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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic violence, advice needed

28 replies

JoanBloggs · 18/07/2017 18:10

Husband flew of the handle 5 years ago, sat on me and subjected me to volley of punches which i deflected with my arms over my face until he got me on the jaw. He had tried to thump me a few years before in the car from the fromt seat while i was sitting behind with my toddler son. I stayed with him as i felt so sick with worry that i felt incapable of leaving with my children. He said as i had had depression i would be unlikely to get custody.

Something happened last week to make him angry with me, i was over anxious about something and being a pain, but when i saw the old temper in him i left.

My children are over 16 now, but want me to return. My husband admits he flew off the handle 5 years ago, but says it was 5 years ago get over it as it will not happen again. He knows he did something to me but says he was in such a rage he does not remember. He says he was brought up with violence and i am just unable to let go and forgive.

How can i trust him? Should i give it another go? I must admit i feel free of him at the moment as there was no love shown by him and i was always watching what i said and bought etc. Advice please.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 18/07/2017 18:34

fuck no. no another go at all. violence is never acceptable, it is not your fault. and he does nto give a shit because he thinks you should just get over it.

he should fucking well get over the fact that you are never going to get over it.

JumpingJellybeanz · 18/07/2017 18:41

He remembers. It just suits his agenda to say he doesn't. It will happen again. You know it will. Stay well away and enjoy your freedom.

MrsBertBibby · 18/07/2017 18:55

He totally remembers what he did.

Don't go back.

Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 19:28

Get some kind of admission of the violence from him in text. Report it to the police. Go home once he's arrested and refuse to have him back. Apply for an occupation order through women's aid.

Original poster
JoanBloggs · 18/07/2017 21:05

I have photo evidence of what he did at the time, but i do not want to involve the police. I would rather just leave. I just wondered if anyone had any experience of their domestic abuse being a one off event. He does admit to losing the plot and doing something to me but cannot remember what, but is adamant that he would never have punched me. He even asked my son who saw it all but my son doesn't or will not remember. Therefore i get the impression that his family doesn't believe me. I have now got him to agree to seeing marriage counselling so i think i should try that first before i even consider going back. We have been married over 20 years now.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/07/2017 21:15

Don't go back

He will definitely hit you again at some point

Don't go to counselling
Leave him

ptumbi · 18/07/2017 21:29

why do your dc want you to go back? With respect, what the fuck has it got to do with them? After the age of 16 hey are no longer dependants, so will soon fly the nest, if they haven't already.

Do what is best for you now, not for him or for the kids. He doesn't deserve it, and they don't need it.

SuperSkyRocketing · 18/07/2017 21:34

I second what Shoxfordian said. You've found the strength to leave, don't go back now.

He's shown no remorse whatsoever and just expects you to get over it. To me that shows that he'll do it again at some point. Being brought up in a violent household is no excuse but he's using it as one. He will do it again.

I wouldn't go to counselling with him either. By all means go separately but not together.

Mysteriouscurle · 18/07/2017 22:04

Another one saying don't go to counselling with him. There is nothing left to save. And definitely don't go back to him.

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:09

I am going through a similar situation although my relationship is only of 9 years not a 20 year marriage however I have now eventually allowed myself to realise that they won't change. It's taken me multiple beatings, physically and emotionally and years of feeling drained and treading egg shells to figure out that life won't ever get better if I keep on being blind. I was a believer in people can change, but just do what's in your heart. If you need to seek advice from strangers it's clearly not so good xx
Be safe and happy whatever you choose xx

Original poster
JoanBloggs · 18/07/2017 22:17

Sorry i don't understand the advice not to go to counselling with him. I was hoping that if we went together the counsellor would be a third party to tell him violence, no matter how long ago, is very wrong and he should get anger management help.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/07/2017 22:20

It's not a one-off event. You already have two events, one where he successfully attacked you and one where he did not. You've also got all the hallmarks of someone who has been subjected to ongoing abuse - watching what you say and do in an effort not to 'provoke' him. And finally - you feel free. Why would you give that up?

Donttouchthethings · 18/07/2017 22:23

Please don't give him another 20 years of your precious life.

