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Relationships

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Original poster

Time spent together - am I expecting too much frm my partner?

33 replies

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 00:33

I've been with my partner just under a year, we're very much in love and this is the best relationship I've been in. FWIW we're both 25. The issue is that we are soon to be LDR for 8 months and he said he had turned down a job because he doesn't want to be away from me during our last couple of months together in the same place. I also turned down a small summer job last week for the same reason.

Generally we see each other a day (or two, if work/time allows) during the week and spend half a weekend together or every so often the entire weekend together. Last weekend we spent Sat/Sun together - my boyfriend told me he'd had an 'amazing weekend' and thanked me for spending it with me. I felt really connected to him.

But two weeks ago I was thinking up fun activities to do when he said 'when I'm camping this weekend..' - I was like what? Then he apologised for forgetting to tell me he'd be away all weekend with family camping.

Tonight he phoned me and I asked him to keep a day free this weekend. He replied 'I don't know what my plans are this weekend.' Eventually he said he may need to attend a family event for the entire weekend. I was disappointed to hear this and felt upset, as effectively this would mean spending only a few hours together this week.

I guess am starting to feel overwhelmed about the fact we will soon be separated and anxious that he isn't making spending time together more of an on-going priority. Am I wrong?

OP posts:

cloudchasing · 19/07/2017 00:35

I wouldn't be happy about this either tbh. How come he's not taking you to these family events? You've been together a while!

cloudchasing · 19/07/2017 00:36

Also, to my mind, if a LDR is imminent, I would expect him to want to spend as much time with me as possible beforehand.

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 00:39

Hi cloud, both of the things you said here sum up how I feel. The camping holiday was a guys things, so fair enough. But I actually did say on the phone 'so will I meet your family sometime?' because my family often invites him on trips. They live far away, so it is more difficult. He then said he hoped I would meet his mother in the next few weeks.

Honestly last weekend was wonderful and made me feel so connected. But other times like this, when I feel like I have to reserve the weekend...shouldn't he already assume we're spending at least some of each weekend together?

OP posts:

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 00:47

I've been in relationships like this before and didn't recognise the signs that he really was not investing in me at all. Sure he called alot but in terms of actual time it was just like yours.

You've been together nearly a year but you see him once a week, sometimes twice and only one day at the weekend. You occasionally spend a whole weekend.

That is the amount of contact I would expect from a very new relationship where you're not sure and are still not investing much.

Yet you have been together a year and is barely spending any time with you at all, and not even making extra time for you now he knows he wont see you for months.

In short, he just isnt that interested in you.

I'd use this long distance opportunity to end it. Dont even bother waiting. End it now and cut your losses.

cloudchasing · 19/07/2017 00:47

Absolutely. I'm shocked you haven't met his parents yet either. There's not a chance that he's hiding something is there?

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 00:48

The problem is that I think time spent together should be given freely. I don't feel like I should have to beg or barter for his time.

It is more difficul to broach because it is about family time and I understand because family is also important to me. I suppose I am wondering why I am not yet included when my family often includes him in activities together.

OP posts:

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 00:48

You havent even met his family after a year and are planning om waiting another 8 months for him to come back?!

Hell no.

I'd question if his family know about you and if he isnt lying about something.

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 00:51

As you say you have to compete for his time.....fuck it.

You are option to him so remove yourself as an option and leave.

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 00:52

NikBabe - but I take the relationship seriously and love him very much. At the weekend he was starting to make summer plans for next year and even talking about plans beyond that. I love him too much to end it I'm afraid as the relationship is very good most of the time. You say he isn't interested, but he frequently tells me he loves me, brings me thoughtful gifts, cooks for me, makes a big effort with my family etc...

His parents live far away, he last saw most of his family 6/7 months ago. He says he hopes to introduce me to his mother when she visits in a few weeks. I have talked to them on the phone, quite frequently actually.

Any tips on how to move forward and improve things (without breaking up) would be appreciated!

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 00:53

NikiBabe they know all about me. We have talked on the phone and during a recent week long holiday together I read the postcards he sent to his parents, sister, grandparents...in every postcard he was raving about me

OP posts:

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 00:53

As for family time.....he is 25 not 15.

I have to say family time and I was never invited was a huge excuse used by my ex. It was to cover his cheating.

Or maybe as his family may not know about you, you might be the other woman and not know it.

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 00:54

Cross post. Ignore it then.

Still say he isnt interested much.

Question is do you want to wait 8 months to have him come back and behave worse or it not improve?

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 00:59

NikBabe - but I take the relationship seriously and love him very much. At the weekend he was starting to make summer plans for next year and even talking about plans beyond that.

So what?

How much you care about the relationship is irrelevant if it isnt reciprocated.

My ex was talking about our future and a trip to Australia the next year and he had in actual fact been shagging another woman for months whom he is now married to!!!!

Look up future faking. It is just words. He says this and that but his actions arent matching it. He booked to go away with his friends and not you knowing he is going away soon....how lovely. You can just wait until he decides to grace himself with your presence huh?

He is dangling a carrot of a possible future knowing it gives him what he wants in the present and knowing he wont have to follow through.

Ive learned the hard way. You sound exactly like I used to until I figured it out.

