Please help me understand how he can just abandon his sons

[Areallmencheats]

My husband left 4 months ago after 23 years of marriage.

We have two sons aged 18 and 21. We were all blind sided when he left and didn't have any idea that he was unhappy.

It turns out,of course, that he was having an affair and he has moved across the country and moved in with the OW and her two sons (aged 10 and 14).

Our eldest son meets up with him once a week. He is trying desperately to get answers from his dad and make some sense of what is going on. He was always very close to his dad.

Our youngest has blocked his dad out. He doesn't contact or see him at all.

My husband was always a great father. When they were growing up he/we did everything with them-football,swimming,holidays,karting,etc
He taught them both to drive and they had a great relationship right up until the day he left. They idolised him.

What I can't understand is how he has changed seemingly overnight into this selfish man who doesn't care whether he sees them or not or what effect this whole situation is having on them.

To add insult to injury he is flaunting his new life in front of them and telling our eldest son about his camping trips, concerts, weekends in France, Spain etc with his OW.

What makes a once loving father act like this?

Thanks Kait. I'm sorry you've been here too.

A lot of people have said it's easier because they are older. It doesn't appear to be easier to me. They had both admired and relied on him for so long. Well we all had.

When he left we were stunned and spent many days trying to work out what had happened. My youngest said to me only a couple of days ago that he still doesn't really know what happened. He knows his dad has left and set up home with the OW of course but all three of us are struggling to accept it.

I think it's because there really weren't any signs. He never said, not once, that he was unhappy. We were still doing things as a family and me and him had been out for a meal together the very evening that he dropped the bombshell.

I think if there had been arguments or a gradual breakdown of the marriage we could have all understood it better.

On top of coping with their feelings they have both tried to help me. I have cried on their shoulders more than once. My youngest was about to take his A levels when my husband left.
Also they had their 18th and 21st birthdays in June and we had planned to take them away to celebrate. Instead they both received crappy cheap cards written in felt tip pen, my husband had always chosen beautiful cards for them and wrote heartfelt messages inside.

As you say I guess there is never a good time and I worry about the long term damage they are bound to suffer.

There is no right time my love, and actually in some ways I think it can be harder when they are teens/young adults because they are more receptive of how we feel and understand more. And like us they struggle with reconciling the dad that was a constant fixture for so many years with the person he is now.

if you can move on, be strong and resolute so your boys know and see that you are coping and are optimistic of a bright future, this will help them enormously. My eldest DD, 17 when it happened, worried incessantly about me, and would cancel plans rather than leave me on my own. So I nailed a smile on my face and acted strong and stopped her doing this. And in time I didn't need to act it, because I was fine.

They will be ok if you're ok. And that will then help you - you'll pick up and feel better because they are. You all must look to the future and not think too much about how things might have been.

Out of curiosity op, how did he meet the ow? It all seems so sudden and out of the blue for you.

Thank you Cary.
I understand what you mean but it all feels so hard at the moment.
I guess we just need to keep going and wait for time to pass and work its magic.

Hi Gucci. He met her at work. He's her boss. Seems he recruited her into his team 3 years ago. Their office is 70 miles away from our home and near to hers.

He spends time travelling around the country and stayed away once a week so had plenty of opportunity to be with her.

Like a fool I trusted him.

She left her first husband for her second husband when her youngest was a year old.

She's a serial cheat. Your husband will outlive his usefulness when the next man comes along. More fool him.

I agree fully with Hardon. He's going back to a time he was idolised by your sons.

I worry about the long term damage they are bound to suffer

What a horrible thing to happen to you, OP, and your sons, and this is still all too fresh for you all.

But having brought up a child who never had such lovely experiences with her dad as you describe your sons having had, you might want to help your sons not to wallow in the negatives, this strange and sudden abandonment, but rather in their good fortune to have had a decent dad during their formative years.

I don't mean to be heartless, but if we view every unpleasant thing that happens to our children as causing life-long damage it could well become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Compartmentalization of feelings. In his mind he is saying "must believe I made the right choice, must make it work, can't regret it

It does get better OP I promise you, but in your case it must be harder because it was so unexpected.

you might want to help your sons not to wallow in the negatives, this strange and sudden abandonment, but rather in their good fortune to have had a decent dad during their formative years

I know what you mean @Atenco, but in a way don't you think it makes it worse? They know what they are missing, their life has got worse. If they had never had those good experiences to begin with, they wouldn't have regrets.

In the way that the OP is mourning the loss of the future she thought she had - so are her sons. What will happen now at weddings, graduations and the like etc? All these occasions are going to be different from what they might have expected growing up.