You've done brilliantly to leave. You've chosen in favour of freedom and it feels good. Keep doing that! Star

RubicsBoob · 18/07/2017 22:24

Name changed for obvious reasons. My current DH and I were in a mutually abusive relationship for a couple years. He was physically violent and I was emotionally abusive. We did manage to get through it, and almost 10 years on we have a happy, healthy relationship. BUT to get to this point we each had to acknowledge that we had a problem, and seek help independently and as a couple, and work quite hard to move away from those behaviours.
So I don't think leaving is ALWAYS the only way of dealing with abuse, I believe people can change, but only if they're honest about their need to change and willing to put a hell of a lot of effort in. If your partner is denying the seriousness of what he did and/or trying to dismiss it as an overreaction or grudge on your part, I don't have high hopes for him ever changing.

KJPxx · 18/07/2017 22:24

OP it's amazing how similar to me you sound.
I has this whole thing just a month ago here on MN where people were offering me advice and I point blank disagreed.
Me and my partner attended counselling last year, and our children. He also did anger therapies and I sought advice for myself too. It didn't change. It didn't stop..
You can only do what you feel is right, getting defensive over the advice your given shows your not ready to really move on x

GelfBride · 18/07/2017 23:03

OP you are being naive. He KNOWS violence is wrong, he just doesn't care is all. He hasn't even apologised. Just said take me or leave me. Fuck that shit. Hold that little flame of free feeling and blow it into a massive blaze and LTB

TheFaerieQueene · 18/07/2017 23:11

Never go to counselling with an abuser. It will leave you open to more attacks. A respectable counsellor wouldn't see you both anyway.

SuperSkyRocketing · 19/07/2017 07:07

^^this would be my reason not to go to counselling with him.

The fact that he sounds very in control of the situation could also mean that he won't let you get your point across and he could get the counsellor on his side. Crazy though it sounds I have heard of counsellors siding with the abuser because they too are drawn in by the manipulation.

KJPxx · 19/07/2017 07:16

SuperSky this is exactly what happened to me last year. He confessed all his sins, broke down, reduced to a quivering wreck, within 6 weeks his therapist sent me a letter convincing me that he had changed and even included that she thought maybe I ought to take some responsibility and maybe I should be quiet when things get heated to avoid angering him!!! Mortified!

KJPxx · 19/07/2017 07:20

OP I completely empathise with you, but until you're ready to accept advice you'll stay. I've posted over the years on MN and I haven't accepted advice until I had a major wake up call stemming from night tremors - you shouldn't need to seek advice if you're content, please do not feel you need to make it work, you haven't failed. You have tried hard to fight for something, the one who physically and emotionally abuses a partner is the one who has failed xx Flowers

MrsChopper · 19/07/2017 07:20

Like fuck does he not remember!

Run for the hills and when you get there, run some more!

category12 · 19/07/2017 07:23

Joint counselling isn't recommended where there has been abuse. Relationship counsellors aren't equipped to deal with it.

You should not go back to him. You say you don't feel love for him and you feel free. Please stay strong and stay away from him.

Your dc want their parents together, of course they do, but that's the familiar and convenient for them and teenagers are still learning empathy. They will get used to it and may begin to see the benefits as you put together a happy life for yourself. They're nearly adults, they will grow to understand.

ptumbi · 19/07/2017 07:37

OP - you DO NOT NEED AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE HIM! If you want to be freee, then go. You do not need his permission, your children's approval, nothing.

And DO NOT go to counselling with an abuser - it gives then ammunition to use next time. A proper counsellor will not see you jointly anyway (for this reason) and s/he will NOT 'tell him' that Domestic Violence (or just plain Violence!) is wrong. They will question him/lead him to his own conclusions. Except that he already knows violence is wrong. He jsut doesn't think it matters.

Original poster
JoanBloggs · 19/07/2017 08:12

Thank you everyone. It is so difficult to see clearly when you feel so low. I am moving from friends to back home with parents just now as i definitely will not even consider going back until he gets professional help with his anger. I also need to get counselling as family and friends do not want to steer me either way...and i understand that. Thank you all.

OP posts:
Eolian · 19/07/2017 08:19

He remembers. And he doesn't need counselling to tell him hitting you is wrong- if he didn't know it was wrong, he wouldn't be 'blanking it out of his memory'. If he doesn't know it's wrong, why would he be "adamant that he would never have punched you"? He is denying and minimising because he doesn't want to be held accountable for his behaviour.