How can I like mil again?

[MissesBloom]

Pil have been irritating the shit out of me for a very long time. They are on the whole nice people, but entirely different to me and my family and their parenting style is different to mine too.

Mil believes in spoiling kids and catering to their every whim. She did this with her own two and doesn't respect that I parent her dgc in my own way. She insists that we see her every weekend whether we are busy or not and puts on a childish sad voice if my husband says we have other plans. Once she's shoehorned herself into our weekend she spends the time with us winding the kids up (by giving sweets or being generally over excited about anything and everything) and then when they start to act up (which they always do around her) she tries to block me from calming them.
When the dcs are over excited and they start to misbehave I tend to take them to one side, get down to their level and ask them to calm down and stop whatever it is they are doing I'm not happy about. Mil however will walk right up behind me and try to either pull the kids away or shout over me so they can't hear me. She offers them alternatives (games, more sweets and anything else she can bribe them with) because she feels my way of parenting is too strict. She will literally get in front of me and into their faces and blocks me completely. I find this infuriating and have asked her several times to give us some space when I'm talking to my kids. She doesn't argue but quickly goes back to her old ways a few weeks later. It ends in me almost vying for my own kids attention and getting annoyed with them that they can't focus on what I'm saying... Which is totally not their fault.

Fil also has his own issues. Cannot be left to watch dgc on his own as he has form for wandering (once left two dgc unattended in a house when the youngest was around 18m old and he was down the end of the street-didnt even bother to close the front door just left it ajar). He is an addict and compulsive liar. He loves his dgc but his lies always come first. He regularly uses my nieces as a cover if he's lost loads of money and says they've pinched his bank card etc which we know isn't true.

I really am at a point where I cannot stand them around me and the kids. They honestly love my dcs to bits but the more mil forces her way round the less I want to see her. We see her for one day every weekend and every time she leaves here I'm fuming and struggle to calm down. Dh agrees with me more or less but doesn't like to upset her unless he has to. He will tell her when she's out of line but often when she intervenes it's done when he's out of earshot.

My question is really how can I improve this relationship for all our sakes? Mil is not open to criticism at all and either gets mad and tells us "I actually have brought up 2 kids of my own you know!" or just gets upset and guilt trips dh. I need to find a way to like them again or at least be able to bear them.. Any ideas?

When she says that she's brought up two of her own, reply, "Yes, and now your job is done. These are MY children." Also, avoid these people as much as possible. It's time for some new boundaries.

Also, it's time for a very serious talk with your husband. He needs to know that you expect him to be In your corner. Pick a calm time to have this talk. Not after your monster-in-law has made you homicidal.

Great advice from Aqua

You need your husband to back you up. And you need to set some reasonable boundaries with your mother in law. When she goes against your parenting rules, she is told to leave. Every time. Refuse to discuss it: tell her to go and show her the door. And your father in law can't be left with your children ever again.

They sound a nightmare. I'm not surprised you're fuming after every visit. They're behaving very badly.

Thanks all.

Fil is never allowed to watch kids unattended but he is welcome if mil comes too. She is under strict instructions not to ever leave him unattended and swore to dh she never would.

Im one of those people who are terrified of confrontation. I need to find a way to man up with her a bit more.

We are currently in the middle of an argument over a birthday party that she told us she expects me and dh + kids to attend. Someone in her side of the family that we haven't seen for 2 odd years and an hours drive away. We've had hardly anytime together lately, Saturday is my only free day this week and frankly I don't like being told what to do. I'm digging my heels in and refusing to go. I've said if dh wants to go he is more than welcome but I'm going out with the kids for the day. He is not happy with me... And I know I'm being petty but I cannot stand how overbearing mil is being. Forever telling us about things she 'expects us to go to' at the drop of a hat.

I need to find a way to be more assertive I think

You can absolutely learn to become more assertive. You are a grown woman. Married with children. YOU make the decisions as for what you do and what you will tolerate. The word "no" is your best friend.

Why is your DH annoyed with you? Does he want to go to the party or does he want to avoid telling his mother no?

One day a weekend would be far too much for me and I like my PIL! You need to agree with DH a reasonable amount of time to spend with them and get him on board with enforcing that.

How often do you see your own family?

It's ridiculous that I find it so hard to stand up to her... Yet if it was my own mother I wouldn't think twice about correcting her. I'm like it with dsil too. I find it hard to set boundaries so they walk all over me. Dsil will give the kids chocolate after me saying no in front of kids she'll wait till my back is turned and sneakily hand it to them.

It just stops me trusting them. Which is a shame as dc adore them (probably because they all give dc whatever they want whenever they want) it makes life so difficult.

