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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overwhelming suspicion

76 replies

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 02:12

OH and I have been together for 2 years and have a 4mo DD. Since she was born, we've been quite distant. Intimacy is less frequent and we're not loving towards each other like we once was.

Over the past couple of weeks, he's been a lot moodier than usual, snapping over trivial things and becoming irritated with me for no reason. He says we argue too much but when I try to be nice, he's nasty to me. He says we don't have enough sex but he never initiates it. It was his 30th Birthday recently and we got a babysitter so we could go out as a couple and celebrate. He was miserable all night. He says nasty and insulting things to me but dismisses it as 'a joke'.

Over the weekend he suggested moving out to give each other some space due to the frequent arguing (I don't believe it's as frequent as he makes out). We own a house together and he owns another that isn't being rented. I agreed, believing at the time he didn't have an ulterior motive. Anyway, we was visiting family an hours drive away this weekend and his sister suggested I stay there with the baby for anothet week, and he come back home to work. His mood brightened. He was overly encouraging of the idea and even suggested I take money out of our savings to fund the week there, which is very unusual of him as he never usually wants to touch the savings. I told his sister it was too short notice and maybe another time.

We drove home. When home, he told me stay inside with the baby while he unpacked the bags from the car. The car was parked away from the house as our usual space was taken. I stood at the back gate and secretly watched him and he was texting at the boot of his car. He come back into the house and snapped over something again, at which point I lost it and asked him to show me his phone. He point blank refused to show me his phone. He ran in to the other room and I followed him, he then ran outside and towards his car. He returned 5 minutes later. When I asked who he was texting, he said his mum. I spoke to his mum and she told me she hadn't spoke to him.

He's been on his phone a lot more than usual lately and his sister and family members of mine have said the same in passing.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant I found out he was texting a girl from work and had been going to the gym with her. He claimed it was platonic, yet kept it a secret from me and only admitted it when I moved in with a friend and refused to come home until he told me the truth. He had me going crazy with the secret texting and change in behaviour. My suspicions started with that one when I found a receipt in the car for cookies and 4pints of milk that he hadn't brought home. He had taken it to her and I remember him lying about it at the time.

Am I going crazy, or are these red flags?

OP posts:
InTheRedTent · 18/07/2017 23:18

Hope you're doing okay. If you can see the number he was contacting try dropping it into facebook search, if the person is on there you will be able to see who it is.

Sienna9522 · 19/07/2017 01:35

Mat pay is terrible! Just SMP. I didn't qualify for the new scheme because I left before April. I'm back to work in October and I will just about be able to take on the full mortgage, bills and look after DD and be left with some disposable income. It's just the meanwhile that's the problem. I have family that can help though and some savings to tide me over. My mum will be doing most of the childcare while I'm at work so I don't have to worry about that cost.

I still feel absolutely sick when I think about it. We work at the same place and he's told me tonight who it is! Someone he works with. I didn't want or need to know!!! The woman he was texting when I was pregnant was from work too! Both of these girls know me FFS, they're either really horrible women or he's fed them shit that we've split up!!

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 19/07/2017 06:12

That just shows how little he thinks of you, that's going to be completely awkward and embarrassing for all of you once you go back to work. Those women know you've just had his baby and still went along with it, it's disgusting. He's a pig and I honestly think you've had a lucky escape.

ChickenChica · 19/07/2017 06:22

What a dick Angry
Make sure you claim child maintenance asap!

Trickycat · 19/07/2017 08:34

Can you look for a new job? Hold your head up Flowers

thethoughtfox · 19/07/2017 08:48

It sounds like he's creating arguments so so he can reframe your relationship as not working and unhappy so that it why he leaves you / it breaks down and not because of him cheating. It seems to be part of the cheaters 'script'. Look it up on MN. Your story is depressingly familiar. I'm so sorry.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/07/2017 09:27

I'm sorry Sienna
This is, and will continue to be, a truly shit time.
None of us will tell you any different.
The life you thought you have.
The 'man' you thought you had.
Your poor breaking heart!
But we can all also tell you that it will get better.
You need to give yourself time and look after yourself.
You'll run on adrenalin for a while but you will crash.
So keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
As I always say, sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through.
Couldn't stomach anything solid.
Lean on friends and family, they want to help you.
Do NOT keep his dirty secret.
Tell everyone!
Take your time.
No need to rush anything.

mickyblueyes · 19/07/2017 09:51

What hellbells said.

numbandlost · 19/07/2017 10:12

OP I think you're amazing and shown so much strength.
You are doing exactly what I need to do!

RockyBird · 19/07/2017 10:25

What a creep.

You'll maybe have some rough times ahead but hopefully a great holiday with your friend and great times without his nastiness to look forward to.

His cheating arse will be someone else's problem very soon.

All the best to you and your DD.

OliviaBenson · 19/07/2017 10:54

I would have no hesitation in using your shared savings that you mentioned earlier on for you and your child.

Hope you get the name changed on the holiday too- you will have a fabulous time without him I'm certain.

Sienna9522 · 19/07/2017 11:47

Yeah my plan is to take the savings as I'll barely survive on Mat pay! I don't wish him on anyone! He'll soon make their lives miserable after the honeymoon period. I feel sick to my stomach. I ate one piece of chicken all day yesterday (I forced it) and had a couple of wines when DD was in bed. It's not good. I need to get something proper down me today, I might try a sandwich.

