Sexually incompatible - can it last?

[Parttimesuperhero]

Me & my husband have been sexually incompatible for the most of our relationship.
I have the lower sex drive than him and would say at most I feel the urge twice a month which I believe is mainly hormone related.
He however has nagged me the whole of our life together to change my mindset and be more enthusiastic about it. I get that this would be frustrating for him but at the same time I can't just magically create a different sex drive.
We've also been together for 18 years so the familiarity is also relevant.

Given the above, there are many times when we've had sex to satisfy his needs. Again this isn't as often as he would like and I'm just doing it to tick the box for him so we have got by. I'll also wear stockings & suspended occasionally when he asks because that's a thing for him so I have put in effort over the years.
However, the cracks are starting to show following 3 kids together and a one night stand (by him) last year.

Can a long term relationship last given the incompatibility?

I've felt nothing but nagged most of the time & I can see he feels nothing but frustrated.
He is so intense about the subject and I hate the magnifying glass he constantly puts on it.
Add to that being groped at and a daily running commentary on what he wishes I would wear (skirts/dresses/heels - anything to show a bit of leg or butt - Seriously for what feels like the past 18 years daily!!)
I see no effort on his part to lower his drive but he equates that with no intimacy in the marriage. He says he would love a woman who instigates sex. The problem for him is he wants me to want it but I just don't.
I am pretty fed up with a problem that never goes away

You and your DH have a 7 week old baby and he's hassling you for sex???
That is unbelievably selfish of him.

Pestering a woman for sex when she's 6 weeks postpartum is NOT ok.

That coupled with the infidelity would be game over for me. Mismatched sex drives does not entitle you to be a complete twat.

It seems like neither of you are happy with that very important aspect of your relationship. Based on what you describe I'd say you might be better to spilt and hope for more compatible partners in your future. You're DH behaviour as described is very bad...good luck to you both!

"Ask him if he is ok with the idea of seeing the kids 4 days in every 14. That's the reality. Like you say, seems a big price to pay for more sex."

Alternatively, ask him if he's ok with doing his own housework and childcare for his kids 50:50. See what he thinks of that, too.

As far as I see it I don't feel emotionally loved by my husband.
He will argue differently I'm sure. He is very good at complimenting my arse/legs how sexy he thinks I am but in the next breath I'm thick & stupid.
I'm sure he thinks he's being loving with the compliments but I honestly feel like a piece of meat rather than his life long partner. I would much prefer a man who appreciated me for who I am rather than for what I can give to him sexually.
His persona changes as soon as he's been satisfied. He's carefree & has a spring in his step - are men really as basic as 1 shag & they're sorted?

His persona changes as soon as he's been satisfied. He's carefree & has a spring in his step - are men really as basic as 1 shag & they're sorted?

I am aware I am going to get grief for this, but no.

Rephrase and try "feel loved and wanted and they are sorted" and I think you aren't a million miles away but then the same applies to woman.

The difference, I think, being that for men it is often a more physical thing and woman, as you have stated, want to feel loved, supported etc etc.

The problem in my life is no matter how much I do for my wife she still never initiates sex or makes me actually feel like she wants to have a physical relationship (other than when she wanted to be made pregnant - those were genuinely the best few months of our relationship)

Yes. There is a massive spring in my step and the relationship is better all round for a few days on the rare occasion she

So he's verbally abusive too? No, all men are most certainly not like this.

The more you post the more you make a case for leaving. Maybe go for councelling so you can eith put across how you feel.
Do you think your sex drive wained because he didn't make you feel loved and if he behaved differently would want it twice a week say?

"Twice a week say"

OH MY GOD!

Men are doomed. Logging out.

You are not compatible. Either accept that he is likely to have his needs met elsewhere or end the relationship. Sex is important, more so to some than others. If you don't want it, and he does something will give. If you have always been this way, than it is unlikely to change. Would you be ok with him seeing other women? if not, end it.

All I know is I don't want to feel this way anymore and he shows no sign of changing.
As an example he thinks that meeting in the middle would be me wearing a nice pair of knickers to bed for him. I'm happy to do this but on the odd night when I just want to throw on what I want then I'll get a sly dig.
He wants me to be really feminine in skirts & dresses all the time. He thinks I purposefully dress the way I do (skinny jeans/t shirt) to be difficult and do the opposite of what he likes.
I've explained to him that the world doesn't revolve around him & I don't wake up every day thinking 'right what would he like? so the opposite of that is this - great I'm wearing it!' For one I have enough to think about & secondly he's at work all day?!
I've told him he's wrong but it falls on deaf ears!

I think it's cruel that he's pushing his agenda more at a time in our lives when kids & a newborn are going to make things tricky.
Why try to make life as tough. Again he's not starved sexually so why be greedy & push things to breaking point

He sounds awful op, no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

I think you should think about leaving not because you are incompatible but because he sees you as nothing but a piece of meat there to please him.

