Big drunken row over his phone... 😕

[WhateverNameIsStillAvailable]

Hi all.
Me and fiance had a big row last night... I had one too many and just blurted out why he never leaves his phone around?
I do trust him so not sure where it came from.
I asked about when he's going to the toilet and he said that's the best time to check ur phone or play games...
Then about the shower... he said he puts on music...
Which he does in fairness.
I just wanted to know why I'm never allowed on his phone... not that I want to but my Internet was slow so wanted to Google something on his. He did it for me and showed me. I wanted to Google something else and he took it and did it again... it just seemed odd.
Almost as if he's afraid I'd see something if I pressed a button wrong or something.
It turned into a huge thing and he said it's a thing he has since he's been with his ex... more than 11 years ago ffs!!
Aparently she used to go through his phone and not let him watch anything with girls in bikinis etc so way over the top jealous. It's why he broke up I think.
But that was ages ago and I'm not like that... haha at least not till last night.
He often uses my phone for games.

I do feel quite bad about it all now but he's in a huff... still... 😣

Oh he said sure look through it then but I'll feel differently about you if you do.
I said I don't think he's having an affair or anything I was just wondering. I obviously didn't go through it.

I apologised for being a total dumbo and blamed it partly on the cocktails 😣
He's still not really talking to me.

I'm starting to think he's being a bit of a drama queen here... or maybe I am... I'd just like to move on now and make up.

I'd take him at his word and look through it, although he's probably deleted stuff he doesn't want you to see by now.

It isn't normal to be so possessive of a phone unless you have something to hide.

I take my phone everywhere with me.
Don't think it's a sign of anything unless there is something else.

How would you feel if he randomly questioned why was doing something and then wanted too check your property?
Even though I would have nothing too hide I would be pissed at my husband for coming at me like that.

People can be quite possessive of their phones. DP and I do exactly the same as above when we need something done on the other phones though we do let each other hold them when being asked to watch funny videos. Our phones are beside us at bedtime and play music/radio an lot of the time. They are rarely away from arms reach.

You have basically said you don't trust your fiance. The alcohol has removed an inhibition in terms of your thinking and you have doubts about your fiance. Which you need to think about why. Either that or you have been on here to many times and believe that every man should present his phone for inspection (although for some reason when men want to see women's phones that's really bad).

You're right. I've apologised like I said as I do think I was in the wrong. I've no idea what came over me I basically thought it was weird cause I'm not like that.

Thank you for making me see sense. I know he doesn't have an affair!!! So it's not that. And I'm usually not jealous.
He is the jealous one really.
I don't even want to see through his phone.

Thank you I think grovelling is on the agenda. I'd probably feel like he doesn't trust me if he had been like that to me.

Oh and I never asked to look through his phone I only questioned why he won't let me Google it myself and got totally into it... ugh I feel even worse now.

My phone is my phone. There are privtae converstations, my diary, emails etc in there.

For me its the same as reading someones diary. I caught dh looking going through my phone in the middle of the night and nearly ended the marriage. It was one of the things he did that made me realise how controlling he was becoming. Previously i did let him use it if he asked. No issue. Not anymore.

If we had of split, I can imagine seeing it as a huge red flag if a partner started going on about my phone. As a result of dh going through my phone i changed my passcode and rarely leave it around.

Huh. He's the jealous one usually? Sooo he's allowed to question what you do, but you're not allowed to question him or he'll huff at length?

And he previously had an "unreasonably" jealous girlfriend but was totally innocent, but can now use that against you. Hmmm.

category because no woman in the history of relationships has been unreasonably jealous. There are plenty of threads on here, Where a woman has admitted due to past shit relationship they are insecure and paranoid in new relationships with no need in being so.

His phone, he doesn't have too hand it over.

He does get quite jealous yes but he'd try not to let it show. More so when I go out with friends. But that doesn't mean he won't let me go.
I trust him so he can have my phone if he needs it. I only questioned it because it's no big deal for me but it is to him.
Which makes sense after being with an over jealous girl before.

I do take responsibility on this one and admit I was wrong.
It's obviously a big deal to him cause he's still angry. I didn't think of it as such a big deal.
I think I'll leave him be for now until he comes to me.
I've apologised and there's not much more I can do now.

He's giving me the silent treatment. .. I guess he got that from me lol

Is it silent treatment?

Or is he is still pissed off and just needs some time.

Because thete is a difference. Punishment by silent treatment, is a dick move

I suppose he needs time sorry for the wording.
It was obviously a bigger deal to him than I realized.
If the shoe was on the other foot I'd have been angry too but if he had apologised I'd have moved on. But then I didn't have an over jealous ex.

Thank you all for your opinions.

Yes, KungFu, but also plenty of occasions where one partner projects their own behaviour on the other, or where someone feels there's something a bit off about their partner's behaviour and it turns out they're having a an affair. It can be lots of things. Depends on the bigger picture of which we're only seeing a snapshot.

Am I the only one who thinks he's being a bit of a dick too here?

No.

Lol thanks desmondo 😂 I did think that at first but only it takes him alays longer to get over things. It's obviously bothered him more than it would bother me.

But I'm pretty easy going.

And no there are no twinges or feelings of him cheating on me AT ALL. so I've no idea how it escalated 😨

Booze'll do that.

Do you read Mumsnet a lot? In the name of total honesty (and risking making myself sound like a nutter), if I've been on a 'Mumsnet Relationships' binge it sometimes makes me a bit anxious and sensitive. The cell-phone thing is a really common theme throughout the posts about infidelity so maybe it's gotten to you a bit if you do often read it.

Or you were just drunk and went off the deep-end about something that probably isn't really that big of a deal - you wouldn't be the first

Aparently she used to go through his phone and not let him watch anything with girls in bikinis etc so way over the top jealous.

Is he 12? I do not think you did anything wrong. No need to grovel.

He's maybe not cheating, but totally looking at porn or flirting with a work friend. The moodiness is punishment to discourage you from asking again.

Trust your instincts OP, if something doesnt feel right then you know he's hiding something

My phone is private. I don't want anyone using it.

I don't see why he can use your phone but you can't use his.

I tend to keep my phone with meall of the time but if I'm showing DH photos then he usually takes my phone to have a look through so he can see them better. I don't want him on my phone because 'it's mine' but I still let him use it.

DH and I keep our phones private.

If it's just the phone then you're being a bit silly. There's obviously more to it than that, though and you need to have a sober conversation about what happened.

You've apologised now and explained your reasons so why is he still punishing you? He's not totally blameless here.

There's no need for him to be so possessive of his phone. He wouldn't let you hold it to Google something? I find that odd and just feeding into your insecurities.

He's totally overreacting. He can't use his previous gf's behaviour against you or hint at leaving you.
He's escalated this into a total drama, starring himself as the victim.

I think he doth protest too much..

You've apologised now and explained your reasons so why is he still punishing you?

Apologising doesn't solve the reason the person is sad or angry in the first place. As soon as an apology is said your feelings don't just go away.

He's not punishing her; things just take time.