Does anyone else ever wonder where the fuck they went wrong for their life to turn out as it has?

[LittleLucyLuce]

I feel like I'm surrounded by people with a seemingly perfect life, with amazing self esteem and for whom nothing ever goes wrong. My life, on the other hand is just a fucking catalogue of things going shit.

An acquaintance of mine brings out the envy in me; I know comparison is the thief of joy and we shouldn't compare ourselves to others and it's bad to be envious or jealous but I can't help it!

Acquaintance grew up with amazing supportive parents and sisters, in a very close family that she's still close to. She has loads of lovely, supportive close friends and is very popular. She then moved to the small town where I live and has made hundreds of close friends here too, even the popular, 'cool' people who have never given the likes of me the time of day! By contrast, I grew up with abusive parents who favoured my sister and with whom I'm now non contact with. They hated me having friends and criticised me constantly so I grew up with no friends and no self esteem. I did have a few friends at high school but they all bullied me and I was bullied by the majority of my year.

Perfect acquaintance has married someone who is quite well off, they live in an amazing barn conversion, with a house that is always immaculate and never gets untidy or messy; white sofas, bedding, grand piano etc. Her kids are perfectly behaved and she cooks beautiful meals and hosts dinner parties. By contrast, my husband and I are always skint, my kids often play up, my house is a mess.

Acquaintance always wears lovely clothes that I'd never have the confidence to wear. She still has amazing supportive friends and is always socialising and 'out with the girls'. I only have a handful of friends and they're frenemies really; one says I'm ugly, one hasn't even mentioned the 4 stone weight loss I achieved last year, others have no interest at all in anything about me.

I guess I just wonder where the fuck I've gone wrong with my life. Is it a self esteem thing where I just can't make the best of life because of my upbringing? For example I wouldn't ever have the confidence to wear the clothes I want to wear, let alone take a photo of myself to put on FB wearing them! I'd get ripped to pieces! I don't think it helps not having a single person in life who actually would have a good thing to say about me. My DH just thinks I'm an appliance, and doesn't really care about me as such.

I just want a fraction of the good luck and niceness in life that others seem to have :(

I ask myself all the time what went wrong with my life and I guess it is far more common than you think.

We employ a cleaner, but our house often is a mess too (not because there is something wrong with her but because children are messy) but do people know? Nope, because I clean before people see it (and if I have to stay awake the night cleaning, because my inlaws visit)
I get complimented on my children's self esteem but little do they know, his kindergarten teachers complains about our sons snobbyness and I am worried for his future.

Like you acquaintance I have married somebody from a well off family, but that does no equal always happy and perfect live. You have NO idea how much obligation it brings, really NO idea.

I host beautiful dinner parties because I HAVE to. I hate it, my husband struggles with crowds. It is really, really tough on him. It is tough for me to know that it is tough for him.

Like your friend I wear "lovely" clothes. You know why? Because I do not have the confidence to wear comfortable clothes.

See. Others lives are nearly nearly never as perfect as you think.

Snafu "I host beautiful dinner parties because I HAVE to. I hate it, my husband struggles with crowds. It is really, really tough on him. It is tough for me to know that it is tough for him."

Oh my dog, people with that much money complaining about shit like this.

Op I hope things improve for you. Ditch the ones who aren't on your side. Even if that leaves you alone. Those people are heavy baggage.

You have really no idea how bad this fear of crowds and still having to keep up the appearances is for him. Really. I would trade our beautiful house and our families good name for a cure for his illness any time.

I am just telling this to help the OP because from the outside it might look like some people have it all but that does not happen to be true. That was ment as an encouragement.

Sorry if I did not bring my point across very well. English is not my first language.

Money and beautiful clothes do not give you happiness. It must come from within.

I just wanted to add this to explain. Big Dinner parties give me no joy, only stress and my husband he is often so stressed that he feels he cannot do this and has to concentrate on how he is breathing in order not to start shaking.

So basically, yes, people from well-off families have far more dinner parties than poorer ones but it might not be what they want to be doing.

I always envy poor people a bit, because I thought they are able to do exactly what they want (without having to think about the reputation of their family) or at least it looks like it.

So you have the possibility to have no dinner party and nobody will complain and you have the possibility to have one and nobody will complain... and that's really, really cool... because it means you can have a party, right? Just do it. What is holding you back?

Same for the clothes. Just wear them. You're free.

I think you're doing very well littleLucyLuce

You've survived a traumatic childhood!

Look on the bright side, you seem to have developed wonderful protective strategies by going nc, and congratulations.

Easy Slim, we all have our troubles, no need to berate someone for having dinner parties, or being wealthier than you. As I said we all have our troubles. One man's meat is another's poison.

slimthistime - no need for that. Snafu was making a perfectly valid point, just because her hosting dinner parties might make it look from the outside all is great does not mean that's the reality and that she's happy. OP - I have often felt the same as you. But as others have said, people do only put selected highlights on Facebook. Not many write about their latest row with their partner or when they've made a fool of themselves. I guess most of us are really trying to muddle through and do our best with what we're given.

No, everything doesn't happen for a reason. I hate that saying. Things happen just because they do, we will never understand why some things happen to others and ourselves.

You just have to live and see your own like as unique. Don't compare it another person's especially when you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes.

Snafu
Some of us have the same anxieties, are heavily medicated for them and still have to deal with crowds as part of work to pay the bills. That's the basic bills, not the dinner party bills.

Seriously, rich people telling you NOT to appreciate how much money can improve your life is just a piss take. For some, every extra penny is incredibly helpful.

Anyway, as I say, op, I hope things get better for you.

I think all that snafu was pointing out allbeit not as precisely as she might have wanted
Is that you can't tell from the outside how hard it is for someone rich or not

In the main, most of the wealthiest people I know are very fucked up. Having money doesn't exclude you from an abusive childhood
Anyone who thinks it's easy just because you have money is niaeve.

