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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overwhelming suspicion

76 replies

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 02:12

OH and I have been together for 2 years and have a 4mo DD. Since she was born, we've been quite distant. Intimacy is less frequent and we're not loving towards each other like we once was.

Over the past couple of weeks, he's been a lot moodier than usual, snapping over trivial things and becoming irritated with me for no reason. He says we argue too much but when I try to be nice, he's nasty to me. He says we don't have enough sex but he never initiates it. It was his 30th Birthday recently and we got a babysitter so we could go out as a couple and celebrate. He was miserable all night. He says nasty and insulting things to me but dismisses it as 'a joke'.

Over the weekend he suggested moving out to give each other some space due to the frequent arguing (I don't believe it's as frequent as he makes out). We own a house together and he owns another that isn't being rented. I agreed, believing at the time he didn't have an ulterior motive. Anyway, we was visiting family an hours drive away this weekend and his sister suggested I stay there with the baby for anothet week, and he come back home to work. His mood brightened. He was overly encouraging of the idea and even suggested I take money out of our savings to fund the week there, which is very unusual of him as he never usually wants to touch the savings. I told his sister it was too short notice and maybe another time.

We drove home. When home, he told me stay inside with the baby while he unpacked the bags from the car. The car was parked away from the house as our usual space was taken. I stood at the back gate and secretly watched him and he was texting at the boot of his car. He come back into the house and snapped over something again, at which point I lost it and asked him to show me his phone. He point blank refused to show me his phone. He ran in to the other room and I followed him, he then ran outside and towards his car. He returned 5 minutes later. When I asked who he was texting, he said his mum. I spoke to his mum and she told me she hadn't spoke to him.

He's been on his phone a lot more than usual lately and his sister and family members of mine have said the same in passing.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant I found out he was texting a girl from work and had been going to the gym with her. He claimed it was platonic, yet kept it a secret from me and only admitted it when I moved in with a friend and refused to come home until he told me the truth. He had me going crazy with the secret texting and change in behaviour. My suspicions started with that one when I found a receipt in the car for cookies and 4pints of milk that he hadn't brought home. He had taken it to her and I remember him lying about it at the time.

Am I going crazy, or are these red flags?

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 12:39

You have your evidence. Now try to stop dwelling on the details of his actions and focus on what your actions are going to be.

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 12:41

We have a holiday booked in August that I paid for for his birthday, I'm going to tell him he won't be going and it will just be me and the baby.

My heads too fuzzy right now but the next thing will be solicitor.

OP posts:
Trickycat · 18/07/2017 12:44

Sip water and try to eat something. Focus on your DD. Resist the urge to phone or text him for now. Keep breathing, you will be okay.

chaz777 · 18/07/2017 12:51

Does the bill show what number he actually texted?

iwannapuppy · 18/07/2017 12:56

So sorry it's turned out like this. Try and keep a clear head and get the cheating bastard out of your life but if you can stay civil for the sake of your baby. You are better than this shit though, don't forget that!

Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 12:58

For a small fee you should be able to take someone else on the holiday . Go on and arrange that. Will prove to him you are serious and he can grump about it all he likes he won't legally be able to travel. Time for pulling up your big girl pants and giving it to him both barrels, cheating bastard.

CremeFresh · 18/07/2017 13:02

You poor thing , I remember coming over all faint when I found out my ex was cheating, it's a horrible feeling. Keep yourself hydrated and breathe slowly, it's a horrible shock.

I personally would cut all contact for now and see a solicitor when you've gathered yourself Flowers

jeaux90 · 18/07/2017 13:07

Don't make any rash decisions. But no
More talk of tracking devices. You know what's going on.

Your holiday in August can you do a name change and ask a relative or friend to come? It might be a good chance for some distance and peace. I would try and take a supportive person with you though.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/07/2017 13:13

I agree with others
Play your cards carefully here.
Don't give him any clues right now that you know.
Sit down and think things through thoroughly.
What are your next steps?
Do you need to keep him on side for a few weeks / months to get yourself sorted etc.....
Definitely speak to a couple of solicitors.

