How can I like mil again?

[MissesBloom]

Pil have been irritating the shit out of me for a very long time. They are on the whole nice people, but entirely different to me and my family and their parenting style is different to mine too.

Mil believes in spoiling kids and catering to their every whim. She did this with her own two and doesn't respect that I parent her dgc in my own way. She insists that we see her every weekend whether we are busy or not and puts on a childish sad voice if my husband says we have other plans. Once she's shoehorned herself into our weekend she spends the time with us winding the kids up (by giving sweets or being generally over excited about anything and everything) and then when they start to act up (which they always do around her) she tries to block me from calming them.
When the dcs are over excited and they start to misbehave I tend to take them to one side, get down to their level and ask them to calm down and stop whatever it is they are doing I'm not happy about. Mil however will walk right up behind me and try to either pull the kids away or shout over me so they can't hear me. She offers them alternatives (games, more sweets and anything else she can bribe them with) because she feels my way of parenting is too strict. She will literally get in front of me and into their faces and blocks me completely. I find this infuriating and have asked her several times to give us some space when I'm talking to my kids. She doesn't argue but quickly goes back to her old ways a few weeks later. It ends in me almost vying for my own kids attention and getting annoyed with them that they can't focus on what I'm saying... Which is totally not their fault.

Fil also has his own issues. Cannot be left to watch dgc on his own as he has form for wandering (once left two dgc unattended in a house when the youngest was around 18m old and he was down the end of the street-didnt even bother to close the front door just left it ajar). He is an addict and compulsive liar. He loves his dgc but his lies always come first. He regularly uses my nieces as a cover if he's lost loads of money and says they've pinched his bank card etc which we know isn't true.

I really am at a point where I cannot stand them around me and the kids. They honestly love my dcs to bits but the more mil forces her way round the less I want to see her. We see her for one day every weekend and every time she leaves here I'm fuming and struggle to calm down. Dh agrees with me more or less but doesn't like to upset her unless he has to. He will tell her when she's out of line but often when she intervenes it's done when he's out of earshot.

My question is really how can I improve this relationship for all our sakes? Mil is not open to criticism at all and either gets mad and tells us "I actually have brought up 2 kids of my own you know!" or just gets upset and guilt trips dh. I need to find a way to like them again or at least be able to bear them.. Any ideas?

I agree totally about my own dp especially as they are nothing but supportive but as ever, if they are seen to be treated differently we'll never hear the end of it. Was the same when ds was born. I asked for some space after a very difficult labour and was trying to learn how to feed with the baby. We asked for no visitors for the first week (although was happy for them to meet baby whilst we were still in the hospital). They turned up and fil kicked off before he even set foot on the ward and started a huge argument with dh. We were exhausted after being away for almost 3 days straight and just could have done without it. I ended up keeping my own parents away despite me desperately wanting and needing their support all because his family kicked off. They even nicknamed my son 'the messiah' as we asked for some space

I don't think dh would be on board anyhow even if I suggested it. I tested the waters earlier and he says there's no point as there is forever a birthday or some event we have to go to so we'll never get hardly any weekends 'off'.

Its really starting to grate on me now. Had another talk today about this party we're expected to go to. Dh says he wants to go and if me and the dcs don't it will make it awkward for him. I'm so torn with this. I don't want to be spiteful but someone needs to put an end to all the control.

Well done beach for being so pro active. I need to find a way to do this without alienating them or upsetting dh in the process.

Do you think she did a bad job bringing up your DH? Is he damaged do you think?

I think I have alienated them, I haven't seen them in a while and I can't really describe the whole thing without it being too identifying. But I've decided I'm okay with having some relationship with them but less of one than before.

But, DH and I are on the same page. He has more of a relationship than I do but he has pulled back a bit too. He's also learning to stick up to them for both of us.

For us, this was all started by a series of negative events with them, and then I got pregnant with our first and we realized we needed much firmer boundaries and to figure out what we actually even wanted in a relationship with them. So we started seeing a counsellor together to try and figure some of that out. It has been really helpful. One thing we've decided, and it has been hard for me to put myself before them on this, is that they can't come see the baby right away. They'll meet it, we aren't trying to prevent that, but we're putting our needs as a small family first. We'll see how it goes, I am nervous, but the more we work on this, the clearer it is to me that it's the right choice and that we'd been bending over backwards to please them at our own expense.

For me, personally, I had to start thinking of my needs and not of DH's. I don't act on that alone, I respect his need to see his family and I support that, but before I was so blinded by trying to support him that I totally threw my own self under the bus. Now I try to at least identify what would be best for me and then compromise from there.

It's not easy, it's all ongoing, but I do feel much much better than I did before and I think my day to day experience is healthier.

I wouldn't let an addict in my house.

I wouldn't let an addict's enabler be in my house every weekend.

Doubly so of that addict enabler were teaching my children that every desire must be fed no matter the impact on your health and wellbeing, while simultaneously teaching them that, I their mother can be ignored if they want.

You are far too relaxed about it.

Maybe you should start talking openly about his addiction, theft, accusing innocent children of theft to cover his tracks, violent anger. Tell everyone.

Your 4yo should start hearing age appropriate messages about grandad being an addict and grandma helping him be an addict. He shouldn't be thinking that either of them is a good role model or someone you approve of. They should know that offers of "sweets" from people like this must be rejected.

I'd be telling them straight out that they aren't welcome because FIL's a nasty lying crackhead. When he gets clean they'll be welcome again.

Haffiana no overall I wouldn't say she did a bad job bringing up dh (and it's not for me to judge - nobody is perfect) but we both have completely different schools of thought. She allowed dh to grow up eating bread and butter because he didn't like anything else, rather than challenging it or finding some sort of alternative. He and sil never had to work for anything they were given more or less what they wanted. My upbringing was entirely different and I had a Saturday job for a couple of hours with my dm when I was about 12. I don't feel like they encourage my dc to value anything...its overkill with everything and zero moderation. Dh is not damaged but sil is entitled and now heavily dependant on mil and fil.

Beach it seems like you got to the point where you had enough. It's great that you and dh are on the same page. I've left this so long that we've become used to this behavior and it's just been allowed to go unchallenged. If I'm going to make changes I need to go slowly and have dh on side too. Perhaps the way to go is to start letting people know I'm unhappy when these things crop up. And not just drop it either. I'm just scared to rock the boat.

I think I'll plan a nice day out Saturday and just say if we've had our day out and there is time left we can visit the party for an hour. It will be a good way to set some ground rules with in laws as they love to undermine me in public

Run I totally agree...fil is not addicted to drugs of any kind he is a gambler. But a serious gambler. I won't go into the problems he's caused their entire family over the years but he's learned to also be a compulsive liar. I will be very open with the children about his behaviour as they grow.. Although my eldest is 4 so doesn't really understand that fil can't be trusted with any kind of responsibility.

Mil is a kind woman, much to her detriment. It's probably the reason she has enabled this. I just need her to tone down the overbearing behaviour in my house and she will be welcome.

Dreading this now I know I'll have to have a conversation with them and it makes me get knots in my stomach. No idea why I'm such a wimp with them.