Do I stay or do I go? What is best for the kids?

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Thanks to the wonderful and cynical women of mumsnet I uncovered my husband's affair two days ago.

The extent of his betrayal, and the complete lack of respect, not only for me, but also for my small children, his parents and our friends, all of whom he has neglected and deceived along the way, is simply staggering and my first instinct is to to file for divorce tomorrow.

My second instinct is to protect my children(3+5) and I cannot decide whether that is best achieved by giving him another chance.

I am torn. Does it actually benefit the children to stay together after an affair or is it better to make a clean break even if it disrupts their happy home?

I left my h when DC were similar ages.

We are much happier now.

Dont buy into the shit you read about how children can only really be happy in a mum-and-dad household. It's bullshit.

I'll tell you what makes for a happy child and adult... One who sees their parents model self respect and self care. Who show dignity and maintain boundaries. Who do not take shit.

I'm deeply suspicious of anyone who says children are best off when mother puts up with fathers disrespect. My mother did that... And I've grown up to have very little respect for her. Never mind I've had to pick up the pieces of what her example of relationships taught me.

I don't know the details of your situation but on the face of it? Make a clean break. The first 6 weeks are very tough. But if you stay calm and keep loving them, those children of yours will.adapt and I suspect they will go on to thrive. Xx

It's much better to do it when they are the ages they are now, children of that age adapt well. Anywhere near age 10 and over will have a much bigger impact. I left abusive ex at the ages of your dcs and both are now well adjusted adults with partners and families.

If I had proof of mine cheating I'd leave, no matter what age the kids were. I think the atmosphere in the house would be so toxic that they would be better off out of it, after the initial upset.
I could see a possibility of reconciliation if he had admitted and come clean about it totally, but as you spoke of betrayal and lack of respect I'm assuming this isn't the case. Don't give him the chance to mess with you all further.

I think it really depends on his attitude. If he is truly sorry, knows he has been disrespectful, is a good support to you and the family in general and wants to change things, then you may be better to work at it. Does he want to work at it ? Do you believe him? Do his actions show this?

Don't do what's best for the kids, do what is best for you. Whatever is best for you will in turn be best for the kids.

And you know, younger the better in my opinion. My partners now 7 year old had no idea that his dad did once live with them.

I suppose the fact that he has been an absent parent for all of their lives will help. They know they only get to see daddy at the weekend anyway because he works away all hours or so we thought so at least I will only have the questions about his whereabouts once a week

what stamp said, a million times over.

I would also like to add by way of reassurance; my dcs were 11, 8 and 4. i think there is no prime or typical age at which its harder. Its been my experience that their personalities have a greater bearing on how they cope.

i cant speak for older children but can absolutely say that coping strategies and open age appropriate discussions have helped enormously.

Best wishes OP

Absolute bullshit that kids need two parents, they don't; mine never and are better adjusted charming and lovelier than most of their two parent friends!

Do what makes you happy, it sounds unsalvageable to me by the extent; get rid and find a man that loves you completely, the kids can still see their dad, he can have them whilst you date a much nicer man!

Imo dc need a happy dm!!
And not a door mat for their df to emotionally abuse. .
Bin him.

Perhaps it is salvageable but that depends on how committed you both are to achieving that, if he is truly sorry and the overall strength of your current relationship. However, If he works away from home you are very likely to be very untrusting and suspicious of what he may be doing whilst not at home. I think some people just enjoy having a double life or perhaps creating an alternative life for him was just so easy due to the fact he is away so much of the time.

Totally what the poster above says. You don't have to make any decisions right this second.

I'm trying to recover after an affair, with my husband. But that is only possible because he's all in...seeing a counselor, properly remorseful and actually trying to change things about himself. I can't guarantee yet that we will get through it, but if DH were not doing all the things I need him to do, we wouldn't even have a chance.

If you do decide to split, your children will be fine. Better to be in a household with a mother who is in control of her life and happy than in one where you are living with distrust and unhappiness.

He says he is all in, wants to see counselor, says he will change his working practices to not stay away and do some of the school runs. I have no idea whether that is actually possible. He was only given enough rope to hang himself in the first place because it was supposed to be vital for his job

He has also given me access to all his messaging/calls and emails and activated findmyiphone so I can see where he is. But equally he is unlikely to do anything if he knows he is being watched. And there are always ways and means if he did want to deceive me again, so I will never be 100% sure

Bin. He will do it again, but hide it better. At the moment hes saying anything to make you back down. He is a cheater, plain and simple.

BE selfish - what do you want. Forget the kids for a moment, what in your heart of hearts do you want?

