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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out he cheated

64 replies

JustWhy1 · 12/07/2017 22:36

So just found out my DP of 9 years has been cheating on me with someone from work he claims it was only sexting but from a message i saw where she says she has him worn out i believe it was a lot more. I am absolutely devastated...why do they do this

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 11:09

Not sounds like, it's a stated fact OP, I know you don't want to believe it but she's said it; I'd not believe a word either of them say, they are minimising and protecting themselves.

He needs to be gone, at least for a little while.

Original poster

JustWhy1 · 13/07/2017 11:34

Read the message again and it says i have you drained in every sense of the word.....asked him bout this and he says drained from both work and all the messaging as they have been extremely busy in work lately but really its very unbelievable i know i just want to believe that nothing happened because it would just kill me to know for sure if it has but it is also killing me not knowing

OP posts:

TheUpsideDown · 13/07/2017 11:35

So you've confronted the OW? Did you ask how she'd managed to wear him out if it was only messages?

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 11:37

It's pretty clear OP that she's referring to sex, he's an out and out liar and I'd be telling him to go away until he was prepared to be honest, he must think you are thick.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 11:38

So there are two messages, once referring to draining him and the other referring to worn him out?

TheUpsideDown · 13/07/2017 11:39

"i have you drained in every sense of the word."

They've had sex. Drained from work and messaging my arse!

I know you don't want to believe it but trust your gut instinct here. They're both lying cheating pieces of shit

Original poster

JustWhy1 · 13/07/2017 11:40

No just the one message reffering to having him drained i misread it

OP posts:

Original poster

JustWhy1 · 13/07/2017 11:41

I know i need to trust my gut its just all so hard

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 11:47

Both those statements mean the same to me = sex, I am really sorry OP, they must think you are stupid if you actually believe she meant drained from messaging so much, what a joke.

I hope you have RL support, it's awful.

TheUpsideDown · 13/07/2017 11:51

I did the same with my cheating ex. My gut instinct KNEW he was up to something with my 'friend' but I had no proof. He was very secretive with his phone and laptop. Then one day I found his laptop hidden behind the sofa. I didn't even have to switch the laptop on to find my proof. Inside the laptop bag was a very suggestive 'humorous' Christmas card where the picture on the front was a naked woman wrapped in a bow wearing a Christmas hat suggesting his present would be sex with her, which was just from my friend to my ex with lots of kisses and a winking face.

They tried to say they hadn't actually slept together and it was all just a bit of a joke blah blah blah.

I packed his bags that day. The proof of gut instinct was staring me in the face and I knew I'd be stupid to believe their blatant lies that they hadn't actually slept together. And even if they hadn't, they had still been flirting, suggestive and deceitful.

Get rid. You'll never be able trust him again.

Original poster

JustWhy1 · 13/07/2017 11:51

I wish he would just tell me the truth. I know that nothing physical has been going on for the past 3 weeks as my friends husband carpools with him as he recently started to work there and the leave together each evening. He has only stayed late 2 or 3 times before this so that is what is making me unsure. There not having sex everyday so i dont know how she has him drained. If he just told me truth at least i could make an informed decision

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 11:54

What about lunchtimes OP, if they are on flexi hours you can take up to two hours and go somewhere. They could have had one marathon session, sorry, I honestly think it's glaringly obvious.

You will never get the truth.

tccat · 13/07/2017 11:55

That message means they had sex, trust your gut, he will only admit to the bare minimum
If it was me I'd be asking to see itemised paper copies of phone bills to see the amount of contact they had
It won't stop, he'll just get more clever at hiding his tracks

tccat · 13/07/2017 11:56

Don't make the mistake of thinking they've had no opportunity, there's always a way

friendshipfloss · 13/07/2017 11:57

I'm so sorry that you are going through this & I know how unbelievably painful it is. I discovered my husband of 21 years was having an affair that had been going on for 4 years. That was 2 years ago. At the time I didn't think I would ever feel happy again, but I am divorced now and looking towards the future.

