing on their 21st. His stepdaughter got a car (well I know her mother probably paid for it, but mine weren't even acknowledged with a card).

It has definitely affected how they view relationships. Both are adamant that they don't want to have children themselves. For a few years I was scrupulous about not criticising their father in front of them, but when they got to mid/late twenties, I thought - what if they think it's OK to do what he did? I did mention a few things, don't know if it made any difference or did any good, but certainly he has to accept that his relationship with them must be different to what it could have been - not if he had stayed married to me (I wouldn't want him to stay if he was unhappy) but if he had stayed close to them.

Oh - and it still irks me (happened just the other day) that people say "Oh well, at least they were older, that must be better" - NOOOOOO!! It doesn't work like that. TBH, there is never a good time is there?