EA partner just left me! Hand hold please?

[numbandlost]

Just that really I've stood by him through depression emotional abuse an affair and he was the one who finished with me!
Never felt so low! Feel pathetic!

The minute he thinks you're coping without him he will try and reel you back in
Obviously no one can tell you what to do
But do you want to be picked up and dropped like this for the next 10-20 years of your life.
It's a pattern, only you can break it if you want to

My children are always my number one priority that's why I want to get strong!!!

I realise this sounds childish but feel like it hurts more because I wish I'd been the one to say it and end it. After everything I have supported him through he is the one who doesn't want me! I want him to regret it and show some remorse.

This is exactly how i felt. I should of dumped his stupid arse when he first called me fat. But i didnt.. and i am learning to live with that. I know it feels crap that he took that decision away from you but you probably would of put up with it for many more years. Sometimes were scared or dont feel strong enough to leave or kick them out. He really did do you a massive favour. He isnt your problem anymore. When my ex got a new gf 2 weeks later i was devesatated! And although i wouldnt wish on any other women what he did to me i just thank my lucky stars that he is her problem now and not mine and you will feel this way eventually

That's one of my worries but I'm trying to tell myself that just because he meets someone else doesn't mean that he will be a totally changed man and be a great boyfriend.
Also that just because he's left me hopefully he isn't just going to be magically suddenly really happy.
I don't want his life to be happier and easier without me.

He's on his way and my heart is pounding out of my chest

How did it go

It didn't go too bad I've just had to put on my happy smiley mum face.
He looked bad he looked knackered and upset so I guess that's something.
He knows I am going out tonight and seemed a bit put out by it and was like so that will be why you're so happy but just tried my best to ignore him

Just got home from a horrible night out that friends insisted I go on.
It was fucking horrible and I'm just going to go cry myself to sleep.
Just full of horrible letchy men who think they have a right to put their hands on you. Feel sick and it makes me want to call him but I won't!
Ok bedtime!

Dear Numb,
You're probably too raw to make much of a big night out. Don't blame yourself. There will be fun times again for you. Lairy men are a pita whatever your mental state. How bloody dare they!

Yeah I think maybe it was too fresh. Haven't coped well today feeling tired and emotional but tomorrow is another day and I'm going to try keep busy as possible.

I'm really not coping today at all! I don't know how you have all got through it! Really tearful, feel sick, chest pains the whole works.
So hard when there's children involved because i have to deal with him and I'm going to have to co parent with him and right now I don't want that.

I am in the exact same position as you are numbandlost except my partner (can't say ex yet) won't leave. He told me over a week ago he didn't love me anymore. He's giving me mixed signals and everytime I've asked him to leave seeing as all this is his doing he hasn't left. It's driving me mad living f under the same roof as him. I love him so.much and he knows this.

Same thing happened to me over years ago after 10 years of marriage and two children. Turned out he was having an affair with someone a lot younger than him ( and me). Initially I wanted him back. I am now so glad that didn't happen, I now am with a wonderful man who loves and respects me. Have a sweet little house. It's been hard for the children, but they are resilient and fine. My parents and friends were amazing, and helped me through everything both practically and emotionally. It is soooo hard at first and I know it seems hard to believe but I promise you you good things are in store for you and you will be strong and happy. Incidentally ex is no longer with other women he left me for...

How are you feeling numb ? Have you had any contact?

Thanks everyone for the replies I'm still here I'm struggling im trying to be strong but it just hurts so bad! Every night I go to bed and hope in the morning I'll wake up feeling a little brighter and stronger but I wake up feeling crushed every morning. I know it's early days but at the moment every day feels like a week.
Yes vodka it's hard because I'm trying to be calm and civil for the kids but it's so hard not to be pulled in to conversations. I know I have to respect his decision and walk away with some dignity but I just need to scream and shout and cry.

That's a really good idea thank you. I will do that tonight.
I can't wait to get to the place where I feel happy he has gone.

After everything I have supported him through he is the one who doesn't want me! I totally get why you feel like this, it's just so unjust! However, one day you will realise he has done you a massive favour and whichever way it came about, he has given you your freedom - take it and run!

My EA ex met someone, moved in, seemed to have a nice life with her and our DCs when they visited once a week. Turned out she wasn't very supportive of him when he was struggling with depression - karma bitch!

To be fair, we get on ok now and spend time with the DCs all together sometimes. I have a great life - attentive loving partner, bit of time off when the kids are with dad, bit of time to myself. Best thing that ever happened to me, even though my world imploded when it actually happened.

Keep in mind the things which you now know were EA - if you have any threads on here I suggest rereading them as you might have forgotten how bad things were. You are still coming to terms with losing the control over this situation, so be gentle on yourself and look to the future, imagine what your life looks like in a year or two. Then do everything you can to make that a reality.

I'm actually ashamed to say that he turned up today to talk and I cried and asked him to consider trying again he said no he doesn't want to be with anymore done no going back! I feel sick can't stop crying made an absolute fool of myself

I thought you said he was abusive?

It is not ok to subject your children to domestic abuse. I can understand that you are suffering but how about you think about the children and the trauma they have suffered due to his abuse?

You seem to be able to forget his actions so that you can have your own needs met?

Please think about your self respect and what you want for your own future and your children's futures

He was abusive in the fact that he was controlling of me and admitted himself he manipulated me at times.
I've been told by woman's aid and netmums that's abusive behaviour although I didn't realise that at the time.
He never beat me or anything like that and the children have no idea what's going on!

I'm honestly not a bad mum I adore my children and always try my best for them.
I would never put my own wants and needs above theirs ever.
The fact they are crying for their daddy and missing him and just want him home makes this whole thing even harder.

That's a bit unfair QuiteLikely - numb is obviously struggling and won't be the first person to try and get back with an unsuitable partner. It's hard when you miss someone, and your DCs miss them too, to accept that your life is better without them.

You haven't made a fool of yourself numb but at least now you know where you stand. You need to find your anger - remember the things that have been labelled EA, remember his affair and note his responses at the moment to your distress. These are not the actions of a loving man.

It may not feel like it now, but one day you will mentally thank him for not taking you up on your offer! If you want to talk about some of the things that have been flagged as EA to get another opinion that might help? It doesn't sound like you are convinced. x

Feedme thanks for replying it's just so confusing he tells me no it's done no going back but then he's texting me and yesterday was supposed to be here visiting the children and he was just following me room to room so I've told him he can't be coming in anymore then so I've been labelled as a bitch, unreasonable and trying to stop him seeing his children. I would never stop access the children adore him and he loves them too.
Yes that might be really helpful to get another perspective. I am on the mobile app and I can't figure out how to message you.

I've spoken to women's aid after another meltdown today. He is still trying to control my actions and feelings even though he's left me. They were very kind and said there is lots of help they can offer to help me find my voice and stand up to him. I cried I felt so grateful for some support!

Still awake and still in tears I'll be up with the kids in a few hours!
I don't know how you all got through this but you're much stronger than me.