Over time I realised how stifled I was in the marriage & I am honestly so much happier now.

It is hard to understand how anyone can lie so much. Instead of coming clean about his bad behaviour my ex put all the blame on me.

You will come through this a much stronger person. I didn't really ever post on here about my situation but I found so much support from reading other people's threads & advice.

It is all a terrible shock at the moment & remember you do not have to rush into any decisions

snowdancer · 13/07/2017 11:59

At this point they have been found out, they are running scared of the consequences and from here , you will get nothing but lies, more lies, and minimising. You will never get the truth.

You have enough information to make an informed decision - but do you want to? How may chances do you want to give him?

Original poster

JustWhy1 · 13/07/2017 12:02

He doesnt leave the office during lunch i have been told this by my husbands friend who is also my friend..but yes im sure he could have gotten the oppurtunity somehow. I know i need to leave i just dont know how

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 12:10

Sorry OP, they've had sex, it's as plain as the nose on my face, I know you are looking for excuses but honestly, you already have the proof.

TheUpsideDown · 13/07/2017 12:12

"I know i need to leave i just dont know how"

Get angry. Pack his shit up. Leave his bags on the doorstep. Tell him it's over. You don't do the leaving, he does.

It's hard. REALLY fuckin hard because you're waving goodbye to your whole marriage. It's a profound and frightening moment. But you have to keep reminding yourself why and imagining the future if you stayed in the marriage. Every time he walked out the door to work where that homewrecker is too, you'll be tying yourself up in knots with hurt and distrust, the constant suspicion and wondering. It'll drive you mad and it's an awful existence to live like that.

Sunpainting · 13/07/2017 12:13

So sorry for what you are going through. I've been through similar and it is devastating.
I'm going to offer you a different perspective and feel free to disregard but cheating is a coping mechanism. It's a fucking painful and devastating one to be on the receiving end of I know that. But everything has a context. You don't need to make a decision right now or even in a few months time but you mentioned you were going through a rough patch? If you make it clear to your H that it is total disclosure or you are leaving then you might have something to work with. If you both love each other, you could go to counselling to work on communication and intimacy to see whether you can get this back on track. If you both love each other, everyone is capable of change. Xxx

tccat · 13/07/2017 12:28

The thing is you don't have to do anything right at this moment, you must be shock and everything is very raw and will be for some time
Take some time, consider your options, get as well informed as you can with the practical and financial side of leaving
You get to make the decisions now so make them as and when you feel able to do so

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 12:36

Agree, no decision to be made yet, take time out, as long as you need but make sure he's has a consequence now or he will see it as a green light to just cover his tracks should the opportunity arise in the future, he must feel the loss of you in order to feel a consequence!

HelenaHB · 13/07/2017 12:47

If there's one thing I've learned from Mumsnet, it's that the cheater only admits to what he's been caught out on. He'll drip feed if you find more evidence, trying to explain away each new discovery. Whoever said he will only admit to the bare minimum is correct.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would tell him you need time to think and I'd pack up some of his stuff and tell him he needs to go to his parents or wherever while you process this and decide what you want.

Original poster

JustWhy1 · 13/07/2017 14:13

Yes if i had the complete truth i would fell better about either ending it or giving things a go but i know that he doesnt want to lose me so i dont think i will get the truth.

I am in complete shock barely slept last night , cant eat and cannot concentrate in work. It is so hurtful that someone you love so much can treat you so bad. We talked everything through 3 weeks ago when i decided to give him another chance when i thought it was just someone he got chatting to on a night out and just messaged each other every now and again. I gave him the second chance because i knew how bad things were between us before this and because he told me he had stopped messaging her and had cut contact with her. But you cant cut contact with someone you work with

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 14:30

How did you find out OP?

Get him gone, tell him you don't want to see him until he tells you the truth then leave him to his little lies and secrets, how do you know they are not still seeing each other if she works with him?

What a mess but honestly I'd have zero contact with him now, he's continuing to lie to you and minimise.

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