Urgent Marriage advice needed...

[Rosex]

I've been with my husband 16 years married for 7years. He was my childhood sweetheart we met when I was only 15yrs.

The past few years our relationship has been none existent. I think this began 3months after we had our 1st born when my husband had a relapse (alcoholic) and lost his job keeping this a secret from me and denying/lying that anything had happened up until I confronted him with written evidence After discovering a letter from his previous employers.
He had threw away our only means of support when we had just had a baby for no reason other than to get drunk. I felt utterly devastated & betrayed at the most vulnerable time of my life he let me down.
I hated him more then than any of the other stupid things he had ever done this was by far the worst.

I have major fertility issues and had been through 9years of fertility investigations, heartache, operations & fertility treatment to get our beautiful baby. When he was born I felt my heart would burst I was so happy. I finally felt our family was complete but he stole a part of that new motherhood feeling from me when he forced me back into work before our baby was only 3months old. He broke my heart and that is where our marriage started to go down hill for me.
We had a separation for a while but after a cupple of months agreed to try again after he pleaded with me that he would never let us down again and would try to face his own Demons and sort himself out to make our marriage work.

However he has since took on a high pressure job a year ago (his own decision) with long hours he is becoming very difficult to live with. My husband has always had a bad temper. We can never discuss anything rationally he will fly off the handle and throw objects or will punch/kick break things in our home if I try to talk to or discuss anything.

For a few months now he has come home from work and shut myself and my son out just sitting on his laptop getting irritated with me if I try to have a conversation with him, he has no interest in me at all. He loses his cool with our son sometimes if he isn't in bed on time or is creating a fuss.
I can have a lovely day just myself and my son but as soon as my husband walks through the door the whole mood shifts. The atmosphere at home changes and it's miserable to be around. I feel as though I have to suppress my own feelings and walk on egg shelIs around him as not to rock the boat and deal with his temper. We haven't spent anytime together as a cupple and he doesn't seem interested in doing anything enjoyable together. Everything I say is met with a kind of if I have to kind of attitude as though going out to do anything with me etc is a chore. I feel as though we are just co-existing we share everything but the fun, happiness and the affection. He sleeps on the sofa the majority of the time which makes any closeness between us impossible and I'm starting to feel like I don't love him anymore because although I do love him I know 100% I'm not in love with him. I don't like the person he has now become and it's really dragging me down.

I want to feel happy but these days are all doom and gloom because he is miserable. I have tried so many years to help him and to be understanding of his personal issues (anger, alcoholism, anxiety & depression) but I'm really struggling now at a time in my life where I just want to break free of the stress and strain and feel happy again. I want to give my son a light hearted and fun atmosphere to grow up in one where he won't be stressed out with adult issues but things never seem to change.

I suggested last year that we sell our home and down size to reduce financial pressure to make things easier for my husband as he'd like to change his line of work to reduce pressure but I'm not sure that doing this would make a difference to our marriage or not. Do I keep trying and give him longer to see if once we move houses and work pressure was lifted a bit if he'd be happier in himself and in doing so our marriage would improve?.

Advice from those who have had similar issues would be greatly appreciated.

I've never been married so can't really give you advice on saving a marriage but didn't want to read and run.

The situation sounds awful though and you are right in wanting to give your son a happy and healthy environment to grow up in. It's not good for kiddies to be around all that shouting and tension, especially if he gets violent like you say.

Could you manage financially on your own?

Read your post back to yourself and think what you would say if your best friend confided all this in you

I left my alcoholic partner but it was easy for me (no marriage / mortgage / baby to consider), but I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever put up with an alcoholic again, particularly one who hadn't faced up to their illness and its impact on me and my family

My husband has been alcohol free for just under 3 years now after we had the short seperation.
He has stayed sober so far but he can't cope with any form of everyday stress with out flying off the handle.

I have recently just went back to work self employed (new business) but is not making any money at the moment so i can not financially support myself and our son on my own at the moment however I know my husband would still support us if we did separate. He is not a horrible person.

He's making you miserable, you said yourself you're happy without him. He's not functioning as a partner or dad and not showing any willingness too so why stay?

Your son will be massively effected by the atmosphere between the both of you too. If you love him and believe you have something which can be salvaged and worked on then let him know how you feel, spend some time figuring out how to get through this together.

For me though it sounds like he's done some things which are not possible for you to get over. Only you know what you really want. Please know you and your son deserve to be happy.

You do not have a marriage. You have an intolerable roommate. Get a solicitor and get on with your life. Just because he's not a "horrible" person doesn't mean you should be married to him.

It's so difficult because although he looses his cool sometimes and it is quite scary when he does, he is a great dad the majority of the time and our son adores him.

