update from hurtwife

[hurtwife]

A big thankyou firstly to everyone who helped me through my very dark days - starting back at the end of october.
A quick reminder for those who cant remember - Found out H having long term affair with woman at work very serious and intense. He left me with 4c and rented place of his own. He was still very confused and i was devestated. He wanted to make a go of it - we tried his heart wasnt in it he finally left 1st jan!!
His heart wasnt in leaving either and i had started to move on - well you have to with kids to think of. i was moving to a new house and all be it very slowly getting some sort of life again. He basically had a breakdown and couldnt cope with anything, at first i felt very sorry for him and let him see the children as often as he wanted although he was not able to really look after them properly.

He then wanted to get our old life back again and was willing to get help and really take some time to do it properly. He went to see his Gp who said he should not go back to work for at least 2 months and in fact his work have been fantastic in telling him to fully recover and take 6 months off!!!

He is due to go back in June.

We have had a wonderful time together and i think we can really make things work out again. it is hard and i have a daily battle to think positive thoughts but it is getting easier.

I have read some other threads from time to time which have given me the strengh to carry on and i would especially like to thank maturer she seems so spot on with all her wise words.

I have the time to write now as i am tucked up in bed very poorly with tonsilitis - hurts like hell but i am soooo bored!!

The only advice i would like would be how to get the nasty thoughts about the ow out of my head - would i really feel better if i just went and confronted her. I have phoned her but despite me being civil i know she is nothing more than a common liar as i asked her to respect me and let me know if he went back to her (which she didnt) so i cant trust her one inch.

The other problem is when he returns to work that i will worry like mad - i know he would be a complete fool to every do this to me again and i also know i have the strength to go it alone if i needed to (but thats not what i want)

I think he would like to all to just go back to how it was (minus the affair) - they were very good friends for a long time. How do i get him to realise that this just cannot happen (i dont feel comfortable with it and she i am sure will want to get some sort of revenge - she left her husband and 2 children for him). This woman is no fool and i am sure she will make a pass at him just because she can. He says he is worried that she will make something up and let me find out (is this just him covering his back? i ask in my more paranoid moments).

I so want ot move forwrd and not spoil what we have now but it is like have a time limit on it.

I have come to learn a lot about myself and what is really important in life. I have had some fantastic times over the past few weeks as has he. It is a sheer joy to watch him enjoying the old things again - like the childrens laughter.

I know he is worried about returning to work too but it is something we will all have to cope with.

Thanks again to you all

Message withdrawn

I'm glad things seem to be getting better for you.
I agree with Dior, a new job would be non-negotiable if 'the other woman' was still working there.
Best wishes for the future.

Poor you, you have been through hell .

If I were in your position I think I would insist that he change jobs and not communicate with this woman again. He MUST wake up and realise that things will never, ever be the same again. The old life is gone. He broke it. He needs to get past that and start thinking in terms of the new life you can build.

I think you should do some very plain speaking about this.

You are right he has suggested getting another job but to put it bluntly he would not earn the amount he does now (and i mean nowhere) there is also the problem that the field he is in is quite small and all the firms are in a small area so i would still have the same fears.
I would like her to leave personally and yet i already feel bad that she has lost so much. It has been fairly well covered up at work and i am sure i could destroy her reputation if i so wished i certainly know enough of the details to make her look very small indeed. i am struggling with keeping my dignity about it all and having a good yarn to tell the grandchildren when i am older!!
I think the office would talk about it rather than the latest in eastenders if you know what i mean!!

They are both quite high profile people and i am not sure how well she would ride the shame. although she has done enough to show she has little or no shame anyway. it makes me feel powerful just thinking about it though.

It is the not knowing it that makes it harder. and not knowing how she will react. i have seriously thought about talking to her but again what good will that do?

So i have about 2 months of married bliss and then we shall see. but any suggestions as how i can prepare myself for this and what you would do are very welcome.

I have never confronted her about it as i did not feel strong enough at the time and now is it worth me wasting anymore effort on such a sad person anyway?

Were you Wilful Wife at one stage ??

Don't bother talking to her, she doesn't care about you and your family, she only has her own interests at heart.

make your husband get another job.

No I have only ever used this name and it seems a bit stupid to change it now!!

I have been very willful at times though

I am sorry you are so hurt, thought you were someone I was aware of on here a long time ago.

Take care.

LGJ

He loves his job i love him having his job they have been fantastic thoughout all this and i think really if push came to shove they would get rid of her before him.
If i could have a magic wand i would want her to get another job and then contact me and say how sorry she was to have caused all this pain. I cant really hate her she only wanted what i have got!!!!

Am i living in cloud cuckoo land or is it the fever making me go mad?

Also forgot to say he has a very very long notice period. He is good at his job and would have no trouble getting another one i am sure but not at this sort of earning level and with 4 kids to support it is easier with more money!!! not to sound so mean about it = now if we won the lottery!!!!

I wouldn't talk to the other woman....it sounds like it was a very serious relationship between them at the time. It sounds like it didn't work out because your dh didn't follow through. I am sure that genuine feelings were involved on both sides (especially since they both took steps to be together). This other woman is no doubt now living through her own personal hell, as are you and your DH though perhaps to a lesser extent as you have found your way back to each other again. I don't think there's anything to gain by talking with her now. You sound like you are in such a strong place and you shouldn't give that up without a fight - talking to her might make you seem insecure and question yourself all over again. I am not condoning any of this and you are for sure compltely blameless - but if you have reached the stage of (uneasy) forgiveness then perhaps it is time to let go of wanting to talk to her and focus on yourself first and foremost, your children and your marriage. Try not to worry, people might not be perfect but that doesn't mean we can't love them perfectly and it does sound like your DH sincerely wants to make amends and really does love you.

thanyou
You are so right it is just that if he has to work with her which he will at some point i want to show her and other work collegues that i am stronger.
Am i just being so niave to think that she will have some empathy for me. i know she is going through her own hell and i think it must be worse because she brought it all on herself - the only person she can really lash out is hubby (and we all know how niave they can be at times) he really does believe that he will be able to walk back into work and for it to be forgotten by her!! But i know he is nervous too. i dont want to be the suspicious wife who checks up on him all the time but he says he understands that i will at first. any idea how long this phasse is likely to last?

