Urgent Marriage advice needed...

[Rosex]

I've been with my husband 16 years married for 7years. He was my childhood sweetheart we met when I was only 15yrs.

The past few years our relationship has been none existent. I think this began 3months after we had our 1st born when my husband had a relapse (alcoholic) and lost his job keeping this a secret from me and denying/lying that anything had happened up until I confronted him with written evidence After discovering a letter from his previous employers.
He had threw away our only means of support when we had just had a baby for no reason other than to get drunk. I felt utterly devastated & betrayed at the most vulnerable time of my life he let me down.
I hated him more then than any of the other stupid things he had ever done this was by far the worst.

I have major fertility issues and had been through 9years of fertility investigations, heartache, operations & fertility treatment to get our beautiful baby. When he was born I felt my heart would burst I was so happy. I finally felt our family was complete but he stole a part of that new motherhood feeling from me when he forced me back into work before our baby was only 3months old. He broke my heart and that is where our marriage started to go down hill for me.
We had a separation for a while but after a cupple of months agreed to try again after he pleaded with me that he would never let us down again and would try to face his own Demons and sort himself out to make our marriage work.

However he has since took on a high pressure job a year ago (his own decision) with long hours he is becoming very difficult to live with. My husband has always had a bad temper. We can never discuss anything rationally he will fly off the handle and throw objects or will punch/kick break things in our home if I try to talk to or discuss anything.

For a few months now he has come home from work and shut myself and my son out just sitting on his laptop getting irritated with me if I try to have a conversation with him, he has no interest in me at all. He loses his cool with our son sometimes if he isn't in bed on time or is creating a fuss.
I can have a lovely day just myself and my son but as soon as my husband walks through the door the whole mood shifts. The atmosphere at home changes and it's miserable to be around. I feel as though I have to suppress my own feelings and walk on egg shelIs around him as not to rock the boat and deal with his temper. We haven't spent anytime together as a cupple and he doesn't seem interested in doing anything enjoyable together. Everything I say is met with a kind of if I have to kind of attitude as though going out to do anything with me etc is a chore. I feel as though we are just co-existing we share everything but the fun, happiness and the affection. He sleeps on the sofa the majority of the time which makes any closeness between us impossible and I'm starting to feel like I don't love him anymore because although I do love him I know 100% I'm not in love with him. I don't like the person he has now become and it's really dragging me down.

I want to feel happy but these days are all doom and gloom because he is miserable. I have tried so many years to help him and to be understanding of his personal issues (anger, alcoholism, anxiety & depression) but I'm really struggling now at a time in my life where I just want to break free of the stress and strain and feel happy again. I want to give my son a light hearted and fun atmosphere to grow up in one where he won't be stressed out with adult issues but things never seem to change.

I suggested last year that we sell our home and down size to reduce financial pressure to make things easier for my husband as he'd like to change his line of work to reduce pressure but I'm not sure that doing this would make a difference to our marriage or not. Do I keep trying and give him longer to see if once we move houses and work pressure was lifted a bit if he'd be happier in himself and in doing so our marriage would improve?.

Advice from those who have had similar issues would be greatly appreciated.

Keeping is right op - if he didn't have any control he would be getting angry with everyone - does he lose control with family members? His mum?

You are starting to get it more simple though and finding out more from other sources will make everything much more clear. Maybe keep writing things down to help remind you.

To answer the above, He never loses control with other family members but we have s very small family that aren't there much. It just seems to be with myself & my son. when I confronted him during our conversation the other night and said I think he needs to be on his own as we seem to be a big part of his problem and to much for him to cope with, he flew off the handle saying I was accusing him of not being able to look after his family and that he was weak that he would prove me wrong!?. Which I didn't do and I said you have nothing to prove to me.

Is it normal for men to get so frustrated & angry and find family life hard to manage?. I feel like a massive inconvenience to him sometimes and he doesn't deal well with our son if he's whining or complaining at night. He's always so uptight.
There must be fathers who although find being a parent challenging have a relaxed attitude towards parenthood. He loses his cool with us far to easily.