Thank you all for your words of advice and support.

OP posts:
Sienna9522 · 19/07/2017 11:51

My plan was to start looking for a new job anyway, so I might have to bring those plans forward. I do shift work at the moment so I might look for something in the community.

OP posts:
2littlemoos · 19/07/2017 15:31

You're doing great OP Flowers

What a scumbag he is!

I know it's dreadful but keep doing what you're doing and look forward to a happier brighter future.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 19/07/2017 16:29

You know him better than anyone on her.

Side note - for me handing over the phone isn't a sign of guilt, him running from room to room is. I wouldn't just hand over my phone because my DH had got something into his head. His actions afterwards is the suspicious part.

Mary1935 · 19/07/2017 16:47

Look at tax credits and working tax credits you maybe entitled to some. He will also need to pay you maintainace for his child. Has he shown much interest as it doesn't seem so. Sounds like you have had a lucky escape. Your doing well by the sounds of it even though it's tough on you. Take care.

user1499333856 · 19/07/2017 16:53

Withdraw at least half of the savings now.

Sienna9522 · 19/07/2017 17:54

He isn't really bothered. He's asked about DD once or twice but hasn't asked to see her or anything. He's still denying anything has happened. My friend went to pick the car seat up from him and he didn't say anything to her. I'm withdrawing all of the savings, I put most in anyway and he's used most of it for his own shit. I will probably see him weekend when he pics DD up as I'm doing 2 KIT days this weekend. I will just kiss the baby bye, give him her stuff and not say a word to him. All that comes out of his mouth is lies.

OP posts:
Fabulousdahlink · 19/07/2017 18:42

I am ahead of you by only a couple of months and can tell you all the advice given here is absolutely spot on. The cheaters behaviour..thinking by telling you who it is that this somehow it legitimises their relationship to the world, telling you somehow removes their guilt now it is no longer a guilty secret. You need your truth to be heard too- so your friends and family know exactly what happened and not the half truths circulated from him to make him look the victim or the other woman the rescuing heroine in all this. There will be tough days ahead with your'new' normal life when you have to deal with hard decisions. There will be days when it is just you and your little one and you will realise how good that future will be. There will be days when you are scared and lonely and lost...but that is where your friends and family will support you.You will have many many more days of happiness and laughter in your life, and they are within reach, you just cant see them yet. Be thankful your little one IS so young- My only wish is that I had found out about my husbands infidelities earlier...when my children were tiny, like your little one, so they could have been oblivious to the whole unpleasant decline and end of the relationship. My teens saw and heard it all...and are now spending time with him in short doses and listening to his poisonous drip feed half truths. Your little one can grow up without that bitterness and mistrust...she has you in her life creating a loving role model of love and respect and much much less of him, much less conflicting emotions and struggling with loyalty betrayal and forgiveness for her thankfully.
Good luck Sienna. Hang on in there...you got this.
Come here to vent too...when that tsumami of emotions are so powerful you never realised you had...without MNetters I would not be where I am now...no longer broken...but just a little cracked!

Sienna9522 · 19/07/2017 21:30

Fabulous I've just cried at your post. At the moment I just can't imagine being on my own. I can't fathom how it will affect DD seeing his side of the family. He has an 8yo son from a previous relationship and his sister is one of the loveliest women I've ever met! I know it's for the best though. I can't put up with being lied to and not good enough for him and taken for granted and put down. I just can't. It's just this bit that is hard and I don't think it's fully hit me yet.

I've lurked on MN since TTC and I've responded to other threads but I've never started a thread and I'm so glad I did. I'm so glad I was told that getting a tracking device is ridiculous and not to waste any more time. I appreciate all the support and advice Flowers

OP posts:
Trickycat · 20/07/2017 00:03

Sienna, hope you are doing okay. He is a fool and you will thrive without him in your life pulling you down.

Fabulousdahlink · 22/07/2017 09:03

Sienna. I meant to help and not hurt. It is the worst pain ever. All the emotionas are big emotions. But guess what...you are setting an amazing role model for your tiny dd about relationships. That a woman, you,+ are worth more as a person and wont tolerate a bad relationship which isnt positive and nourishing for you. That is singularly the greatest gift you can give her.
The other stuff is hard. Hard to reimagine yourself in this new and unwanted role. It is like a bereavement dealing with that emotional loss. I am trying to keep in laws relationships going GP's's etc because my children like them and stbxh decisions were not their doing. It might be possible to maintain a friendship with your dd's aunty..it may not.
You have my heartfelt sympathy. I received so much wisdom and advice on my own posting from others who sadly have trod the path ahead of me and I know how scared I was thinking it would be too hard on your own . It will be the worst and best emotional rollercoaster ride. But it DOES get better. Honestly. Keep posting. It helps. Who knows, in a few months time you too might be offering support to another mnetter. ..
Good luck and keep posting.

Fabulousdahlink · 22/07/2017 11:14

BTW...it is he who is not good enough for you...and absolutely not the other way round.

chaz777 · 27/07/2017 14:34

How are you Sienna? Smile

Sienna9522 · 15/08/2017 00:41

chaz777 sorry I've only just seen your post. Thank you for asking. I have good and bad days. I still get angry, upset and confused but I'm getting used to it being just me and my daughter. Morning and night times are the worst for overthinking. I also feel quite resentful of him!

OP posts:
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