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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Children don't want to go to Father's anymore/potential abuse

33 replies

Pinkvoid · 16/07/2017 23:13

I'll try to keep it as brief as possible without leaving out anything important.

So exh and I divorced two years ago. He moved out and in with a woman he'd just met a fortnight before and her two young children. Our DC (7, 6 and 4) stay with them Saturday evening-Sunday evening so 24 hours a week.

For quite some time now my DC have been complaining that they don't want to go anymore. I have asked them why countless times and mostly they've told me they don't like exH's partner's nine year old son because he bullies them (something they've been telling me basically ever since they started going there.) The bullying ranges from physical attacks such as hitting, kicking, wrestling and elbowing through to telling them horrible things recently such as "I hate your mummy and I'm going to kill her." Hmm. My DC aren't known to lie fwiw so I completely believe them. My exh has been informed plenty of times by myself and our DC but still it continues.

On top of this all five children are crammed into one small bedroom, my girls sleep on the floor on blankets and DS shares a bed with her nine year old son who he doesn't even get along with. The DC tell me the house is cold, messy and smells. They regularly return home hungry and when I feed them they wolf it down as though they're starving. When I ask what they've eaten, it's minimal.

But worse than that, today they have informed me exh and his partner smack them regularly and hard. They said his partner has also been saying vile things to my DC such as if they misbehave they won't see daddy again, she's going to shave my daughters hair off and she's going to tie them all up and cellotape their mouths.

I am obviously absolutely shocked and appalled by this and can't believe all the time they've been begging me not to go, this is likely the real reason why Sad. I don't believe in smacking but regardless, it isn't her place to lay a finger on my children let alone say the disgusting things she has.

I feel as though its abuse and they're certainly suffering bullying in the least by both her and her son. They don't want to go anymore and it's my place as a mother to protect them so don't want to send them. What do I do though? I feel as though if I stop contact he may pursue court action and what would realistically happen there?

It's worth mentioning he doesn't really have the money for courts and I couldn't honestly see him bothering, he's been fairly lax since he left... He's never arsed to do anything with the children, he's honestly never taken them anywhere since he left. By the sounds of it they're largely left to their own devices in the house for the time they're there or shoved in front of a TV in the bedroom...

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 17/07/2017 13:40

Yes,this ^^ too.

weatherbomb · 17/07/2017 13:48

Please,Please please take the advice of pp especially mrsbibby. There's nothing to stop him making a malicious allegation towards you & potentially taking your DC until it's 'investigated'. I don't say this to scare you but having been there, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. There's nothing more important than the safety if your D.C. Please report it now! You will get plenty of support.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2017 14:00

Please involve SS.
Your DC may well need some counselling.
SS can help you with this and protection of your DC.
You may regret not involving them once he has a chat with the OW and they get a plan together to make YOU look like YOU are lying etc....
It's to protect yourself as well.
Do it today!

Justhadmyhaircut · 17/07/2017 14:02

He isn't going to dump his gf just because you told him to. . She will deny everything and he will believe her. . His brain is in his pants remember. .
Report to proper authorities or you are letting the dc down. . They get enough of that from df.

Lostbeyondwords · 17/07/2017 14:17

Wtaf...OP, your poor dc. Well done believing them and also saying they won't be going there when gf or dc are there.

As pp have said, I'd also tell social services tbf, and have it on record. For example, if she ends up being there all the time and so you never send dc to their dad but it's not "official" as such, you may open yourself up to problems (if he's bothered). Or what if they are there and she turns up without you knowing?

If ss know they can assess and advise and be aware, if dad doesn't keep them safe they can back you for keeping dc away.
Flowers

Shiftymake · 17/07/2017 14:28

Please contact ss at a minimum regarding this. Read the above statements, abuse in all forms is not something to ignore which you are not doing, happy to see that, but this needs to be addressed correctly to protect your children.

mamakena · 17/07/2017 16:52

Just make sure you communicate clearly in writing

"As we discussed on phone, janey and bobby have repeatedly complained that you and gf are not feeding them, they are bullied and punched by your gf and her son, and are cold and uncomfortable being 5 kids crammed into 1 room. They say they no longer want to visit you."

Then just stop sending them there. I bet he won't even bother and he's relieved.

lieka · 17/07/2017 17:02

They'll just get nastier and more insidious. If you really, truly believe this stuff, don't rely on them being nicer - call social services.

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