Dh doesn't really want to go to the party but is going because mil is saying she wants him to go. We have no other plans that day, but equally I'd love to spend it with dh as a family. I feel as though my not going will make me look mean, and if I'm honest with myself the inconvenience of it isn't the only reason I don't want to go. I cannot bear having someone pressure me into stuff. I'm used to a family where we do more or less what we want... No expectation or guilt. And again I'd never put up with it from my own parents. I'd simply say no I don't fancy it and that would be that. Just hard to know if I should bite the bullet and go to this thing to please them or be stubborn and risk looking like I'm being spiteful.

Also we've talked about how often they visit and said maybe we should take a weekend off every so often. We see both sets of parents every weekend however mine is by choice. If it's inconvenient to my parents or us we just say see u next weekend maybe and that's it. Dmil would never have that. If we couldn't accommodate her seeing her 'babies' she'd do baby voice down the phone and try and guilt dh into it. To be fair to him he doesn't cave very often he finds it as irritating as me. But sometimes he agrees to keep the peace.

Time to woman up or have how ever many more years of this shit. You will have no-one to blame but yourself if you allow this awful behaviour to continue. Your DH needs to absolutely support you.

There are many threads on here about MILs.
How about little steps with your H's family.
Next time they give them any sweets etc, you go right behind them and take them of your children and tell your little ones that wen they are extra good they may get the sweets etc.
Then put them in your bag.
if the family keep going behind your back and giving them crap then pick up your children and quietly leave.
But you have a problem with your H and need to start being in charge of your own family
Take back your control.

I have a power struggle with my mil too, but no young kids (DSS almost 18 and living with us). MIL likes to force material stuff on us and doesn't take no for an answer. Always manipulating a situation, or being passive aggressive So DH doesn't always know how to back me as he's learned some of these behaviours. I've gotten wiser to her and push back now. I'm not perfect at it. But she hates it. DH is noticing her ways now as she's worse the happier in marriage he seems.

My friend is extremely assertive with her overbearing mil. Won't even let her flick through a photo album at her house unless mil asks. Her mil is a master player and my friend just won't have it. Funny enough, her mil was widowed for about 20 years and has a new equally assertive gentleman friend noe, who has pulled her up on her sh*t.

I've got a feeling that your dh might benefit from Al-Anon, considering his father is an addict. He is probably used to giving in to his mother as he sees her as the victim of his father's addiction.

Every time she behaves badly, refuse to see her the next weekend stating 'it was such a disaster last weekend, so we are having a quiet one this weekend'. Help her link her bad behaviour with not seeing the kids for a while.

As for the silly voice begging to visit, just end the phonecall nicely but promptly. 'Anyway if better be off now, the kettles boiled. Chat to you another time. Bye'

That is a lot of stress to cope with on a weekly basis, it's entirely reasonable to not want to live your life that way.

What do you and your DH value as a couple and a family? It could be helpful to discuss what's important to you. If maintaining a relationship with his family is an important value, but so is having quality time together as your immediate family, you need to think about how to do things a bit differently so that you're not putting the one ahead of the other all the time.

Your DH will have to get more comfortable with upsetting his mother sometimes. If that's occurring within a context where you both feel good about the choices you're making for your life together, he may find more strength to say no to her some of the time.

It's cliche, but life is short. You don't want to spend your children's precious young years coping with overwhelming stress and negativity every single weekend.

Frankly those are some great ideas I've never really tried just taking them home. I often take the chocolate or whatever it is but it is always me who ends up looking cruel to them and my kids. I don't want them growing up seeing me forever taking things away but at the same time there needs to be limits. Maybe dh should be the one to tackle this when he's around sometimes too.
Atenco their family sweep the addiction under the carpet, it's spoken about between dh, mil and sil in whispers basically. Dfil has a terrible temper and is unapproachable. He has treated mil disgustingly but she won't walk away from him. I don't think dh feels sorry for her in that sense but they've learned never to lend him money and to keep money separate as he has had them blacklisted etc.

Beach we are on the same page for the most part. Dh often says he wants more time for just us. We recently had a weekend where both sets of parents were away and it was pure bliss. We got so much done and went out whenever we wanted without having to plan around them. They are important to me though, they're not perfect by any stretch but family all the same and the children really do adore them.

I know this is something I need to get under control. I'm seeing them this weekend so maybe should set out some rules with the kids before we go.. I. E. They are to ask me before eating 15 slices of cake sil gives them.

Id like to cut the visits a bit more but not sure what is reasonable really. Maybe every couple of weeks would be good. I'd be happy to just say we're busy but I know dh will end up getting moaned at. The sooner we stop this craziness the better think we've left it to go on for way too long.

Thanks for all the advice sometimes good to have a new perspective on it

Really interesting to read this as a lot of it could have been written about my MiL. Hope things improve for you soon.

