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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another paranoid wife??

44 replies

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 07:04

Advice needed please fellow mumsnetters... I confronted my husband the other day about an email conversation with a female colleague at a different branch in which he's deleted part of the conversation. Now the emails I can see are pretty innocent enough but they do show that he's been having more contact with her than I'd realised. His reaction has left me feeling really uncomfortable. He's gone completely ballistic. He's refusing to discuss the emails and instead keeps demanding an apology for my 'disgusting' behaviour. He can't believe I've been snooping, I'm 'delusional' a 'fantasist' 'paranoid'. Don't get me wrong, I know snooping is wrong and can damage trust but to add some context to this, he's been a bit distant in the last year or so. He's got a lot on with work/family life balance and a poorly parent. He hates his job and is trying to change his career. He's been staying up late on his laptop after I've gone to bed. He's not particularly precious about his mobile phone though. Last year he went for a drink with this woman he's been emailing. At the time I was quite upset because we'd not been out in years and he claimed it was a group thing but that everyone had pulled out. So he went and came back and I was cool about it. However, just something about his demeanour made me suspicious. I asked him how they'd arranged to meet and he immediately became defensive and said by text he thinks. I asked to look at his phone. He'd basically deleted any trace of their conversation. He then blew up and accused me of being paranoid, insecure etc. Well, the whole thing got brushed under the carpet but I've always remained a bit guarded. Anyway, I now find out that she's been given a project that he's been helping her with. He claims he's told me about this but he did not. It's completely fine for him to work with this woman but why the secrecy, why withhold info or delete texts and emails? Why is he so angry about me asking about the deleted emails? He's refusing to answer these questions and keeps demanding an apology. I don't know what to think... any advice?

OP posts:

JellyBean31 · 13/07/2017 07:10

why the secrecy, why withhold info or delete texts and emails? Why is he so angry about me asking about the deleted emails?

Guilty conscience, that's why he's so angry.

If nothings happened already, he wants it to.

You are not paranoid or delusional, he's been caught out and attack is the best form of defense

Original poster

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 07:21

I need to add, the reason he said he'd deleted the texts in the first instance was because of my past 'behaviour'. He's referring to the early years of our relationship where is definitely been possessive and insecure. But fast forward ten years we have 2 beautiful children, a lovely home... and I've felt secure for a long time. Until now

OP posts:

Neverknowing · 13/07/2017 07:27

It does seem overly defensive but it's hard to tell. I would be angry if my DP thought I'd been cheating, especially if it was because he'd read messages that were private.

whattodowiththepoo · 13/07/2017 07:35

If i was him I'd be very very angry with you, it might end the marriage.

quartofquakingquills · 13/07/2017 07:36

He is having an affair with this woman almost certainly, and is trying to prevent you from gaining proof. Refusing to divulge your sources, tell him you know about the affair and don't accept anything but a full confession from him. My guess is he is the type that will fight that very hard, but you will need it for closure for yourself.

Of course you are feeling insecure, and I'm sure your instinct is right.

Stardustandicecream · 13/07/2017 07:39

It would seem overly defensive to me
He's not guarding his phone because IF there's something going on it's done on email or he has a separate phone.
You say distant - what do you actually mean by that. Would you say your relationship is in a bad place?
TBH people can have great relationships and cheat.
You aren't going to get your answers from him it sounds. I'd pretend that I trusted him but go detective and try and snoop a bit more

MegFlyAway · 13/07/2017 07:41

Always trust your instinct.

If something hasn't already happened then he at least wants it too.

Stardustandicecream · 13/07/2017 07:42

And yes if he's deleted them from his deleted items too it's highly suspicious

Coffeegrain · 13/07/2017 07:46

Reading OP my gut tells me something is going on. His extreme reaction is either due to guilt or denial. I do believe in trusting your gut instinct. He may not have done anything physically but there is something amis in your relationship

ijustwannadance · 13/07/2017 07:51

He is redirecting the blame back to you which then gives him a valid reason, in his mind, that his behaviour is acceptable because you have done something wrong too.
Trust your instinct.

DownTownAbbey · 13/07/2017 07:53

Either he's having an affair (EA or whatever) with her or is trying to. The deleted messages, the vitriolic over reaction and name calling, the lying etc all point towards the script.

At best the deleted messages contained unpleasant stuff he'd said about you. My wife doesn't understand me, we're leading separate lives, she's crazy, that sort of thing. Unless he works for MI6 and needs to delete parts of the conversation for national security reasons? Sorry to be flip, but what other logical explanation could there be for this pattern of behaviour?

Original poster

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 07:54

Thanks for all of these perspectives. His deleted items is empty. Password changed last year, private browsing on, no history available. It's not porn he's hiding - we are v open about that. Distant = always staying up w laptop on lap despite us both being exhausted. Also, he's clearly been deleting just their emails as there are others there from other people in that date...

OP posts:

guinnessgirl · 13/07/2017 08:04

Massive red flags here, op. If I were you and i wanted to find out more, I'd be 'going to bed early' then randomly popping down for a drink of water half an hour later to see what he's doing on his laptop. Things like that. It does sound highly likely that something is amiss, I'm afraid.

Ceto · 13/07/2017 08:05

Tell him if he wants that apology from you he should retrieve the deleted emails to demonstrate how innocent it all is.

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2017 08:10

Please ignore those saying he is absolutely having an affair, the reality is none of us know.

