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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be annoyed ?

66 replies

Missing4u · 15/07/2017 18:49

My boyfriend has just returned from seeing his children, have absolutely no problem with this.
What he has only just mentioned is that he also spent the day with his ex and what a nice day thu have all had together.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed ? It's not a birthday , there is nothing they need to celebrate and it's only a fortnight since they were all at a family party that I wasn't invited too.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/07/2017 19:50

Yabu it meant the world to my kids to spend time with both of us and feel like a normal family. We still do it occasionally and they're older now and we've been divorced since 2010. It's for the children not his ex.

My kids have told me before they want time with their Dad, not his girlfriend. But when he moved in with her then of course they did meet her more as well.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 15/07/2017 19:51

I'm torn on this as I'm a bit of a hypocrite!

It does wind me up when DP spends time with his ex, but from my own point of view, I will happily spend time with my ex here, he stops for dinner sometimes and we are both still friendly with each other's families so family things can involve exes on both sides.

However, we are also all very involved with the DCs and have been from early on, so none of it is hidden. I will always get an invite to spend time with them, it's just often I'd rather not.

I would find it very odd not to have met the DCs after 3 years when they are such a huge part of his life, you can't really know him if you don't know his DCs.

I think you are wise to keep out of it, as it can be a bloody minefield once you get into all that, in which case you need to accept that this is as close as you get. If you want to be partners in the true sense you need to be invited (even if it means you hanging out with him and the ex - it's a bit awks at the best of times!!)

Good luck Smile

Original poster
Missing4u · 15/07/2017 19:51

Regularly though like a few times a month ?

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/07/2017 20:00

My kids see their dad once a week and miss him horribly.

They're lucky he's so involved in their lives. It must be difficult after 3 years to still not be involved even once a fortnight though.

Original poster
Missing4u · 15/07/2017 20:04

I meant were your days out and time together after the split as frequent as I'm describing.

I am not discrediting him and his ex - for the children it is wonderful but on the scale and times they do things I feel that it's a bit odd.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/07/2017 20:10

He lives 30 mins away now and we both work so it's not as much anymore. But if it were doable he'd come for bedtime once a week, as well as taking them off at weekends with and without me depending on the day/ circumstances.

Does he ever have them at his overnight?

Original poster
Missing4u · 15/07/2017 20:12

Yes every other weekend he has them.

Did either of you have partners when you were going off etc ?! Just interested in hearing other people's experiences.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/07/2017 20:21

My ex hasn't managed to be alone for long since divorce, so he's always had someone yes.

I was funny with the DCs meeting the OW he left me for, so slightly different situation but in the end I realised I couldn't say no forever.

Original poster
Missing4u · 15/07/2017 20:23

How long did your ex wait until he shared his children with his new partner etc

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/07/2017 20:29

I don't think you can compare because he cheated on me and left me. He didn't care about stuff like that. It was me who used to make sure he came over lots to see the kids as they loved it. Now he understands how much it means to the kids, but not in the early days iyswim?

ChickenBhuna · 15/07/2017 20:43

I wouldn't be concerned about the amicable relationship with the ex OP but I would want to know where your relationship is going. Three years should belong enough to have some kind of a clue about how committed he is to you but you're still in the dark. I think it's time for a serious conversation. He needs to shit or get off of the pot , if I may put it bluntly.

In answer to one of your questions also , my partner met my kids after seven months together. There's no hard rule obviously but that's what felt right for us.

Good luck OP.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 15/07/2017 21:36

Well if my ex ever decides to re-join our daughter's life, he has to have supervised contact either by me or a contact centre which he refuses, so he will always be with me as well (long story, literally nobody else to facilitate on my behalf).
I think the reason he doesn't see her is because his girlfriend is possessive and is stopping him but all that is worthy of an entire thread! My point is, if they as parents have decided to/need to do this for the sake of the children for whatever reason then that is not your business. It really isn't!
Even if there are no issues, sometimes it's good for separated parents to spend time as a family for the sake of the children. It's really beneficial for them.

Original poster
Missing4u · 16/07/2017 07:44

Thanks all. I have said I am not adverse to them spending time together. But so regularly is quite off putting when he has told me he doesn't want to share his time with them.

OP posts:
Saiman · 16/07/2017 07:51

Him spending time with his ex and kids isnt an issue.

The fact that you havent met his kids is. After 3 years i would have expected to meet them. You dont have to meet them and then spend every weekend with them that he has them.

It really doesnt sound like he views your relationship as serious. If he did he would want you to meet the kids, let them slowly get used to you before you move intogether. If it was serious you would move in together at some point?

Tofutti · 16/07/2017 08:43

What have you decided to do/say, OP?

Original poster
Missing4u · 16/07/2017 09:03

Not really sure what to do or say.
It hadn't really bothered me previously as I have said .. not sure why I have felt this way this time around because they see each other atleast once a month to do days out or visit relatives.
He had some bad news last month and after he'd spoken with me he also called her to talk about it and let her know.
Perhaps because they are still "close" after all this time or he fact he has limited time - but still chooses to have her involved. I don't know I imagine I need to work out what is bothering me before I rock the boat or something.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 16/07/2017 10:07

Work out what you want. Ask him for it. If he's unwilling to provide it then I think you know what to do.

Life's too short.

Original poster
Missing4u · 16/07/2017 10:42

I would be happy if he spent his time with the children and not with her so much. People must see them out and think "are they back together ?" Etc ...
I'm happy to accept he doesn't want to share his time with the children as long as he isn't always sharing time with her too. Or is that making me sound like a cow !

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 16/07/2017 10:53

And what about where your relationship is going? Will you be happy with 'dating' him and not living together for the rest of your life? Or do you want marriage , kids of your own etc? Really think about what you want OP , I feel like you may be accepting crumbs from him.

thegirlupnorth · 16/07/2017 10:55

You've been together for three years and not met his kids? Is he living a double life?

crazykitten20 · 16/07/2017 12:31

Just the same thing that he wants his time with them to be about them and him.
He said they'd such a wonderful day together and it's just made me feel very left out

@Missing4u - of course it made you feel that way. Because you WERE left out. Imo there is no excuse for not including you SOMETIMES. I left my last guy, in the end, partly because of this very situation. It was the right decision although he was very upset. His current gf is included in his time with his kids. I rest my case , m'lud 😉💕

Tormundsbrow · 16/07/2017 12:45

I personally feel that until you live together etc then why should children be involved? Everybody is so quick to jump in with their kids, it's a shame!!

JustDontGetItAtAll · 16/07/2017 15:09

Yes, I'm afraid it is! you cannot control what he does or have any say on how he spends time with is children! They have made a decision together regarding how they facilitate contact. It is absolutely nothing to do with you. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 16/07/2017 15:09

*His

Justhadmyhaircut · 16/07/2017 15:13

I would suggest there is more to their relationship than just dm and df. .

He doesn't sound like he has any intention of your relationship moving forward. .
After 3 years together me and dh were married with a toddler and my dc love him very much. You are out in the wings of his life op by his own choice.