Message withdrawn

I just don't see how you can move on with her still being around. I know it's easier with the money thing but surely your marriage is worth more than that. Imo it would have to be new job for him i'm afraid. As for her no i don't think she will feel sorry for you only for herself.

He needs to change job.

I think 'the phase' will last for as long as he is spending time with her.

I think you are doing an awful lot of thinking about 'her' and what she thinks, and what she might do, and what you might say to her, and what you might be able to do to make her life awkward.......It's really not healthy for you and it is stopping you truly moving on.

Sod the money, you have clawed back your marriage, don't let it be jeapordised again for some money. It's truly not worth it.

You and your dh need a clean break. Don't worry about whether it SHOULD be her who leaves, just concentrate on you and your dh and finding something new and fresh for him where you can both relax while he's at work!

or, you could be the perfect wife and pop into the office with his lunch everyday, smile sweetly, take the morning papers etc... niceness itself, show her strong you are. If she then approaches you brush her aside nicely, and just say we have moved on.

Thanks again
The changing of mobile number is not an issue as his number would have to be known. She is not some silly airhead either she is a professional woman who is highly thought of in their industry.
I am spemding too much time thinking about what she will do which i know is not at all healthy - there just doesnt seem to be any closure to it. i feel she has got off lightly in some ways i know i could have made things a lot worse.
As i said she is not stupid and i am hoping that she will not want to work for him anymore anyway.
I think as the deadline is fast approaching it is getting worse. we have had such a lovely time together and really re-connected again, and i do believe he has now got what he really wants.
i really am not pepared to ask him to leave his job for me - but he has said that if i cant handle it he will.
The thing is if it goes tits up again becasue i cant trust him i too would be better off if he stayed in his well paid job. That makes me sound like some kind of gold digger but really for the amount he earns we dont live in huge house and have never really lived beyond our means. So i would be well looked after finacially at least and not be forced to sell our home.
But i still welcome all your comments - the jury so far is that he should leave i am reading.

show him this blog thingy, show him that this has wrecked your confidence, show him that these thoughts and opinions are shared by other reasonable women, and he must find another job, he must.

you just HAVE to trust him and let him make his own decisions... if it isn't her, you will be worried about the next work colleague or somebody oin the bus..

He is an adult and messed up. You have worked hard with him and now seem to be in a place where it is all happy.
you have to leave it at that and let him be an adult and choose what he needs.

If you go down the jealous and checking up and worried route in fromt of him, he WILL fall out of love with you again.

I know, this happened to me- no kids tho'
I ate me apart and i destroyed him too. it was not pretty, the best thing i learnt was that he have to let him go back out into the big wide world and come back to you...if you put rules adn regulations on his life, he will rebel- it is only human.

HTH and good luck

Hurtwife - I know exactly how you feel, as I am in pretty much the same position - or, maybe a bit further on down the line.
Dh met a woman while on a work course, from a different office, and it was several months before their relatinship came to light. I told him he had to decide who he wanted to be with, which he found almost impossible. He chose to stay, but eventually it became apparent that he wasn't really committed to being with us, and cutting contact with her. It was all very messy for a while and in retrospect rather bizarre, but it culminated in me telling him to move out for a while to give us all some space.

My theory was that he would have to actively choose to come back to us rather than go to her. Which is what happened, and I decided I needed to at least try to make it work for the sake of our dc.
Since then, it has been hard to relax and trust him, especially as the nature of his job means that the hours are irregular. But I have come to rely on the connection that we have now begun to redevelop, which wasn't there during the first time we tried to sort things. I can feel that he is committed to being with us, and he does try his best to reassure me - ringing me to keep me posted when he will be late etc.
I did do the checking his mobile texts etc for a while, but no longer feel that need. Just as I no longer sit staring at her phone no wondering whether to ring it and really let rip. And incidentally am glad that I never gave in to the temptation.

There are 3 main points that I focus on if I have a 'wobbly' day (getting more rare now):

• He chose to come back to us (as did your dh) even though he was free to choose her if he wanted.
• There is no way I can monitor everything he does, so I will have to trust that he will not see her again. If he does go back to her after all this, then I know for sure I am wasting my time, and will be able to move on knowing I am doing the right thing.
• She can only hurt me now if I let her. My focus is on our relationship, and feel that she is irrelevant to that now.

Sorry this has got so long, but I wanted you to know that you are not the only one to think these things.
Good luck with it all.

Thanks Bamzooki

Wise words from everyone - he has chosen to stay we have a fantastic life that we built together 4 fab kids everything anyone of us really wants.

Our friends have been so supportive to us and i know they will think him a complete fool if he does leave again.

Bamzooki - or indeed anyone - why do they say they are going to stay and then dither about again? is it all part of the letting go process?

I-think-he-needs-to-leave-his-job-too-despite-all-the-practical-difficulties-this-may-cause.--To-me-it-seems-to-be-something-thathas-to-happen-in-order-for-you-both-move-on.