Does anyone have experience of adult parents who try to control them with money?

[sewingtheseedsoflove]

Probably way too much stuff to post, but amongst the many ways my parent's strange features manifest is there tendency to attempt to control with money.

My parents are very wealthy. They can be very generous, but more often than not DH turn down their offerings as there are always strings attached.

For e.g. My father offered to give us 100k (!!!) but on the proviso that we used it to move house because they don't like our existing house (we do) and they wanted us to buy somewhere with an en suite bathroom in the guest room for when they stayed and a driveway big enough for their campervan.

About 6 years ago my Dad bought a second property near to their home (we live 200 miles away) and told us we could live in it, because they wanted us to live near them. DH and I have no intention of living near them, and if we did we'd do so in our own house. But it's a bit strange to buy a house for your adult daughter without asking if she'd like to live in it first, isn't it?

This probably smacks of first world problems.

But I think if you haven't experienced a thoroughly fucked up childhood followed by attempts to manipulate you with money in adulthood I guess it would seem strange.

Haas anyone else had similar?

(disclaimer: we declined both of these 'kind' offers)

God sorry, typed too fast. Their not there.

And DH AND I turn down their offers.

I have a friend who has wealthy parents, but possibly not to the extent you do.

She is constantly being disinherited. It's a threat and usually works although her dp is fairly immune to it and that's having a fairly interesting effect!

It's difficult when there are things they can give her that help her enormously (car breaks down-gets a new one type of thing) so, like you, she lives hundreds of miles away on purpose.

No advice, just sympathy.

Thank you dolt.

I'm currently in the process of going n/c with all the disinheriting etc that that will likely involve.

I don't care.

I don't want their money.

I wish they would have not neglected me and protected me from abuse.

I hate their blood money.

Why do people think that money is so important? I read post after post on MN about being successful/striving to earn more etc and it's JUST what my parents were like.

Yet they were hideously neglectful parents and they seem to think they can buy themselves out of being held responsible for that.

Today, my baby of 6 months wanted me to hold her but I was on the toilet at the time so kept passing her various things like tooth paste boxes etc to distract her from her wish to be held so I could quickly finish. It made me think that we start giving things in replacement of just our love and holding very early on and made me hug her all the more often today.
Yadnbu they are trying to control you.

I have this. I rekon my family gave half a million which was inherited. In my case when im skint ( always) its because im not working hard enough like they did. Im a ft teacher !

My parents were like this when I was a bit younger, because of their income I wouldn't get a student loan to cover even half a years rent in halls so their financial assistance was key in my being able to go to university. It also meant that they wielded a lot of power over my choices and they said they wouldn't fund a fine art degree and I had to pick an academic subject. I did, and I didn't enjoy it but was prepared to solider on until I ended up living with some really horrible girls had a breakdown and dropped out and went NC with them for a while as I blamed them (unfairly).

It gave my parents a bit of a wake up call, and they are allowing my younger DB to follow his dreams of going to drama school. Since I've had my daughter our relationships have improved enormously, to the point we can accept their financial help because it doesn't have any strings attached. DPs mum died while I was pregnant, she was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer and died a month later, so DP had to quit his job to get time off to see her as they wouldn't give him leave, so we had to move out of our London flat and back to our hometown. We were living with my parents while it all happened and couldn't find anywhere to rent to us and there was no way we would get social housing on time as we would have been so far down the list as we had plenty of space in my parents house. So they bought us a house in our hometown and refuse to accept us paying rent. It does have the benefit to them that they get to be nearby to their GD but they haven't abused this by dropping in all the time or anything.

I'm very fortunate that they are in a position to help us and that they are so generous. Their decision over blocking my university choices was misguided and they have apologised unreservedly for pushing me into a choice I wouldn't otherwise have made. They were fantastic parents when I was a child, they just didn't know how to deal with a mentally ill teenager and that damaged our relationship, but now it is better than ever.

I have. I learnt very quickly not to take or loan money from my mother. Sometimes I'd be desperate. Last time was about 3 years ago. Car broke down 1 week before DH payday, 2 weeks before mine. I asked to borrow iirc £400, to pay half off a week later, the other half 2 weeks later. She very easily has more than that floating around so she'd not miss it for a couple of weeks. Made my life a misery for 2 weeks. It was thrown in my face a number of times with bitchy, sarcy comments. And the attitude of 'I've lent you £X's so you can do X, y, z for me'. Once it was paid we swore never to borrow a penny from her again. Always have strings attached. Been NC for just over a year now (not money related).

And myself and 2 siblings have all been cut from her will and readded at various stages in our lives. I'm guessing I'm currently (and more than likely permenantly!) disinherited!

My ex does this to my DD. Buying large items for the house or contributing to refurbishments and then visits and stops there without being invited. DD gets agitated when this happens, because she cannot tell her DM to F* off. She feels obligated because the contributions are now significant.

Thanks all some really interesting replies.

STBXILs are like this. EX always said he was going to refuse their offers because of the strings that were attacted, but ended up accepting them. The biggest examples are:

They helped us out with a deposit for a house (our LLs were selling our rented place so we were very grateful at the time) but it came with the unspoken condition that we would live on the side of London nearest to them. When after a few years we moved to the other side of London they were very obstructive, even though where we had moved to was infinitely better.

