Big drunken row over his phone... 😕

[WhateverNameIsStillAvailable]

Hi all.
Me and fiance had a big row last night... I had one too many and just blurted out why he never leaves his phone around?
I do trust him so not sure where it came from.
I asked about when he's going to the toilet and he said that's the best time to check ur phone or play games...
Then about the shower... he said he puts on music...
Which he does in fairness.
I just wanted to know why I'm never allowed on his phone... not that I want to but my Internet was slow so wanted to Google something on his. He did it for me and showed me. I wanted to Google something else and he took it and did it again... it just seemed odd.
Almost as if he's afraid I'd see something if I pressed a button wrong or something.
It turned into a huge thing and he said it's a thing he has since he's been with his ex... more than 11 years ago ffs!!
Aparently she used to go through his phone and not let him watch anything with girls in bikinis etc so way over the top jealous. It's why he broke up I think.
But that was ages ago and I'm not like that... haha at least not till last night.
He often uses my phone for games.

I do feel quite bad about it all now but he's in a huff... still... 😣

Oh he said sure look through it then but I'll feel differently about you if you do.
I said I don't think he's having an affair or anything I was just wondering. I obviously didn't go through it.

I apologised for being a total dumbo and blamed it partly on the cocktails 😣
He's still not really talking to me.

I'm starting to think he's being a bit of a drama queen here... or maybe I am... I'd just like to move on now and make up.

Apologising to me means admitting you're wrong and asking for forgiveness. Op feels awful and wants to make things right. Why should his feelings take precedence on this?

I still think he's completely overreacting and needs to get over himself. I can't stand sulking.
Op will be walking on eggshells in future if this is how he reacts to any disagreements.

It's the double standard in this situation that seems a bit off to me. He won't let you use his phone but happily uses yours. Fair enough if his phone is totally private but why wouldn't he assume that you'd want the same courtesy extended to you and your phone?

It's probably nothing but just be aware for anything else that bothers you.

The op states that he needs time rather than sulking. She knows him we dont. So we cant assume he is sulking.

It also depends on the apologym if she said sorry but its obvious she still wants a look at his phone its nit really an apology.

Also if you have been in a controlling relationship and see a similar issue rearing its head, it can take a while to work it through in your head. And a while to decide if its a one off or an issue and wether you want to be in the relationship.

Or he could hust be a dick. Its hard to tell.

I think it's probably all innocent but one thing you do need to stop doing is letting him go on your phone. Treat your phone exactly how he treats his, see how he likes it.
If he grabs your phone for a game say can you get off please I don't want you going on my phone

I'm v protective of my phone. I've never cheated. And I'd go so far as to say that in any relationship I've been in, I've never even had the slightest inclination to look elsewhere. However, I've previously been in some very controlling relationships, where everything about me has been questioned to the point I've lost myself in the past. The types of books I read (on my phone). The friends I have and our conversations, the (v innocent) web sites I look at, to the point where I felt I just wasn't allowed to be me. So I guess that's why I'm so protective.

The partners I've had in the past have also been very protective of their phones. Some of them have been up to no good, and eventually, usually, the truth comes out, even though I've never snooped. And I think if they had wanted to keep stuff hidden they would manage it. So I just have to trust my gut. And if I don't, I know it's not the right relationship for me.

I'm maybe going against the grain here but that is exactly what my husband used to say. Blamed it on a previous controlling relationship, said he listened to music in bathroom, watched things on his phone, wouldn't let me google things - he had to do it and show me etc. Turned out he was cheating on me and that was why he would never let me touch his phone. No other signs at all. I don't think anyone on here can tell you - we can only tell you our experiences. It may be innocent or it may not be.

Pretend you've lost your phone, get friend to ring you on his number and say sorry have to take this in private and walk off with his phone.

His reaction will tell you everything.

OP, put a password on your phone. Don't let him borrow yours anymore.

I would keep an eye out for porn/cheating.

So he freely uses your phone but thinks it's acceptable that you can't use his?

Fuck that!

His answers to your original question,
Why don't you ever leave your phone lying around? are pretty flimsy. He thinks the best time to check his phone and play games are when he's going to the toilet? Even for a wee?

Your second question, Why am I never allowed to use your phone? is because he had a jealous girlfriend 11 years ago?

That coupled with "going off in a huff" and the silent treatment for hours, his jealousy and his disregard for your phone privacy... he sounds horrible actually.

My point being I don't think it was unreasonable to ask why he guards his phone all the time, I would have asked the same if it was me.
I don't think you're the bad guy for asking and it shouldn't have blown up into a row of epic proportions.

That said, hopefully you've sorted it out now and you've both put it down to being drunk a bit emotional..

I don't let anyone else have my phone and nor do I expect to be able to view DH's phone.

My phone is my diary/calendar, my personal contacts, my personal emails, my bank account access. No way do I want anyone else to use it. I would react the way your OH has, I'm afraid.

Would you never leave it lying around the house though Topseyt?
Take it to the toilet, never let it out of your sight and refuse to let your dh use it if his phone was playing up?

I think that was the issue OP thought was weird. I think it's weird too. She wasn't asking to go through his phone, just curious as to why he was guarding it at all times.

I take my phone everywhere with me - it's a bit of a standing joke - but DH has the password, not that he remembers it, so can access if he wants.

I'd be peeved if someone could access mine but I wasn't allowed to access theirs.

Ilost, no. I never leave it lying around. It is mine, and mine alone. I don't let anyone use it without me being with them. Not necessarily taken to the toilet with me, but it is PIN protected.

Call me as weird as you like, but NOBODY is having my phone. If DH's is playing up he sorts it himself using his computer, tablet, laptop etc.

Incidentally, nobody is allowed to use MY laptop or tablet either. All are PIN protected.

I just consider them part of MY personal space.

Oh you'd hate it in our house Topseyt , we all share a laptop and tablets and phones are left lying around willy nilly .

It's a valid point I suppose; being more about personal space than necessarily having something to hide. We all have different boundaries.

He's jealous
He doesn't like it when you go out with your friends
He got angry when you expressed insecurity about the fact that he keeps his phone with him all the time (which can be cause for suspicion, even if it isn't in this case, so you weren't completely unreasonable to be a bit worried)
He blames an ex from years ago for current behaviour
He is giving you the silent treatment

These are all red flags. Does he do anything else from this list of signs of emotional abuse?

Ilost, I guess we have just evolved the way we have. We all have our own laptops, tablets etc. Mine are often used for work, so cannot be shared anyway.

DD1 has just graduated from university, but obviously needed all of her own stuff whilst away there during term time. DD2 is 19 and at college doing courses that involve heavy use of computers so has her own too or nobody else would ever get a look in. She wants to get into designing computer graphics and games bin years to come. She saved towards hers and bought with a little bit of help from us.

That left DD3, who is now 15. She needs hers a fair bit for school work too.

I did try to have them all sharing as you describe many years ago, but as they grew up and demands grew too it just ceased to work and was easier all around to have our own.

My oldest is only 15 so I guess we'll end up with all the dc with their own laptops and devices when they're older and move onto college and the like.
I better start saving up now Topseyt. It sounds expensive!

We aren't wealthy. It is expensive, but happens over several years.