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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating/ sexing for a month. When to ask if he sees me as his girlfriend?

34 replies

Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 17:24

I am newly single after a 16 year relationship so i dont know how the dating game works.

I've been seeing a guy i met on Tinder for a month now. We hit it off so well. Had loads in common. Really thought he was the one. He used to message and call me loads but for whatever reason, the spark has gone for him. He barely says hi each day. However still occasionally sends flirty and caring messages but it seems to be me initiating our next date alot.

I kinda asked why the change in contact and he tried to be clever and use reverse psychology on me, jokingly denying, But phone history proved it.

I was crazy about him. Now I'm left feeling inadequate. I'm not sure if he has just got too comfortable with me or whether he wants to end it but don't wanna upset me. How can I raise the issue again, without sounding annoyingly desperate? Or shall I just accept it's over and slowly withdraw by not responding?

OP posts:
Chaby · 15/07/2017 17:30

I think you should cut your losses and get back out there, sorry

Huskylover1 · 15/07/2017 17:33

Agree with Chaby

If a guy is interested, he will make sure you don't get snapped up by anyone else.

Original poster
Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 17:35

So hard chabby when he randomly messages me to ask how i am. Difficult to ignore a simple, friendly question. What are his intentions then?

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 15/07/2017 17:35

He's keeping you on the back burner. Hedging his bets. He isn't really into you, sorry!

Shockers · 15/07/2017 17:38

Honestly? I think he's keeping you on a low heat for when he wants sex.

You deserve better than that. Everyone deserves better than that.

Chaby · 15/07/2017 17:40

Does sound like he is stringing you along just in case. If he was really into you he'd make a proper effort. I'd delete / block his number so you are not tempted to keep in touch x

Original poster
Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 17:40

I know you're all right. How do I get rid, without being so obviously finished? I always answer and reply within minutes. I'm not good at this dating stuff!
Shall I say how i feel first? (Didn't work 1st time).

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 15/07/2017 17:40

Oh my, OP...

First of all, if you raise it again, you WILL sound annoying and desperate. But why would you even want to be the girlfriend of somebody who leaves you feeling inadequate? And if you must raise it, why ask him whether 'he sees you as his girlfriend?' That gives him all the power and you're just a helpless supplicant, waiting, hoping to be approved off. YOU should be judging HIM

A month is early days. I have food at the back of my fridge that's older than that (yep, it's an oldie but a goodie Grin). The first month or so of dating is your time to observe a man and his treatment of you. It's your time to make a shrewd-headed appraisal of his character and judge whether he's good enough to be in a relationship with you. Because you're so lovely that it's a great PRIVILEGE for a man to be able to get that close, see?

Ps. You shouldn't be initiating. Waiting for him to do so means you can get an idea of how much he wants to see you, and also test his initiative and creativity. Besides, it's likely to turn him off.

Dawnedlightly · 15/07/2017 17:41

Block him and hold off sexting next time. Date, discuss exclusivity, have a relationship.

Chaby · 15/07/2017 17:42

Definitely ignore him. You will probably see an increase in frequency of messages when he realises you are no longer available to him but don't kid yourself he actually cares. It's brutal but it's better to move on before it's too late and you've really fallen for him

Original poster
Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 17:43

We shared very personal things. Even spoke about meeting family. I can't believe it's come to this! Really hard to block and move on without answers.

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 15/07/2017 17:44

Why does it trouble you to be 'so obviously finished'.

If he's not right for you, it's better that you deal with it quite surgically. Just get rid. Otherwise, he'll be endlessly texting to check you're still on the hook, and that'll drain the energy you could spend on other, better men.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 15/07/2017 17:47

ANSwers like what? He's made his stance quite clear imo.

Girlywurly · 15/07/2017 17:48

Sorry, x-post. Yes, it's hard when you feel you've shared important things.

Original poster
Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 17:48

He's even booked a luxury night out package next week. I'm excited but he didn't do it willingly. Said he would book but then kept forgetting. He's paid 100% too. Why would he do that if he wanted me for just sex?