They don't believe in childcare and because MIL stayed at home until her DC went to school she felt I should do the same and were very upset when I went back to work when DD1 was 6 mths old. When I was pregnant with DD2 they offered us a monthly sum of money on the condition that I (note me not STBXH) didn't go back to work for 3 years. I love my job and I studied for years to qualify and get where I am, I didn't want to be a SAHM.

I am always wary of posting this as I know that many people would love to be in our position, and I stress that I am grateful of the offers and opportunities, but not the control and demands that come with the offers. I left STBXH because he was controlling and EA, so the apple did not fall far from the tree...

Also NC with my mother. Years of offering to pay for stuff (which I could afford anyway) so she could then request demand I do her bidding.

Lost count of the times I declined her "generosity" only to have the phone slammed down on me because there would be an ulterior motive.

Or her making magnanimous gestures and then withdrawing them if accepted.

I don't like being beholden to anyone. It became too much if a headfuck that eventually I ran out of patience.

Overdue - that's interesting, thank you. I know what you mean about complaining about it, it always feels a bit 'my diamond shoes are too tight' so I don't explain it to others...

We made the mistake of accepting a monthly sum - not a huge amount, it didn't pay the bills or keep a roof over our heads. Was allegedly given no strings attached but my mother used to walk around our house with an air of owning the place. She has narcissistic tendencies and very poor boundaries anyway. It's taken me years to work out that by taking that money we encouraged her abuse of us.

We don't take it any more and I'm hoping to go n/c.

Wellwhoknew - interesting that you are also n/c. It just goes to show that money can't buy relationships. No matter what people think..

My parents used to do this, but they stopped when I started making it really clear that I wouldn't do what they wanted. Now every time I annoy them (ie a lot!), they say "Well, we were going to give you x, y, or z but now we won't". I just say "Suit yourselves" and carry on.
My mother is learning (slowly) that money isn't the way to control me and she found out years ago that fake heart attacks don't work (I offered to call an ambulance but didn't otherwise react). I'm actually quite interested to see what she tries next.

Sure, my mother took my £30 a week ELA when I was 16 as housekeeping. And later on when I still lived at home aged 19-20 my mother took my bank cards so she could have my Incapacity Benefit. She would buy me cigarettes though, because clearly that's all I needed in life

My father lends me money or buys me things because he doesn't see me or his grandchildren enough.

It's different to your situation but still bloody rubbish.

"Why do people think that money is so important?"

Sorry OP, but if you have to ask that question, it makes me wonder if you know what it is really like to be properly hard up.

I'm sorry that your relationship with your parents is so shit though.

Not my parents because they are actually lovely but my grand father.

He did try that with me with the result taht I haven't talked to him for years.
He even tried it through my dad (something along the lines of 'If peppers doesn't do xxx, inwill disinherit her') which ended up with dad putting the phone down on him and refusing to talk to him again. It took years to them to speak again and even now the relationship is very strained.

The reality is that, that sort of tactic might work if you, as an adult, arevrealynstruggling and that money will make a huge difference for you. Otherwise, yes it is easier to just go NC and/or refuse the money.

I remember as a teenager that I felt I was being 'bought'. I hated it.

Tbh I don't think there is anything to be grateful about that sort of offers.
They're manipulative and another type of emotional abuse. Who on earth would be grateful,to be in the position to be abused?

"Sorry OP, but if you have to ask that question, it makes me wonder if you know what it is really like to be properly hard up."

No I've never been properly hard up. And neither have my parents. So I don't really understand your contribution? Can you clarify?

Sorry just seen the rest of what I wrote that prompted your repose:

Why do people think that money is so important? I read post after post on MN about being successful/striving to earn more etc and it's JUST what my parents were like.

Perhaps people strive to have more than they need to make themselves feel more secure. I can understand that.

What I don't get is when people seem to think that money is a replacement for love/nurturing.

I think money is often tool in power-games actually. As well as sometimes being the only incoherent way that buttoned up people can show love

As well as sometimes being the only incoherent way that buttoned up people can show love

I agree.

My parents are like this and use money to control me and my sister. I stopped engaging with it years ago but my sister regularly accepts their offers and they are all over every aspect of her life, telling her how to live it. They 'disinherited' for a while years ago and behaved horribly towards her. I think she lives in fear of it happening again tbh

What's that old nutmeg.........

Give children "presence" not presents............

I know this one too well. There's also a weird dynamic between taking what's offered (with strings) and asking to borrow.

Currently we want to sell and move. My DM offered an outrageous sum so we could move into an area we couldn't afford otherwise. She has the money but I don't want to take it for so many reasons but we will keep talking about t until we find somewhere to buy.

I asked to borrow an upfront sum to put the house on the market. Hundred of pounds, and I could put it on the credit card but since she was offering tens of thousands free and clear that a small loan would be ok.

I was wrong. So wrong. I don't see the difference but that's probably because I don't fully understand what she was trying to do.

And yes, there are a lot worse problems to have.