Think I will die from the emotional pain

[atticusfinchatemybaby]

I am in such deep emotional pain I can’t breathe.
Got married almost 6 years ago, been together 10 years total. Like any couple we had ups and downs but ultimately we were happy, well suited, and knew (or thought we knew) what we wanted in life. We were emotionally mature and getting married for the ‘right’ reasons – i.e. a considered decision to support each other through life, not a crazy hormone-induced love fest or desire for massive wedding. Our wedding was a wonderfully happy day and people still tell me today they’ve never been to a wedding where the love was more palpable. Nobody can predict the future but I would have put our chances of divorce at less than 1 per cent.
Cut to today. For the past few years DH has been slowly, gradually emotionally freezing me out. Over the past year it has become total. Externally probably nobody would be able to see what has changed, but there is no affection, no sign of love, no interest in anything about me. We have two small kids who he alternately loves and rejects. He says he feels trapped, suffocated by family life, desperate to escape and be with someone else (but simultaneously admits he knows this is a fantasy that wouldn’t be how he imagines it in his head). He says he feels nothing for me and can’t imagine his feelings ever returning, no longer can see us growing old together. He has a crush on a woman he knows through works (but simultaneously says he knows it’s ‘bullshit’ and just a symptom of his escape fantasy).
A few weeks ago we started seeing a marriage counsellor but we only have one hour a week, and she will be on leave for the next few weeks. I feel totally rejected, unloved, unwanted, humiliated, despised, abandoned and in absolute agony to have lost the person I loved most and who, just a few years ago, was the shining beacon in my life. He was everything to me, and me to him at the time. Now I’m nothing. It’s like living with someone with Alzheimers who has no recollection of who I am or what we once meant to each other.
I can’t bear the daily pain of sharing a house with him, but I’m afraid if I kick him out now he’ll never come back. And the pain for our two lovely kids of us splitting up is more than I can bear.
I don’t know why I’m writing this or what help I hope to find, I just have to let it out somehow. In the past when I felt awful about something he was the one I’d turn to. Now there’s nobody. I’m being tortured to death by the person who was once my saviour. If it wasn’t for the kids I think I’d top myself.
This is agony. I can’t bear it. I don’t know what to do to relieve the pain. Please help. Please tell me you've been through this total emotional shut down from your OH and come out the other side.

Oh OP. I could have written your post a few years ago, right down to the physical pain of my heart breaking.

My OH was having an episode of severe depression that he took out on me - said very similar things to the things you've said your OH did. We went through some really tough times and he has spent many years now in therapy and having treatmebg. He is now in recovery. I have also had regular counselling and realise now that for him at least the out of character behaviour was the illness, not him. Neither of us will ever be the same but we are still together and our relationship is much deeper, kinder and more honest than before.

You need some individual counselling if you afford it. I wish you all the best.

My mum was abused. She had fairly long term specialist psychotherapy and I think your husband needs the same. Starting point is GP but mh services are so woeful it could be a fight.

Telling you what happened would be have likely been excruciating for him. My mum describes feeling like once people knew they would see what a disgusting, awful monster she really was and that in fact it was only a matter of time before people saw she wasn't a good person really. We've talked about it on and off over the years and then the other day she admitted it didn't start at the age she told me it did but when she was a couple of years older. She said she lied because she was worried I'd think an older child should have known better! So despite everything and how far she has come she still has harmful thinking.

Who knows what triggered it, perhaps it's been brewing up since his first child was born. It must be terrifying wondering how you will protect them from what happened to you. Perhaps he saw someone who reminded him of his abuser, or heard something about them. It's clearly fucked his head a great deal. There probably is something to the suggestion he is hurting and rejecting you (and the kids) before he can be rejected. But remember you guys are important too and even though you want to support him you need to look after yourself too and of course prioritise the children. I think getting some counselling in your own right is important as you need to be able to vent, discuss and be honest and right now your husband can't provide that support that he usually does.

