Reassure me

[LinManWellWellWell]

Just looking for some reassurance. Have been married 15 years. Miserable for 90% of it due to EA that I've only recently become aware of (am doing the freedom program online. Revelations include that Apparently it's NOT a normal thing to be woken up because dh is having sex with you whilst you sleep. And then says 'you don't need to wake up...just sleep'. This happened many times in the early years '). Can't believe the crap I put up with. Constant criticism/correction etc. In some ways things have improved over the last few years but in other ways they haven't...because it does still happen sometimes and the whole family (2 dc) are tiptoeing around him at the mercy of his moods.
So my dilemma is...I decided last week to file for divorce. But we are in the middle of remortgaging which means I can't do anything for a couple of months because our finances need to be in order. I'm googling lawyers, emailing women's aid etc in the background whilst I wait. I don't know exactly the financial side but according to the 'entitled to' website I should have enough benefits to be able to stay in the house with the children. I don't know if he will leave willingly..

I'm just finding it hard because I feel like I'm leading a double life. He's so hot and cold and I get so confused so I have a notepad open on my phone where I'm jotting down all the complaints/criticism/things the kids say (dd yesterday said 'mummy, all baby boys are not grouchy, but ALL big boys are grouchy.' She is 4 and her view of men is already set.) Please just encourage me that I'm doing the right thing and that I can stick it out. There is no spare room so I have to share a bed with him..roll on September.

Have been messaging a friend who's v supportive. Can't really go out but might go and stay with my parents for a few days tomorrow.

Hold onto that strength . He will try every trick in the book to break it down. You've down so well and you've been so brave to be upfront and honest with him. Hang in there. This was the horrid bit but equally there will be some more horrible challenges ahead and all you can do is deal with each one as they arise.

Yes it will be OP. It's an attempt to manipulate you. Stay strong and ignore him

Well done OP! Keep strong.. YOU are in control now, not him! Just stay out of his way today. Keep yourself occupied

He's fine, he's playing games. Put on some music or a film or clean out your cupboards or anything at all that will distract you. Staying with parents tomorrow sounds like a really good idea

Don't have any advice really, just wanted to say how brave and strong you must be

Thanks trouty I feel the opposite right now!!

You're doing great.
Standing up to someone who's been EA and messed with your head/ your view of yourself is really hard.
Well done you. Of course you can't settle for this life, not for you, not for DC.You both deserve better.
It's hard, but there will be a huge relief when it's done.

Well he emerged from the toilet and asked to talk. He begged for another chance. I talked him through a number of the shitty things he's done and then told him it was crap I was sitting here feeling guilty for upsetting him by telling him the things he's done to upset me! Anyway I agreed to wait until September (I have no plan to change my mind) as that will make the summer more pleasant. But he talked about his depression and cultural differences and I told him it sounded a lot like he was starting to make excuses.

Good work OP you won that round. You can probably keep things reasonably pleasant as long as he thinks he has a chance of winning you over but it might be important to have a Plan B for if things get nasty - would your parents help if necessary?

As for his attempt to explain himself ... I'm pretty certain that being an emotionally abusive rapist is not a symptom of depression and if it's genuinely condoned by his culture then you're probably better off with someone with a different set of cultural beliefs

You are an amazing woman OP.

Writing this just to clear my thoughts. You know that bit in Tangled (which should be compulsory viewing for anyone in an abusive relationship. Also, spoiler alert) where Eugene cuts Rapunzel's hair? Cut off from her life source the evil 'mother' plunges from the tower to her death. The bit that always strikes me is that even as her 'mother' is falling, and knowing that she is free, Rapunzel still reaches out her arms as if trying to save her. It's so...accurate! That's how I feel right now. I'm cutting off my stbxh (yes, I can finally write that!) but inwardly I still feel like I'm reaching out trying to save him. It's horrible. Fortunately I've seen the end of the film so I know this is the only way to find my true self and who I truly am...

Am shattered though!

It sounds bloody exhausting. And of course you are allowed to grieve your relationship - the 15 years of trying to make it work, the 10% that wasn't miserable - the way it should have been compared to the way it was

Don't doubt yourself. You are right to do this.

Op

Don't feel sorry for this man.

He is dysfunctional and he has spent the last 15 years projecting that onto you and the children.

He will never change. He was in that bathroom trying to come up with a strategy to change your mind. It has worked?

He will start working on you, being nice to you and the kids - attempting to confuse you and make you wonder why you ever wanted to leave in the first place.

His mask will slip though. Do not buy into his rubbish.

No guy would be nice and happy if he truly believed his marriage was over. He would want to go right away (financially permitting or practically permitting - stay with relatives perhaps)

Because you don't care you have all the power.

Do not start caring again. Lay down the ground rules. Be safe though.

This coward will not commit suicide although I suspect he will threaten to a few more times yet.

Tell your family and friends that it's over, keep communicating with us.

Thanks all. He's just looking very very sad at the moment....but we're going to my parents (without him) for a couple of nights to get some headspace. And sleep!

His persuasion hasn't worked. I'm just letting him think he has a little time so that I can sort some things out...

Here's hoping you have a well-earned rest!

Argh my mum came to pick us up. I've felt so strong and the minute I saw her I crumpled and haven't stopped crying since. Why is it so painful? I was impatient to do this and I feel devastated. I've been desperate to get away and now I miss him. It's horrible.

I'm glad you are somewhere safe for a bit. Have a really good cry & let your mum look after you. This is a massive thing you're doing here, you're probably going to have all sorts of crazy mood swings while it all shakes down. Look after yourself

Got back from my parent's today to a letter each for me and the children. For the kids it was apologising for being a bad dad and shouting at mummy, saying he's been unwell (depression) and is starting medication and should be much better soon. Mine was much longer, apologising for trying to force his own agenda on me throughout our marriage. Wishing he could start again etc etc.

It's been really messing with my head as part of me thinks that for my own sanity (and in case the kids ask me in the future) I want to be able to say that I gave him every opportunity to change.

I chatted with my parents yesterday. We don't usually do talking about feelings, but they were really helpful. My Dad said if I do want to give him a 'chance' there need to be criteria...he needs to do some kind of perpetrator course/stay on his anti depressants/see a mentor or similar who he's accountable to for his behaviour. And I shouldn't give him any deadline so that I'm free to go ahead with the divorce at any given time.

I don't know if any of this will work. Tried to call Women's Aid today but left a message in the end. Need some advice.

I don't think you owe him another chance. If you really want to give him one, I think your dad is right to suggest setting conditions.

I would very strongly suggest he should move out (and for a substantial period of time) while he proves to you that he is capable of change. If he is serious about relinquishing his attempts to control you, he will understand the reason for giving you some space and be keen to work to regain your trust. If he's just trying to get you back under control so he can reinstate the status quo, he'll move heaven and earth to stay put. If I were you I would make that the first condition and see how he reacts.

Your parents sound fabulous btw. And so do you! Keep trying WA & look after yourself

Aah thanks genghis . My parents only learnt of all this (well the bits I've shared with them) a week ago and they've really stepped up. It does really help. The idea of him moving out for a bit is an interesting one and one I hadn't thought of. Definitely would show his commitment level.