Sexually incompatible - can it last?

[Parttimesuperhero]

Me & my husband have been sexually incompatible for the most of our relationship.
I have the lower sex drive than him and would say at most I feel the urge twice a month which I believe is mainly hormone related.
He however has nagged me the whole of our life together to change my mindset and be more enthusiastic about it. I get that this would be frustrating for him but at the same time I can't just magically create a different sex drive.
We've also been together for 18 years so the familiarity is also relevant.

Given the above, there are many times when we've had sex to satisfy his needs. Again this isn't as often as he would like and I'm just doing it to tick the box for him so we have got by. I'll also wear stockings & suspended occasionally when he asks because that's a thing for him so I have put in effort over the years.
However, the cracks are starting to show following 3 kids together and a one night stand (by him) last year.

Can a long term relationship last given the incompatibility?

I've felt nothing but nagged most of the time & I can see he feels nothing but frustrated.
He is so intense about the subject and I hate the magnifying glass he constantly puts on it.
Add to that being groped at and a daily running commentary on what he wishes I would wear (skirts/dresses/heels - anything to show a bit of leg or butt - Seriously for what feels like the past 18 years daily!!)
I see no effort on his part to lower his drive but he equates that with no intimacy in the marriage. He says he would love a woman who instigates sex. The problem for him is he wants me to want it but I just don't.
I am pretty fed up with a problem that never goes away

But as he has been pestering his wife their entire relationship and also telling her what to wear the the fact she has a 7 week old isnt really the main issue its just part of an on going problem that isnt going to get any better.

I would find it difficult to have sex only once or twice a month. I would feel rejected and, as someone else said upthread, it's akin to a experiencing feelings of hunger and thirst that will never be abated.

The problem is that he could 'sort himself out', but that's no substitute for the intimacy between two people who love each other.

I do agree that he is wrong for putting pressure on you at this time.

What does he say when you actually talk about this?

He appears to be making the mistake that a lot of men make, tbh. Many men hear about the issues with poor body image and assume that the woman just doesn't feel desireable. They also assume that the more they show you just how much they want you, the more confident you will feel and the more you will want it.

It just doesn't work like that though. In fact, the opposite happens because you end up feeling like an object.

Why would anyone want to engage in intimacy with someone who has groped her on a daily basis for 18 years, called her thick and stupid, cheated on her....which he blames her for? What's remotely attractive about that?

He sounds like an abusive twat to be honest OP. He calls you thick and stupid, tells you what to wear and pesters you for sex and has cheated on you? Lovely. Why are you with him?

Tell him to wank and shut the fuck up. When babies are older then Yes, you will have to have more sex with him but not now with a small infant.

He sounds incredibly immature, expecting you to dress to appease his fantasy of what a woman should wear all the time. That and the cheating, the pestering etc, how are you supposed to find that a turn on?

Tell him to do more looking after the baby, the act of doing that lowers testosterone and produces the hormone pectolactin (same hormone that in women stimulates milk production, but in men drives the bonding instinct). This lasts about six months before getting back to normal.

Also is he getting out of shape at all? All this talk of sexy underwear and lewd comments sounds like a massive turn off to be honest, but is he floating your boat anymore? In my experience when a woman's needs are met her sex drive can often outstrip men's, but women are socialized to rarely assert their needs in a relationship.

The pestering sounds horrible, but I am struck how your own feelings about the infidelity really seem glossed over in this thread. You obviously feel strongly about monogamy, but how that affected you sounds utterly erased.

I'd say some counseling might be of some help here irrespective of what you choose here. It might save the marriage if that is what you truly want, but I also feel it might be of some use to you generally to get in touch with what you want to get out of life. Although if he is t committed to the process it won't make any difference.

One parting shot is him making comments about you being thick are totally not on. That's actually abusive behaviour and won't have done your self esteem any good being exposed to that over a long period of time. Also it won't do your kids any good growing up watching their dad undermine their mother in that way. Best of luck and I hope this helps.

Your dh doesn't sound like a sex pest at all

Yes he does.

I appreciate hearing all the different opinions on here and while I'm not going to call time on us just yet I am prepared to at some point in the future if things don't change. That may be sooner rather than later if his attitude doesn't soften.
With the benefit of hindsight I do see that we should have separated a long time ago.
There seems to be no budging his view on this. I honestly think he is lacking emotional intelligence and an ability to empathise with others. I can see his predicament but he doesn't seem to be able to see mine and as always is so ham fisted with his approach.
I'm considering asking him what his views on an open relationship would be and go from there.
I won't agree to one but it will be interesting to see if all the posters mentioning a desire for intimacy with the person they love rather than just a physical need is what is driving him.

Why would anyone want to engage in intimacy with someone who has groped her on a daily basis for 18 years, called her thick and stupid, cheated on her....which he blames her for? What's remotely attractive about that?

THIS - OP, he is vile, truly and utterly selfish with no care for your feelings or even your physical state; I have no idea how you even look at a person like this never mind have sex with them; he just sees you as a sexual convenience, much like an electric drill; you're a hole.

If you have any sense you'll dump him next time he goes whining to you.

Shocked at the responses, the man is abusive.