A friend of mine told me that she thought her dd coped the best with divorce because she was so young, she didn't really know any different - and they co-parented together quite well and I think the father had been fairly absent from her day-to-day life anyway (one reason for the divorce).

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

I agree that they had a lovely childhood and there is some comfort in that but also that has made it harder because our futures seem to have been ripped away.

I think she will move on again when she gets fed up with my husband as she has already done it twice. By then it will be too late of course, but it may give him plenty of time to see what he has lost.

He is quite a stubborn person and will be determined to prove to the world that all of the upset was worth it.
The words "nose,cut,spite and face" come to mind!

It's more common now unfortunately. One parent is unhappy but sticks around and co-parents until the kids go to university etc then leaves. Starts a new phase of their life. I'm sorry you are your kids are going through it. Sounds like he needs to build bridges with them.

Yes, I read somewhere that counsellors at university deal with more problems like this from fresher students than anything else.
It's sad isn't it.

And yes he does need to concentrate on building bridges with his sons but they are not top of his list at the moment.

Hi OP,

My Husband did this to me last March totally out of the blue, it was absolutely devastating. I never did get cast iron proof of an OW but it had all the hallmarks of it. My son is now 16 just finished his GCSE's and starting college soon. he still sees his dad once a week but has a life of his own now and that relationship will slowly get further apart.

My husband said at the time that my son was fine with what he had done and understood, but i think thats what he told himself to ease the guilt. My Husband has since told me in an email as we don't see or speak with each other that the Guilt of what he has done i killing him but its something he has to learn to live with now.

I had a breakdown and was absolutely heartbroken and all my dreams and future ripped away without any warning it was coming.

18 months later i am now happy i have my own pretty little house a good social life and amazing friends and family.

You too will get through this and come out the other side and realise that he did you a big favour and gave you a new lease of life, its not easy but it will happen for you naturally.
My children are my world and its with me they share their life experiences and me they gather around to share the fun. Thats what family life is about.

Your Husband has thrown that special bond away and will in time come to realise that he only has himself to blame and you indeed are the wealthy happier person with Sons that are proud of you and love you unconditionally.

So sad i wouldn't wish this on anyone but it will get easier as time plods on.

Take care and i wish you all the very best and all the happiness which will come your way again xxxx

This thread is so sad to read. I'm so sorry, OP, so very sorry. My DH had this with his dad, and he died this year. Your situation is eerily similar, right down to the "happy family, no warning" of him leaving. I had a vent about it on here because his death has meant lots of now unchangeable hurts from years ago. I truly hope for you and your DSs that it goes better for you all. I'd just perhaps caution against the letter - my DH tried and it was thrown in his face for the next 10 years.

Hadron and others who I've just read and nodded along with - thank you for your insightful posts.

Close friend had this happen to her.
Absolutely no warning after 30 years together.
It's like they follow a script - he was going round telling everyone it was a joint decision and she was fine with it. I suspect he'd been cheating for years.
A year down the line and she is getting her life back together and even says on some level she now pities him as he's not ended up in a good situation...

Another one on the receiving end of this type of behaviour-ex left almost 3 years ago. Mine won't see our two dds without OW (who he moved in with immediately) and just will not see that they are hurt, feel he left them also, and do no understand why he feels unable to be a dad, but spends time, holidays, money on OW's children.

hadron and Cary, I found your posts helpful and insightful, thank you. My feeling is that they have to feel the new life is the best, and they do not look at the old one or the old things: they have to be immersed in the new, looking at anything else is impossible. I'd love to think he will regret what he's done at some point, but he has to look at what he did honestly to do that, and I don't think he has that capacity, and if he did have the capacity, it wouldn't suit him to look.

On the positive side, my relationship with my dds is better now than ever, and in truth I have a nicer, more interesting time now.

In my view, no one should be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want but what I think both I and the children deserved was truth, honesty, and a dignified exit from a long (30 year) marriage. And some recognition, and compassion, at its ending. As others have said, to do that, the ex has to face what s/he's done, acknowledge the pain, welcome the need for a continuing relationship and be prepared to hear things they don't want to hear and act in others best interests from time to time. My h is not prepared to do any of those things, and in my view it's simply easier to pretend it's all fine and everyone approves of how he's behaving.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and as NC says insightful posts.

It really helps to know that other people understand and want to help. I don't feel so alone now.

My lovely sons have both gone to work for the evening (they both work in a hotel) and a friend has called to ask if I'd like to go for a drink so I'm gonna put my glad rags on and go.

Thankyou all so much for your support today. It means a lot to me x.