Cold Feet....

[LesisMiserable]

Been with DP just over two and half years, met online and getting married in two weeks time. We currently live 60 miles apart and will probably continue to do so until my DD is off to uni in a couple of years. We're both happy with this - it's kind of a 'if it's not broke...' situation. I personally enjoy the feeling of getting excited going over to see him and vice versa. We see each other at least 4 nights/days a week if not more.

So all good. Happy and in love with him. Not my first marriage - I was married to DD's dad for four years, with him for nine altogether - but this feels like a totally different deal. In my first marriage I was happy to get married and felt content and it was great whilst it lasted, I had no nerves and no quams about the day or the marriage. But this one....I am starting to feel really weird about. I'm much happier with my partner than I was my first DH, it is everything I could hope for in a partnership, we sometimes have minor trust issue flare ups which are more than likely caused by living apart BUT I dont see that a reason to live together as we all know it makes no difference whatsoever to someone cheating whether you live together or not.

But I am, I have to admit, freaking out on a low level at present, worrying if I am signing myself up to the possibility of being let down or hurt, worried that he or I or maybe both of us are not going to be able to commit how you should - it may well be that I am projecting my feelings on to him but to be honest you hear so many awful tales of people getting married with the best of intentions only for someone to cheat etc. I know there is no guarantee in life against this. I know rationally that it should cement our relationship not scare the shit out of me but it feels like if it went wrong there would just be so much more to lose because I am so in love and happy with him. Is it normal to feel like this? I have no idea!! He seems made up with the fact we are getting married and keeps calling himself my future husband and as normal as that should feel, it is spooking me out!! Yet I absolutely do want to be married to him, he's ace.

Please someone talk me down!!

Why did you decide to marry?

Btw - a marriage isn't actually going to cement anything. You do know that right?

I think we literally just felt that we had found the right person and we wanted to be married as opposed to dating each other. As far as my DP is concerned he has never been married and says he has never before felt inclined to even get close but with me it is the exact opposite and he'd felt it from very early on that I was the person he could imagine being married to.

I think for me it is because my first marriage was something of having to do it to conform to what was expected of me (family stuff) , also my Exh was seen as a catch as it were - he's very wealthy and I think I probably got swept away a little with the thought that I had married well (to be really medieval about it). When we split I took nothing at all except child maintenance for our DD so I am in no way well off at all but so much more content with my DP - he is my mate as well as my man and everything I could hope for - I really have been excited about calling myself his wife and he my husband - until now. With my previous marriage I struggled to even wear my wedding ring - not because I wanted to be single as such but because it just didnt feel 'authentic' to me if that makes sense. I loved my first husband but in a familial way, not how I am with DP.

I do know that and I think that's why it's making me wobble. But by the same logic, there's nothing to be lost by it either and I know that - we want to be married to each other, so I just dont know why I'm feeling weird about it and worry whether I have commitment problems that I'm now projecting onto him or if he has them too (never having married etc) and I'm worried about that. And yet, we are so genuinely happy that I dont know why I'm worrying!!

He keeps saying to me jokingly "you are going to be there arent you??!" And I laugh along but there is a tiny part of me thinking "Am I??"

Argggh!!!

For reference he is 39 and I am 45. That's another thing - I think to myself is he only doing this now so he can say that he got married before he hit 40? Do men think like this?? I dont know!! See, I am wobbling all over the place and thinking mad thoughts and it's totally not like me at all. I'm thrown completely.

Have you ever properly lived together at all? If you feel like this then I would take the 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' idea to its full extent and carry on as you are without getting married.

No not lived together and both ok with that at present but plans to buy together in the future. I own my house outright and he rents but is saving for a mortgage (was already doing this when we met, he had just come back from travelling and was ready to settle and put down roots). So the plan is to sell my house and put half in and for him to get a mortgage for the other half (or something akin to this). The main point being I didnt want him to feel like he was moving into 'my house' and wherever we lived together would be ours from scratch.

