I think I should be alone forever

[Hopelessatthis]

Namechanged, but I'm a regular poster. I apologise in advance for the woe is me crap that is about to follow and say in advance that I am grateful for any replies at all.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm just not made for any kind of relationships. I just don't fit in anywhere at all. I think I'm too sensitive and anxious and I get it wrong all the time. If it wasn't for DC, I think I'd find it hard to work out why I'm even here.

I don't really have any friends because I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. At work, I'm seen as a good hard worker and I'm successful, but people don't really like me. I'm just always on the periphery. I think I'm a nice person, but maybe I'm not.

I separated from ex-h a couple of years ago, that didn't go well, he was selfish and almost emotionally abusive. Even yesterday he sent me a text that told me to 'drop the fucking attitude' because I disagreed with something. I just disagreed, I could certainly didn't shout or swear or anything.

I have a new partner, but now I'm not so sure that's going well. He is separated too (over 2 years) but not yet divorced. We have talked about moving forward but he hasn't yet gone ahead with the divorce for fear it will impact on his access to his children. I'm finding this upsetting as I don't see how we can move forward in that context. So today we argued and he left.

So in all of that, I'm the common denominator, so it's me that is the issue. Perhaps I need to recognise that and just be alone. Just concentrate on bringing the DC up and that's it.

I don't know why I'm posting really, I just wanted to get it all out.

Why is it important that he divorces? I'm still married and so is my partner, we've been together for a while now, we know we're in it for the long haul, but divorcing isn't really that important at the moment.
You've been through a lot, spend some time getting to know and love yourself.

Your self esteem sounds like it's on the floor. You seem to be doubting everything apart from your purpose as a parent.

The biggest gift I gave myself was taking 4 years out and being single. Just focussing on me, my job and my kid.

I took up swimming and Pilates and took care of myself. It sounds like you are defining yourself by the success or demise of your relationships. This isn't how you define yourself.

Take some time out is my advice, take time just to be you without any dysfunctional relationships. M

Yes, it feels like everything has been pretty hard and it feel like I just keep getting knocked down. There have been various things this last year but include a bereavement and being ill myself.

I work really hard at work and can be very focussed because I need to do well to make sure I have enough money for me and DC. I think this sometimes makes me unlikeable because I probably come across as not one of the crowd.

I'm an lp and feel like you. I'm not the best at any relationships. I'm not fully to blame I think as my parents/family are similar.

I have a new fella following divorce. We're just doing fun things rather than trying to mould families, which definitely suits me. I don't think I'm nice enough to live with so why push things? I get grumpy and stressy and irritable with everyday life and can see me getting into a rut if we started living together. But I'm enjoying days out, meals and the romantic side with him, just once a fortnight instead of all the time

I sympathise and you are by no means hopeless! You sound like you are trying to hold it all together...
This is a bit garbled sorry as I'm rushing.
I had a similar message from EXH a couple of weeks ago about my "stinking attitude".. We split last year and he moved out (finally) in May. I feel for a lot of posters who are still having to live with EX as it's bloody hard work. I started seeing someone in March - not on my agenda - wanted to be single for a long time with my 2DC.
I am not divorced yet. Believe me I wish I could start the process. But the impact of taking on the house has left me financially ruined until January. So finding the £550 to be rid of ex is constantly at the forefront of my mind. New guy is really keen for me to get divorced so I'm feeling double pressure. Ex and I have zero money to argue over - but it's finding the money and me (as I have always done with him) sorting it the divorce.

Hopefully you are just having a down weekend. The only advice I can give is to take each day a step at a time. And we don't need anyone to make us feel complete. That's been the hardest lesson for me as recently as this week. I can do this stuff on my own. for you.

I did have counselling for several months and felt better for a little while. It is interesting that mentioned the parental role modelling, that was one of the issues discussed. My mum is critical and controlling. She just cuts people off if they do something she perceives as 'wrong' and always has done.

When there is conflict in a relationship for me, I panic and think the person will go forever. So I overaccomodate, hence my bad marriage in which I got through by minimising my needs.

I thought that my new relationship was a huge improvement, but I've tried to not repeat old patterns, yet i feel like I'm getting it all wrong.

I cannot believe an adult would reach your conclusion and give up relationships altogether unless they had something in their past, such as poor parental role models and/or bullying, leading you to conclude you're not up to it.

I've ditched relationships altogether (also childfree by choice).

I came to realise that I'm strongest & happiest when I'm single, so as far as I'm concerned it's a positive & life-affirming choice. I'm not saying I'll never fall for anyone again, I am saying that she would have to be pretty phenomenal.

I am lucky enough to have a great family & incredible friends though. But nowadays I have a lot more time & emotional energy to put into those relationships.