It sounds a lot worse than sexual incompatibly the more you post OP. It sounds like a lack of basic respect.

Yeah as you post more details it just sounds worse

He doesn't respect you

The thing is OP, for years and years now this man has basically been having sex with someone that doesn't want or enjoy sex with him, what sort of person would do this, he's got little or no respect for you. You can be free and happy, you don't have to put up with this any longer, you really don't you know. Pestering for sex in the short term is a sure way to kill ones sex drive but long term, it's no wonder you
have no interest with him, it's just awful and no way to live.
I hope you can find a way to get out of this situation OP and be happy again. Best wishes.

I don't think a relationship can last without respect OP. And I'd doesn't sound like he has that for you.

I really don't think sexual compatibility is your problem, it seems to me he views you as a possession someone to dress up and behave the way he wants.
When you have sex, how good is it for you? Do you always orgasm?
How often does he do something just because you want him too? Would he be happy to wear clothes you picked out for him, even if he felt uncomfortable in them?

Pestering for sex, when you have a 7 week old is discusting as is the cheating and having a high sex drive is in no way an excuse.
It's not a need!!! If a man needs relive he can see to that himself. Yes it's an important part of a relationship, but it needs to be mutually enjoyable and wanted by both parties. I really can't fathom how someone who supposedly loves someone, could even want sex if they knew the other wasn't really into it.

And don't get me started on him telling you what to wear!! I really can't stand that and honestly that in it's self would be relationship ending for me.
You say you're still youngish, how old OP? (If you don't mind saying)

There is another incoming problem too. The ' touched out' exhausted from having young children stage ends eventually, but is replaced by never having a moment alone together as the kids are awake and xx around for longer and longer.
Waiting out this current stage isn't going to provide a solution, maintaining intimacy in a relationship can be a real battle with kids around for many many years so you really have to be on the same team for this to work.
Your DH has already decided to seek what he feels he needs outside the relationship too. Maybe just once so far but it shows just how much his head is in a different place..and he regards this problem as being entirely yours too. He is not a team member in your marriage.
As the years go on he's going to blame you for more and more.

You are on a path to the end of this relationship already, so you can either get relationship counselling and try to fix it. Go for a controlled breakup or let it roll along until it crashes and burns. ( 3rd option may not be what you want your kids to see as a relationship model)

His behaviour is disgusting, op. He needs to change it if he wants his sex life to improve.
Being horny is nothing like feeling constantly hungry or thirsty, i've been horny this week & my dh is away, somehow I've managed not to shag anyone or sexually abuse anyone in my life.
How could you possibly know what your sex drive is like if you have had 18years of being pestered and groped (sexually abused).
Take a step back, op it's not you. I'm sure he survives at work without groping the nearest female due to his insatiable desire. He has some work to do if he wants his marriage to survive & his sexlife to improve.
It is not your fault that he had a ONS.

Have you thought about seeing a sex/ couples therapist? If you're in London contact Tavistock Relationships

And yes what Velvian said! Both me and my bf have high sex drives, usually do it most days. But he's working away at the moment, yes we both miss it. We aren't off shagging other people though and it feels nothing like being hungry or thirsty.

That said we both love sex with each other, my boyfriend wouldn't want it if I wasn't 100% in to it. When we had DD, he never even asked when I'd be ready again and when I suggested it, his biggest concern was if I was sure I was ready and that I enjoyed it.

He should have left years ago, if it was a problem.

I don't ultimately think a relationship can survive mismatched sex drives. Instead of facing into the real issue, he has taken the easy way and that's not fair

Have you considering councelling at all? Individually or as a couple?
He doesn't sound nice at all, obviously we do not know the extent of your relationship but from what you describe he sounds like a bit of a bully and controlling.
If you are not happy for an open relationship then seperating is best for both of you.
You can't live being pestered and verbally abused, he can't live unsatisfied.

Me and dh were like this . He would nag at me for sex and twice a month I'd give in . Our youngest of 4 dcs has just turned 3.i stopped bf at 2years 6 months and she then started sleeping through . All of a sudden I started getting incredibly sexual and wanted to jump my dh at every chance . I truly believe the kids , hormones , breastfeeding and lack of sleep killed my sex drive but because dh didn't have all those hormones flooding his body his drive remained high . I truly believe we both have the same drive it's just mine was lowered due to childbirth . I want sex every single day now and infact get frustrated if I don't get any and then have to *coughs erm see to myself . Please persevere and I'm sure your drive will return when your baby is older . Your dh doesn't sound like a sex pest at all . He sounds like a normal man albeit the one night stand shouldn't have happened it appears may your post you understand why and have overcome this . Good luck op and congratulations on your new baby xxx

I completely disagree Cuckingfunt1981 I don't think a 'normal' man pesters his wife for sex, 7 weeks after birth or tells her what she should wear.