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Original poster

Men are so shallow nowadays

71 replies

Error505 · 15/07/2017 15:52

I'm about to give up on OLD and dating in general. It seems like men only want model types and pornstars. Personality is no longer important in this day and age.

I want someone to like me for who I am who shares common interests who I can also be intimate with.

I'm so sick of men telling me I'm not attractive enough or that I should change something about my looks. I'm healthy, a good person who's is ambitious. So what am I doing wrong? Is it me or is it men?

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/07/2017 18:18

Table here:

Men are so shallow nowadays
ginswinger · 15/07/2017 18:21

Only someone mired in white privilege would have no idea what you meant by that
That's offensive.

number1wang · 15/07/2017 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

number1wang · 15/07/2017 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/07/2017 18:27

number1wang You're welcome. I'm mixed race so I'm well aware of my 'marmite' looks and knew I'd read there was a study on dating preferences and race.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 15/07/2017 18:28

Only someone mired in white privilege would have no idea what you meant by that

Do you even realise how utterly ridiculous that sounds? Hmm

number1wang · 15/07/2017 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tangledup123 · 15/07/2017 18:41

And I'm sure there are plenty of men who've had no luck with OLD who declare that 'all women are shallow'. Surely being shallow is an inherent part of the process? You narrow down a list of potential partners based largely on what they look like - their ethnicity, weight, height, age, attractiveness, hair, teeth, tattoos, dress sense etc.

Obviously that doesn't excuse the nasty comments you've received about your appearance, and it's stories like that which make me too scared to brave online dating. If OLD is destroying your confidence then maybe you'd be better off joining some groups and activities and trying to meet a partner the old fashioned way?

Aroundtheworldandback · 15/07/2017 18:49

My dh is certainly not shallow- kind and thoughtful. Met him online and he admitted to me that he rejected two women before me as he didn't find them attractive.

The difference is though, he would never have told them that.

RhubardGin · 15/07/2017 19:19

Did these men actually tell you that they didn't find you attractive because you didn't look like a porn star or supermodel?

Men/woman are allowed to be unattracted physically. Maybe telling you was too honest but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

You seem to be tarring all men with the same rush and projecting your experiences onto them.

RhubardGin · 15/07/2017 19:20

Brush*

IP1974 · 15/07/2017 19:27

People can be shallow. Men and women. Not all men are shallow. My OH is far from it

NurseButtercup · 15/07/2017 20:01

Hey OP,

Sounds like you're having a bit of a tough time with OLD. You're not alone in feeling a bit "meh" about the dating scene, it's hard work and you do need to develop a thick skin to filter out the unsuitable candidates. Some men (I can't speak for women), are very very rude and can be lewd hiding behind their phones/IPADs when you reject them.

I agree with you and other posters on this thread, it is harder for women/men from different ethnicities when venturing into OLD. My issue was lot's of attention but the primary focus was purely to live out the wide range of "ebony porn" fantasies. I was scratching my head and really puzzled by this response until someone told me I look a bit like a retired black pornstar, I'm still not sure if I'm offended Hmm

Anyway, in response to my silence or "thanks, but no thanks" I have been told on several occasions that I'm stuck up and uptight. Errrrrr no it's because I have standards.

I used to laugh about some of the messages I received with my friends. I say used to, because I've stopped trying OLD I simply can't be bothered anymore.

Before you throw in the towel I do suggest you try following/posting on the mumsnet dating thread for some support here's the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964783-The-Dating-Thread-119-Summer-days-drifting-away

Goodluck Flowers

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 15/07/2017 20:11

wang

@Fluffypinkpyjamas feel free to RTFT and follow the links. You're welcome

Have done and yep, you still sound ridiculous. HTH

sugarlost · 15/07/2017 22:45

Don't give up OP....it may feel like one hell of a challenge but there could be a wonderful man waiting for you. Stay confident and don't let a few arseholes put you off!

Monday channel 4 at 10pm...Is Love racist? The Dating Game. Looks at racism through modern dating, live apps and a national survey.....

TheStoic · 15/07/2017 23:03

The greatest indication of white privilege is not even being able to acknowledge it exists. Some embarrassing posts on here.

OLD can be very disheartening, OP. It's not for everyone.

whatisgoingon1 · 16/07/2017 00:07

I'm white and find OLD disheartening. I don't get negative comments about my appearance but 90% chance men try to get into my pants .Some manage to show their intentions strait away and I'm greateful,at least I won't waste my time on them.Some manage to get to dating stage and ask what they want after a date or 2.
It's not you OP,it's them.

DixieFlatline · 16/07/2017 00:12

Have done and yep, you still sound ridiculous. HTH

The irony.

Mumsnet hasn't always been the kind of place where it is seen by some as acceptable to declare yourself this ignorant, has it?

MeltorPeltor · 16/07/2017 00:15

Maybe stop trying to date people? Just get on with your life and have fun and the right person will turn up.

I was having a bloody lovely time being single before I met my husband :D

TinselTwins · 16/07/2017 00:15

What the hell is wrong with posters being offended that the OP feels marginalised by society due to her ethnicity

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm white and the OP saying that that is her experience makes me feel sad for her and for society as a hole, I can't imagine why that would make me feel offended unless I'ld acted in a way that might make her comment make me feel defensive!

So being offended by the OPs experiences says way more about you than it does about her

so now can we get back to the point of the thread?

OLD is essentially a shallow process. I don't think it's "men" I think it's the online aspect of it. People dehumanise the people they're speaking to/about because they're behind a screen.

OLD isn't all bad, but OP if you're feeling disheartened by it, a break for a bit is probably a good idea before it really starts affecting you negatively, then go back to it when you can filter out the bad. You gotta be in a strong place where it's like water off a ducks back

DixieFlatline · 16/07/2017 00:21

I'm so sick of men telling me I'm not attractive enough or that I should change something about my looks.

I would advise looking up 'negging' before continuing with any kind of dating, and treating such comments with the disdain they deserve. And immediately moving on from conversations with the men who use them as a tactic.

BackforGood · 16/07/2017 00:26

Your title is ridiculous.
Hate these 'lets generalise 1/2 the population based on one narrow aspect of society' posts.

Also, as tangled123 says upthread, 'judging people' based on a photograph and short description is exactly what everybody doing any type of on-line dating (or looking in newspaper columns) is doing - you glance at the photo, read the description and make a judgement. It's not confined to men.

GinAndGooseberry · 16/07/2017 00:27

I'm not disagreeing with you that OLD is like wading through molasses, but who has told you that you're not attractive? Somebody came right out and said that!?

I've been ignored and I've been rejected but I think I've done more than 50% of the rejecting so I know logically I don't get to feel wounded! I do believe that men attempt to pitch not just a little bit above their weight OLD but a lot. A LOT.

For the time being I've given up because men who were (physically) not out of my league and who I clicked with seemed to reject me. Literally the only men who make the effort or seemed bothered about me, i had to reject them because there was no way I could have slept with them and I had to make that clear.

GinAndGooseberry · 16/07/2017 00:36

That table really is quite shocking. What is going on there!?

DixieFlatline · 16/07/2017 00:37

'judging people' based on a photograph and short description is exactly what everybody doing any type of on-line dating (or looking in newspaper columns) is doing - you glance at the photo, read the description and make a judgement. It's not confined to men.

I don't think there are nearly as many women who use OLD who would actively initiate conversation with men on it just to pick at their appearance, actually. And of those who might do so, I doubt the motivation is to grind them down so they'll sleep with them!