If you're enjoying the visits then every day could be appropriate.

As you're not enjoying them, they're causing friction between you and your husband, and your in-laws are actively undermining your parenting and being rude to you, then no visits at all could be appropriate.

Talk to your husband. Remind him of how nice it was when it was just the two of you. Remind him how awfully his family treat you both. Suggest what's appropriate for you both. Be prepared to negotiate with him, and so perhaps suggest a low number of visits with a view to agreeing to more.

My husband sees his parents every other weekend, thereabouts. I rarely go with him because we don't get on very well but it's nice for him to have time with them. We're both fine with this.

Exactly what Atenco said. Read up on addiction, codependency, children of alcoholics etc - what's going on will all start to make sense.

I have exactly the same set up in my family and it's hard work to change the dynamic when you've put up with it for so long. BUT it will pay off! Counselling or 12 step programme to support you in setting effective boundaries (i.e. following through with consequences, not looking to control - e.g. 'If you continue to moan at me I will put the phone down' then following through, rather than 'stop moaning at me' or just listening to it).

Learn to shed the guilt. Allow yourself to feel it, notice that you're feeling it, and allow it to pass through you. Mindfulness helps with that. Headspace has a good video on watching emotions pass which helps you not to be ruled by them -

No one should feel ambushed for setting healthy boundaries on what they will and won't accept in their own life, but it's up to you to practise not letting that guilt rule your actions.

In your situation I made lots of passive aggressive comments to the children about grandparents not caring if your teeth fall out, grandparents not caring about healthy eating. Silly grandparents.

Dc are 20 months and 4 yrs. Both behave very well for the most part and they are at their worst when mil/fil/sil are involved. We have rules at home that both are expected to follow (put toys away after using them, no smacking, pushing, being mean or bullying each other, play nicely and share, no treats before dinner, chocolate allowed but not all the time) they know exactly what they can get away with, they know if my back is turned they can get away with things when ils are here. It makes our job as parents much harder as they throw everything into disrepute. They are very high energy all the time which Dc are not used to, there's clapping, screeching, shouting, running and general mayhem when they're about . It's lovely for the kids that they are enthusiastic, but it can be hard to calm them down afterwards and get any sense out of them iyswim? They don't believe in discipline whatsoever, if a child cries they are picked up immediately and given whatever they ask for. I try not to swoop in instantly on dcs unless they need me and certainly wouldn't give sweets every time they cry.

RE the addiction, we should look into this more. Dh puts up with alot from fil not least keeping him in work which has been a burden on many occasions. He does the same for bil too. I never really put much thought into how fils addiction would impact on dh but it must have some.

The thing is I've known these people for a long time and they important to me. I don't want to stop having contact with them, but the problem is the contact is too often I think. To keep it 'fair' I'll probably have to limit my own parents visiting otherwise it'll seem as though I'm treating in laws differently. The truth is they behave differently and I find them too much. Also I am brutally honest with my parents and just wouldn't put up with being undermined. I've had issues with my own dm in the past but always have it out with her straight away because I can't just sit on my feelings... It makes me angry.

We don't live close enough to pop to theirs for a cup of tea during the week otherwise I'd do this to save our weekends from being tied down so much.

I think I need to put my big girl pants here and be more assertive. I just get instantly waffly and uncomfortable when I have to Have these kind of conflicts.

Tinkly that's not a bad idea.. I've done this a little before but they take it as a joke. With them I kind of need to be more direct.

I would want at least one day per weekend free for family time so I would see one set of parents one weekend and the other the next. You need to start establishing this now as it will only get more difficult to balance all this once the DC are older and you have their social lives to factor in as well (birthday parties etc).

If we saw both sets of parents every weekend I'd go mental! How do you get anything done?!

I don't think you need to make things even between your parents and your ILs. If your parents are more respectful of your parenting (or at least of you saying no) and you find them fine to be around, there's no reason not to see them as much as you want to. You're genuinely not responsible for keeping your in-laws happy. As you say, you value the relationship, and you can maintain that relationship while still having some more boundaries in place for yourself, including seeing them a bit less. It's actually totally separate from your parents.

I used to try to make things more even with my parents and my ILs but the bottom line is my parents treat my DH and I much better than my ILs do and we can rely on and trust them emotionally in a way that we can't my ILs. I can't explain that to my ILs in a way that will make sense to them, but that doesn't matter, I'm not going to miss out on being with my family just to make my ILs feel better, when they've repeatedly put their feelings ahead of mine. It's possible to still see them and have a relationship with them without sacrificing as much of myself as I was. I'm not saying its easy, but I'm tired of putting my own emotional needs last in the name of keeping everyone else happy (which doesn't even work anyway).