I have no idea why you seem to think dh does not work. He works 60+ hours a week. Fortunately not in a crowded environment.
We are by the way not rich beyond the poets dream just well-off.

I never said that money does not improve your life in some areas, but in other areas obligations come with it, like having to host dinner parties, to attend balls, to keep a stiff upperlip, look presentable.

A lot of sons from well-off families serve in the military as kind of a family tradition. Yes, that happens also to the poor, but I do think they do not have the same social pressure.
A lot of well-off people have been educated at boarding schools and some of this schools are not very nice places.
There is a lot of things a person like us cannot do: have a child out of wedlock, refuse to have children (should be at least two boys, a heir and a spare), marry someone of a different religion, refuse to host dinner parties. Not talking about everybody well-off, just people like us.

I never wanted to say it is not tough to be working class. I am sure it is. I just wanted to tell the OP people like her acquaintance may not be as happy as they seems to the outside world.
People from well-off families often have the motto of never explain, never complain and you might just not notice how unhappy they are.

By the way I have no idea why you seem to think that telling the OP how unhappy and deprived she is might be a good idea.

Would you rather have me telling her: Yes, you are right. Our lives are so much better than yours?

Thank you for this post OP. Like you I had a very shitty physically, emotionally and sexually abusive upbringing. So I get how you feel completely. By the time I was 12 I was a bag of anxious nerves and my teens were torture. I actually would feel physical pain comparing myself to other girls, with supportive 'normal' families and upbringing, who were brimming with confidence. At 18 girls I knew my age were going to university. I did badly in school, was homeless, and in a hostel in London at the same age. I could go on but it would just be a catalog of sad events.

My life now is hard. Financially as well as socially. I have no real friends just series of acquaintances. I get tired of what seems like a life half lived and full of stuggle. I too am surrounded by people who seem to have had it all. Loving families, gone to good schools, supportive loving husbands, nice houses, confident, organised, great jobs, nice clothes, great holidays. I too wonder what the fuck I have done or not done to have ended up where I have in a council flat, constantly broke, on anxiety meds. I try to be happy for other peoples fortunes, but occasionally it gets really hard and I end up hating myself because I feel so inadequate by comparison. I find its worse under the present social and political climate. It feels like other people judge me for not having achieved all the things those I think have perfect lives do, and my self esteem is in the toilet.

Sorry don't know what the soloution is except as pp have said to concentrate on the things you can change, and the good things no matter how small you do have

Snafu, I guessed he works.

You just sound so "my diamond shoes are too tight".

"Give me the child before he is seven, and I will show you the man."

There's a lot of insistence that people with 'perfect' lives actually haven't got that at all. It's true that people's lives are far more complex than Facebook and the like show, but just the same, someone growing in a close, loving and supportive family is more likely to replicate that than somebody who had a traumatic upbringing.

Counselling is a possibility for you OP. But do you think it would help? One of the things I try to remember with counselling is that many counsellors go into counselling because they needed it themselves. I remain unconvinced it's a cure-all for everything.

I think for starters you need to ditch your 'mates.' You've done brilliantly to lose four stone and that tells me there's some determination there for starters.

I just wanted to tell the OP that every life has it's troubles and that a lot of people are not as happy as they seem to be.

I am sorry if it has offended some. I am not from your culture and English is not my native language and sometimes I am doing a poor job bringing across what I ment to say.

Still I do not understand why you are so keen to tell the OP her life is a unhappy one and her well-off friend is so much happier. I do not think that will help her get a positive attitude.

Thank you everyone so much for the replies; I've read through and appreciate them all.

I am 40 and just feel like I can't make any changes, as no matter what changes I try to make they just don't work out and things never change. It all feels so huge and overwhelming and I have sort of given up even trying.

I literally don't have a single friend who is nice to me. If I cut out people that aren't nice to me I would literally have no one at all in my life. I feel so helpless.

Better to have no one in your life then.

Really, it is.

Is there a place where you could meet new maybe nicer people?

I feel like I can't go through life having fallen out with the whole world though. Feel like it must be me! Do people who are popular and with perfect lives just tolerate people like that or do people not dare be nasty to them? Acquaintance that I know never falls out with anyone, everyone seems so lovely to her.

If people aren't nice to you, you really need to get rid of them. There will always be new people
You might just have to work hard to find them. Even if you just find one it's better than 20 arseholes
They're bringing you down.

Or perhaps start sticking up for yourself next time they're shit towards you. You might lose quite a few. But you might find some will change towards you.
If these people are shallow and can be shit to a so called friend then deep down they are NOT happy people

Hi Luce well done on the weight loss! I feel the same as you could have written the thread. I have a friend from childhood who never has a good thing to say. I struggle with everything you have described too....how are you today?

I don't have a great deal of advice for you OP, but I would say that very few people have perfect lives. If you looked at my social media accounts you would see two people with a lovely new house, exotic holidays, nice meals out etc. But what you wouldn't see is that I have crippling anxiety, my DH has really bad OCD and we are desperately sad because we have been trying for a baby for a long time and it's just not happening. Please try not to compare yourself to others, as hard as that may be. Everyone has their demons.

Congratulations on your weight loss. That's fantastic!

You are every bit as valuable and as valid as 'perfect friend' OP, but you have had a bad start and bad training in how to build relationships and get what makes you happy. It's not your fault.

Thank you again everyone. I'm feeling very tearful this morning so it's been lovely reading all your lovely replies.

You need nice friends!! Having a few really good friends makes the world of difference. Could you start on that first?

I have quite a few things on your list. But don't forget everyone who is this supposedly 'perfect' has shit you don't know about. I certainly do have bad bits in my past.