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 15/07/2017 17:58

Sometimes expensive treats can be a way of a man showing that he cares, but just as often they're a way to get sex. Men tend to have more cash to splash than women: often what looks like £££ to us isn't a big deal to them. I've had casual dates spend some hundreds on nights out. I think on some level they were thinking 'cheaper than a night with a decent prostitute, cleaner probably and fewer moral qualms to cope with in the morning. Bargain.'

In summary: I wouldn't read that much into it. Context is everything.

What do you mean he didn't do it willingly? Did you have to keep asking?

demirose87 · 15/07/2017 18:09

He's keeping you right where he wants you in case nothing "better" comes along, or he doesn't want to commit for whatever reason. I've been in a similar situation where the guy was very full on then suddenly dumped me over text after he got what he wanted. Then sent messages prolonging the contact and really confusing for me. I'd walk away. You will know when someone is really into you.

Original poster
Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 18:09

Yes. He definately has cash to splash, in my opinion. I wish I wasn't so easily fooled. In our early days of speaking, he used to tell me he wanted to take me to these lovely places. So when I accepted the offer and set a date, I kept asking him if he got round to it! To the point where he kept joking and deflecting. And eventually gave in!
It will be hard to block without closure on what changed his mind but I have to be a big girl and realise I'm not entitled to that information.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingfreshi123 · 15/07/2017 18:16

This has definitely put me off dating for a bit. So won't be going back out there. Can't believe a man would be so full on and share so much with me, only to dump me slow-time, with no explanation. This will take some time (days)Grin to get over.

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 15/07/2017 18:22

Glad you feel you can recover from this, OP.

I suppose you could ask him what went wrong, but the chances of him actually telling the truth would be vanishingly small, so probably better just to draw a line and move on.

Dating might feel safer if you approach it with a different attitude. Maybe spend a bit of time working out what your red lines are in terms of his conduct before you go back out there? And maybe just treat it as a big, and very fun, sorting exercise in which the overwhelming majority of men you meet will inevitably not make the grade.

Don't feel too demoralised. You're only just out of a relationship. It's going to take a little while to meet that incredible man you deserve. Hope you have lots of fun looking for him!

TheNaze73 · 15/07/2017 18:37

You're at best, one of ten plates he's spinning.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/07/2017 18:47

I just dumped men for this. Makes you feel powerful and raises your self esteem each time knowing you have standards for how you expect to be treated.

sammylady37 · 15/07/2017 19:52

How can you be crazy about someone and sure he's the one after only a month of dating??

Too much intensity and drama in the early days of seeing someone is never good

fortunacookie · 15/07/2017 20:06

I always feel a ton better if I dump them before they dump me...n make sure they know they're dumped..it might prompt him to tell u why he been a knob n if not then no loss...

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 15/07/2017 21:35

Oh crumbs, OP, it's not good. He just doesn't sound that into you but is keeping you on the back burner in case he's at a loose end and fancies a shag. What I would suggest is do a search for some of the many threads on here about online dating, what to do/what not to do, what certain behaviours mean, etc. But to quickly answer some of your points...

I've been seeing a guy i met on Tinder for a month now...really thought he was the one
Woah there! With respect, you don't know him after just a month, only what he chooses to divulge, only the parts of him he wants you to know. Never let your mind wander into future territory with someone you only "met" 4 weeks ago. Keep your emotions guarded for a lot longer than that or you'll end up really hurt.

We shared very personal things
Be careful of doing that. Not only does it create intimacy (which is great once you know they're not a grade A shyster) but it gives abusers lots of ammo to use against you if they find out you're vulnerable, etc.

In our early days of speaking...
You make it sound like you've been together ages when you only met 4 weeks ago!

...he used to tell me he wanted to take me to these lovely places. So when I accepted the offer and set a date, I kept asking him if he got round to it! To the point where he kept joking and deflecting. And eventually gave in!
Look up "future faking". Also, it sounds like he made some throwaway comments and you took it as definitely happening ASAP. You sould a little pushy, sorry, and like you're desperate to rush things. It sounds obvious that he wasn't keen but you pestered until he booked it. Again, you're virtual strangers, it's all too much too soon and you need to simmer right down and learn to take things far slower because otherwise you'll turn off even the nice ones.