Personally I would want him to move out to give me a chance to think, and him a chance to make changes and prove himself. And there are no guarantees that you will take him back.

What children need most is: honesty, trust, and security. If he goes on to have further affairs it will be far more harmful for them than you breaking up now.

OP, forget what your husband wants. You need to think about what YOU want. Don't let him push you into anything you aren't comfortable with. Some of this you could explore with a counselor if you choose to.

I agree with pp above - you don't need to decide anything in a rush. Spend some time thinking, about you, what you would like to happen. Do you love him? Is he a good husband and father? Are YOU happy? Do YOU want to stay with him? Facing a divorce is frightening, but don't let fear of the unknown, and fear of a future without your H paralyse you if divorce is actually what YOU want. He is the one who has cheated, so why does he get to choose what happens next?

It is a scary thing looking at a divorce - but although divorce is challenging, it also presents opportunities. You now have the opportunity to decide for yourself, to build a different life if you want to. Your children are young, and adaptable. If you put their interests first, and always think of their well-being, they will be fine. Don't stay with your H for the sake of the children. Children are better off with happy parents, and if that means divorced parents, then so be it.

Do you work? Would you be able to be financially ok if you split? Remember your H would be required to pay maintenance for the support of his children too.

There are so many things to think about. The most important one, I think, is YOU, and what YOU want.

We separated over a year ago and I refuse to go back. DC were 8 and 5 at the time. He was also very absent as a dad to DC so this helped as the bad role model was gone.
For a while he stepped up and made the effort, and I was starting to believe he has changed his ways. But as soon as I said "sorry, but I have moved on", he started manipulating and dropped seeing his DC.
Now I clearly see he has not changed and he will not.
I don't have a crystal ball but I have no regrets.

This might be one of those circumstances where doing what's best for you is also going to be what's best for the kids. Remaining in a relationship without trust where you are unhappy can't be good for them to see. However if you think you could salvage the relationship and want to maybe it's worth considering. You're initial post didn't suggest this though. Could you get him to move out for a fortnight whilst you have a think? Maybe counselling would be helpful. Not even couples counselling something yo could do by yourself?

He may already have another phone for 'affair purposes'
Who knows?

What is best for the children is a happy mum and a happy dad.
Whether that is happy together or apart is not what matters.
A happy mum means good mental health and setting a good example as a role model.
Whether that is in or out of a relationship.
If you think you can get back to healthy, loving, trusting relationship, then great.
If you will never trust him again and drive yourself insane with it all then you are better off apart.

Your life and your decision.
I couldn't do it though.
I was going to try but knew he'd never be the same person to me again.
No trust = no relationship.

Sorry you are going through this but my instinct tells me that you cannot trust this man now or going forwards. The phrase 'extent of his betrayal' seems to show his true capacity for deceit and dishonesty. In this context, the steps he has taken with his phone appear to be manufactured and motivated by his desire to manipulate you into thinking you can feel secure, when in reality it is nothing of the sort. It just means he will never use that phone conduct anything of an illicit nature. I am not saying that he will but just that he sounds so deceitful that I cannot imagine how your life will be happy going forwards if you stay with him. He does not deserve you. I know this must be so devastating for you and I hope you make the right choice for you and your children.

Mumoftwo I gave my H a second chance 6 years ago after he had an affair.
I Gave my all and six years later this week I got given a letter and pages of disgusting proof through a third party for his girlfriend showing he'd been having a year long affair. I've wasted six years of my life and my 4 dc are now 6 years older and much more aware of his terrible deeds. Listen to your gut. As dr Phil says kids prefer to be from a broken home than to live in one. CHeaters are liars and manipulators. Think very carefully before you put yourself thru a reconciliation.

Oh no Heather. That is part of the negatives going through my head. The kids are young enough to hopefully adapt. And the doctor told me at least I was young and could move on as many people find themselves in my position in their 50s or 60s and then they feel they have had their whole lives stolen. If I were to reconcile and find that he did the same in 6 or 10 years time, the resentment would be huge and nothing amicable would be possible.

I think children in that environment is toxic, not the same but I am in the process of leaving my abusive partner very very soon to be ex after remaining and putting up with violent beatings for 9 years. I even used the excuse that it was important for children to witness forgiveness because I was naive.
I also think if you need access to his messages, emails etc then you know the trust can't be rebuilt. It will be so consuming that you may end up letting the children down more by being engulfed with this paranoia which BTW is 100% justified. I hope you do what you feel is right in your heart and for the right reasons. I was brought up with 2 siblings by a single mother and we all turned out pretty well.
There's no reason he can't be a father when he grows up a bit