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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this evidence of rape?

40 replies

FallingRaindrops2015 · 14/07/2017 22:29

My DP has always been quite demanding when it comes to sex every day he would wake me up by putting his hands in my pants, making it quite clear I wanted him to get off and leave me alone he would still continue.

Our relationship has gotten worse and worse over time and when I pointed out that this is sexual abuse he moved into the spare room 'to protect himself from my disgusting acusations'.

However it hasn't stopped him and now he just refuses to take no for an answer, even at 3am after he arrives home from a night out drinking he will refuse to leave my bed until I, as he puts it 'give in'.

On one particular occasion I was in my iPad when he decided to start demanding sex so I managed to record, unfortunately the recording stopped so didn't actually get him doing anything but does record comments such as:

Me:Get off of me
Him: Or your what
M: Why do think it's your right
H: Because it is my right

M:I don't want to have sex
H:Okay don't want it but enjoy it

M:Just go away
H: No I'm not going away it's this simple we can have sex and you can go to sleep or we can carry on like this for an hour and we will still carry on like this until you give in

H:What you going to do...call the police

He's also made comments like 'it's about time I learnt my place and give me sex, I go to work, people have sex with strangers'.

This is just one element of his abuse he is emotionally abusive, controlling and extreamly manipulative. He is constantly making up complete lies and accusations against me.

I was hoping someone could advise if this would be seen as evidence of his abuse or not?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
BTPlonker · 14/07/2017 22:33

Yes I would have thought so. Are you safe at the moment?

OhMyYears · 14/07/2017 22:34

More than enough evidence.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have anyone in RL to support you?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2017 22:35

Why are you still with him?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 14/07/2017 22:35

I'm afraid I don't know the answer OP but didn't want to read and run.

I hope you're okay Flowers

Justhadmyhaircut · 14/07/2017 22:35

Make a promise to yourself that the last time will be the last time he does this and gets away with it. .
Flowers

OnTheRise · 15/07/2017 07:59

He sounds awful. Keep yourself safe. Get away from him.

SaltyMyDear · 15/07/2017 08:02

If I was you first I'd focus on leaving him.

Prosecuting him for rape would be something you can do after you've left.......

Please leave this truly horrible man :(

thumpingrug · 15/07/2017 08:05

This is rape, abuse and just plain wrong. Leave and go somewhere safe as soon as you can.

SellMySoulForMoreSleep · 15/07/2017 08:07

If you are not wholely and freely consenting to sex it is rape. Please please please get yourself away from this horrible person.

Original poster
FallingRaindrops2015 · 15/07/2017 08:10

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I am safe and I have family support who are desperate for me to leave.

What would you do about the above and what is likely to happen?

As you can see from my other post, this is far from the only problem in our relationship.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2978109-Can-I-just-leave

I'm terrified of what he will do if I try to take any action on any of his behaviour. He will randomly say (I assume for the benefit of his recordings....which he has done for a long time, hence me doing the above) 'let me remind you that that's gbh' , 'stop kicking, punching and scratching me', 'look at all these marks over my body'.

I just don't know what he will do as he clearly doesnt have the morals of a normal person. How can i ever be okay when the person I'm constantly fighting against for a fair outcome is like he is?

Thanks again for your support, it's good to get an external perceptive and not be told that the problem is me

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 15/07/2017 08:11

Yes it's rape. Whether you can get a conviction or not who knows. But your safety is the priority. Are you safe? Can you leave? Do you have access to money? Do you have DC? So sorry this has happened to you.

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2017 08:14

You need to talk to women's aid or the police for advice on leaving a potentially violent partner and then you need to go.
If he treats you like this, how long will it be before he starts on the children?

GlitterSparkles17 · 15/07/2017 08:16

You've got some solid proof here, it may not be enough proof for rape but it's 100% proof of his abuse and the police will see straight through him. Please get to your family today and contact the police!! He has zero evidence of his lies of you abusing him.