He is brilliant at playing with our son and he can be the best father but there's also a flip side. I do not understand him at all and I'm usually such a good judge of someone's personality and can read people well but even though we have been together so long I still dont understand his behaviours or the way his brain works.

Thank you to those for the book suggestion. I read some of this last night and a few parts made complete sense to me.

Is it normal for men to get so frustrated & angry and find family life hard to manage?.

Yes but usually only abusive men communicate that through anger.

This type of man knows how to pick the type of woman you are - someone who desperately searches for a 'reason' of why he is like that and often believing she is the only one who can fix him.

Some women stay stuck like this (in negative relationships) forever. You are some way from this because you are questioning HIS behaviour and not just your own. I might suggest there is nothing wrong with you and your sons behaviour but your H might use it as an excuse to 'not cope' and therefore justify to himself his 'right' to be angry.

There is little point in him being the best father if he is inconsistent in his behaviour - all he is teaching his ds is how to be angry.

I know it can be hard to hear this and begin to believe that all along you have been right in your view - this is a toxic relationship - and you deserve better.

Maybe read some of the other threads with women saying the same thing about the same kind of man - and how they resist seeing him how he truly is.

He is showing you who he is - watch and take notice - it's not enough for him to be nice 'some' times. He's not entitled to be angry and blame you.

His anger is his problem. He might deal with it - he might not - but you wont ever be able to solve it for him.

Be kind to you all the time this is going on. You are worth love and kindness ALL the time.

Thank you. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for so many years now with one thing or another that I am just so exhausted I have no energy left to keep fighting on.
I don't want to continue with such highs & lows of his moods all of the time but don't know what else to do. What little Friends & family I do have wouldn't understand or give me any help or support so I'm reaching out to you to give me a none biased opinion.

I feel selfish for thinking of myself but I need to be happy it's been years of the opposite for far to long already, he can't say I haven't given him my all to make our marriage work because I have. I've never been the one creating issues and problems it's always been him and I'm so tired of having to accept this and try with him. I was more willing to forgive and forget when we were younger as I was completely in love with him but now I'm not things are taking on a completely new perspective.

I don't think a Relationship should ever feel like this much hard work!. everything has just become so stressful and overwhelming that I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm worried about the future and what may or may not happen all of the time.

You're right. A loving, respectful, healthy relationship is not this much hard work.
No wonder you are exhausted if he's always so uptight I'm sure you can feel the anxiety this creates within you, always feeling on edge, wondering when the next unpredictable outburst will come. It's going to be doing the same to your DS. He is going to grow up on edge too and cope by being aggressive like his father or submissive - primitive responses to danger for survival.
I'm very sorry you feel you lack support from your family and friends. You don't have to justify to anyone except yourself why you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Being unhappy, despite trying your best to make it work, is reason enough.
I recommend you phone a few solicitors for a free half hour initial appointment on Mon to find out where you stand financially and legally and to find one whom you feel you can work with. It will help you determine your options.
If you decide to end it and are afraid of your H's reaction, phone the wonderful people at Women's Aid for advice 0808 2000 247, staffed 24hrs, or the police 999 in an emergency.
You've been strong getting this far, you're going to need to dig deep for more inner strength but you can do it. Many posters here have and gone on to find happiness and freedom for them and their DC.
Keep posting if it helps.

RANT!
My husband allowed me to lay in this morning however. I was awoken to the sound of him losing patience with our son again saying 'ohh for fox sake' in front of him.
I went into my sons room where he was trying to get him ready and asked him what was the matter and he's full of misery again & complaining . Seems no matter how much I pick him up on his behaviour it doesn't change. I told him not to swear in front of our son and that he should have woke me and id have seen to him.
He told me to F'off c@!t all in front of our son. Completely un called for but god forbid I pick him up on his bad behaviour!.
So another useless conversation later of telling him his moods and behaviour are getting rediculous now and the situation has become toxic. He told me it's the pressure of his job getting to him that he's tired blah, blah, blah.....but how much longer can I wait for him to sort himself out! When he's impossible!. Argghhh!.