Think I will die from the emotional pain

[atticusfinchatemybaby]

I am in such deep emotional pain I can’t breathe.
Got married almost 6 years ago, been together 10 years total. Like any couple we had ups and downs but ultimately we were happy, well suited, and knew (or thought we knew) what we wanted in life. We were emotionally mature and getting married for the ‘right’ reasons – i.e. a considered decision to support each other through life, not a crazy hormone-induced love fest or desire for massive wedding. Our wedding was a wonderfully happy day and people still tell me today they’ve never been to a wedding where the love was more palpable. Nobody can predict the future but I would have put our chances of divorce at less than 1 per cent.
Cut to today. For the past few years DH has been slowly, gradually emotionally freezing me out. Over the past year it has become total. Externally probably nobody would be able to see what has changed, but there is no affection, no sign of love, no interest in anything about me. We have two small kids who he alternately loves and rejects. He says he feels trapped, suffocated by family life, desperate to escape and be with someone else (but simultaneously admits he knows this is a fantasy that wouldn’t be how he imagines it in his head). He says he feels nothing for me and can’t imagine his feelings ever returning, no longer can see us growing old together. He has a crush on a woman he knows through works (but simultaneously says he knows it’s ‘bullshit’ and just a symptom of his escape fantasy).
A few weeks ago we started seeing a marriage counsellor but we only have one hour a week, and she will be on leave for the next few weeks. I feel totally rejected, unloved, unwanted, humiliated, despised, abandoned and in absolute agony to have lost the person I loved most and who, just a few years ago, was the shining beacon in my life. He was everything to me, and me to him at the time. Now I’m nothing. It’s like living with someone with Alzheimers who has no recollection of who I am or what we once meant to each other.
I can’t bear the daily pain of sharing a house with him, but I’m afraid if I kick him out now he’ll never come back. And the pain for our two lovely kids of us splitting up is more than I can bear.
I don’t know why I’m writing this or what help I hope to find, I just have to let it out somehow. In the past when I felt awful about something he was the one I’d turn to. Now there’s nobody. I’m being tortured to death by the person who was once my saviour. If it wasn’t for the kids I think I’d top myself.
This is agony. I can’t bear it. I don’t know what to do to relieve the pain. Please help. Please tell me you've been through this total emotional shut down from your OH and come out the other side.

And I wanted to add that if you decide you can't continue in the relationship, it's ok for that to be your decision. You are not heartless or a "shallow bitch"

This, absolutely.

On my way to airport but will be back , please don't feel alone, I know I have done, it's just that others are unaware and that's what makes it worse for you

erinaceus PM me whenever you can.
movingon what the hell happened? why? how? I don't understand how this can happen. Did he get any counselling at any point? Is it all completely hopeless?
Looks like there is no hope of a happy outcome here. After a difficult upbringing I managed about 4 years total of a happy relationship, now back to a life of lonely agonised shit. With kids to care for. What did I bring them into the world for? Just to suffer like the rest of us. Why the fuck did I ever bother with any of it.

I don't know, nor do I expect to ever know, exactly what happened.
His depression started when I was pregnant with our second child. Once she was born he was a different person, cold, cut off, went out all the time.
He said he found family life boring, that it's too mundane- so now he's with a woman who also has 2 kids but he doesn't have to parent them so that's ok!
He had 8 sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy but it didn't help as only taught him coping mechanisms rather than addressing his issues from the past.
I totally understand your despair, I've felt it- our marriage officially ended 13 weeks ago when he told me about the other woman. I still feel the despair, the loneliness, it really sucks at times.
Thing is though I no longer have to hear what a terrible unsupportive wife I am or any of the other emotional crap he dolled out these last 3 years and that relief far outweighs the despair.
My kids are so much happier now too so really he did us all a favour!

Having read your updates I feel more sympathetic to your dh op as it sounds as if his issues are making it very difficult to see things from your perspective. You are still very much within your rights to set your own boundaries and limits about how to go forward however; just as you would if it were alcoholism coming between you. It is clear that from both of your perspectives and that of the DC, things cannot stay the same.

