Friend has really upset me- Would you leave activity?

[SirVixofVixHall]

The detail is slightly complicated and very boring so bear with me!
Background- Friend and I are in a choir together. I've not known her long, just under a year, but I really like her. Choir employs a conductor. He can be horribly shouty and rude. Trying to broach this with him has never gone down well. (understatement) .He is a very volatile character.
Friend is getting involved in a romance of sorts with him.
At our last performance I made a mistake and came in early on a song. About ten other members (around a third to half the group) also came in at the same time- I thought the conductor had cued us in. I do find his conducting hard to follow at times and others have mentioned this as an issue, including some comments this time from the (professional) soloists.

Problem- I'm on the choir committee, and my friend has just become the new Chair. I brought up the conductor, asking if there was a way we could talk to him (without him getting v annoyed) about giving simpler signals . I mentioned the issue with the song. Friend then snappily said "they should have bothered to learn their music and then there wouldn't have been a problem" I was a bit shocked at both the comment and the tone of voice, and as I was obviously included in the "they" I replied that I had learnt the song . She then said, even more loudly and sarcastically "well obviously not, or you wouldn't have come in at the wrong time".
This was in front of the committee.
Everyone made some mistakes here and there in the concert, including friend. I don't have any problem at all saying "oh bloody hell i messed up those three bars" or whatever, we are not a professional choir. I am only learning to read music, and I still learn by ear, so I work really hard at home on my part. This time, unusually, we sang without sheet-music and I think I made less mistakes than the average member because I am used to not relying on the sheet.
I am really upset and offended. She basically accused me of not bothering to learn my piece, and then blaming the mistake on the conductor. And she said this to the whole committee.

She sent an email the next morning asking if she'd upset me. I replied "yes" and why. She then denied saying it at all. . I replied with what she'd said and explained why it had offended me, and that I was particularly upset that she would speak to me in this humiliating way. She has responded with an "I'm only human and that wasn't what I meant at all" sort of message. So how to proceed? I'm even wondering if I really want to stay in the choir, as with the shouty conductor and now this issue, it is turning into loads of stress rather than fun. I don't understand why she was so rude to me. We are all polite to each other on the committee, even when we disagree. We do have some members who make a lot of mistakes, or don't learn their parts properly, but I am not in that group- I do more homework than most. I had also done a huge amount of extra work organising this concert. I feel really hurt. WWYD?

I would tell her that her Relationship with the Conductor has clouded her judgement and impartiality ... she cannot be Chair if she is bringing her personal feelings into practical and fair discussions regarding Choir issues ... and the fact she is now lying about her own comments when they were heard by everyone at the meeting is plain embarrassing and shows she is not up to Chairing...

on a personal level... I'd tell her to shove the Conductors baton up her arse .. whilst smiling of course xx

A performance can never be repeated, so surely any mistakes should never be referred to again?

The conductor sounds a bit of an arse, tbh. I don't have much time for the artistic personality as an excuse for difficult behaviour, with obvious exceptions such as...er, Mozart.

I would politely challenge the way this was handled and remind them that this is supposed to be fun.

If she's upset you and won't even try to understand why, let alone apologise for it, then I don't think she is a friend worth keeping. You've been very clear about the problem so she's had every opportunity to address the issue, but instead she's kind of gaslighting you. I'd detach from the friendship if I were you. Whether you stay in the choir should depend on whether you gain more pleasure than pain from being in it. You certainly shouldn't be forced out if you don't want to leave.

God. If so many people are making mistakes, then the conductor must be doing something wrong. How difficult is it to bring people in at the right time?

Our choir conductor is excellent at ... Er ... Conducting and bringing the car with her all the time. Sounds like yours is more concerned with himself than the choir!

Agree your friend should not be chair if she can't be impartial. But what can you do? Ask her to resign? I think she was very rude to you and treated you very badly indeed.

A, a bit at the idea of a choir needing a committee!

Bringing the choir, not car!

Chicks over dicks. Maybe she needs to remember this.

If learning the music was the issue, then you could all do without a conductor

TBH I'd stay with the choir (unless you find another) and put some distance between you both. I can see this would be annoying but you need to try to find a way to develope a thicker skin.

I'm not a singer, but I have a couple of friends that sing in choirs. One is a very serious choir, the other is more fun and relaxed (perhaps not as good as the other choir though). I'd have a look around for more friendly choirs. This is your hobby, not a punishment.

I wouldnt want to stay. I am a bit of a quitter, though, not built of tough stuff.

