Coping with marital breakdown alone

[Dustifyoumust]

My marriage has been slowly falling apart for the last three years and no one knows. I'm struggling to cope on my own, keeping the secret and prentice that we are happy. I'm feeling really awful tonight, another screaming match and threats of divorce and now I'm alone with my unhappy thoughts. Where do I go from here? I can't tell my family or friends how bad things are, I've got no one to turn to. I've got three kids to keep a brave face on for and a stressful job to keep delivering. There's no space to explode. I don't want to go to counselling as my husband is a verbal bully and will use it to demonstrate what a selfish bitch I am. I feel so trapped and so alone. ☹️

Is there no
One really close to you you could talk to.

Are you going to leave your husband you sound really unhappy?!

Have you made a record of all the abuse he gives you or tell someone!

You're no alone OP, you have the whole of MN behind you, as did I when I was in the same situation. Leave him & start over. NOTHING is as bad as the crap you put up with. I speak from personal experience - over 20yrs EA. There's a whole new world out there & you'll find you're not alone. Keep posting, we're all here to help.

Thanks both. No, there's no one. Everyone we know thinks we're a normal happy couple. I couldn't tell them the truth of why we have fallen apart even if I was close enough to someone to. A few years ago I discovered that my husband has a secret online life, cross dressing and having online sex with strangers. We've never properly talked about it, I think he just thinks we're pretending it doesn't exist. It's destroyed me. The lies, the sneaking about. I feel so unloved and unwanted, like a sack of potatoes to look at. He knows I'm depressed and anxious because of it, but tells me not to burden him with my stresses. And yet I can't leave him. Just trapped really.
And very sad tonight

Why can't you tell family and friends?Is it because it feels real then,no going back,failure,cultural/religious or just scared?

I can't tell people his secret. It's not up to me. And I don't want to make up a story about why we hate each other.

Sorry posted too late.
My family and I guess yours if your close to them will know something is wrong.
I think you know you have to leave him as this is not going to change.Maybe you have to accept this first.
Let your family and good friends know how unhappy you are and go from there.I got such unexpected support from my family(who had in retrospect shared concerns about me).They have never asked but just let me tell them as much as I wanted too.I have only spoken to my solicitor about what really happened.Mine are huggy but undemonstrative family,lots of unspoken love.I don't know what your family are like but they may suprise you,you do not have to tell them why,just say you cannot talk about it yet but do get help to get away before he destroys you.

Actually,thinking hard about it no one actually asked me why I had to leave.

He says he hates me because I'm selfish and inflexible. I only ever think about what I want and I treat him like dirt. I don't make him happy apparently either. Most of the time I want to tell him to fuck off with whoever he chats to online. But I'm guessing they are as fake as he is. So, we trundle on, avoiding each other and trading insults when it blows up. Today was about me not taking his advice on a work problem that I have (despite the fact we work in totally different jobs). I was stressed and crying about it and he thought it would help to shout at me and call me a selfish c*nt for not taking his advice.

OP that sounds like an awful existence for you. Regardless of telling friends/family why, can you meet with a solicitor for an initial (free) conversation and start getting your ducks in a row. As others have said you don't have to give details to people, you can just say your marriage is over. Very tough but I would be surprised if you didn't feel better without him. Take care

My family really would be no support. Did no one ever ask you why you split? I'm guessing people would be nosy. That said, I stopped wearing my wedding and engagement rings 18 months ago and no one has ever noticed.

Hi OP, what about counselling on your own? It really helped me see things clearly - and I got out 6 months ago.
I know you don't want to out him for the cross dressing stuff but he's being unfaithful to you - there's no need to keep that a secret!
You don't have to be unhappy. There is always a way... mumsnet was my lifeline and gave me the strength I needed.

I don't think you need to feel any obligation to protect his feelings when he clearly doesn't give a stuff about yours!! You've done nothing wrong!

I keep thinking of seeing a solicitor to get some advice but then if he knew he'd go mental. My husband isn't the kind of man would would make a reasonable ex either. I could just see years of bitter battles ahead. I have a friend like that and she's so sad and lonely and broken because of it. I don't want to be a broken and broke single mum.