Being in your husbands position i can see it from the other side sadly ( youll prob all flame me) i am going through just what he is and have been told my behaviour is normal when coming to terms with abuse. You know the saying we hurt the ones we love the most.
I struggle to cope, i have removed myself from all but a friend who sadly has let me down leaving me even angrier at the world.
I cant even begin to explain to you how twisted amd complicated the feelings are. I dont understand half of what im doing pr saying and i know that ive made my dh life hell these last few weeks. Im always angry, always testing his love, always pushing him to leave. Ive no idea why because i love him more than i can explain.
Ibe suffered with depression for many years and yes ive never used it to hurt anyone etc and have coped so i can see how youre saying youve never behaved this way.
Since sitting there and admitting what my father did to me outloud its all changed. Please try to understand there is a huge difference between depression and trying to begin to cope with abuse.
As a woman its hideous, as a man i often wonder if its worse.if he feels anything like i do he feels filthy, wrong, to blame, disgusting, unlovable, untouchable.the list is endless. He no doubt feels you no longer view him the same.
Please please try to understand for him the build up to his admitting it. Its a long lonely road and finally saying it is world shattering.
My only hope is that my husband would see past his own hurt and see how ive struggled to support him through everything he has been through and would be prepapred to take what i needed to throw to get through it.
Bear in mind for someone like your husband he will feel that his abuse is due to a lack of protection from someone who should have. Mine is my mother. Therefore i fear ever letting anyone in as they will only let me down. I believe my husband will fail me , fail to support me and fail to be there when i fall so i turn off all emotions except anger. If you distance yourself you do get hurt is how i feel.
You dont deserve to be treated this way and no you never signed up for marriage knowing youd have to handle this.
If you need to live apart to give him and you and the kids space then great but please please if you love him try if you can to help him through. Its not forever i promise .
I just honestly think it needed to be seen from both sides. Its not always someone just being a prick, sometimes its someone needing help.
Nothing in his past is an excuse to hurt you but i dont honestly believe thats his intention. I wish you the very best and hope that someowhere down the line you re-find your loving hubby xxxxx

Not the point but your Op is very well written, I can almost feel your pain through the words.
My DH had depression and felt our relationship was falling apart (I genuinely thought everything was ok).
He wanted to go to counselling, I went and when the counsellor asked what was wrong I was genuinely stuck! To me we were fine.
The point I'm making is; it was his depression. He viewed our totally normal relationship as 'falling apart'.

Now he's not depressed he sees no issue with our relationship and to me it's exactly the same! Literally, same amount of sex, cuddles, laughter, quality time... etc.

If you can ride through the depression and he comes out the otherside there's a good chance you'll get him back like I did.
I really hope it works out for you

Please excuse typos. I had a whirl of thoughts to get out. I hope you can convince him nothing's changed for you and you can be there for him when hes ready. I really wish you luck x

simmeringpot thank you. Believe me, I do see those things. I really believe our current situation is precisely down to all that. I can't say I understand why it has come up now, or why shutting down and hurting the people who love you is the response, but I can see that it's normal. I just don't know how to survive it, or help him to see that this is the cause NOT me or our kids or our mundane family life. The rational part of my brain sees it so clearly, but he doesn't, and then I doubt myself and think I'm just an idiot to keep telling him 'don't worry I know you love us all really' when his words and behaviour say the absolute opposite.

Im glad you can see it i really am.
I wish i could give you the easy answer i really do.
Ive no idea why my flashbacks started in my 30s at all. Something triggered it and it just flew.
Shutting down is normal. You cant be hurt if its all switched off. Its a simple as that and yes i know it makes no sense at all.
If hes anything like me he fears for his kids amd how can he protect them if he couldnt protect himself so they are better off with just you as youre amazing and perfect etc
Ok the best way i guess i can try to explain is this ( how i explained to dh)
In all the time of knowing and flash backs i was able to deny it, convince myself i was lying to give me a reason to hate my parents etc. Then all of a sudden you sit in a room and someone confirms you were abused. There's no going back.

