update from hurtwife

[hurtwife]

A big thankyou firstly to everyone who helped me through my very dark days - starting back at the end of october.
A quick reminder for those who cant remember - Found out H having long term affair with woman at work very serious and intense. He left me with 4c and rented place of his own. He was still very confused and i was devestated. He wanted to make a go of it - we tried his heart wasnt in it he finally left 1st jan!!
His heart wasnt in leaving either and i had started to move on - well you have to with kids to think of. i was moving to a new house and all be it very slowly getting some sort of life again. He basically had a breakdown and couldnt cope with anything, at first i felt very sorry for him and let him see the children as often as he wanted although he was not able to really look after them properly.

He then wanted to get our old life back again and was willing to get help and really take some time to do it properly. He went to see his Gp who said he should not go back to work for at least 2 months and in fact his work have been fantastic in telling him to fully recover and take 6 months off!!!

He is due to go back in June.

We have had a wonderful time together and i think we can really make things work out again. it is hard and i have a daily battle to think positive thoughts but it is getting easier.

I have read some other threads from time to time which have given me the strengh to carry on and i would especially like to thank maturer she seems so spot on with all her wise words.

I have the time to write now as i am tucked up in bed very poorly with tonsilitis - hurts like hell but i am soooo bored!!

The only advice i would like would be how to get the nasty thoughts about the ow out of my head - would i really feel better if i just went and confronted her. I have phoned her but despite me being civil i know she is nothing more than a common liar as i asked her to respect me and let me know if he went back to her (which she didnt) so i cant trust her one inch.

The other problem is when he returns to work that i will worry like mad - i know he would be a complete fool to every do this to me again and i also know i have the strength to go it alone if i needed to (but thats not what i want)

I think he would like to all to just go back to how it was (minus the affair) - they were very good friends for a long time. How do i get him to realise that this just cannot happen (i dont feel comfortable with it and she i am sure will want to get some sort of revenge - she left her husband and 2 children for him). This woman is no fool and i am sure she will make a pass at him just because she can. He says he is worried that she will make something up and let me find out (is this just him covering his back? i ask in my more paranoid moments).

I so want ot move forwrd and not spoil what we have now but it is like have a time limit on it.

I have come to learn a lot about myself and what is really important in life. I have had some fantastic times over the past few weeks as has he. It is a sheer joy to watch him enjoying the old things again - like the childrens laughter.

I know he is worried about returning to work too but it is something we will all have to cope with.

Thanks again to you all

Hurtwife- really good to hear from you
( and thankyou- it's good to know sharing my experince helped a little)

We too are doing well and have become closer overall from the whole experience. I have learned a lot about myself too and my dh - like yours is now appreciating more the simple things of family life , that he now sees he almost threw away, as he says "for so little"

I completley understand your worries about dh going back to work and she being around. I also understand how forcing him to get another job is not solving the problem and yes you do have to think of the financial, practical side ( I felt very vulnerable when we went threw the time of my dh affair and have since made some practical financial changes as a safeguard for me and the kids for the future- I'm angry I now feel that way but I can live with it)

I did go and see her- but my situation was different in that she was leaving his work place and at the time I believe my intervention was instrumental in bringing them all to their senses! Your dh has got there now- remeber he now has the benefit of hindsight- he knows just how much pain he caused and can cause by any association with her. It will not be easy but if he keeps you informed eg was working with her today- how he feels- how he feels different from then etc....you ca get over the fear.

Although my dh doesn't work with her now, he's recently changed jobs and now has complete freedom over where he goes in the day etc and isn't accountable for his time to anyone- so i HAVE to trust- I know he now could see her any time he wants if he so desired and i'd never know. However I truely believe he too has learned so much from what happened and now his crisis is over he cringes at the thought of contact with her- I see the fear in his eyes when I ever question or probe to see if she's anywhere around he wants to leave the past in the past and NEVER see her again.

I still have wobbly days- 3 years on-but i've learned to tell him (he's getting raelly good at spotting them any way and usually confronts the issue himself)

Keep talking, keep making time for each other and celebrating your wonderful family, they do give you in moments of doubt the answer to your qiestions of why you are trying to move forward.

I still have to reist the urge every so often to phone her up and "abuse" her- but so far all way through I kept civil and did not sink to their level- I know she wanted what I have and I have it better now so she's not getting it no way and the best thing is he can now finally see just how shallow their "relationship" was (despite his belief at the time that he loved her) he now can't believe just how naive he was and is fully aware of the power of "sex" and flattering word from the opposite sex. Your dh has been there too he'll probably be the same.

