Man messaging my wife, emotional affair or not?

[marinebeach]

I am writing here as I need some advice on a particular subject. I am a married man in my thirties as is my wife and we have a son under 2. We have been together for 15 years and married for the last 3 of those.
Basically there is a male colleague at my wife's work that fancies her and it all started a few months before we got married. This new bloke started at her work one day and for a good few months I only heard his name crop us very occasionally and within a professional manner, however she is very close to her group of work colleagues and calls them 'best friends' even though I have never been introduced to them and they weren't invited to our wedding. Anyhow overtime his name cropped up a lot more and this time in a more friendly and flirty way then before. I had never met the guy, she and her work mates would go for drinks twice a month and I would never be invited. She would sometimes come home so late and so drunk without letting me know she was OK, she would ignore my texts or text 'home in an hour' and then be back 4 hours later. I would ask her about this behavior and she would always get defensive and tell me I am being silly etc.
I then noticed this bloke was all over her social media pages, liking and commenting on every selfie she had taken but avoided any pictures of me or of us together. I asked her to ask him if it was alright if he could maybe stop leaving 'likes' and 'wink eye' emojis and comments like 'sexy' etc on her pictures. We were getting married at this point and it was causing me anxiety with everything that was happening. She did tell him reluctantly but he still persisted. I asked her to ask him again as he was still doing it and she got mad, she got very defensive and said he was a really good friend and there is nothing going on and she just has to work with him. I felt I could have just been paranoid at this point but my gut feeling was that something was wrong. I suggested inviting the guy to our wedding if he was such a good friend but she denied it by saying she didn't want anyone from work there. She continued to go out with this guy and her work mates without me and I tried to ignore how uncomfortable I felt, until she would come home and drunkenly tell me that he had told her he really fancies her and 'would hit on her if she was single'. This happened a few times. I would question her the next day to which she would deny it but then say it was just harmless drunken chat etc.
We got married and he seemed to back off for a while but then there were late nights texts and snapchats from him. I happened to see one night whilst reading in bed, her phone flashed a few times and he was sending her pictures of selfies of himself he had taken. I asked her if she thought that was appropriate and she said no it wasn't but still defended his weird behavior. I got the impression he knew he was getting to me, so I messaged him and asked to meet for a beer so I could explain why his behavior was causing this situation. I met him and explained how I felt, I kept it cool and he apologised for making me feel awkward but not for actually behaving that way. He made a few comments that clearly suggested he has a thing for my wife but there was not much else I could do at that point, I had to accept his feeble apology and walk away. This seemed to work for a while as he backed off for a few months.
My wife then gave birth to our son and for roughly 18 months I heard not a peep from this guy until recently. After my wife finished her maternity leave and went back to work they started going out drinking again and he like before was suddenly all over her social media and texting her in the evenings, even after spending the day at work together. Yet again I told her how I feel, I just wanted her know and understand how it is from my end and again she got all defensive. She is very insistent on him being a 'best friend' but still to this day, I have never been invited out with her work lot even though others have their partners/spouses there. I get left looking after my son while she goes out and gets drunk, again ignores my texts and turns up at 4am in the morning, knowing full well I have work at 6am.
I saw her talking to him over email the other day, I was next to her on the sofa and she was asking him advice about her phone as it wasn't working properly and she needed to recover old photos. Eventually she recovered them but he made comments about them, like 'oh you were hot 5 years ago but you're so fit now' and 'wow, hot stuff' and 'i'd love to help you out any other way possible, wink wink'...
For me all this is crossing the line, it doesn't seem innocent and it's causing me such mental trauma. I have a mortgage and a little boy to think about now, and this guy still after 3 years and a face-to-face meeting has the audacity to flirt with my wife. I really want to be done with this situation once and for all but feel I am almost powerless, I have been reasonable and opened up my emotions but it's all to no avail clearly.
I don't believe my wife has slept with him or done anything but she does entertain his flirting and keeps me very separate from any situation he is involved in. Any help/advice will be greatly received as I feel I am lost and don't know how to deal with it anymore. I just want to move on and be a family without this awkward situation slowing us down.... Thanks!

She's taking the piss. It's an emotional affair even if it's not a physical one (and I wouldn't give it that long before it tips over into physical if she's so determined not to close him down).

There's no way on earth anyone on here should make excuses for her or condone this type of behaviour. They certainly wouldn't if it were you doing it to her (and I can bet she wouldn't like you texting a female "work colleague" at all hours).

On the drinking / going out thing, do you also get time to go and socialise with your friends / colleagues or is this a one way street? Do the two of you go out as a couple (either with or without dc)?

Trust your gut. TOTALLY inappropriate. Not only is she carrying on with an emotional affair under your nose, this has been going on for so long and you've had so many discussions about it, that she can't fail to know how much it upsets you and thereby showing that she has no respect for you or your feelings.

