Reassure me

[LinManWellWellWell]

Just looking for some reassurance. Have been married 15 years. Miserable for 90% of it due to EA that I've only recently become aware of (am doing the freedom program online. Revelations include that Apparently it's NOT a normal thing to be woken up because dh is having sex with you whilst you sleep. And then says 'you don't need to wake up...just sleep'. This happened many times in the early years '). Can't believe the crap I put up with. Constant criticism/correction etc. In some ways things have improved over the last few years but in other ways they haven't...because it does still happen sometimes and the whole family (2 dc) are tiptoeing around him at the mercy of his moods.
So my dilemma is...I decided last week to file for divorce. But we are in the middle of remortgaging which means I can't do anything for a couple of months because our finances need to be in order. I'm googling lawyers, emailing women's aid etc in the background whilst I wait. I don't know exactly the financial side but according to the 'entitled to' website I should have enough benefits to be able to stay in the house with the children. I don't know if he will leave willingly..

I'm just finding it hard because I feel like I'm leading a double life. He's so hot and cold and I get so confused so I have a notepad open on my phone where I'm jotting down all the complaints/criticism/things the kids say (dd yesterday said 'mummy, all baby boys are not grouchy, but ALL big boys are grouchy.' She is 4 and her view of men is already set.) Please just encourage me that I'm doing the right thing and that I can stick it out. There is no spare room so I have to share a bed with him..roll on September.

Sounds like you are doing great. Well done on the strength you're showing. What a great example to your kids.

Stop the remortgage. If you have to move, change the mortgage or whatever you may be subject to an early redemption charge.

A divorce is one of the largest financial upheavals you can face so you need to make sure it's as uncomplicated as possible and not to be facing charges you don't need.

I don't know about the finances (I have a thread about that), but yes, you're doing the right thing, you sound strong. Keep going. It took me years and a lot of help from this place but I did. You can too.

Get financial advice now from a suitably qualified adviser. You need to make sure that you have a clear plan.

Honestly, I would get proceedings underway - remortgage or not. At the very least go for a brief legal consultation on the financial side of things.

You're definitely doing the right thing, but leading a double life for the next couple of months sounds unnecessarily stressful.

Thanks. The remortgage is simply because our fixed term is up and if we leave it we go into a much more expensive rate. So I'm a way I feel it needs to be sorted first.

But this is all good advice. I guess I'm just worried he will complicate things if I announce the divorce now.
Thanks for all the encouragement!!

Yes be careful re mortgage. What if he doesn't agree to you staying in the house with the children? My ex wouldn't and we had to sell up. How would you afford the mortgage on your own? What if he doesn't contribute? Get legal advice before you do anything more. (Sounds like you are doing the right thing re ending it.)

Poor you OP, he's been raping you, I am so sad for you, please don't hang about, get on with what you have to do and get yourself and your innocent children away from this vile disgusting person.

You don't announce anything until you are ready, good luck, you can do this!

Thank you, and yes, I'm sad for me too. My younger innocent self who just wanted to be a good wife. I've spent 15 years trying to make him happy.
When people say 'get legal advice ', is that just a case of google a local solicitor? Is there something special I'm looking for? I'm scared of someone not understanding/minimising etc

Struggling a bit today. I get a knot in my stomach when he talks down to me. I always thought it was fear. Today I realised its rage! But I can't let it out because I need everything to be ready first.

OP, please be careful re-mortgaging. If you go ahead with this, make sure your new deal does not have EARLY REPAYMENT FEES!! I recently separated from my exP and have accepted an offer on our house. We are only 1 year into a 2yr fixed term and its costing £5k in fees to pay the mortgage off early.
You are doing the right thing divorcing this horrible man though. Do the very best for your children and show them what a healthy relationship should be.

Thanks isitjust. So did you sell the house? Am hoping to stay in it and cover the mortgage myself (I'll have help from my parents). But if course he may not be thrilled about this!!

Yes the house is currently in the process of selling. We accepted an offer a couple of months ago so just waiting on solicitors.

If your DH insists on being removed from the mortgage, you would have to take on the mortgage solely - no idea how easy that would be for you. I didn't even bother trying as I know I would never get a big enough mortgage on my own. Even with help from parents, not sure the bank would take that into account.

When transferring the mortgage, there will be a fee but my bank told me it would only be £250 (they may all differ).

I would see a solicitor and also a financial advisor to see if keeping the house on is an option.

Oh dear I feel stressed now. Will definitely seek advice.

The house is not the most important thing here, its just bricks and mortar. I couldn't care less about our house, only that me and the kids are happy.
Do not stress about that, things will work out. Be strong and concentrate on getting this rapist out of your life (which is what he is).

Thank you and yes you are absolutely right. Just don't want to put the kids through any more upheaval than necessary.

Kids are resilient. As long as they know you love them, that's all that matters.

Well I've just told him I want a divorce. He was pushing me about why I'm acting like I don't care about him. I explained it was a direct consequence of his own behaviour, then he said 'I only get stressy about things I've already asked you about, like cleaning and tidying' I said I'd been trying to clean and tidy and do things on a way that makes him happy and I just.dont.care.anymore. He said well where does that leave our future as a family? So I told him. He was quiet and sad and agreed with everything I said. I feel awful. It's much easier when he's being horrible. He talked about suicide too. Good job I read about the script in here...so that's it. My marriage is over.

You didn't cause your marriage to break down. He did. He's not being nice or reasonable, he's trying to keep you trapped. You are doing absolutely the right thing

Thank you. He's been locked in the downstairs toilet for nearly an hour. I keep being tempted to knock on the door and check he's ok...but don't want to give him control. I didn't expect to feel so...empty.

Leave him to it OP. You've been so brave tonight. It's going to be difficult but stay strong. He will try anything now to persuade you to change your mind. Just focus on your future when you're rid of him

Can you go out for a bit? Or is there anyone supportive you can ring? I think you're absolutely right not to engage with his histrionics but it must be nearly impossible to ignore

It's really quiet in there..