Imagine being ill and knowing something was seriously wrong in your heart but denying it, every day saying nah today i feel good im not ill etc.
Imagine then sitting in a doctors room when he reads out the test results and its bad.
Theres no escape, no more debate, no more hiding and filling the days up with things to forget.
All of a sudden you are seriously ill. You need immediate treatment and every one around you is fussing and loving you and trying to deal with it.
All of a sudden you feel vunerable and unable to be the strong person youre seen as, you worry about making it through to protect a partner and kids and youll have to hold down a job and look after a home etc etc.
Brain shuts down. Its real. Its scarey.its something you freeze and cant cope with

Hes angry at him. Hes angry hes not what you need or what you married.i know thats how i feel as ive always been the strong one.
Im angry with my husband for loving me because i need someone to be angry at. I cant be angry at my dad and i cant show my utter hate to my mother as neither are in my life. I dont hate him or my kids. Im struggling. I feel alone in something im not strong enough to overcome.
I will get through as will your dh

Please just remember simple things. Don't tell him how important he is etc. Just a simple squeeze of his hand as you walk by is enough. A note in his lunch box that simply says " i am here" .
We may fight back but we just want proof you wont leave and you will protect where someone else has failed.

Its alot to ask of someone i know but he will come out of this stronger and better amd he is still in there x

Hey atticus. I didn't mean to leave the marriage I meant to perhaps consider separation for him to be allowed to cope with this enormous issue without having to consider the fall-out on you and your children for now.
The spilt would be done with love and both your best interests at heart. He is hurting you and he will hate himself for that.

I'm not quite so sure that this all comes down to sexual abuse (which you don't know is 100% the case as he hasn't mentioned it before at all) I sound very hard I know but I do know someone who made this up to excuse some very poor behaviour, not common but these days I am a cynic! I go back to your first post OP , maybe he just no longer feels the same or enjoys married life and feels stifled. I like you felt exactly the same about my relationship, I would have bet 1 million on it, turns out 7 years in he decided to check out mentally for a bit and get a huge crush on someone else, I didn't find out till last year but now I no longer feel the same I am sad to say, simply I think because I had invested mentally so much in all being 100%. I would say see how it goes, if he seems to come out of it with therapy then I am pleased for you but be aware he may not if the fundamental reasons he gave are actually how we feels. It doesn't make him a bad person, it does however I feel make his behaviour to you rather poor regardless of if he is depressed or not ,

Lots of people suddenly deal with childhood trauma when they reach the age of about 40. I have seen it often. It's sounds like this is what he's going through and I agree it would be tragic for him to lose all he has built up around him. Perhaps he should get therapy alone and time and space (and support) to go through that. He might hopefully heal himself and come back to the family x

I think you need to try to get your DP to see the GP - try some meds and get a referral for counselling.(Although depending on where you live there may not be much on offer) I also think he should contact a survivors organisation for support and try to get some specialist help.

What does your DP want to do - move out for a bit to get some head space or stay? If he wants to stay how can he behave to improve things - e.g. explain how he needs to be consistent with the DC, if they are too much for him(noisy etc) what should he do? - go for a walk, go the bedroom etc.Hold him to it. Also make it clear he cannot treat you with disdain or say cruel things - you can put in boundaries "I understand you are ill but do not speak to me like that". Are there small things he could manage that would make a difference to you and start work towards recovery- a touch on the arm each day, a kiss on the cheek before going to work?

Is he holding down his job, self care good etc? When my DH was depressed (and dealing with a psychosis that involved me) he managed to go to work, make new friends etc be the life and soul outside whilst I was crumnbling - it seemed very counterintuitive as his mother who was often depressed just basically took to her bed.

I think seperate counselling (if you can afford it) would be better at this point if he is ill.It's so hard to decide if you believe "abuse, is abuse is abuse" or if they really don't have control over how they are behaving and are lashing out at the one they know won't desert them or if they simply cannot comprehend the effect on what they are saying - I don't know years on I am still unsure.