I can't afford counselling right now and I don't like it if I'm honest. It just makes me feel worse about life, like there are no real happy endings.

Just want to agree that MN has been a lifeline. At least you have some sort of reason for your marriage breakdown, although it must be very hurtful, you cannot possibly compete with with what your partner seems to like... My marriage is over after 28 years with no real good reason just his end of , sorry mid life crisis.I'm sorry you feel trapped but you do have a choice. Try to be happy, good luck OP

That sounds awful Properjob.

Btw I'm going to get a tattoo I think, that says 'happiness is for other people'. Maybe that might indicate to my friends and family that all is not well.

I keep hearing about an online counselling service which is free, and accessible to all. Called something like Esio? They're playing the ads on my local radio station.

I echo all the others. Get yourself out of the marriage.

I finally confided in my DM a few months ago. She nodded sagely, and said 'I've been waiting for you to say something'. I haven't told her everything and I wouldn't. It's just nice to know that I have someone on my side.

Please at least talk to a good lawyer. If he finds out and goes mental, then you call the police, just as you would with anyone else who goes mental! And I am sure your family has noticed your unhappiness; I bet you could tell them he's being unfaithful and have more support than you can imagine. You need someone on your side that is not on the other side of a screen.

Women's Aid? Have you tried talking to them? They seem to be really good at helping women who think they are stuck in a bad situation. Try them, too!

Thanks Airborne. I'd love a mum like that. Mine couldn't give a flying fuck as long as I'm not darkening her door.

been there.
I would say don't open up to people youre not really really close to,did that a few times & ended up regretting it.

Unless someone's got your back 100% I think they won't want to hear your problems & will just dismiss or say something generic which makes you feel worse.

Couple of things that have helped:

mumsnet!! Always someone to talk to, straight talking or woolly it has helped me through some bad years

Second is counseling on my own. Just recently started but wish I'd found this lady before. She really helps me to sort out my thoughts & be able to understand ex, me & childhood issues

My family really haven't noticed. I see them once every three months or so, often without my husband present. They know very little about me really, not even sure most of them know what I do for a living.

I'm very careful who I talk to about anything. My childhood experiences have made me a closed book. I trust no one. What hurts the most is that my husband spent 15 years building up my trust, getting me to share my skef with him, whilst at the same time lying and lying to me about who he was. I feel tricked and hoodwinked. All those lies he told me about loving me and caring about me when really he was just happy I was stupid enough not to spot what was under my nose.

I was terrified of leaving too, felt trapped for years but I just changed one day & thought about the terror of still being in this situation in 10 or more years. You only get one life! I am much poorer but much richer at the same time, its crushing your inner self to listen to his words.

How about steeling yourself for a Frank conversation with him? Just lay it out. Im unhappy & I want out. I dont want to fight, lets keep it civil for the kids etc. My ex was initially very angry and threatened all sorts but I just kept steely & repeating if necessary (with daily mn support) & he eventually accepted it. We then went through about 6 months of him living away but still being very angry & trying to punish me through the kids and re money.
It was the most stressful time & I had constant butterfly's in my stomach but at the same time I just thought I have to sit this out. Anyway he gradually stopped playing games, partly because he could finally see how much it stressed dc & partly because it wasnt working.
Its a long old road with a difficult ex but these days i am so relaxed! I can actually eat without it getting trapped in my throat!! I can see him without panicking about what hes going to do/say.
And regarding money - i do struggle but also I have an attitude of need rather than want. I dont actually need as much as i had to live on. Just the basics. And I'm far far happier living that way.
You will be too, just take baby steps and dont rush if youre worried about his temper. Playing the long game worked for me in the end
Oh and as far as other people go, you can just say it wasnt working anymore or something generic. I don't think anyone ever has grilled me for specific reasons!

Dust - sounds like some counselling on your own would be a really good idea.

I've found that my marriage (since it's deteriorated) has flagged up a lot of stuff that I've buried for a Loooooong time. It's taken me almost a year, but I think I've found someone to go and see. My first appointment is in a couple of weeks time. I'm looking forward to offloading onto someone in an effort to see the wood from the trees. It's probably not going to be easy, but I think the results will be worth it.

I love my mum to bits, but this is really a 'job' for a third party.