You've written the op because you clearly think he's guilty, in reality he's had a drink with her and works with her. That's it.

If my husband was reading my work emails, questioning me like this, and snooping to the extent you are, looking at history, deleted items etc I'd be friggen furious. He is also going through a horrible time at work and with his parent and now needs to deal with your behaviour on top of it.

You could be right, but equally you could be wrong and simply causing your marriage massive damage by the way you are treating him in this stressful time in his life.

You say you're happy and secure, but have previous, I don't think you were happy and secure, clearly you were constantly on the look out.

As said, he could be shagging her, which I think is unlikely, or he could simply be furious at the way you're treating him.

No one can guess, the only fact is if he is innocent you're doing your marriage irreparable harm. If he's not, you're not going to find out by behaving like this.

Blueshoess · 13/07/2017 08:12

I had a similar issue with my ex. I snooped on his messages for about 6 months (I had just had our baby and moved 200 miles away to his home town so was scared to confront him and to be on my own). He basically did the same thing, flew off the handle saying I was paranoid and it was just harmless flirting, didn't cheat, hadn't seen her, I was mental yadda yadda yadda.
I believe that he didn't physically cheat, but on reflection now (we've been split for a year and a half) I kick myself for sticking around with someone who had such little respect for me. So you may or may not feel like he's "physically" cheating but it definitely seems like he's minimising his behaviour and disrespecting you.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, for your own wellbeing.

FYI, in my situation - my ex didn't 'cheat' while we were together (though I felt like it was cheating) but he went and shagged the woman he had been messaging the day after we split. Not all men are the same obviously, but yeah - trust them niggly feelings.

Itsseweasy · 13/07/2017 08:16

Urgh, this was my ex. Pages and pages of emails between him and beautiful young work colleague (he had no business reason to be in contact with her despite same office).
I demanded to know what the content was and he went absolutely ballistic and refused to show me or discuss it further.
Then he started going for drinks with her after work and saying it was a group thing.
Eventually he ended it with me and it became apparent that it was originally an emotional affair that progressed.
Massive red flags here I'm afraid but not sure what you can do. Sorry to be unhelpful but wanted you to know I don't think you are overreacting.

Joysmum · 13/07/2017 08:17

If my dh did this I'd would be really upset he didn't feel secure in himself and my love of him.

Can't get my head around why people would be furious that someone they love is hurting bad enough to do something bad.

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2017 08:18

So blue, you snooped on him for six months as you thought he was cheating, you were wrong and the relationship is over?

Why are you telling the op to trust her instincts he is cheating, when you're instincts were wrong?

What behavuour is the ops husband minimising and how is he disrespecting her? Because he deletes his emails and doesn't want to be snooped on, so makes it so she can't snoop on him? I'd do that too if someone was snooping on me.

Original poster

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 08:25

Thanks again all. I don't think anything sexual has happened. The thing is is, he's an intellectual and I'm really not. This colleague is. They share a passion for quite a unique topic. Nothing wrong with that at all. What's really hurting me here is the possibility that they're simply working on this project together, innocently, but he's hiding and minimising things because he's trying to prevent me from behaving suspiciously/jealously. That he may have so little respect for or faith in me that he'd lie about something so innocent is really hurtful. I think that's what may have been happening here. And after the BS with deleting their original texts, you'd think he'd make a point of being open and honest here. Another thing, a few months ago there was this big works do, a special event that related to a family close family member that had been planned for months. I waited and waited but didn't get invited until the week before and there was no way of getting a baby sitter. She was there though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 08:29

Bluntness100 I hear you. I do. The thing is, I didn't snoop on him originally. He told me their drinks thing was a group arrangement and actually I didn't believe that. When I asked to see the messages he'd deleted them all. And after all that, Why behave like this now?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2017 08:33

but he's hiding and minimising things because he's trying to prevent me from behaving suspiciously/jealously

But op. You're blaming him for your bad behavuour. You want him to leave everything undeleted with open access so you can continue to snoop on him unfettered, continue to check on him without restraint.

You need to stop sweetie, honestly.

Blueshoess · 13/07/2017 08:36

Blunt, I snooped on him for 6 months as he was sending and receiving sexual messages. Saying what he would do to her if he wasn't with me, her sending pictures of herself. Flirting outrageously with her. After we split he went and hopped straight into bed with her.
So yeah, I wasn't just snooping without reason. I was scared to confront him and be on my own with a baby.
He tried to minimise it all saying it was just harmless flirting and he had no intention to actually meet her, that I was crazy and he couldn't ever trust me again as I invaded his privacy.
But I was right, he got his leg over at the first opportunity and the harmless flirting clearly was the warm up to what eventually happened.

Original poster

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 08:38

Bluntness100 snooping is bad and wrong. But don't forget the context. A few months ago I posted something on here about a comment he'd made to me about my career aspirations. I'm not sure if you can see it..? So the other dynamic is that he's been putting me down quite a bit. Do I just turn a blind eye and pretend all this is healthy? That he can have this intellectual meeting of minds with this woman and criticise me...

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2017 08:41

Blue, sorry but that was a bit of a drip feed...understood now why you were snooping,,,💐

Op, no I haven't seen the other thread. And no it's really not healthy. None of it is. However you call this an intellectual meeting of minds between them. . I guess you're ok if that's with a man but not a woman? They work together. It's what he's paid to do.

Clearly your marriage is not in a good way, I think you need to sit down and talk together, as, as you said, current behavuour from both of you isn't healthy.

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