Does anyone else ever wonder where the fuck they went wrong for their life to turn out as it has?

[LittleLucyLuce]

I feel like I'm surrounded by people with a seemingly perfect life, with amazing self esteem and for whom nothing ever goes wrong. My life, on the other hand is just a fucking catalogue of things going shit.

An acquaintance of mine brings out the envy in me; I know comparison is the thief of joy and we shouldn't compare ourselves to others and it's bad to be envious or jealous but I can't help it!

Acquaintance grew up with amazing supportive parents and sisters, in a very close family that she's still close to. She has loads of lovely, supportive close friends and is very popular. She then moved to the small town where I live and has made hundreds of close friends here too, even the popular, 'cool' people who have never given the likes of me the time of day! By contrast, I grew up with abusive parents who favoured my sister and with whom I'm now non contact with. They hated me having friends and criticised me constantly so I grew up with no friends and no self esteem. I did have a few friends at high school but they all bullied me and I was bullied by the majority of my year.

Perfect acquaintance has married someone who is quite well off, they live in an amazing barn conversion, with a house that is always immaculate and never gets untidy or messy; white sofas, bedding, grand piano etc. Her kids are perfectly behaved and she cooks beautiful meals and hosts dinner parties. By contrast, my husband and I are always skint, my kids often play up, my house is a mess.

Acquaintance always wears lovely clothes that I'd never have the confidence to wear. She still has amazing supportive friends and is always socialising and 'out with the girls'. I only have a handful of friends and they're frenemies really; one says I'm ugly, one hasn't even mentioned the 4 stone weight loss I achieved last year, others have no interest at all in anything about me.

I guess I just wonder where the fuck I've gone wrong with my life. Is it a self esteem thing where I just can't make the best of life because of my upbringing? For example I wouldn't ever have the confidence to wear the clothes I want to wear, let alone take a photo of myself to put on FB wearing them! I'd get ripped to pieces! I don't think it helps not having a single person in life who actually would have a good thing to say about me. My DH just thinks I'm an appliance, and doesn't really care about me as such.

I just want a fraction of the good luck and niceness in life that others seem to have :(

I've tried and tried to make and find nice friends but it just never works out. They start taking me for granted, and doing things like always being late to meet me, making put downs whilst highly praising other friends of theirs, only seeing me on their terms, and making it obvious that other friends are valued much much more than they value me.

You aren't alone if you ditch the shit friends even if you ditched the shit DH you have your kids and yourself. It could be your perception of how others treat you. Have you considered counselling if you were bullied at school this could be impacting into adult relationships. But if it is the other people don't let yourself be bullied again your an adult now if you can go NC with your family you can do it with others. Maybe start small next time they put you down say something like " sorry what did you say can you repeat that" with a frown. Should make them think twice about the put downs. Don't let your DH treat you like an appliance and remember your both setting examples for how your kids will behave in their lives

Think how much further you've had to come than your acquaintance Op...starting right from the moment you were born into that family you've had to fight...through school and then life.

Now you're 40, you have put your head over the bunker...start to think what would make you happy...some nice clothes for your new shape and figure would be a small start to make you feel better.

Ask yourself why a friend would rip you to shreds for trying something that makes you feel good about yourself?

Maybe they are jealous of you, your fighting spirit and your new physique?

I know what you mean OP. The sad fact is people who have had difficult childhoods generally go on to have difficult lives because of the damage it has done. Second only to my hatred of the phrase 'everything happens for a reason's is my hatred of the phrase 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' not when it happens to a child it doesn't (and often not for adults either). I am currently working through a book called 'overcoming low self esteem' which was recommended by a CBT therapist. I'm finding it really helpful and it makes a point I find comforting which is that anyone with my life experiences would have developed the same problematic patterns of thinking I have.ie it's not that I'm weak or that it's my fault. but there are ways to try and change it. On a more instant note I have unfollowed pretty much everyone from Facebook and only use it for a few professional and hobby related groups now. I feel much happier now I'm not looking at others' wedding and holiday pics every day!

I would say you've been really unlucky with friends. I could say that people are really rarely horrible and mean to me (except for sometimes my husband). Nice, normal people are rarely mean to other people, especially to their friends. I'm quite interested to hear how did you become friends with these people? When did you first notice they were horrible to you?

I once knew this mum through a playgroup. She's very posh and I always wondered whether she was a bit of a snob. She was mega keen to be friends and I invited her round for a playdate. She came to my house and commented on all sorts of things.. like why would we buy cheap cereal and not brand names, and we should move because our house is a bit pokey etc. She also said some snobbish things about my children's school and about some people I know. I never invited her after that and cut contact. If I bump into her on the street I'll be friendly and have a chat for five minutes but any invites to her house etc I just make excuses about being busy.. You need to spot mean people and run a mile.

Nice friends however are the people that will make you feel like you are really special and you know they genuinely want to be your friend.

I don't think there are perfect lives. I'm good at making friends but putting yourself out there and actively trying to make friends means rejections and awkward situations too. I've had plenty of them and it always makes me feel like I won't be able to handle it. But then the next person I approach could well be the one that becomes a close friend. You just have to keep on trying. I would say I'm popular but how I've done it is by just talking to everyone. Sometimes I've been snubbed but then I've learned to avoid those people. Most peopleple like it if other people show interest in them, their children etc.

Op if your friend hasn't mentioned the 4 stone then she's a knob.

I have a group of close friends from a baby group that make me feel like a total failure since I am divorced and now single again.

Now I've moved jobs I've found my dysfunctional tribe! Only one of my colleagues can sustain a relationship and most of us are lone patents. They make me feel normal.

Op you need to award yourself more than this x

Regret saying I'm popular, sounds so cocky and smug and is probably not even true. Just more that for example in the kids playground there's lots of people I'd happily go and talk to and feel that they like talking to me too. But you've got to start somewhere and just start talking to people and finding those friends. I think you can do it!!

I think try to be your own friend. Truly. Perhaps start by forgiving yourself. I understand how you feel, it has taken me a long time to overcome the damage my childhood did to me, at 40 I had barely scratched the surface of who I was.

I had troubled start to life too op. And have suffered for it. All I can say is focus on yourself, caring for yourself, supporting yourself. Get therapy. Be kind. Read. Do things that make you feel fantastic. That is the way to a happier you and a more fulfilling life.