You call him OH. Are you married?

And see if someone else can go on the holiday with you.

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 13:20

I never thought of a name change, great idea! I have a lovely friend who could do with a break.

I've told him I know about the texts but that's it. He's coming to collect some more stuff around 4 and I've planned to be out when he comes. There's no point in me saying anything to him. He'll never admit it, but I knew before I looked at the phone bill.

Lying, cheating bastard!

OP posts:
Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 13:22

No we're not married, thank goodness! I can see him being difficult about the house.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 13:22

You go girl. I really respect your plan to be firm and absent when he attends and just act on what you already know, not trying to create extra Jeremy Kyle style drama. Well done.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 13:34

Go on girl, you sound like you wont take any shit. Keep that attitude as it will serve you well.

Sorry about your scumbag of a now "ex "

Take care of yourself, you don't need him. x

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 13:40

I really don't. I won't speak to him so he can lie to my face like he did the other night. I know what I know and he will never admit it because he's spineless. I won't be with someone who I'm not good enough for, who lies, cheats and deceives me. Who takes me for granted and puts me down. Who would risk ruining a family life for his daughter for the sake of his dick. I could be with someone who loves me. I'm not wasting any more time. It's time to pull my finger out and sort the split of the house and contact with DD, It's her I feel sorry for. He deceived me in pregnancy and I never trusted him from then. I feel content in the fact that he won't find anyone who is as good to him as I was.

OP posts:
Fabulousdahlink · 18/07/2017 13:53

Trickycat and Emboo are right. Go to a friends- dont be alone and dont speak with him yet. Make a plan. You deserve an honest relationship.

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 13:57

I'm staying at my friends tonight, I was hesitant but I'll drive myself crazy if I stay at home thinking and crying. She can help with baby too. DD is full of a cold at the moment so not very happy.

OP posts:
Fabulousdahlink · 18/07/2017 14:01

Hard to think straight when your child is unwell. Good luck. It's a tough journey but people on here have helped me through it, and they will be here for you too..mumsnetters all always here x

Trickycat · 18/07/2017 18:45

How are you doing Sienna?

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 18:54

I just feel numb. I'm at my friends house but it's not really been a distraction. I feel bad for the baby and I'm worrying that he's going to be difficult about things to spite me. I hate him!

OP posts:
Trickycat · 18/07/2017 19:10

Okay you need to pace yourself. You are going to feel a lot of strong emotions and there is not an easy fix. Try not to worry about what he might do and don't worry about your baby; with your love and care she will be fine. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel better, you will be okay but it takes time Flowers

Sienna9522 · 18/07/2017 19:51

We had so many plans. To get married, more children. I should be lucky I've found out now before any of that happened to be fair. I'm pretty confident he would've continued and tried to have the best of both worlds. I'm planning on taking it one day at a time, my head is too messed up right now to think about child contact arrangements and legal stuff with the house. He's living elsewhere so that's that. Thank you for checking in Tricky it really does mean a lot.

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 18/07/2017 22:11

What's your financial situation OP ? Are you independently secure, good mat leave benefits etc ? Or are you totally reliant on him. ? If the latter then your options are limited. You need to get details of his income for CM and details of his property. It's a slim chance but even though you are not married he may have to house your child (and therefore you) under schedule 1 of the children's act.

Trickycat · 18/07/2017 22:39

One day at a time is a good plan. And yes, be thankful he has shown his true colours now even though it is a thoroughly shit revelation.

Read the Chumplady website; everyone there is in the same boat.

GlitterSparkles17 · 18/07/2017 22:48

Well done for seeing the light OP. You've made the best decision for you and your daughter, she deserves to see you happy. I hope you and your daughter have a lovely holiday together without the lying scumbag!

SonicBoomBoom · 18/07/2017 22:57

You're making the best decision here Sienna. You'd be tortured if you tried to continue this relationship. He's not got the balls to admit what he's up to, he'll just keep lying to you and that will be sheer hell for you. That sort of thing really messes with your mind.

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