Do you mind if I ask OP, is this an intelligent guy we are talking about here ? Because in my experience the sex obsession seems very common amongst the guys who are 'not that bright' , I wonder sometimes if it's because they have less clouding their mind all the time, just an observation !! I feel for you, I feel much the same

All this sex stuff aside OP , do you actually like your partner? You seem to speak of him like he has no redeeming features and that's no foundation for a happy relationship.

I understand that it's more complex than that as you have kids together but it's something to think about. One should do more than tolerate their partner.

Going through the same here with my DH. When i had my DS he pressured me to have sex before my 6 week check up despite me having stitches and really not being up for it. Told him afterwards how it upset me the pressure he put on me and he apologised. I had my DD last year and after 3 weeks he was pestering for sex again despite me having a second degree tear. I cried in pain and we stopped, but he tried again at 6 weeks. Again i was in too much pain so we stopped. I stopped on both occasions not him. I feel so hurt by his pressure then and ongoing now. He wont stop touching or grabbing and then says its only because i find you so attractive like i should be grateful. After being fussed over by two young kids i just want my own space when i go to bed so i totally hear where youre coming from Op. I avoid being near him now, kisses, cuddles because i know hell try to lead them somewhere else. A kiss is never just a kiss. I feel so down about our relationship because of this. Hes frustrated and I feel utterly depressed about it all. Cant see a happy ending right now. Sorry didnt mean to hijack, just everything youve said rings true and I wanted to say youre not alone xxx

Stopproddingme. That sounds very close to rape to me. What sort of fucker goes ahead and has sex with his wife when she has stitches, is in pain and still puts the pressure on her? Seriously I'd Ltb my lovely.

Stopproddingme GoldenOrb

Yes - that is exactly what I'm told. "It's because you're so attractive".
No it's not a compliment when it's used as an excuse to behave like a caveman.
Also the inappropriate talk and behaviour in front of the kids seems to be another common theme.
It's sad to see that I'm not alone in having such an insensitive partner.
Thank you for sharing though.
Today I was sent a link from him from the Daily mail "15 things that make women good in bed"
He reads the 'Femail' section religiously and is always sending me links from that columnist Tracy Cox about what women should do to please their man. I hate those articles - especially when you have a husband that thinks his stepford wife should be strictly living by them.
It's so depressing.

Superhero
Id send him the articles about men pressuring for sex...ive sent so many to my DH to get him to back off! The most recent one i sent was the 'no hands' parody! Hilarious and so true! That and an irish blogger discussing sex after having kids. I try to use these articles to show my DH that its not just me being awkward denying him sex, its normal life after kids!!

I'm getting flashbacks reading this. It's not good, op. This man does not care for you or cherish you as much as he loves himself. He has put you in the unenviable position of being the overloaded mother with three tinies including a newborn, where your home life is a pressure cooker of what you are to wear and when you are to be pawed. And the threat of him cheating on you keeping you vulnerable.

You aren't responsible for him being like this but you are responsible for not limiting your exposure to him. The problem lies in that you both expect the other to change and are failing to accept who who you both are.

Handwringing and trying to occupy the moral high ground doesn't change a thing. This is who he is and you have choices, accept that pestering for sex is a part of your relationship dynamic or leave. You are just as responsible as him for staying in a relationship where an unhealthy dynamic has been established because of a major incompatibility.

I'm not suggesting that leaving is easy but I hate to think what would have happened to my mental health had I spent anymore time with my Ex, who would grope me at any opportunity and who thought that initimacy began and ended with sex.

Isetan You are completely right, I'm going to put that to him. We've got to 18 years and I've reached a point where I need to seriously consider my options because I'm not prepared to waste another battling over this.

Er , the balls in your court and batting it back to him is what you have been doing for years (without success), so why would the outcome be any different this time? Repeatedly doing the same thing but expecting a different outcome, is madness.

Why are you so reluctant to prioritise your own mental health? Because continuing to fend of Mr Octopus, will impact it, big time.

I'm sorry to say I've read a lot of insensitivity on both sides of the equation on this thread. It's appalling and completely off putting that you feel pestered and molested OP. But the fact that this has gone on for year suggests that you've never had an honest conversation with him about how it repels you and puts you off him completely.
Advice on sexual intimacy is that it is a central aspect to peoples lives and a marriage partnership is unlikely to succeed without mutual acceptance of each other sexually and emotionally.
The attempts to 'normalise' a lack of acceptance of a partner's sexuality as just 'what happens' after time/kids etc is undone by pointing out all the bad things they do that mean a sexual relationship is not desired. It's not inevitable. Anyone who is repelled by their partner - and who knows why (an affair, lack of emotional connection, resentment, boredom or whatever) should be planning to resolve it or end it, not wondering how long a mutually unsatisfactory relationship can be spun out!

So what happened in the end OP?

I am a woman, but I have a very high sex drive...I’m happy when DH and I have sex 2-3 times a day (though if I could make it more even better).

DH on the other hand went through a spell where he suffered low testosterone and sex went down to about once a week. Even though in retrospect it’s silly, but I felt unloved, unsexy and not at all desired. I tried harder to initiate sex and faced rejection after rejection. It was crushing and I couldn’t have lived like that. I honestly can’t describe how crap it is to have a high sex drive, when your partner would be alright with once or twice a month. Had DH not for medical help, I think eventually our relationship, which is otherwise amazing, would have ended.

However I’d like to add that no matter how lonely, rejected or unsatisfied I felt, I would never, never have cheated on him.