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Original poster

Really like him but he's had a vasectomy

29 replies

Lipsy21 · 15/07/2017 21:33

I'm 30, 31 in a few months. I don't have kids but love mumsnet relationship forum(sad I knowGrin).
Got out of a very bad relationship, possibly sociopathic, this year.
Met someone unexpectedly, who is 34, fancy the pants off him. He is such a nice guy. He was married before, has kids and he decided to get a vasectomy a few years ago as he thought he was settled for life. His ex wife cheated on him over a long period and now lives with the guy. Shock

I told him I do want kids in the near future. He was very honest about the V and said he could have it reversed if we cross that bridge. I don't know what to do as we realy like each other. It's quite sad actually.

Anyone been in similar situation?

OP posts:
OhMyYears · 15/07/2017 21:35

He would need to get it reversed asap, as the longer you leave it the less effective a reversal is. But realistically, the only thing you can do is carry on seeing him to see whether your relationship has legs or not anyway.

demirose87 · 15/07/2017 21:43

There's always a chance reversal won't work and you won't want to look back and regret not having kids if you pursue a relationship with him. There's other ways of you having a baby and not being his biologically, if you were both open to that. The only other thing is deciding what your priority is, a baby or him. If you have your heart set on a baby I'd say you are better moving on before your feelings get stronger. On the other hand, he could be the one for you so it's a tough decision.

Hunted68 · 15/07/2017 21:47

Plenty more fish in the sea. I wouldn't take the risk

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 15/07/2017 21:47

@demirose87 you're so correct. I feel a bit torn. There are other therapies other than reversal which involve ivf etc. It's tough because I do like him a lot and we just get on so well. Confused

It would be good if anyone here has has success with vasectomy reversal

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 15/07/2017 21:54

You wouldn't qualify for IVF on the NHS because he has children and had a vasectomy so I would really consider things before committing to this relationship.

GoingSlightlyCrazy09 · 15/07/2017 22:02

Can you imagine yourself without children? Because that is a very real possibility with this guy. Attraction is all very well but you're not long term into this yet and it would be something that would be a dealbreaker for me. I think you need to think it all through very carefully.

user1500152228 · 15/07/2017 22:05

I came out of a bad relationship and met someone who was up front about not being able to have kids. It was a tough decision but for me personally I would rather be in a happy relationship.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 15/07/2017 22:10

This was my situation except my husband is 13 years older than me. Within a year of getting together he had the reversal and it was a long op as he had a lot of scar tissue. The surgeon basically said he thought it was unlikely if had worked due to the scar tissue. (It cost 3k) It took 4 months to get his sperm up to 9million per ml (Low) and we were told to have IVF, but almost a year to the day of the reversal I fell naturally, that one is in the cot and I am 28weeks with the second! Its easier to reverse the old Marie Stopes style vasectomies though. If he was done recently it can be harder. If you are in the south and want the name of a good surgeon PM me.
My point is there is SO much hope and you can even drag the sperm out their balls. I did make the decision though that if we couldn't have kids i wanted to be with him anyway, but I think we would have just kept going!

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 15/07/2017 22:11

His reversal was after 14 years btw.

pigeondujour · 15/07/2017 22:52

I would think a 34 year old who's had a vasectomy must have been quite clear in his head he never wanted more children. I'd fear being strung along.

demirose87 · 15/07/2017 22:54

There's options that don't involve IVF, using another man's sperm to inseminate if that's something you were willing to do,but I think that would really divide opinion. You need to really talk to him about your options if you see yourself being with him and you think he's worth it x

pilotswife · 15/07/2017 22:58

You have a lot of options and so what if they are not covered by the NHS, most places don't have an NHS. If you love him go for it. I'd be more forcussed on the issues involved in being a blended family.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/07/2017 23:02

I had DD via ICSI 27 years after DH's vasectomy. No NHS funding as DH already had DC.

Does your OH actually want more children?

Xmasbaby11 · 15/07/2017 23:07

My friend's now dp had had a vasectomy after having 3 dc. He had it reversed and they had 2dc without any problems or delay. I'm sure there was a bit of a gap as his marriage broke down when the kids were 10 plus.

KoolKoala07 · 15/07/2017 23:14

Not me but my friend. Her partner has 2 children. He's had a reversal.

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 16/07/2017 00:03

Thanks everyone. Some really great answers here. I have a lot of thinking to do Grin

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 16/07/2017 00:11

Does he want to have more children? Presumably at one point he was certain he didn't. As part of the vasectomy counselling they ask about what if you divorce and meet someone else.
If the reversal was unsuccessful would he agree to fertility treatments? Do you have money for this?
I wouldn't give up my opportunity to have children for a man you haven't known very long.

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 16/07/2017 00:24

@hopelesslydevotedtoGu he said now he would and would be willing for reversal.
He would be willing to do fertility treatments. I know we would have to do this privately.
You're right. But at the same time I think what if I never meet someone I have this type of connection with again and have so much in common. It's really sad

OP posts:
oldtrees · 16/07/2017 00:30

I think plenty of fish in the sea is bollocks tbh.

It's hard to find someone you really connect with.

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 16/07/2017 00:39

@oldtrees I completely agree

OP posts:
ChicRock · 16/07/2017 00:47

He hasn't given you a firm "yes I definitely want more children" has he? Just a vague "we'll cross that bridge if we come to it" Hmm

To have had the vasectomy he must have been fairly certain that even in the event of divorce, death, remarriage, etc, he wouldn't want any more children.

I'd suggest if you definitely do want children you either end this now and find someone on the same page as you.., or you fix a deadline in your mind that if he still dangling the carrot of crossing that bridge blah blah you'll end it.

Because this guy has the potential to waste your childbearing years away with empty promises.

calzone · 16/07/2017 00:52

Plenty more fish in the sea is bollocks.

Go for the great relationship and I really hope everything works out well for you.

user1486956786 · 16/07/2017 03:42

I agree with another poster. For him to do a V at only 34 does seem like he was very set to have no more children however his life changed and of course he has every right to change his mind on the matter too.

I think as long as he's genuinely 110% committed and wanting to having another baby with you, it will happen, whatever it takes.

Such hard discussion early on in a relationship but also don't panic at the age of 30. Plenty of women have kids in late 30's, you really do have years.

Hunted68 · 16/07/2017 09:34

There are plenty more fish in the sea. There are millions of them. You sometimes just need to look for them. But then I'm a bloke and don't fixate on "the one" quite as much as perhaps you ladies do! I like the concept of possibly one of many that could be potentially suitable. Maybe we just think completely differently.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 09:48

Talk again. Make sure before you go any further that he's definitely up for more children one day. Then you can decide on your future. If he is he can get a reversal. It does work I know. I wouldn't have my brother otherwise 😊