Oh op, you sound so beaten down
As others have said forget relationships for now as it is easy to compromise and lose yourself on another person.(been there, done that etc).
Concentrate on just yourself and your dc, you are obviously a wonderful mother raising them so be proud of yourself for showing them a strong capable mum.
I understand what you mean about being on the outside looking in and I have trained myself jot to give a shit of what others think of me, do your job and leave it there, dont even give co-workers any headspace.
Start doing things just for you, any hobby that you used to do, start again. You are a strong woman, love youself for that! Xx

Achoopicchu - I wonder if I'm worried about the same thing as you with the getting stuck in a rut again. I know I'm blowing hot and cold.

IronNeonClasp- that's my fear, that I'm putting pressure on DP to divorce, but at the same time I'm trying not to minimise my true feelings. I wish I could be all laid back about it.

Thank you for the further replies, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because I thought no one would reply and you've all been so lovely to me.

Hopeless - but by saying you think you may be putting on the pressure shows a committal element which is very lovely on your behalf.. That you are willing to make a go of it. It's a week today since I had this conversation with new guy and it's left me feeling raw. Where I thought we had a good thing and where I was trying to get a feel for the water - how he feels it kind of backfired and I feel everything's on me so I've completely backed off this week...

I split from my h very recently and have made a conscious decision to give men a wide berth. After 20 years of putting others first it is now liberating to be just me and dc, we can do what we want, when we want etc. When h has dc I focus completely on what I want, its still early stages and this week I did spent one morning in floods of tears but its ok to be sad, angry or anxious from time to time. Life can be shit but it can also be amazing and fulfilling and you sound capable enough to make a great life for YOURSELF and your dc. Xx

I do want to make a commitment to him, and he has said he wants to to me too. We have talked a lot about our future.

I honestly do not want to get in the way of any of his contact with his DC. I just feel upset with the idea of waiting until his ex is happy and accommodating. It could be forever.

Thank you ruddygreattiger, you sound very strong and you're right that it can be a very up and down experience sometimes. In some ways I'm absolutely exhausted after getting through the last couple of years and I wish life would quieten down for a bit.

Try not to focus on that OP. He's with you because he wants to be. I totally get why he doesn't want to rock the boat and it sounds like you do too. At the end of the day it's an admin thing that needs sorting and one day it will be. Just enjoy your relationship for what it is. This man likes you and likes spending time with you. That's good 😊

Now, disclaimer, I have been single for the best part of a decade give or take the odd doomed fling! but none of them were abusive like my x and they were all fun at least to begin with! Reading your posts you do sound so hard on yourself. I could say the same, I'm not as popular as i believe I should be given how nice I am! but unlike you I feel I deserve it all. Love, happiness, a job that I like

I think you should do something self-indulgent. I can't think what. I was sacked a while ago and it was very traumatic but in a way it's been good because I have been doing a lot of thinking about how the rejection I have felt and how I've allowed it to make me feel shit, well it's so circular, it's the same society that won't employ me making me feel so bad about being unemployed. Ludicrous. Society can't judge me for being unemployed if it won't employ me. This realisation has helped me be more self-indulgent. I have read a lot, non-fiction for the first time ever, made jewellery, made sculptures.. I went on a date with a man who told me ''well that's a bit pointless'' so he got no second date.

Sorry my post all about me, me, me. I mean to say that I think it's good to step off the conveyor belt. We're all so pressured in to being conventional. You don't have to be in a relationship and I think it's easier to find your groove when you're single.

I'm wondering whether I should call him and say let's talk. I really don't want to lose him, because I love him. Everything has just got so on top of me.

Perhaps I should do something just for me. I have no idea what. I just need a break.

Maybe give him a ring and explain exactly how you are feeling and tell him you need some time/ space on your own to figure out what you want. If he loves you he will understand.
How about taking a couple of days off work (dc can go to your ex) and treat yourself to a spa day or a day out shopping/cinema etc? Or even just park yourself on the sofa with some crap tv, order a takeaway and veg out.
You need time to stop thinking and churning everything over in your head, have you tried meditation, yoga or even going for really long walks to clear your mind. When I get overwhelmed I force myself to do some of the above (apart from spa days or shopping sprees as I am totally skint!)

I've called him, he says he does get it and will do whatever it takes. Maybe I have made better choices.

I'm still feeling quite insecure and overwhelmed though.

I do like the idea of a spa day, but won't it be weird to go on my own?

Its good you laid your cards on the table and he understands, take it slowly.

If you fancy a spa day thats great! If you have no-one to go with I would definately go on my own, have a facial, mani/pedi, lovely long massage etc -absolute bliss

Lately I keep reminding myself of the quote 'feel the fear, and do it anyway'.

This is YOUR time op xx

Thank you Tiger and everyone else on this thread. You're lovely people for taking the time to reply to me and support me. You've given me that little bit more hope than I had when I posted x

Feel the fear & do it anyway is a great quote.

At some point I decided that whenever I caught myself thinking "I can't do that" I needed to change it to "What's stopping me doing that?"