I know what you are saying Creme but I think we both feel the urge to make it official so to speak and that's how we've got to this point - we only booked it two months ago and it's quite low key and casual and I do want to be married so I just don't get why I feel weirded out. Just wondering if anyone has experienced the same because I didnt at all first time round so this has thrown me in such an unexpected way. I think I'm just so scared of it going pear shaped. If I'm really honest I have probably spent too long on the relationship board on here and perhaps should step away from the horror stories

I should point out half the value of my house not all - I'm in love but I'm not an idiot

The thing is , even if you can't put you finger on why you're having doubts, the fact is you are having them and I wouldn't enter into a marriage if I were unsure about anything.

I know you're right about that - I just can't decide if I'm having actual doubts or just jitters. It's completely unlike me to be up at 3.15 am thinking about this stuff so that unnerves me - having said that have just come back from holiday abroad so hoping it is maybe just a time difference thing still being awake

I think there can be more nerves with second marriages because you now know, from experience, that it isn't guaranteed to succeed.

The first time you marry you believe wholeheartedly that love conquers all, that it is for life, that you will be in the 50% who 'make it'; it doesn't occur to you for one minute that you won't live happily ever after.

With second marriages you're much more aware that things can go wrong, that people and feelings change, that second marriages have a 70% failure rate; you have been through the crappy experience of divorce and understandably fear that it could happen again.

If your doubts were about your comparability I would be saying to delay or cancel, but it seems that all of your concerns are about whether this marriage will last and your fear of losing someone you love so much if it doesn't work out. I therefore think all you can do is talk to him about your misgivings and have faith that you are in the 30% who last.

Having said that, I honestly don't understand why you are marrying if you're going to continue living apart. To me, you will be more boyfriend/girlfriend than life partners because no area of your lives will be intertwined. I'm worried that you say that visiting each other is exciting, because what happens when that excitement is eventually replaced by a normal humdrum daily routine? I can't imagine marrying again without first knowing whether we can bear to live together.

There's nothing wrong with second guessing your decisions. It can be a good thing if it makes you examine things in a healthy way. From everything you've said, your partner sounds like a very decent man who loves you, and no, I don't think his age is a factor or he only wants to get married because he'll be 40 soon. If a gamble is to be made, and let's be honest, basically EVERYTHING in life is a gamble, he sounds like a good bet.

Personally I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with, but that's just me.

What stood out for me was when you said you had the secret voice wondering if you would turn up at your wedding. My secret voice before mine was wishing the time away until my special day. I wanted to be nowhere in the world more than stood in front my now very dear H and pledge my love and commitment to him. I'm not sure if you should marry him. You just sound so unsure although he does sound lovely.

I can't see why you are getting married at all. Why didn't you wait until you were able to live with each other? It seems an unusual set up to me although that doesn't seem to be the source of your doubts.

As for wanting to get married before you are 40, yes I know a few people who did that (me included!) including a couple of men.

Sounds a bit like an anxiety attack if there's no obvious cause for legit trust issues. My friend started to get anxiety (and even full on panic attacks) in the run up to her wedding. There was nothing wrong, it was just a stress reaction. It all stopped the day after the wedding.

My concern would be that you own your house outright and he rents. What are your plans for protecting your assets if the marriage goes wrong?

The words that jumped out at me from your OP were 'trust issues'.

What are they? And whose? Yours or his?

Are you worried that he is only marrying you for financial security? You supplying a huge deposit would make it easy for him to obtain a mortgage, but what happens if you separate? Do you get the whole deposit back? What if he stops paying the mortgage?
Unless this agreement is set in stone with a solicitor, then I feel you are being foolish.This has financial disaster written all over it.

What is the point in buying a house together but living apart? Just keep living apart if that works. Buy a house WHEN you are ready to live together.

This sounds odd. When he calls himself your future husband, is he future-proofing, so its harder to back out? Nothing about this sounds right. I would cancel the wedding until you are both ready to FULLY commit.
You have doubts - listen to them. Postpone the wedding.

'
What is the point in buying a house together but living apart? Just keep living apart if that works. Buy a house WHEN you are ready to live together'

I think that is currently op's plan.

I really think you should listen to your inner voice.It has been a quick decision and I wonder if you need more time.

Once you are married (3 years or so) your house is less protected...have you sought legal advice as you are giving him the opportunity to share your assets through marriage.

