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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can one man have this much impact?

36 replies

Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 14:14

I'm behaving horrendously and I know this. 17 years ago I met a man. I was 4 years older than him. I think we might have had a relationship, but I wanted children. He did too, but he wasn't at that stage - so we had a FWB type situation. He was the best sex and the best connection I've ever had with a man. I should be saying this about my current partner, but if I'm completely honest - I can't. I met my partner - who wanted the same things as me - and who is a wonderful person - we are 'opposites' but decided that we work well as a team. What one has as a skill, the other makes up for. TBH, I don't think he 'loves' me. We are good friends, we have a little girl together, we don't have sex anymore. But we are together. I've done various crap things over the years and he has stood by me. FWB guy has never 'gone away'. What started out as occasional friendly emails has now turned to the beginnings of an affair. His relationship has broken down, he has a young child. I think about him constantly. I know the answer is no contact/block. I've tried this - REALLY tried - for months - or a year - and then I fail. I've started drinking/smoking/anti-depressants. Any advice?? Thank you x

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 21/07/2017 14:38

Grow the fuck up and stay away from each other.

Hope that helps.

TheNaze73 · 21/07/2017 14:39

Yes. Be kind to your current partner & end things before you do anything stupid.

If you've not had sex for ages, it won't come as a complete shock to him.

You should go about things the right way. If you were happy & fulfilled you wouldn't even be looking. You're clearly not but, don't be a cheat.

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 14:56

Thank you. I know my partner deserves better than someone who is constantly thinking about someone else. I do tell myself to 'grow up'. All the time. I want to be a good person. I'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 14:59

I read this back to myself - and I'm SO weak. How can I be strong in other areas of my life - and yet this completely floor me?

OP posts:
Imspartacusforreal · 21/07/2017 15:03

Sounds like you have a dry/practical relationship with your DP, but if this won't bring you happiness in the long run I would just leave. However before you go try and get some oomph back in your relationship. At least you would know that you tried. I would definitely advise you to stay clear from the FWB

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:08

This IS the answer - how do I do this?? I should be a complete slut to him tonight - see if that works?

OP posts:
Imspartacusforreal · 21/07/2017 15:12

Start from now! It's Friday! Send him a lovely/naughty message and surprise him tonight. Hopefully that may reignite something in the both of you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 21/07/2017 15:12

Tricky. I don't Think you're a bad person. When there's a huge sexual attraction it's incredibly hard to resist especially when there's none with your current partner. Do you see a future with other man? Do you want to stay with your current partner? Can you talk to your husband about the possibility of an open relationship? You're in a predicament as that sort of burning desire doesn't go away - the important thing is to avoid lies and deceit. Be honest and be open. Put your cards on the table.

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:14

We are not married. But I've just sent my current partner a message - "Let's go out for a meal and then have sex."

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:15

See if that works?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:17

Thank you onecup!! I don't want to be a bad person!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:21

I want all people in this situation to be 'free'. I don't want my partner to stay with me if he doesn't love me. I don't want to have 'control' over anyone.

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Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:25

And thank yu Imsparticus xx

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 21/07/2017 15:25

Do you want to be with your current partner ? What is keeping you together ? You can't force a relationship by sending a text asking if he wants to have sex ??

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 15:29

Cucking - love your name! What keeps us together is our daughter and our ability to work as a team. This is what works best for our family unit. For him - I'm not the best, and for me - I think I'm taking advantage.

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 21/07/2017 15:49

Thanks for your honesty . If it works for you then that's ok but you sound so in full filled and it's like your denying yourself real love sonas not to disrupt your "family unit" . Can you live like this for rest of your life or is your resentment going to grow so much that you end up no longer being friends ?? I'm not meaning the harshly so please don't take my words as such

SparklyMagpie · 21/07/2017 15:52

So what happens if he doesn't want sex with you. Where does that leave you both? Personally i wouldn't have sent a message like that, but you know what he's like, good luck OP

FWIW, your relationship sounds done

Imspartacusforreal · 21/07/2017 16:39

I think OPs message is a great start. She has to start somewhere I suppose.

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 18:32

If the FWB guy wasn't there - everything would be so straight forward - I think?? DP can't make dinner but says he likes 'the rest of the plan'.

OP posts:
user1476869312 · 21/07/2017 18:49

How do you think your DP would react if you asked him about an open/poly relationship? It's perfectly possible to have a nice, practical, friendly relationship with DCs' other parents - maybe even including a shag or two from time to time - but have fun times with other people.
But this can only work if the two parents have a fairly similar attitude to each other and, if one is bored and the other still desperately In Love it will all go horribly wrong.

Though, in your case, I think you are hung up on FWB man and he is rather less fussed about you, which could mean it doesn't end well whatever you do.

Imspartacusforreal · 21/07/2017 18:59

I think FWB probably gives the opportunity to see that things aren't right with your current OP. If he can't make dinner do what you can to have a fun evening doing the other stuff Wink. Hopefully this'll encourage him to make more of an effort too.

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 18:59

I personally would be completely up for an open relationship. I want my partner to be happy - and I don't think I make him happy. But I don't want to take away the fun and enjoyment of our family unit - and he does love our daughter so much. My FWB guy is very unhappy and I really feel for him, and I care about him too. But I'm not the person for him either - he needs to be with someone he can build a family with. I think I might be better on my own...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 19:09

And I think all of this could also be linked to fertility issues. I feel guilty because I know my partner wants more children, and my only option now is egg donation. FWB has split from his partner. He would also like more children. He is completely committed to son.

OP posts:
user1492877024 · 21/07/2017 19:14

SHAME ON YOU. Smoking is a disgusting anti-social habit.

Original poster
Bumspoosandwees · 21/07/2017 19:18

Thanks User. I've found a quiet spot round the side of our house where I can't be seen. And I hide my fags in the bin..

OP posts: