Cold Feet....

[LesisMiserable]

Been with DP just over two and half years, met online and getting married in two weeks time. We currently live 60 miles apart and will probably continue to do so until my DD is off to uni in a couple of years. We're both happy with this - it's kind of a 'if it's not broke...' situation. I personally enjoy the feeling of getting excited going over to see him and vice versa. We see each other at least 4 nights/days a week if not more.

So all good. Happy and in love with him. Not my first marriage - I was married to DD's dad for four years, with him for nine altogether - but this feels like a totally different deal. In my first marriage I was happy to get married and felt content and it was great whilst it lasted, I had no nerves and no quams about the day or the marriage. But this one....I am starting to feel really weird about. I'm much happier with my partner than I was my first DH, it is everything I could hope for in a partnership, we sometimes have minor trust issue flare ups which are more than likely caused by living apart BUT I dont see that a reason to live together as we all know it makes no difference whatsoever to someone cheating whether you live together or not.

But I am, I have to admit, freaking out on a low level at present, worrying if I am signing myself up to the possibility of being let down or hurt, worried that he or I or maybe both of us are not going to be able to commit how you should - it may well be that I am projecting my feelings on to him but to be honest you hear so many awful tales of people getting married with the best of intentions only for someone to cheat etc. I know there is no guarantee in life against this. I know rationally that it should cement our relationship not scare the shit out of me but it feels like if it went wrong there would just be so much more to lose because I am so in love and happy with him. Is it normal to feel like this? I have no idea!! He seems made up with the fact we are getting married and keeps calling himself my future husband and as normal as that should feel, it is spooking me out!! Yet I absolutely do want to be married to him, he's ace.

Please someone talk me down!!

dowser you sound like my spiritual twin 😂

I know this wasn't your dilemma but I can't help being afraid for you regarding you giving him half of your house through marriage. He has everything to gain and you have everything to lose.

I would be putting the wedding on hold and when the time comes renting your house out and buying half with him in a new house, or renting together.

Marriage is not gaining you anything. You are still together and head over heels in love.

I wouldn't marry anyone I hadn't lived with.

I know you're right Sorrel and that could be a gamble. All I can say about that is that my DP knows all about my previous marriage. As I say exh very wealthy (millions) and that was part of the reason we split - I just could not be happy in that lifestyle having to interact with such vacuous moneyed people that I had to schmooze with. It just wasnt me. My morals say that when you decide to leave someone, if they have basically earned all their wealth before you came along, you have no right to live off it - so when I left as I say I left with nothing except child maintenance because I think that's fair and that's the sort of person I am. DP I believe and by all appearances and knowing his background and family well etc is of the same morality. So I'm sure as much as I can be that he would not use being married as a way of getting his hands on my assets (wahey!) I just dont think his mind works like that. I think if it did it would have surfaced by now with all the dealings with my exh. I think if I am honest, he had done his degree, done his travelling, come home, got his job and begun to put down his roots by saving up for a mortgage for himself, then I came along and (happily) disrupted it. He's very financially independent and has a nice home , much nicer than mine in some ways if I'm being honest etc so I honestly dont have worries about that. I look forward to the time when we can get our own little nest together actually and we would both be putting in equally so unless I'm being really naive (possible) I have nothing to lose that way. My half of the house would be ringfenced for DD for the future although I'm not worried about her financially for the future because her dad has made very good provision for her. My only worry for her is that the money goes to her head

I don't mean that he's using you to get his hands on your assets! I'm sure that he is very genuine and loves you dearly, but things do go wrong and I think your security is at risk. I would be a bit more hard headed about finances. I don't think being married at this point is worth anything. It's a legal contract. I'd move your life on together more first. It does sound exciting because it sounds like dating and escapism. You get to go to his and escape your life etc. I don't mean to sound rude as I don't know you or your relationship at all.

It sounds like your dd will be financially set for life, just make sure your own future is secure and there's no chance of you ending up in a bedsit at 60.

Thats sound advice Sorrel thank you