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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has ended things but won't leave

70 replies

Sadandscared77 · 18/07/2017 12:39

Me and my partner (can't say ex yet) had been together 12 years. Over the last few months I suppose he has become distant and I thought he was suffering with depression. This last year has been tough I've been signed off work with anxiety. We've always had a turbulent relationship but when it's good it's great when it's bad it's horrendous. There has been one occasion of DV and lots of EA. I adore this man though for some reason.
A few weeks ago he decided he needed space and went away for the weekend. He came back and seemingly I thought things were better, but obviously not because after instigating sex a few times and me feeling afterwards like it felt different. Hes decided to tell me he doesn't love me like he should and as much as I love him and he's unhappy with me.

I've begged, pleaded, cried everything to him and nothing. I've asked him to leave nearly every day and he hasn't. His reason is he'd rather leave when he's got time off work in a couple of weeks then it will be less awkward for him!!!!! Yesterday I wrote him a letter and left it for him to read while I was out. When I came home he carried on as normal. As did I making dinner trying to keep things normal for our child who has no idea what is happening yet. He then went to sleep early and just hasn't acknowledged anything that I have said in the letter to him. He's quite happy for me to carry on making dinner and washing his clothes but won't acknowledge anything I say. A few days ago he was saying he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, he finds me attractive, is struggling not to just get in our bed with me etc, etc.

I'm so heartbroken and don't know how I will go on without him in my life it kills me to think of him being with someone else. I suspect there could be some one else there are a lot of things that don't add up with him and I've asked and asked him that question too. Not only does he avoid answering it he hasn't denied it either. 😔

OP posts:
Sadandscared77 · 18/07/2017 17:58

Thankyou all. You've all wrote what I needed to read.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/07/2017 20:16

Can you cover the rent alone when he goes?

Could you find a different rental?

Speak to the landlord to find out what the arrangements are for giving notice or getting his name off the lease.

Sadandscared77 · 20/07/2017 12:49

I will be able to just about cover the rent when he leaves.
The lease is in both names so I don't know what happens there.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 20/07/2017 13:05

When is your lease up? Can you contact your landlord and explain what's happening and that you'd like to leave earlier if needed and discuss the options of your ex taking on the lease?

Start to look for other properties

Do all of this without discussing with your ex then when you know the score or have found a place TELL him, don't ask, tell him YOUR leaving. Take control

hellsbellsmelons · 20/07/2017 13:46

I've begged, pleaded, cried everything to him and nothing
Stop doing this immediately.
Just read that back and see how desperate it makes you look.
What if a friend told you this after being treated like shite by her DH!
Any slither of respect he had for you will be gone if you keep doing this.
Cool indifference - no matter how hard it is for you!
Stop letting him have his cake and eat it.
No washing, cooking, shopping, tidying, cleaning for him.
It all stops now.

Talk to your LL and see if you can get the rent put into your name only.
The quicker the better.
That way you can kick him out and he'll have no claim to be able to get back in.

Hont1986 · 20/07/2017 14:44

"Talk to your LL and see if you can get the rent put into your name only.
The quicker the better.
That way you can kick him out and he'll have no claim to be able to get back in."

This isn't an option. You can't just kick one tenant off the tenancy.

thebigbluedustbin · 20/07/2017 14:48

If I were you, I'd pack up all my stuff and move out. If he refuses to go, then I go.

user1499333856 · 20/07/2017 18:36

Why on earth are you doing his washing and cooling and cleaning for him? You should stop that immediately. It doesn't send the signal you want him gone if you are still doing his laundry. Make it uncomfortable for him to stay if you want him out.

Sadandscared77 · 20/07/2017 21:54

Texting another woman he met once a few weeks ago knew I would get the truth eventually. Reckons nothing has happened and they just talked.

OP posts:
Sadandscared77 · 20/07/2017 21:55

Oh and believe me the washing and cooking stopped.

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 21/07/2017 09:44

Glad to hear it OP, he needs to get used to fending for himself now.

Cary2012 · 21/07/2017 17:22

Sadandscared, I've been where you are, and it's a miserable place to be, I feel for you.

The anger will come, but right now your head hasn't caught up with your heart.

My advice would be to feign indifference. A lot of Sandy's post has some good advice about the 180, but it's a hell of a lot to take on board when you feel emotionally broken.

