Children don't want to go to Father's anymore/potential abuse

[Pinkvoid]

I'll try to keep it as brief as possible without leaving out anything important.

So exh and I divorced two years ago. He moved out and in with a woman he'd just met a fortnight before and her two young children. Our DC (7, 6 and 4) stay with them Saturday evening-Sunday evening so 24 hours a week.

For quite some time now my DC have been complaining that they don't want to go anymore. I have asked them why countless times and mostly they've told me they don't like exH's partner's nine year old son because he bullies them (something they've been telling me basically ever since they started going there.) The bullying ranges from physical attacks such as hitting, kicking, wrestling and elbowing through to telling them horrible things recently such as "I hate your mummy and I'm going to kill her." . My DC aren't known to lie fwiw so I completely believe them. My exh has been informed plenty of times by myself and our DC but still it continues.

On top of this all five children are crammed into one small bedroom, my girls sleep on the floor on blankets and DS shares a bed with her nine year old son who he doesn't even get along with. The DC tell me the house is cold, messy and smells. They regularly return home hungry and when I feed them they wolf it down as though they're starving. When I ask what they've eaten, it's minimal.

But worse than that, today they have informed me exh and his partner smack them regularly and hard. They said his partner has also been saying vile things to my DC such as if they misbehave they won't see daddy again, she's going to shave my daughters hair off and she's going to tie them all up and cellotape their mouths.

I am obviously absolutely shocked and appalled by this and can't believe all the time they've been begging me not to go, this is likely the real reason why . I don't believe in smacking but regardless, it isn't her place to lay a finger on my children let alone say the disgusting things she has.

I feel as though its abuse and they're certainly suffering bullying in the least by both her and her son. They don't want to go anymore and it's my place as a mother to protect them so don't want to send them. What do I do though? I feel as though if I stop contact he may pursue court action and what would realistically happen there?

It's worth mentioning he doesn't really have the money for courts and I couldn't honestly see him bothering, he's been fairly lax since he left... He's never arsed to do anything with the children, he's honestly never taken them anywhere since he left. By the sounds of it they're largely left to their own devices in the house for the time they're there or shoved in front of a TV in the bedroom...

I would go and see a solicitor ASAP to find out your legal options. You might need to go to court to have contact reduced to being at a contact centre, for example.

They don't go anymore, what else would we say?
They don't have room for the children and they mistreat them.
If it's true she smacks them I'd go to the police.
Protect your kids urgently.

Are you crazy. Stop contact asap. You never expose your children to that. The poor little things. If the farther wants to see them tell him your house supervised!

This sounds hard for you all

Suggest you may get more informed legal advice if you start a thread in Legal.
It's in 'other stuff'

You'll get more traffic here, but to the point legal advice from some great lawyers in Legal

Best wishes

I would also make a police complaint so it's on file. You need to protect your dc.
Sounds like hers is already messed up.

I am going to call him tomorrow morning and tell him everything the DC have told me this morning. Obviously if I knew even the half of it, I would have stopped them going a long time ago. I just always felt stuck between a rock and hard place because he is their father and I obviously don't want my DC being dragged through a court process. I've always tried to keep it as civil as possible. All they've really mentioned until now is her DS' behaviour and the housing conditions. I'm obviously absolutely fuming that they're being hit and she's saying such vile things to them, that's a million steps too far.

He will likely deny everything. Believe your kids over him and she is abusing them with the hitting and threats, child abuse is a crime remember.

your giving him warning of your intentions..

I would seek the advise from a Lawyer first.. before he can speak/manipulate what your children say....

trust your instincts Mum x

Do not speak to him until after you have spoken to solicitor. He may try to manipulate your kids.

I think you may also want to inform social services. Not only for your children, but also hers.

Def ring Ss.

And don't send them back unless a judge orders you to.
You fail them if you do. .

Wow I bet you felt sick to your stomach hearing that and felt like swinging for her please don't send them back there. Absolutely vile

DO NOT send them back unless your forced by the courts but I very much doubt that will happen.

And like above inform the police and ss so it's on file incase he takes it to court.

I would seek legal advice in the first instance. Do this first and do not contact him again before you have done so. One reason I suggest this is to protect your children who may suffer further if he does not want contact to be cut.

Someone like gingerbread, the charity for single-parent families, might be able to point you in the direction of appropriate legal advice.

Could you find a psychologist or someone of that ilk who could get talk to your children and get them to explain all this? I'm afraid I'm not in the UK but it would be good, if possible to get an independent third party on your side.

That sounds awful. I would call police in first instance as it sounds like assault, then SS and def not send back.
You never know she might have previous for something similar.
Sorry you're going through this xxx

I'm a family solicitor.

I would suggest you contact social services. Go through your concerns. They will involve police if they think fit.

And yes stop sending your kids there. Poor buggers.

Could you offer an alternative arrangement, so that the dcs don't stay over, but he can see them eg. in a local park for a few hours a week? He might not bother, but it's potentially a halfway house between no contact and the current arrangement.

Well I have spoken to him because I've always liked to communicate in as civil a manner as possible with him without resorting to third parties for the sake of the children.

He said he wasn't aware his partner had ever laid a finger on them or said any of the nasty things she has. I can believe that because my own stepfather growing up did similar, he always waited until my DM was out of earshot. But now he's aware of it, it's up to him to act on it.

I've basically told him he needs to make a choice between her and his children. I haven't said it to be harsh or vindictive, obviously if she were a kind woman and they were happy going there all would be fine. But I don't think the two are compatible and he needs to make a decision. I've made it clear they're not going to his house anymore, not while her and her son are there. He didn't fight or argue against that at all as I'd expected him to.

He said he's going to call the DC later and I do always listen in so he won't say anything to try and manipulate them because I'll step in.

I'm hoping this can be resolved without third parties but I'm not sure. I know for sure it's my duty now I'm aware of what's happening to keep them safe and I definitely won't send them there.

You really really need to make this official with SS and the police. You will almost definitely need official statements in the future to protect your kids. Don't wait til it's too late and you are forced to make them go back because you didn't do this now.

Pinkvoid may I urge you in the strongest possible way to follow the advice of Mrs Bert Bibby.
She is a lawyer, gives wise advice, and has experience in this sort of area.

If ex and ex'sp are not trustworthy to look after and protect your DC, which you have said, it is completely unrealistic to think you can sort this out soley with them - because they are not trustworthy.

Yes, remaining as civilised as possible with coparenting ex is important. Yes, not dragging in third parties unnecessarily is a really good idea.
BUT protecting your DC from untrustworthy people TRUMPS ALL OF THAT.

Please listen to MrsBertBibby. Ask her more if you're unsure why she's giving that advice.

And their father is responsible for never taking them out anywhere or doing anything with them.

And presumably knows that the house is cold and dirty and his children are hungry.

Given the gravity of the allegations your children have made, I feel as if you have a duty to involve an authority, in part on the grounds that your ex's partner has children who need protecting as much as your own children do.