There is nothing relationship wise with us at the moment and he doesn't try. I'd like our relationship to work but I've tried so hard for so long im completely worn out.
I want to tell him what I'm thinking and how I feel but I know it will only make things worse because of the already tense and stressful situation he has with work strain. I'm also worried it'd be to much for him and he'd then do something destructive and relapse.

I think he knows that things are strained between us without me saying but doesn't see a way to improve anything until he is under less pressure and happy with his work situation, this can't be sorted out quickly and I'm really struggling to manage after months of dealing with his mood swings and down look on life all of the time. I'm trying my best to stay positive and keep moving forward with my own goals etc but he's sucking the enjoyment out of everything.

Is he receiving any professional help for his mental health issues?

He's been prescribed some anxiety medication last month which does help keep him calmer but no therapy or any mental health treatment. Although he has previously had help of this nature for different reasons 7/8years ago.
I've tried to talk to him on a number of occasions about asking to see a therapist again but I can't do this for him. He needs to do this himself.
My husband is one of those who finds it extremely difficult and stressful to talk about feelings and anything of that nature.

The anxiety medication will need a littl while longer to really kick in. He sounds like he's suffering from severe depression and anxiety at the moment. It's a terrible illness as it affects those closest to the sufferer too... as you are at the moment.

But it is an illness that can usually be managed with the right help. But as you say, HE needs to seek/accept that help.

My mother made our lIves a misery by refusing to seek professional help for her depression and has spent decades miserable, irritable, angry and quick to temper. She's driven away just about everyone that loves her and whenever I've tried to persuade her to seek help she turns on me. I have severe depression & anxiety but I've been seeing mental health professionals for years to keep it controlled and monitored. My mother considers me weak and pathetic for this.

You may need to spell it out to your DH that if he can't seek proper professional help for his mental health issues then a separation may be the only way forward for your relationship. Because it's not good for you or the children to be living on egg shells for the foreseeable.

It may also be time for him to look for another less pressurised job as a way to reduce stress.

And your suggestion of downsizing to reducing financial stress is a good idea. We have just done this. Our rent was draining our finances every month, we were struggling to pay bills and put food on the table. This would be an anxious situation for anyone, but for someone who already suffers with anxiety anyway, its becomes horrendous. I couldn't sleep or eat properly, I was exhausted and felt 'foggy' and unable to concentrate. Moving to a flat paying less in rent and bills has done wonders for easing my anxiety. I'm able to sleep and eathe properly giving me energy and motivation to make other positive changes.

I don't think you should leave him yet. I think he needs professional help. BUT if he's unwilling to help himself there's only so much you can do. You can't continue like this.

We can never discuss anything rationally he will fly off the handle and throw objects or will punch/kick break things in our home if I try to talk to or discuss anything.

This is abuse and you cannot fix it. You are putting both you and your child in danger by staying.

I had previously mentioned that my husband has anxiety and depression and has suffered this for around 7/8 years. He goes through periods of coping and then feelings of not coping and this has gone on for years.

I have tried my best to support him through this but he makes it so hard by shutting down and reacting aggressively instead of discussing issues.

I feel I have done everything I can but it makes no difference or changes to his behaviour and this cycle is exhausting me.
I'm afraid that he cant cope with normal everyday family responsibilities, problems & work anymore (this has happened before) that even this is just to much for him right now but like a lot of family's he is the main bread winner so we feel trapped in a loop until we can sell the house and he can take a less stressful work position.

I feel as though I'm walking on shaky ground all of the time wondering if the ground beneath me will fall because he has crumbled. I wish I could be the main provider to take that responsibility into my own hands and give myself security but I can't.

I just want to add that my husband would never physically hurt myself or my son.

rosex you are allowed to leave if thats what you want to. You don't have to support or stay with this man.

It sounds hard - walking on eggshells all the time he is around. This is not healthy for you your ds.

If you could you anything what would that look like?

If he's an alcoholic, he's likely a sick person not a bad person.
How is he staying sober? IMO alcoholism needs daily treatment to stop me getting all worked up and eggy. If he is not doing anything apart from 'not drinking' then he is a dry drunk. Give him an ultimatum. Only he can help himself.
Good luck.

Rosex

You and your H now need to be apart. Its not working and has not now for some considerable time. You certainly need to get off the merry go around. He has really ended this marriage here by his actions. You also met when you were 15 and had no life experience whatsoever behind you. It was really no sound basis for a long term relationship. Your relationship seems to have been based also on an unhealthy codependency.

He is also NOT a great dad to his son either if you as his wife and in turn your son are treated so very badly. Women in poor relationships often write such self serving denial when they themselves can say nothing positive about their man. As yet again is the case here.
And besides which children do adore their parents no matter how rubbish so stop with this word adore too. Its no legacy to leave your son, it truly is not.