Marriage means you can't walk away and will have to pay to separate.I am speaking as someone who married after years together, to someone with limited assets, and now going through an horrible divorce and will lose financially as had a house beforehand.

Do you really know him if haven't lived together? I can't see the benefit for you (maybe a lovely day)...only risk.

I think given your ages it feels risky marrying and has only a romantic benefit which we all know isn't lasting.

You know something isn't right but blame yourself (commitment issues) but I think you need to act as instinct is powerful and shouldn't be ignored.

"What is the point in buying a house together but living apart? Just keep living apart if that works. Buy a house WHEN you are ready to live together'
I think that is currently op's plan."

Quote - We currently live 60 miles apart and will probably continue to do so until my DD is off to uni in a couple of years.

So why marry & buy a house now?

Live together for a year. Rent and let your house out so you have a property which is joint. After a year living with him you'll know.

No we'll be buying a house together in the future when DD is off, not going to by buying one together until that point and as soon as we do buy it will be for us to live together. sorry I may not have made that clear.

The living apart I honestly see no different to marriages where one person works away. I know there are a lot of marriages that are strained by this but in all honesty every marriage I know on a personal level where this is the case, they are very happily married - their marriage are strong and long lasting. My personal belief is that space is important. In my last marriage we lived in a huge six bedroom, three bathroom, three story detached house - and it still wasnt big enough and felt claustrophobic because we were so wrong for each other and very different people. Whereas with DP it is completely different, we see life the same way in pretty much all areas so I'm not worried about living together when the times comes, I think in all honestly at present I just enjoy having our 'girly' house with DD, we've been together in it since she was 9 and we love our space together. At the same time I love the change of scene that goes into going to DP's environment if that makes sense - where I'm not 'mum' I'm just me. When DP is at ours we are very much 'us three'. I love the variety it gives us just now.

I'm not worried about the financial side of it with him. My exh is very high up in the financial world and watching his work with his wife after me and subsequent divorce etc lets say has taught we everything I need to know about being canny about this stuff so that's all good.

The trust stuff - as I said, we see eye to eye on pretty much everything which means we have basically the same strengths, principles and beliefs but also insecurities and sometimes these come out. Nothing horrendous and not ongoing just the occasional raised eyebrows I think on either side. Maybe entirely natural? It confuses me because with my exes before my exh - they all cheated on me so I was wary. With my exh he was a completely different type to my exes before him, I never felt any trust issues or fears at all - but I question whether this is because I just didnt love him in a passionate sexual way as such so I had no sexual jealousy over him and therefore no concerns. With DP I just love and fancy him so much that it feels overwhelmingly scary sometimes that it could go wrong and I could lose that and I think by his actions that's what gets him too.

At this point he seems excited for it and I am too and I'm surprising myself really that it's making me jittery because he is brilliant, DD and him get on like a house on fire and to all intents and purposes its an absolute online dating winning story. I

couldnt be happier. I just need very much to defeat this niggling you/he is going to fuck this up feeling. I think it is the feeling that he's duping me and I've read him wrong and he's going to annihilate my heart. Which is mental!!

I felt so safe in my first marriage it was me who ended it and I just cant wrap my head around this one.

See I'm waffling again!! Anyone who knows my posts on here will know I can be a bit bolshy and matter of fact - the wishy washy look is not me, I dont know myself!

I met dh on line.
We clicked straight away. He lived 25 miles away but we met up for 3-4 nights a week.
No trust issues on either side.
We knew within a couple of weeks we wanted to be together always.
After 3.5 years we got engaged.
I can't remember if he'd sold his house and moved in with me at that point...maybe that came later.
Anyway after a couple of years of living together we married...that was two years ago.

It's my house. It goes to my children on my death but dh has a lifetimes use of it.
He and I share half bills but I pAy for refurbishments.

Does my story help you with your dilemma.

I wanted to marry so that when we age ( mid 60s now) if either of us is in a crisis situation being legally married might have more clout than just being a partner.

The commitment was no different married or not.

Hope this helps. If you're having doubts, postpone the marriage until you are living together.

I love my dh to bits but yesterday I could have stove his head in with a frying pan!