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Original poster

11 year age gap. Could it work? What needs to be considered?

43 replies

chasegirl · 15/07/2017 02:29

He's 57 I am 46. Still at the getting to know you stage but he has told me to think about the age gap and what it could mean in the future.
Health could be an issue maybe but what else should I be thinking about???

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 15/07/2017 02:32

There was a 12 year age gap between me and exh , it didn't bother either of us.

I'd be curious to want to know what problems this chap can foresee, it's obviously a concern for him.

thestamp · 15/07/2017 02:35

Once you're 40+ I don't think a gap of under 15 years is much of an issue tbh. Unless the older person is in really poor health.

As long as you're compatible in normal ways I think it will be fine

Original poster
chasegirl · 15/07/2017 02:40

I wasn't exactly sure what he meant either. More talking required I think.

He seems pretty healthy

OP posts:
thestamp · 15/07/2017 02:42

He's likely just trying to lay the groundwork to end things. Or keep things light and non committal.

CremeFresh · 15/07/2017 02:50

It's a funny thing to say if you are looking to have a relationship with someone, it's almost looking for a problem before it's happened.

Maybe he's had a past relationship and the woman ended it siting this as a reason.

Original poster
chasegirl · 15/07/2017 02:58

I thought it was a but funny too almost as if he was giving me an 'out' if I needed to use it.
I really don't think he wants to end things at all

OP posts:
OkPedro · 15/07/2017 02:59

My friend is 40 in December his partner will be 23. They've just had their first dc together... I would have been very sceptical before but not now 🤷‍♀️

CremeFresh · 15/07/2017 03:00

I'd ask him what he means, what does he see happening in the future that may be a problem. Partners can be the same age and one can still fall ill or worse.

KarmaNoMore · 15/07/2017 03:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1486956786 · 15/07/2017 03:19

Perhaps he's insecure about it. There is nothing to consider. At any age poor health can strike. Or people at the same age can age at rapidly different rates.

I have bigger age gap than you and very happy. We are planning forward to part time retire at similar times anyways.

BikeRunSki · 15/07/2017 03:46

There was 11 years between my parents. DDad became very ill unexpectedly at 50, and died at 61. This means that DM spent her 40s nursing a sick man, raising dc and working, and was widowed at 50. They never got to spend their retirement together, in fact DDad never got to retire.(this was the 80s and I am one of 4 dc - dm didn't really work until Dad got ill, so the situation Karma describes was never going to happen).

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2017 03:48

One of my dear friends has a 13 year age gap. They've been married nearly 50 years now. She's said that now she is 'feeling' the age gap more than ever before since her DH (a lovely man) turned around 78 (he's now 80). He began to slow down and lose interest in things outside of TV and the computer. No longer wants to travel or do anything. He's slowly becoming more and more dependent on her for everything. Not just the usual 'wife' things, but it's getting to the point where he follows her around the house with aimless chatter and 'what are you doing?' and really doesn't want her out of his sight. She's still free to come and go but she can tell that he 'frets' when she's away. He's still sharp as a tack, he just has no interest in life outside of her and their grandsons. She loves him dearly, but I can see that it is draining her.

Obviously not every person gets this way. Some are independent and interested in life until the day they die. Problem is, you just never know.

Onedaysoooon · 15/07/2017 07:08

I think age gaps are more of an issue the older you get. I had a seven year gap relationship and he did get ill in his 50s and died aged 60 (split up by then.) My parents are in a similar age gap relationship and it shows now they are becoming elderly although not at all when they were young and raising a family.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 15/07/2017 07:14

We have a 15 year gap and at the moment no issues, we're very happy but yes, it's likely to show later on. Saying that, both his parents are fit and healthy and active at 70+ so I'm working on the basis that we have had 7 wonderful years together so far and could potentially have another 20 or I could get run over by a bus tomorrow...

Imissmyboy · 15/07/2017 07:19

12 year age gap here. He was worried initially, but we have been married 24 years. Noticing it more now as he has semi retired and only works 3/4 days a month. I get jealous that he is out walking the dog while I'm stuck at work. However, I give him jobs to do during the week which frees up my weekend, meaning we can do more then.

Cat2014 · 15/07/2017 07:22

11 year age gap here. I'm the older one. At the moment It works perfectly. As others have said, ill health can strike at any time.

BigGreenOlives · 15/07/2017 07:25

I think Karma has summed it up really well. You might be very lucky and have twenty five healthy years with him or he might start displaying old age much younger, depending on how hard his life has been. Have you been single for long? I have a female friend who has just married her partner of 40, she's 52. They've both already had children. That seems a better way round to me (although she says it's hard to not complain about being stiff when she gets out of bed). Is he good at putting on laundry & deciding what to cook & then buying the ingredients etc. There is a huge range of domesticity level in men that age & he's unlikely to change.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/07/2017 07:42

11 year age gap here, I'm 41 and dh is 52. Our dc are small, 3 and 5, and I think he finds parenthood tiring. Most friends and his sister have grown up kids so not sharing his stage of life. His health is good. I suppose he'll retire a long time before me but that's a long time off!

Xmasbaby11 · 15/07/2017 07:47

I actually don't think retiring at different times matters unless you plan to move abroad or do a lot of travelling together. My mum retired 11 years before dad and she developed her own interests and friendships. They do more together now they're both retired of course, but I don't think it was an issue.

thumpingrug · 15/07/2017 08:09

10 year gap between my self and DW. We met when I was 25, she 35. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary later this year.

caffeinestream · 15/07/2017 08:11

I think it has the potential to go both ways.

In one respect, he could be really healthy, live to 95 and never have any issues until his late 80's. He could be happy staying home while you work, picking up all the household bits and indulging in his hobbies/seeing friends.

Alternatively, he could struggle with old age and need a lot of care - be it physical or emotional. Are you prepared to spend your last working years/early retirement years caring for him if that's the case? Are you happy to be working until 68 while he's at home doing whatever he wants for 12 years, or alternatively, needing care while you still need to work full-time to pay the bills?

I think big age gaps are fine when you're raising a family, but I've noticed a lot of people struggling with it as they've reached their 50's/60's and start struggling with retirement and care issues.

SummerKelly · 15/07/2017 08:23

I had this issue with a previous relationship, I think an age gap is different if you've been together for ages and have lots of history. There were other issues but one factor for me was that I didn't want to be with someone who was just retiring as I was still at the top of my career. He would have very little money too and I didn't want to either have to support him or accept that we couldn't go on nice holidays or out for meals etc. without me paying. That makes me sound a bit hard, and maybe if it was the only issue it would have been different, but it was part of various things that made it not right.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 15/07/2017 08:24

I know quite a few couples inc my parents with this type of age gap. Now they are old my dad (who is the older one) is actually in much better health than my mum. If all else is good it shouldn't be a worry at all.

MumBod · 15/07/2017 08:39

16 year gap here. I adore him. He looks after me like a guardian angel. My anxiety is very bad at the moment and he is endlessly patient and loving, running our business single-handedly while I stay at home and wibble.

Yesterday I found chocolate in my knicker drawer and received beautiful flowers.

So if I have to look after him in years to come, I reckon he'll have earned it.

Love's love. It can't read birth certicates.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2017 08:57

That's not really a massive age gap, especially considering your own age.

If he's fairly fit and agile now, then I would stick with him.

My friend married a man 17 years older when she was 33. They've had 2 DC, but he's very physically fit. He mountain bikes and hikes etc.

They are very happy and whilst she was concerned about the age gap, she'd also been single for a while before him and he's a really nice easy going chap.