Do I stay or do I go? What is best for the kids?

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Thanks to the wonderful and cynical women of mumsnet I uncovered my husband's affair two days ago.

The extent of his betrayal, and the complete lack of respect, not only for me, but also for my small children, his parents and our friends, all of whom he has neglected and deceived along the way, is simply staggering and my first instinct is to to file for divorce tomorrow.

My second instinct is to protect my children(3+5) and I cannot decide whether that is best achieved by giving him another chance.

I am torn. Does it actually benefit the children to stay together after an affair or is it better to make a clean break even if it disrupts their happy home?

Mumoftwo, kids will adapt but my DD13 has blossomed with me but refuses to speak to H. I'm 39 and I love him deeply but I'm letting him go. I never really trusted him again and I was right. This is not about you. From the proof I have seen with OW face photoshopped out she is a lot heavier than me and no great shakes. My self esteem has been rick bottom it's hard. Let him fight for you if that's what you want but we will be ok. We have to be x

Op, I dragged brought my H to marriage counselling (he was like a puppy who had wee'd) and yet and yet and yet, it was only a few weeks later when he found himself inextricably reeled into an affair again

My two youngest have no memory of Daddy living at home. The older two do. They have accepted two homes, two parents who live separately and are completely forgiving/blithe of the circumstances.

It was me that couldn't endure being the third wheel in the marriage. Knowledge empowered me to end things. I prowled on Mumsnet for months, feeding gratuitously off the sad stories of others, and when the day came, with four kids under 8, I was unswayable that ending the marriage was the right thing to do.

It wasn't a drunken fumble. It was a sustained, planned, well thought out deception. That's not a partner. And if he's not a partner, what's he for? Let him rearrange his work schedule so he can be more present. But for the kids; not you.

Great post mrsterry. Resonates with me too. Those deceptions are almost impossible to get over.

If you hadn't found out, would he be sorry and trying to rebuild? Or merrily conducting the affair?
He is sorry that you caught him and he has to face your anger.

Sorry this has happened op. Go now- my parents stayed together through infidelity and other issues for the sake of us and it was awful - horrible atmosphere and miserable parents. They eventually divorced when I was 12 and it was a relief- my Dms only regret is that she had taken him back a few years before. A happy mum is more important for your dc

If you hadn't found out, would he be sorry and trying to rebuild? Or merrily conducting the affair

Definitely the latter. His desperation for me not to find out more when I'd already seen some of the messages was such that I had to run out of the house wearing literally nothing but a nightie so that I could get a proper look at the phone he was trying to wrestle out of my hands until my three year old walked in and I sprinted for the door.

Clearly he had no intention of stopping or telling me until he was faced with me catching him

What advice would you give your children in 20 years time if they came to you for advice for the same thing.
That's what spurred me on to leave, I woke up one night in a panic after having a nightmare of my daughters beaten face and it felt so real. I shot up right in bed and at that time I knew fine well I had to leave because I would kill any one who subjected my child to domestic abuse - and let's face it. Cheating is a form of emotional abuse. It sounds to me like you need to leave for your own sake xx