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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another paranoid wife??

44 replies

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 07:04

Advice needed please fellow mumsnetters... I confronted my husband the other day about an email conversation with a female colleague at a different branch in which he's deleted part of the conversation. Now the emails I can see are pretty innocent enough but they do show that he's been having more contact with her than I'd realised. His reaction has left me feeling really uncomfortable. He's gone completely ballistic. He's refusing to discuss the emails and instead keeps demanding an apology for my 'disgusting' behaviour. He can't believe I've been snooping, I'm 'delusional' a 'fantasist' 'paranoid'. Don't get me wrong, I know snooping is wrong and can damage trust but to add some context to this, he's been a bit distant in the last year or so. He's got a lot on with work/family life balance and a poorly parent. He hates his job and is trying to change his career. He's been staying up late on his laptop after I've gone to bed. He's not particularly precious about his mobile phone though. Last year he went for a drink with this woman he's been emailing. At the time I was quite upset because we'd not been out in years and he claimed it was a group thing but that everyone had pulled out. So he went and came back and I was cool about it. However, just something about his demeanour made me suspicious. I asked him how they'd arranged to meet and he immediately became defensive and said by text he thinks. I asked to look at his phone. He'd basically deleted any trace of their conversation. He then blew up and accused me of being paranoid, insecure etc. Well, the whole thing got brushed under the carpet but I've always remained a bit guarded. Anyway, I now find out that she's been given a project that he's been helping her with. He claims he's told me about this but he did not. It's completely fine for him to work with this woman but why the secrecy, why withhold info or delete texts and emails? Why is he so angry about me asking about the deleted emails? He's refusing to answer these questions and keeps demanding an apology. I don't know what to think... any advice?

OP posts:
Greedynan · 13/07/2017 08:51

This is the part where I'm meant to say that I'm totally cool with the fact that she's female. But honestly I'm a bit pissed off. That original drink they went on - we'd not been out in three years. Three years. He makes little effort to chat to me. He's not massively interested. Which is why I feel threatened. He could just reassure me. Not tell me I'm delusional and to fk off Confused

OP posts:
dailydance · 13/07/2017 09:02

He's putting you down, he's over-reacting to your snooping.. tbh if someone snooped on me I would ask them why and try to establish why they feel the need to do that rather than call them names. He doesn't go out with you but has gone out with this colleague. I wouldn't be happy either - more so about being put down. I would leave, but I would do it in a way that calls his bluff- if you think those things of me then why are you with me; we should split - type of approach. He's trying to justify his behaviour by painting you as delusional, crazy etc so as to make himself feel better about being abusive imo.

justkeeponsmiling · 13/07/2017 09:02

Sadly I think your instincts are spot on and I don't blame you for snooping under these specific circumstances, as he is clearly not prepared to tell you the truth.
I also don't think he hid this to stop you from getting jealous, I think he is either having an affair or they are building up to one. So sorry for you, what a shittu situation Flowers

RhubardGin · 13/07/2017 09:15

OP he's completely gaslighting you.

From what you've posted I would bet my last penny that they are having an affair, if not sexual definitely emotional.

His actions are undeniable. Emails. Texts. Deleting messages. Meeting for drinks that coincidentally nobody else could attend. Becoming overly defensive and suggesting that you're paranoid and delusional.

It's like cheaters bingo.

Sorry OP but I think you know what's going on deep down.

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 09:33

The thing is though, the emails seem really innocent. But they did reveal that they're working on this project. However there were no other emails. He's deleted them all. I think they've possibly met up on a couple of occasions because I discovered she's boxed up and labelled loads of stuff that's now stored at his dad's house. How did it get there? What I do know is that he's not been forthright about any of this. But I'd have been ok about it if he'd been open. If he'd not kept stuff from me. And now the deleted emails... his hugely furious reaction. I'm actually starting to think that something's amiss

OP posts:
quartofquakingquills · 13/07/2017 12:53

If you don't snoop you stay ignorant while someone is pulling one over on you. I'd rather snoop and would think it justifiable IIWM.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 13:12

Why is he deleting so many emails, he's clearly hiding something, take her out for a drink but hasn't been out with you in three years.