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 01:00

It is confusing because I can strongly feel his love for me when we are together...actually when we're together I feel a connectedness I have not had with any other man. In a past relationship, when I was kept at arms length, but with him I know the emotions are real.

Is it maybe because he can be a yes man/people pleaser? When his family asks him to do something he will jump in and do it straight away. His mother plans all the family events and he joked she is 'scary' once. She never likes his girlfriends either, although I am hopeful she'll feel differently about me.

When his friends ask to see him when we haven't had quality time together he does turn them down and tells me it is because spending time with me is important.

OP posts:

thestamp · 19/07/2017 01:13

A one year relationship is a new relationship. Seeing each other twice a week is pretty appropriate I think.

I would not do long distance at that stage tbh. You don't know each other yet, the most you can have is infatuation not actual deep mature love. I'd keep in touch but wouldn't agree to a commitment/monogamy etc.

He's wise to keep his life and his connection with his family. He is still young and you two have not known each other that long. You were actually miffed because he had plans of his own? Don't you think that's a bit much? Don't you have your own friends and family to catch up with??

If you want more at your age, stage of relationship and stage of life, fine, you should look elsewhere for that. But in my experience, a man who wants the same would tend to be on the needy and controlling side... Sorry.

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 01:19

Thanks for your response.

This relationship has felt differently than others from the beginning - agree there is definite infatuation, but in this short time together we have been through a job loss and bereavement and done a hell of a good job of supporting each other. We have a very good foundation at the very least.

Of course I have friends and family I spend time with - and my family extends an invite to my boyfriend at least half of the time. But...with an LDR impending in 2 months, making plans with my boyfriend on the weekend is a priority. Good to hear other povs though!

OP posts:

Littlelondoner · 19/07/2017 01:42

With out sounding rude this sounds a very juvinille type relationship and one i poent many a time teen angst'ing over.

I would hold back investing quite so much as I worry you will get hurt. He needs to step up. At the moment he is treating you like his bit on the side.

Original poster

AnnaF55 · 19/07/2017 01:52

He needs to step up

So how do I clarify this to him - in terms of integrating me with family, consistent weekend time together...?

I think it's worth pointing out that while my bf's heart is in the right place I am his first really serious relationship. He has nothing 'serious' to compare it to as he was generally in shorter, less serious relationships previously.

OP posts:

ThinkOfTheHorses · 19/07/2017 01:58

I've been LD for 3 years now .. it's fucking hard but it works.
You don't live together or are married so he has seperate plans especially when with family - annoying but you have to accept it

NikiBabe · 19/07/2017 04:16

You already feel you have to barter for his time so he doesnt prioritise time with you.

So how do I clarify this to him - in terms of integrating me with family, consistent weekend time together...?

You cant really. You cant make him do it and if you have to ask and if he doesnt already see you consistently at weekends after a year it is safe to say he doesnt want to see you more often.

If you're not prepared to end it then I would just stop. Stop making effort stop bartering for his time and treat him as much of a priority as he treats you which is not very much. Get busy in your own life you're too young to be trying to convince someone to see you consistently.

thestamp · 19/07/2017 04:23

What Niki said.

You need to understand that you can't convince someone to be there person you'd prefer them to be. You have to allow people to be who they are. If who he is naturally doesn't fit with who you are naturally, sorry but then you aren't compatible and will end up making each other miserable.

Note: being in love with someone is not a sign that the relationship will last. You are possibly too young to have learned that yet, but it's the honest to God truth. Love is not enough. It is literally never enough. It takes much more than love for a relationship to thrive.

CircleofWillis · 19/07/2017 06:49

Anna, after a year the amount you are seeing each other seems normal / appropriate to me. The difficulty is not the that he is making plans without you (it is healthy for you to be doing this too) but that the natural development of your relationship is going to be interrupted by the move to LDR. It seems like you want to accelerate the relationship before the change while he thinks there is no need to adjust how you normally operate. LDRs are generally hard unless you have the money and time to visit each other frequently but they can be workable.
Who is actually making the move and why? If it is you perhaps he feels you have not prioritised him. If it is him what was your discussion around it at the time?

Neutrogena · 19/07/2017 06:53

I think you're overreacting. This will feel like suffocation. Give him a bit of freedom and stop the beck and call nonsense.

AdalindSchade · 19/07/2017 07:00

What on earth is wrong with a man in his 20s spending a weekend with family without his girlfriend?
Blimey you lot! Spending most weekends together a year in to a relationship is perfectly normal and fine. And as for the long distance bit coming up - it's not for long and I'm sure you will see each other some if not most weekends won't you? How long is the distance?
Relax, stop smothering him and stop viewing this as a massive betrayal or lack of commitment.

AtSea1979 · 19/07/2017 07:03

OP you never said who was going away and why. I'm guessing it's you are you said your DP turned down a job to be near you.

I think it's perfectly normal to spend a couple of days a week together.
As for the camping, of course he's going to want to see his mates if he's going away, or if your going away he needs his mates around him so probably wants to reconnect with them. If he only sees his family every 6 months then if an event was coming up I'm not surprised he wants to go although I think you not being invited is the issue here. I think that speaks volumes in terms of his feelings towards you and whether he's really planning LDR or just letting things fizzle but if your speaking to his parents etc (which I find odd since you've never been introduced to them) then maybe he is committed.

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