Maybe see this as "taking a break" and trying some different experiences (ie, at another choir).

I've made us sound like the world's worst choir haven't I? We do sing some challenging stuff so mistakes happen. However I haven't had the cue problem with any other conductor. I wish he would just give us one simple cue, but he varies cues and waves his arms about a lot, sometimes he is clear, and sometimes it really baffles me. I find it easier to listen to the music at times, but as I'm most used to singing acappella it is ingrained in me to look at him! (Also he shouts if you don't..). Most mistakes we make are tiny things that we know individually we have done but which an audience might not register. Half of us coming in six beats early obviously doesn't fall into that bracket!
It seemed so out of character for her as much as anything. She's normally nice to me, she's never been even slightly prickly with me until this situation.

I don't find it hard to be thicker-skinned if someone is a bit stroppy or rude from the off. Then I am fine. This has upset me because we have seemed to be getting to be closer friends, we've spent a bit more time together outside choir, and she has always been thoughtful and nice. She seemed like a different person almost. DH asked if she'd been drinking, but I don't think so! It was as though I had personally criticised her, and she was responding defensively and lashing out.

Been in choirs for 25 years and used to conduct an orchestra. Perfectly usual for these organisations to have and need committees.

If the conductor makes a mistake players and singers can go all over the place whether they know the music or not. That assumes they are watching, which is not always the case. If they are not, they will mess the music up progressively rather than make obvious errors, and if they are not confident, they are more likely to miss the entry altogether. In some cases one part can be misled by another, for example at the beginning of the scherzo of Dvorak 9 which is a tight canon. Usually about ten times as many mistakes occur in a performance than anyone not performing actually notices. Entries surrounded by silence are particularly dangerous, such as the "Rex!" chords at the start of the Rex Tremendae in Mozart's requiem, the six chords that close Sibelius Five, or the last few bars of the second Baal chorus in Elijah.

But this is not the point. The point is you are doing this in a certain spirit, and your "friend" is either taking it too seriously or else there is too much pressure for it to be fun. Last time I sang in a group that acted in this sort of way I left.

You did personally offend her because she is obviously feeling a lot more attached to the conductor than she should if she is to act as chair.

She is letting her romance cloud her judgement and get in the way of friendships

Your friend has a conflict of interest. She needs to stand down as Chair if she is in a relationship of any kind with the Conductor.

firtle, We sing some reasonably weighty stuff so all work hard. There are some very elderly singers with us, a few over 80 I think, but they are mostly still singing well. This was a really easy entry with a piano intro, but he did something that looked like a cue-in and I just started singing, in that split second I somehow thought I'd missed the entry note. Clearly many of us thought the same thing. No probs at rehearsal or the previous night's performance. No-one messed up the entry then.
TheAntiBoop- no one else knew about their budding relationship which doesn't help, although one person has since guessed.
Anyfucker- always the (tuneful and well timed) voice of reason .

Well I imagine her little outburst hasn't helped keep it hidden!

It's not on that she accepted being chair without disclosing her attachment

Correct me if I'm wrong, but rehearsals are meant as practice, meaning that that's when to make mistakes. No one sets out to make mistakes, but again, that's why we practice.

Your friend has a conflict of interest. But if I were you, I'd find another choir

Sorry. I've been an arse. I reread that said mistake was at a performance. But still. No one sets out to make mistakes. Performing should be fun

All the choirs I've ever belonged to have had committees. You need them, otherwise nothing would ever happen / be done!

Your friend is seeing things through the rose tinted glasses of romance and is trying to protect her love interest, albeit misguidedly. A solution might be for you to stand down from the committee ( you can always cite pressure of work / other commitments) and just go along and enjoy the singing!

If you are going to stand down from the committee don't bother being polite, tell them it is due to the Chair thinking with her fanjo and not her faculties.

Counterpane I almost spat my tea out hahahaaaaaa [grins]

As you can't even read music I don't really feel you should be so critical of someone who clearly does. You are telling a conductor how to conduct? Really? Because you are too slow perhaps? Because you are on a committee? Christ. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

She doesn't sound like the sort of friend I'd want.

And I wouldn't want a fun activity to become filled with negativity

newjobsoon, if 6 people came in early because they thought the conductor was bringing them in then clearly the conductor messed up. This has nothing to do with being able to read music - OP said they were singing this particular piece without scores anyway.
OP I'd find another choir if I were you. One that doesn't have a rude, shouty conductor! Our conductor is never either of those things but still manages to get professional sounding performances out of us.
Oh and your "friend" owes you a big apology.