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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Men are so shallow nowadays

71 replies

Error505 · 15/07/2017 15:52

I'm about to give up on OLD and dating in general. It seems like men only want model types and pornstars. Personality is no longer important in this day and age.

I want someone to like me for who I am who shares common interests who I can also be intimate with.

I'm so sick of men telling me I'm not attractive enough or that I should change something about my looks. I'm healthy, a good person who's is ambitious. So what am I doing wrong? Is it me or is it men?

OP posts:

Bant · 16/07/2017 00:43

From what I understand of that table, it says that women are more negative towards men of different races than men are?

At least that's what I'm seeing.

OLD is very judgemental. Everyone filters on age, looks, educational background, height, or various other things.

But men saying you're not attractive enough or should change something.. well there's something going on there. The earlier comment about negging may explain it.

How old are you OP, which sites are you using and what kind of men are saying this stuff?

GinAndGooseberry · 16/07/2017 00:48

OP I had a really good look at that table and after my initial shock I noticed something that should dissuade you from giving up ............. That is; Are the men getting what they want? eg, it says that Black men don't ''rate'' black women but who is rating the black men? Not Asian women, as they ''rate'' men minus - 27%. And white women rate them minus -8% and Latina women rate Black men -16%. So without knowing what your ethnicity is, I think the thing all women young old short fat thin tall brown or pink need to remind themselves before they go in to the on line jungle is this what men want is not necessarily what men can get. In the case of the black men in the table who aren't rating black women, the only category who is rating the black men highly is black women. So a sensible black man would do well to get real and reply to the messages he was receiving surely?

Atenco · 16/07/2017 13:13

Not automatically knowing what ethnicity is considered to be unattractive is not a matter of white privilege, actually.

Barbaro · 16/07/2017 13:20

Error505 - I talk to the ones who talk to me.

Theres your problem. If you are only going to wait for someone to talk to you, you are unlikely to find someone who you find attractive, although it does happen obviously. Talk to those who you find attractive and get to know them, see if you like their personality too. If you don't, start looking again. But you can't just wait for someone to find you.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 16/07/2017 15:36

Mumsnet hasn't always been the kind of place where it is seen by some as acceptable to declare yourself this ignorant, has it?

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 16/07/2017 15:37

haha barbaro

my experience is if men don't message you they are not interested.i have messaged loads - 100? nothing positive back at all - i am mostly ignored.

i only get messaged by guys wanting hook ups despite putting no casual hook ups in my profile.

whatisgoingon1 · 16/07/2017 15:58

my experience is if men don't message you they are not interested
Yes ,in my experience also

laGrosellaEspinosa · 16/07/2017 16:04

OP, come back. I'm interested in your experiences; whether you're in a slump (all get those OLD) or whether you've gone through spurts of trying to drum up interest. I always feel like I have to 'drum up' the interest, meet me, clickign like, sending messages yourself etc.

FiftyPoundNote · 18/07/2017 18:24

Did anyone watch "Is love racist?" on C4 last night

laGrosellaEspinosa · 18/07/2017 21:41

No, sounds interesting. What did it conclude?

I am not in uk so cant watch player. May be on you tube soon. Dont know why im so interested. Not an issue for me. Just the usual parafe of fatness and baldness all still certain they can do better!

Babycham1979 · 18/07/2017 22:37

There seems to be a theme on MN that OLD is full of guys who are aiming well out of their league, but that it's not worth messaging men first, as they can't possibly be interested. Doesn't that just suggest that the women in question are also aiming 'too high'?

OLD is a cold, cynical process. It's not suited to those of a delicate temperament. A numbers game, I'd recommend women (and men) initiative contact with as many people they like the look of as possible. What's the worst that can happen? They're not interested. Meh. Move on.

Babycham1979 · 18/07/2017 22:48

Initiate*

HollyHollyHo · 18/07/2017 22:55

Lolling at all the white people denying this happens (and I am white)

Anecdotally I know men who filter online dating to Caucasian only. But in real life would happily chat up BAEM women. Hidden behind a screen it's easier to be picky!

YetAnotherUser · 18/07/2017 23:00

I message women of all ethnicities on online dating.

They all ignore me in equal measure, because I'm ugly 😂

Atenco · 18/07/2017 23:10

Anecdotally I know men who filter online dating to Caucasian only

Well there's one advantage to being BAEM, you don't have to go out with racists.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 18/07/2017 23:27

Babycham1979 it's an interesting question and I recently came across the theory of ''assortative mating''. The idea that people have an inbuilt feeling who is at the upper end of their league. I do wonder sometimes if I delude myself about my 'league'. I'm not consciously shallow and discarding men because I consider them a league beneath me, but I just do not fancy and cannot be attracted to the men who are attracted to me. The ones I'm attracted to don't want me. Some of the men I've rejected (and felt conflicted about it) were overweight and that was the main reason I didn't feel an attraction even if they were good company.

revolution909 · 18/07/2017 23:39

I'm from an ethnic minority and found by DH through OLD almost 9 years ago, so don't give up!

Charley50 · 18/07/2017 23:58

That table is obviously based on US stats. uk stats would be different in some ways I would have thought.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 19/07/2017 00:19

Revolution, is your somebody the same ethnic minority, a different ethnic minority or white. Did you yourself have any preference when you went on line? If you and your DH are different ethnicities do you think that makes it more obvious you met on line (or perhaps less likely!? knowing what we know now).

revolution909 · 19/07/2017 00:32

He's white, no I didn't have any.. I dated Asians, ME, and white. I never got messaged by any black guys though although I think I must have messaged at least a couple. By looking at me you really can't tell what I am, you just know I sort of don't belong here (so to speak)... I guess once you get the whole context, yes the most likely answer is that we met online

runningintothelight · 19/07/2017 00:42

I just want to add that ;

I'm OLD and I'm just an average looking girl. Not a supermodel or porn star.

The guy I met online and am currently dating is ridiculously good looking and could have been in either of those categories. I sometimes think why is he wasting his time with me but then I think I must be doing something right!! and I haven't slept with him yet

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