Desmondo2016 · 15/07/2017 08:24

You would have to report the specific incidents of 'rape ' (for an offence to be recorded there needs to be time/date/place) and then those messages would be very strong supporting evidence of your allegations. (Part of my job is investigating rape). You really sound like you're getting your strength together and your ducks in a row. Stay safe. Do not have sex with him again. When you're ready, report all the abuse. Every last thing, control, threats, bullying, rapes etc. Everything. Do not worry about his access to your son - you call the shots. Find the internal strength to see and remember he is not strong. He is not your boss. He and his fuckery can fuck off to the far side of planet fuck and then fuck off a little further. Don't even give his opinion the time of day.

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2017 08:27

Speak to the police about it all and also to women's aid. I hope you're in the process of leaving him.

mumonashoestring · 15/07/2017 08:29

If his recordings show that his behaviour is causing you to kick, push and scratch (particularly trying to push him away) then all he's really doing is building up evidence that you feel the need to defend yourself against him. Self defence is not GBH, go to the police, ask to speak to a WPC or an STO (specially trained officer) regarding sexual assault.

Even leaving that aside, what if you just left? You have family support, you'd be out of his immediate reach and you'd have some space to think about whether to take action against him. Either way, you'd be safer and happier than you are now. Don't get so tied up thinking about getting him convicted of something that you forget you have the right to walk away from any relationship that makes you miserable.

Original poster
FallingRaindrops2015 · 15/07/2017 08:58

It's DC that worries me the most, he knows his control and power of me is slipping away and he's already started using DC to maintain this. It's the only way he knows how to hurt me.

He's already said he will 'take me to court for 50/50'. Which is ridiculous given his lack of involvement in his life to date, he doesn't want him he just wants to hurt me. He's even said he will get full custody as 'I'm a fucking psycho'.

Given what he's like how do I protect ds regarding access? I don't want to do anything that makes me look bad if it were to go to court over access.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 15/07/2017 09:13

Forget divorce and custody for now. Get him jailed for multiple rape and he will be out of your life.

Doyoumind · 15/07/2017 09:26

I would say definitely talk to the police. I had a quick look at your other thread and if you have concerns about going to court for custody it will help that you have made reports against him.

ChrisPrattsFace · 15/07/2017 09:34

If he has allegations against him, DC care will be in your favour.
Firstly, protect yourself, get somewhere safe and report him when you're ready to do so!

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 15/07/2017 09:43

I am a police officer and this is chilling.
Get out to your mum's and call police. He has been raping you. You have a verbal record of him basically coercing you and bullying you.
Please leave this abusive man and look after yourself and your DS. Flowers

Hermonie2016 · 15/07/2017 09:46

I am so sorry you are going through this. He's highly abusive.

Please call women's aid they have been a tremendous help with a friend who ex was similar (may not have been as bad as yours).
She has had their support and guidance and child contact is very much reduced despite the children being much older.A cafcass report has seen through him even though he tries to be charming to external people.

Once the reality hits of how irrational your partner is, its feels terrifying but once you get out you start to regain perspective and you can have more boundaries in place.He will not be as close to you physically or emotionally so it starts to feel safer.

Good luck OP, it will be ok and your son will be ok..much better being away from him.

Kickhiminthenuts · 15/07/2017 09:46

You've had good advice here, please leave.
I just wanted to say send that recording to someone to keep it safe. Just incase something happens to the iPad. Keep it safe but make a backup just in case

BastardGoDarkly · 15/07/2017 09:52

You just need to leave for now.

Grab the dc and get out, the rest can wait.

You can do it, best of luck Flowers

troodiedoo · 15/07/2017 09:54

It's the polices job to investigate and gather evidence and they are well trained in dealing with domestic violence and abuse.

None of it is your fault. Leaving will be one of the best things you ever do. I wish you all the best please be brave and make the move.

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