In your situation I would give her a final choice - you or him and then be prepared to leave. This will turn into years of jealous misery for you and you deserve better. Come down like a ton of bricks on her about him and see how she reacts.

It sounds like she is totally taking you for granted. How have you put up with this for so long? She is having an emotional affair & whilst she may well have stopped at that (for now) she is keeping you separate for a reason...very unfair on you. It may be that she is insecure & loves the knowledge that this guy wants her but she needs to stop. She's treating you like a doormat. Because she thinks she can & she has got away with it for so long. Time for an ultimatum I think. You've been too understanding for too long.

She's loving the attention he is giving her and she's loving how jealous it's making you.

I think she's the type that loves to have attention on her.

What should you do?

Tell her how even if he is a friend that messages like that aren't normal and ask what she would think if a woman sent the same thing to you? Would she really be OK with it?

If it still persists I think you have to decide whether you either ignore her behaviour or separate.

He's a bit of a toddler too as you've explicitly spoke to him about it but he owes you nothing I suppose.

I feel for you.

Hello, I feel for you, but I can relate to your wifes behaviour, not that I condone it one bit.
All my life I have suffered with body issues, and lapped up male attention. I lost a man I truly loved with my behaviour. When I was much younger, I was in a ltr and set to be married. He introduced me to his local pub, and I was soon accepted by the locals. I would flirt with many of the locals. Allowed semi-inappropriate touching. I knew it bothered my fiance, but brushed it off as harmless fun. There was this one guy....

He and fiance were not friends at all, and this guy had made it clear he had a thing for me. Not once did I intend to cheat, and I didn't, but my behaviour led to some arguments, in which I would accuse my fiance as not trusting me. And at the time I really did believe what I said, and I got angry with him.

As time went on, the flirting and groping that I allowed continued. My fiance put up with it. I eventually got a job behind the bar. One night while my fiance was at home, I was offered money to serve the guys beers while topless. It was very late and after hours. I accepted money off this man to do it. And 2 of the guys recorded me doing it on their phones.

Another night after my shift, I left the pub with this man to share a cab back home. It was 2am when we left. I got back home at 5am. I went back to his place. The guy tried it on with me, but I pushed him away and told him it was drinks only. He kept trying and groping, but I never let him. Though, I will confess I enjoyed the attention.

There are a few more things I could say but won't. Eventually my fiance left me. At the time I didn't see what I did wrong. It took many years of self reflection. And its only now in life I feel remorse for how I behaved, and take responsibility for driving my fiance away. At the time though, I kept throwing back his arguments of not respecting him, into him not trusting me. I didn't cheat on him. But I behaved like I did or would. It was not acceptable. Ironically, if another girl so much as talked to him, I grilled him for hours, even though his behaviour was very respectful.

This sounds like your wife. How I used to be. Though your wife is older than I, but it took a big loss in my life to realise what I had done. I have no easy answers for you. If your wife is like what I used to be, she will see nothing wrong with her behaviour. If you behaved like her, she will not relate it to hers at all, but will probably come down hard on you. If you threaten to leave, that might not change things. I only learned once I lost him. And by the time I realised (took 2 years) he had moved on and is now married to another woman. I am also with someone new, and will never behave like that again.

A very harsh opinion here of options. Stay with her and put up with it. She most likely will never physically cheat. Or walk away for good. A proper seperation and time is most likely is what is required for her to see what she has done.

Everyone deserves better than to be treated this way hun.

I meant tosser not toddler. Though he sounds just as immature.

Also like Sally my boundaries are quite fucked up as been assaulted by several men so I think subconsciously I think that's all I'm good for.

So I do relate to being the person who is not putting boundaries up straight away. But when you're married with children (like I am now) you just have to look at yourself a little more.

But I probably haven't been as assertive as I should but definitely not cheating / separating people away.

Stop being a push over and give her an ultimatum. Either she stops the drinking and inappropriate behaviour or you kick her out the house. Tell her in no uncertain terms you will not stand for it any longer and she will lose everything if she carries on. Don't be soft or 'reasonable', be hard hearted, cold and firm. If she sees you as a pushover she will walk all over you, and it does sound like you're being too soft. If I was in your place I would have given this other bloke a very strong physical warning and if persisted he'd have my fist down his throat. Stand up for yourself and your children...don't take it anymore.

I second that. I don't know why you put up with it. It's totally inappropriate. Tell her to stop it or dump her. She's taking the piss.

I hounestly admire you ur wife is very lucky may I suggest that you Take her away for a night somewhere romantic relive the passion of when you first met

Bloke here....may be a typical reaction but personaly if this was my situation I would of asked to be included while she told him to back off would of made me feel better thinking she wanted him to stop too, then if he kept going I would of calmly kept hold of his neck while I asked to stop. Either way though I don't think things look good op, if she truly wasn't interested it would of stopped a long time ago

Sorry but she is taking the piss out of you. You have told her how you feel yet she still continues with the behaviour that she knows makes you feel shit.