He can't explain why he's deleted them to you because they will incriminate him; he's blaming you to deflect from him; I'd stand my ground, his attitude is absolutely stinking.

tccat · 13/07/2017 13:23

People with nothing to hide don't hide anything, it sounds suspicious, particulary his reaction when questions, it's classic cheaters behavior to go on the offensive like that
If I were you I'd keep my powder dry and a very close eye on things

waterrat · 13/07/2017 13:54

OP it sounds as though you are unhappy in other ways.

Putting this woman out of the picture - you don't go for date nights out, he doesn't arrange to take you out, he stays up late rather than chat with you etc.

Why don't you take a different approach - tell him you want to talk about all of that and how you can be happier together. If he is keen then you may feel better about the emails situation. If he isn't then you can deal with that.

Essentially any 'other woman' is always only the symptom of a bad situation - you have control over your own relationship with him so why not focus in on that.

JoshLymanJr · 13/07/2017 13:57

Why is he deleting so many emails, he's clearly hiding something

I don't know about anyone else but I delete all texts and emails I don't need pretty regularly, and I don't think that's all that unusual (I hate cluttered inboxes). So if my wife acted like you have done towards your husband I would:

a) be completely unable to prove anything one way or the other;
b) be absolutely furious and offended by that behaviour.

If being offended by this is proof that he is guilty, would being utterly blasé be proof of innocence, then?

If you don't snoop you stay ignorant while someone is pulling one over on you

That's right - invade people's privacy as much as you like. It's not possessive or controlling at all.

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 14:01

Hi Josh. He's deleted specific emails - just theirs - as well as all traces of their conversations. He told me he'd already told me they'd been working on this project together. He certainly had not.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 13/07/2017 14:03

I'm in two minds on this. If you are jealous and paranoid I can see why he stops telling you stuff that is innocent. He can't win.

For the record I delete a lot of emails etc too.

On the other side I sometimes think that the aggressive response is a deflection.

I work in a male dominated industry and don't think twice about a beer or lunch with a colleague whatever their sex.

JoshLymanJr · 13/07/2017 14:11

He's deleted specific emails - just theirs - as well as all traces of their conversations.

How do you know he has only deleted emails from this co-worker and not others? Is this his work or personal account you've been looking at?

quartofquakingquills · 13/07/2017 14:14

It's not possessive or controlling at all.

Spot on Josh, it's called catching a cheat.

JoshLymanJr · 13/07/2017 14:19

quart

So you would not allow any privacy within a relationship, just in case?

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 14:19

His personal account. I don't have access to his work account

OP posts:
Greedynan · 13/07/2017 14:21

And for the record I do allow privacy. I'm not possessive. He goes out all the time. I encourage that. He's going on a lads holiday soon. He needs it. I recognise and support that :)

OP posts:
JoshLymanJr · 13/07/2017 14:28

So the other dynamic is that he's been putting me down quite a bit.

Sorry, I wasn't aware of another thread, so wasn't aware of other issues you're having within the relationship. From your OP my reading was that it was likely innocent (or at least there wasn't anything in the story that was 100% suspicious - I've had email convos with co-workers, male and female, that aren't 'dodgy' but I wouldn't want anyone else reading, including a partner), but in the context of his putting you down a lot it perhaps reads a bit differently.

Headupshouldersback · 13/07/2017 16:49

For those who have commented that snooping is invading privacy, controlling and mistrusting etc I say lucky you for never having been in a position where you feel that your partner is lying or hiding something from you and making you feel anything less than 100% secure.

I've been in that position unfortunately and it's degrading to reduce yourself to such desperate measures.
However I was right to do so as I discovered I wasn't mad, DH was lying, involved in an EA and also had a relationship with a colleague that was much too close for my liking.

Trust your gut instinct.
If your husband really and truly loved you he would be doing everything possible to win your trust .

I'm sorry you're dealing with this shit x

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