I found Anne Sheffield's books on coping with loved ones with depression useful (there is also a messageboard/forum). I think your situation is very complex because of the sexual abuse. I empathise with the heart rending pain you must be feeling. Be kind to yourself.

OP I understand this totally. This will be very difficult for you. Your DH is coming to terms with abuse and finally disclosing it. There may be something about the age of your DC that has triggered this. He will be distant, angry etc whilst this all comes out. This will last a long time. There's no easy path through it sadly but just to be there for him. It will be terribly terribly hard. It is possible to get through it. I know this as I was a teenager when my DF went through this. It was horrible but my parents are still together and my DF and I have a close relationship. Conversely a friend of mine, their DF went through the same at a similar age, their parents didn't make it sadly. I don't have any practical advice as I wasn't the partner, I was the child. My DPs went through this and came out the other side but it was a long and hard road. As an adult in my 40s I'm so glad they made it but I know that in itself is a miracle

It all sounds quite overwhelming. You need to take some of the pressure off. Try to do a few simple, pleasureable things together. Nothing major...perhaps a family movie night with a lighthearted film and some popcorn or other treats. Go to the park with a ball or a Frisbee and have some fun together. It may just be the abuse and depression that is causing so many problems or perhaps it really is the end of the line, time will tell but either way you have to find the strength, somehow, to get through this and come out the other side with your dignity and sanity intact.

I'm just wondering if the abuse has made him question his ability to keep his own kids safe and if this is overwhelming? Seeing them growing may have triggered the memories of the abuse perhaps.
On the other hand, my ex froze me out for years. I clung on hoping that things would get better. We moved 5 hours away to be near his family - a fresh start I thought. He left me for another woman. It was extremely lonely and painful living with someone who had withdrawn. He was a stranger but also my husband.
No easy answers but I feel less lonely than I did in my marriage. It still leaves me heartbroken some days but I have a lovely partner who loves me and I feel loved.
Good luck OP.

This is just so heartbreaking. I really hope simmeringpots post has helped you to understand it. There are no easy answers here. It sounds as if his journey may be just starting and maybe your marriage can survive or maybe it can't. Maybe you need more time or just some time apart. I hope you have enough support in RL to help you through this.

Hello
I went through similar and I think we are coming out the other side. My husband is very grateful I stood by him - it's been 18 mths.
He had EMDR which was very successful for helping him process the trauma of the abuse.
Best of luck to you xx

I know that this is derailing a little but I am so heartened to hear that we are not the only couple who experienced the shattering effect of traumatic memories of childhood abuse surfacing in adulthood. My trauma stuff all came out sideways not long after DH and I married and just as we were thinking of trying for children. Things are getting better now but I am not sure whether the marriage will survive. I think "yes" but my DH's trust in me has been shattered, understandably.

everybody. OP I did PM you.

I know exactly what you mean about the emotional pain being so bad that you feel it's a threat to your life. If you read Peter Levine's work on trauma you will feel vindicated because traumatic experiences have a huge and real impact upon our heart rate, immunity and physical functioning.
You are not alone. If you've experienced love like you deceived in the beginning you will d kefir nice it again just maybe not with him sadly.
Disappointment is a HUGE feeling to process/live with/ digest so take your time but it sounds like he isn't there anymore. The Freud is more painful maybe than if he had died because he isn't there or there for you as he once was get he continues to walk aroun hurting you and saying he wants someone else.

Don't make it easy for him by allowing him to stay with you then he's got time to get all his ducks in a row/ make his bed somewhere else from the safety of your home.
Don't allow it. Call his bluff. If he wants out of family life give it to him with gusto, it's what he wants after all.

I'm so very sorry for what your going through, there is a difficult time ahead but in a way he is doing you the biggest favour ever. Freeing you to be with someone who loves you wholeheartedly and who equally importantly, does not blow hot and cold with your children.

Deceived* =described
Freud= grief

When you were depressed tho, were you cruel to your partner?

I think for the sake of the dc, he should move out. It's not OK to act lovingly one minute and reject them the next. They need consistency and emotional safety at home. He can't give that.