This has nothing to do with him and 100% her doing, men don't continue when clear professional boundaries are in place.

Aside from all this (which I agree with everyone else is massively inappropriate - and she must, on some level, know that), how is your marriage? Do you still get on? Good sex life, closeness, emotional connection etc? Is this the icing on the cake of a crap relationship, or is this just a minor annoyance in an otherwise good set-up?

I agree shes taking the absolute piss. You've made it quite clear how you feel about this to both of them and she is still okay with making you feel like this? I think it's disgraceful. She has a family to think about which she clearly isn't. I'm one of those people that think 100% that men and women can be friends but this is stepping over a line into some murky water. If I were you I'd tell her to stop her shit right now and to tell him to back off or that's it. Also how can you be sure it hasn't gotten physical? She okay going out and getting steaming drunk and flirting with the arse hole then coming back and telling you all about it can you trust it hasn't gone further. She sounds like a nightmare. Stand up to her and get her told! She's taking the piss and walking over you and so is that bellend. Get her told you'll leave her if she doesn't stop acting like a hormonal teenager!

If a man was behaving like this, no one would be trying to explain it away as 'oh she has low self esteem'.

She knows she is hurting her husband and doing it anyway. If you choose to hurt your husband or wife thats not ok. If yiu chpose to kepp burying your head in the sand in regards to your own behaviour thats not ok.

Op your problem is your wife. Not this other bloke. We have all come across his type. But we can choose to play along or cut them dead. She wants to play along. Thats more important to her than you.

Tbh i suspect it has been physical, if not. Its not far off. She knows its not innocent. Because she would have introduced you to him herself.

Her behaviour is awful, I can't believe she can actually defend it! I'm sorry but she can't think much of you or your feelings if she's acting this way.

Next time she goes on a piss up kick her out the house and turn off your phone. She can stew outside on the pavement for a few hours. If she continues to flirt with this guy, pack her bags and throw her out.

On the drinking / going out thing, do you also get time to go and socialise with your friends / colleagues or is this a one way street? Do the two of you go out as a couple (either with or without dc)?

Thanks very much for all these responses and comments. In response to this one above^... She does let me go out and socialise and allows me to do what I want with my mates, we do have a good agreement on sharing baby duty. But we don't ever seem to go out together anymore... I have expressed that I want to go out on date nights etc but she will always say we can't afford a babysitter and that it's easier for one of us to do it. I don't see why I can't be invited into this group of 'friends' she has? She just says I am just paranoid and don't trust her. But I do trust her, I don't trust this guy, that's all. I just want her to see it from my point of view and understand it from my perspective, that seems to be like getting blood out of a stone. I have tried reasoning with her and expressing myself calmly and with anger, neither seem to get through to her. This bloke needs to be told and put in his place and I did try but to no avail, so I feel this really needs to come from her or he won't get the message. It just seems that the ego-boost he is giving her is in some way more important than our marriage and home or are her boundaries way more loose than mine? I don't feel I am being totally paranoid and unfair at all feeling like this?!

Sorry but I think they are having an affair. My best friend was seeing a colleague and doing exactly the same to her husband. She wouldn't take him on nights out and he never met her 'work friends' as when she said she was with them she was actually in hotel rooms with the guy from work. Do you feel as if you can confront her? How is she with her phone?

I have confronted her about his and her behavior and she will defend him by saying that 'it's just his personality'. To me this is flirting, nothing less. It is not appropriate and he will continue if she doesn't tell him to stop and put a firm boundary in place, but she doesn't think he is flirting at all, even when I spell it out clearly...

God, who on earth writes 'sexy' on Facebook photos? Is he 9 years old or very low iq? And she seems to like this?

Oh give over, she's having a bloody laugh.

So the advice that is normally given to women in this situation on here is to ask to see her phone and email, right now. If she's so sure it's all innocent she won't mind you looking through.

I don't like the suggestion, myself, as by the time distrust is at that sort of level it's probably game over for the relationship anyway and there's not much point.

BTW, do you have a female colleague or friend you know well enough to get them texting you at all hours? See how she likes it (again, game playing is not good for the relationship, but it might make her think).

I think you have every reason not to trust her, op. The trouble is you can't do anything about it, other than what you have already done; told her you feel uncomfortable & think it's inappropriate. The only thing you can do now is decide whether you want to end the relationship over it. Does she have any family or friends outside work that she is close to? It may be worth talking to someone she is close to to get their take on it.

For the love of god have some self respect because your wife certainly doesn't have any respect for you.
There are 3 people in your marriage and you need to accept it because so far you have put up with it.
Stop blaming the guy. The problem is your wife. If not him, it will be someone else. It will never end so stop wasting your time energy and emotion and move on. You will be happier alone or if you rather be with her then just accept it the way things are.