How much of this is really due to him being a common or garden abuser of you?. Of course he is not happy anyway; he's never been happy in his entire life but is more than happy to blame you for all his faults and failures. You cannot help someone like this and frankly you should not even try. You can and should walk away from all this now.

This man is self medicating his problems by drinking. Alcohol should not be taken when on such meds either.

Do not bring up your child within such a toxic environment; he is not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that to him. Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships as well, that yes this is how people do behave in relationships. What you write is how people do behave in abusive relationships.

You cannot change him.
You can move to a smaller house, he can take a less demanding job, you can fly to the moon. His problems with himself, the person he is - for which he self-medicates with alcohol - will follow him. He is not a happy person and never will be, it makes no difference how many sacrifices you make for him.
Your posts are full of easing his stress, his anxiety, his depression, his bad-tempered irritable arseholeness that he is able to get away with, supporting him, finding professional help for him.
What about YOU? Your stress, your unhappiness, your disappointment that you and your DS have to put up with him, your mental health, your fear of your abusive H, support for you?
Can you see how everything is all about him? He will bleed you dry of every drop of compassion in you and he still won't be a nice person to be around. I would get out now, do the Freedom Programme and don't waste any more of your life propping up someone who is supposed to support you as much as you support him.

I feel I have done everything I can but it makes no difference or changes to his behaviour and this cycle is exhausting me.

Op - you have worked out there is a cycle to all this. Your thoughts and views of what is going on are right.

Abuse is not just physical - emotional abuse is much harder to come to terms with, to understand and to deal with.

When you are ready maybe check out the freedom programme as suggested by pp so you can find out more about how healthy and unhealthy relationships are.

It sounds as though you are tired of keeping on trying and trying.

You don't have to do anything or change anything right now unless you want to.

What is the freedom programme please?

Click the link in blue in my post above. If you have the choice, group or online course, go to the group if you can.

I think you need to start by talking to him. You're already considering leaving, so will it make a big difference to risk him getting angry and upset?

You need to talk to him about it and make him see the seriousness of how he is neglecting his family. If he responds very badly then that's all the more reason for you to start thinking about some time apart.

Thank you everyone so far for your advice. Just to update*
I had a discussion with my husband last night told him I was considering a seperation.
He told me he didn't expect to hear that and it definitely shocked him but said he's glad that I told him as it's made him realise he needs to do something about it and in his words 'gave him the kick up the arse he needed'
I don't know if having this discussion will change anything long term and I told him of my doubts.
But he now knows that I'm no longer going to put up with his recent behaviour.

We will continue to follow our plans to sell our house but wether or not we will live together after that is still uncertain for me at the moment.

He said is going to ask for regular counselling to help him cope with his own stress and anxiety issues.
So I guess we will see.

That sounds like it could be promising, OP. I'd wait and see if he actually does get that counselling before I relaxed, though.

Just to pick something up, though:

I just want to add that my husband would never physically hurt myself or my son.

Physical displays of aggression and violence are abuse. They show that it could escalate to turning on you, and serve to keep you in your place, afraid to poke the beast. They are not OK in any way. No-one needs to do this in response to their feelings. If he has pent up energy he can go for a run or something.

If you'd like to learn more whilst your H is doing his thing a good book is "why does he do that" - it will give you more information to help you make decisions in the future.

I'm glad you have decided to no longer put up with bad behaviour from him. Thats a good step forward op.

Thank you. Il take a look at the book suggested.
Nothing is ever black & white or ever simple is it!.
My husband knows his aggression, anger and very short fuse are wrong and I've pulled him up on it so many times. He tells me he dislikes himself for it but it seems to be a part of his personality as he has always been the same and is something I feel he has no control over in the heat of the moment, he just loses self control.
Our son is starting to notice this nowwhich is something I hate. It's just not fair to have to try and explain to a toddler that daddy gets angry sometimes but it's not his fault and I don't want him growing up mimicking this behaviour or feeling afraid of it.

it seems to be a part of his personality as he has always been the same and is something I feel he has no control over in the heat of the moment, he just loses self control
If you read Why Does He Do That (Lundy Bancroft) as pp recommends, you will find that, unless your H is taking his aggression out on everyone equally - at work, in the street, in shops, with friends - it is in fact quite the contrary. He has perfect control over his emotions because he chooses to take his anger out on you alone and possibly your DS in the future, all behind closed doors. He does it because he thinks it's ok, that he's entitled to treat his wife and children this way. It's all about power and control and he's certainly got you tying yourself up in knots trying to appease him. I doubt he's making the same effort to make you happy.
If you don't want your DS to turn out the same you might want to think carefully about the role model he has at home at the moment for male attitudes and behaviour.