Keep the faith! believe yourselves- at the end of the day you cannot (nor should you want to) control your dh's behaviour- he now has to earn your trust agin to thank you for being there for him- I bet he wouldn't swap you for her now if he were paid!!!!

Take care honey- good to haer you are doing so well.

Hurtwife -I have no wise worsds re your husband but had tonsils out lastyear after 30 years of suffering - the best thing for tonsilitus is gargle with Hydorgen Peroxide solution - it will oxcidise the bacteria so you will have to spit out some really yucky stuff but believe me you will be free of it by tomorrow.

I think you are handling it all so well. I don't think I could. If it was me I would be onto her bosses and letting them know what heartache she has caused to 2 families and try my hardest to put pressure on them to get her to leave.

He is effectively her boss!! but at the moment whilst he is taking time out to re-connect and find himself again she is running the show - so i have another fear that the balance of power will have changed slightly. I still inwardly smile when i do think of the damage i could cause though - but that is just wicked and should be kept in the soaps i think!!

Hurtwife - I'm not completely sure. In our case I believe dh felt (rightly or wrongly) that he had had to make a decision before he was ready, and had no idea if he had gone the right way. He chose what he knew was 'the right thing to do', but was till too wrapped up in the fantasy of another life with her (single, no kids, no responsibilities or ties) to be able to let go properly.
He was, at that stage, incapable of making a rational decision about it, and therefore had no confidence in his decision. Probably not helped by me saying 'If you go, you better be sure, because there will be no coming back - I'm not letting you mess the kids around like that', so I had made it very final.
For us it also dragged on for so long because it took me ages to reach a stage mentally where I was able to find the strength to force a reality check. If I had done that initially I have no idea what the outcome would have been.

He needs to get a new job. End of story.

And well done you, for getting through all that crap and coming out the other side with a family in tact.

My heart goes out to you and I admire your strength.

why not emigrate?

The loss in income might not feel so bad somewhere with lower cost of living and wrapped up in an adventure.

Metaphorical new start too.

Sending you a Big X.

Let him go back to work and see if the sh*t hits the fan. You'll soon know if something is up. You'll know if it was all worth it. Even if he gets another job he can still get in contact with Miss Pissy Pants if he wants to.

You've already said you can go it alone if you have to, so trust him to get back to work and get on with it. xxx A

hurtwife I totally admire your strength and commitment to getting your marriage back. I wish you all the best for the future with your husband.
I don't really have anything to base any advice on, but my gut feeling says the best thing is for him to get a new job. I don't even feel the issue is about him being tempted by her again. I just feel that you will both never truly move forward if his awful error of judgement is staring him in the face every day.
Like sunnysideup says - your renewed marriage is worth more than his high earnings
Good luck x

Hurtwife i really admire you for trying to move on and get on as best you can with this. However speaking from experience when he goes back to work for me it was like finding out all over again. I couldn't rest all day and was constantly texting him asking where he / she was etc. It was a complete nightmare and just added extra stress to an already fragile relationship. In the end he had to leave. He had no job but i didn't care our relationship was worth more than that. He now got his own business and things much better. I know i couldn't have 'hoped' for everything to be fine. My feelings had to come first! Good Luck x

I am glad that you have found some peace at last

If the work situation cannot change, then I am pretty sure that one or the other will leave naturally to be honest. It will sort itself out in the end and if your DH is absolutely convinced that your marraige is worth it (sounds like he is), I would say that she will end up leaving. Unfortunately it's usually the woman in these situations who leaves as like us, we need to analyse. Men can be very cruel to women they don't need anymore.

Thanks again everyone

SHR I am not sure she wore pants!!! She liked to think she wore the trousers though!!!!

I know i have a good life here now whatever and i am making loads of new friends who dont have to know all the nitty gritty bits. The kids are all happy in their schools and the sun has been shinning what more could i ask for?

As for emigrating - lovely idea but i think the kids would find it too hard and now that we are settled we shall just wait and see.

I would like her to leave (or walk in front of a bus!!) but that just makes me mean spirited
She is going to have to live with this for a long time too. I know i could not have done what she has.

PP -! twas a play on words (you're poorly go back to bed!).