If you can possibly talk to someone in RL, please do. If you can detach from him then that would be great. Plan breaks for you from the home. My ex told me he no longer loved me, was seeing an OW, which he fiercely denied, and refused to leave the family home. I cried, I pleaded, I begged. I made a total prat of myself. Then, one day, I just stopped. I stopped cooking for him, his laundry, his ironing. I went food shoping for me and the kids. I blanked him, I left the room if he came in. If he started rabbiting on about his day, I yawned, got up and left. Basically, I made his home life as uncomfortable as I could. One night he walked in after another 'working late' day, and saw me all dolled up waiting for a taxi. And I just went out with friends for the night. No explanation, nothing.

Then, I got angry. And I filed for divorce shortly after I threw him and his bin bagged stuff out.

This bit is the hardest bit: it will get easier when he goes, the atmosphere will lift, you will find a strength that right now you can only dream of.

Don't be surprised if DC is picking up on the current tension at home, which resulted in the call from school.

If he doesn't go soon, then tell his family, tell his friends, tell the whole world the truth.

Your focus from this minute is you and your kids, nothing else matters.
Take care

Sadandscared77 · 23/07/2017 16:07

Threw him out today.
He's been messaging a woman he met once a month ago and in the last two weeks apparently things have become very friendly and his head is now messed up. She lives 300 miles away. But he has feelings for her and is acting like he's in love.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 23/07/2017 16:13

I'm so sorry OP. Flowers

Bonez · 23/07/2017 18:09

Good on you OP Flowers

Sadandscared77 · 23/07/2017 18:22

I'm so heartbroken. I love him so much. I'm feeling pretty pathetic today. I've been asking him for days to go. He didn't believe me that I meant it.

The final straw was him telling me he wanted to try again with me but I had to tell him to not contact her anymore when he had told her he was hysterical then when I asked him to delete all trace of her he won't he refused to delete anything to do with her, yet wants to try again with me. No don't think so. So two weeks Vs twelve years. 2 weeks wins.

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 18:27

So sorry op sending u big hugs take it a day at a time make sure u look after yourself. X

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 18:32

I am in a similar situation although dh insists they are just friends but deletes their conversations nobody else's I have insisted he deletes and blocks her number but found they had been in contact July 1st. He's broke his phone i had a new one delivered yesterday he isn't aware of this so I am planning on trying to retrieve the messages to find out once and for all. Like u said 22 years over 1 year and 1 year seems to be winning at the moment x

MandateMandy · 23/07/2017 18:46

Did you say earlier that he was messaging your stepson to ask about you? Does that mean that while he was "getting his head straight"
gallivanting with another woman you were looking after his child? Sounds like you are well rid op. Stay strong.

Sadandscared77 · 24/07/2017 11:56

Yes he was messaging my stepson while he was 'away' supposedly sorting his head out asking if I was ok. He was messaging her directly though. I feel so, so hurt and cannot understand how in the space of two weeks he's managed to become besotted my this woman. I've sent her a message but shes just read it then blocked me. It's a good job she lives so far away otherwise I'd have probably been in a spot of bother now.

He's now saying he's away trying to sort his head out. Even though I made him leave yesterday. He's messaged me today saying he couldn't think clearly at home around me. I've sent him a message saying if he's had or intends to have any contact with her then he doesn't need to waste his time sorting his head out.
I'm such a fool for this man and he knows this. Unfortunately I'd have him back in a heartbeat but I won't settle for being second best.
Somehow I need to try to move on but I'm completely lost. I suffer with anxiety and struggle to do a lot as it is.

OP posts:
FluffyFerrets · 24/07/2017 14:14

Sorry this is happening to you.
Pack his shit up and drop it off at his parents if you can.
You are worth so much more.

Sadandscared77 · 21/01/2020 20:56

Hey I'm bumping this post from a long time ago. I've just re read this all back and it's like reading about a different person!
Anyone who's going through a break up, it does get better, it does get easier and life can be so much happier.
I was terrified of being alone and being a single mum. Turns out I could do it just fine. I've now met a kind, generous, caring man and I'm so glad all that happened so that I can now have what I have now.

OP posts:
Menora · 21/01/2020 21:05

I only read half the OP and I am pretty sure he’s got someone else

Menora · 21/01/2020 21:06

Sorry should have read it all!

Glad things are good for you OP 👍🏻

Mary1935 · 21/01/2020 21:11

You maybe entitled to some working tax credits and housing benefit depending on your situation.
It will be painful. Look after yourself and your children.