I'm sorry for both of you x

I wanted to give an update, in case anyone else going through something similar comes across this thread.
It's 9 months down the line since the crisis first hit us - DH's disclosure of childhood abuse and the total emotional freezing out / breakdown that came with it. It has been a painful period and life is still a long way from being 'normal' again. But, there is hope. Although he goes through patches (sometimes days, sometimes hours) of being very withdrawn, quiet, depressed, hostile, there are also far more times now when he is his 'normal' self - i.e. the man I recognise as the person I married. We have no sexual intimacy, and that's fine with me, but we have some cuddles on the sofa, which had been absent for a long time. HE has been sleeping in the guestroom since last summer, but now sometimes sleeps in our room with me again. I never thought the sound of him snoring in my ear would be such a delight :) Recently we had a weekend together while my parents took care of our kids. For those 48 hours it was almost like old times. We had fun. We laughed. We cuddled. But there was an unspoken black cloud in every quiet moment.
He has told me a little bit about what happened to him. It makes me feel physically sick. It's unbearably awful. I have nightmares about it and find it constantly popping into my head at random moments in the day. I can't imagine what it's like for someone who is dealing with that as a real memory, of something that happened to them. It is utterly soul destroying. IN the worst moments, I sometimes feel like I want to kill myself just so I won't have to think about what happened, or live in a world where such a thing could have happened. It's just too much to bear. But given that he has carried this burden for almost 30 years, and forced himself to survive, and live, and love, it would be a massive betrayal if I gave up so easily.
He is still waiting for specialist counselling, and I think he should soon be at the top of the waiting list. I'm terrified of how much more hell this will unleash, for him and for us as a couple/family. But there's no going back from here. The genie is out of the bottle and has to be dealt with.
This time a year ago I had no idea about what he had gone through. I had no idea he was feeling so awful, thinking of leaving our family, wanting to die. He is still very unsettled (for want of a better word) and I am devastated by the horror of what he has told me, and the way he has rejected me so much. But for anyone in a similar situation I would say: we are happier now than we were a year ago. There is a lot of pain, but there are also moments of closeness again - these had all frozen out previously. He is incredibly strong and I believe we will get through this together. I guess there won't be a day when suddenly he is 'fixed' and all the emotional trauma is erased, but I think we will reach a point where we are secure with each other again and learn to live with the effects of this horror, together.
Thank you to everyone who responded to the original thread, your words were really very helpful. I hope you are all doing well too.

OP. Thanks for the update.
I understand he’s been through horrific abuse but please put the children first and not him. If his counselling is going to unleash all sorts is it fair for your family to be living and experiencing that with him? Would it make sense for him to move out and have some distance while he undergoes the counselling and then come back to the family unit once he has finished that process? In reality he has been very dishonest with you because you essentially married into a lie. He should have disclosed all of this before you married. You are now dealing with this awful thing and you are important too, in fact the most important one because you have to hold it all together and provide safe haven for your kids. It’s vital you get support too. Just don’t lose yourself. You deserve support and love too. I really hope things work out for you

I'm so sorry.
So the man you thought you loved isn't actually him at all. You are still looking through rose tinted spectacles.

He's depressed, emotionally closed and now admitted sexually abused. These are MAJOR. You are fooling yourself if you think you are going to get the old Dh back. That literally can't happen.

I'm so sorry. But I can't see you ever getting what you want. Because that isn't possible.

He wasn't what you thought he was. He wasn't honest with you.

What of the dc?

@atticusfinchatemybaby what an incredible woman you are!
2 years ago when my DS was reaching the age of which I was abused it triggered memory's and emotions I'd buried for 20 years, almost over night I turned into a dark, bitter, closed of person and at first I didn't know why. I went through EMDR therapy which was incredibly difficult but had amazing results.
Not one person suggested 'getting my DC's away from me' no one does when it's the mum struggling but for some reason when it's your DH that's different?!
How my DP stayed with me, I'll never truly know but I love and respect him so much more and when I came out of the other side we were closer than ever. I truly hope you get your happy ending 💐

I could have written your post two years ago and probably your update a year ago. The turning point for us was when my husband had EMDR therapy - just two sessions.
A few months later we went on holiday alone for the first time in 22 years. Next year we are planning to go back to the same spot to renew our vows.
Take care and hang on in there

OP,
Glad to hear your update.

I have only started reading your thread due to your update and would like to add what a decent person you are for sticking by him through this, ignore people suggesting you take the kids away, they are ridiculous.
Good luck op

It's good that you are making progress OP, thanks for the update. Wonder if @erinaceus is still around to send me the same PM?

I agree with GoldenOrb. It takes time for antidepressants to work. 10 days is not long enough and yes depression can make you like that. My hubby was depressed, didn’t know if he loved me anymore but he’s fine now. Also you said it’s like living with somebody with Alzheimer’s. How old is he? Maybe get him checked by the doc. You can get early onset. Not saying it is this

Sorry I missed your update. I hope things continue to improve

I cannot believe how this poor man is being criticised for failing to disclose the abuse beforehand. Don’t you think that it would have been incredibly painful for him to have done so after hiding it away for so long? It shows a fundamental lack of insight as well as a cold response .