Does anyone have experience of adult parents who try to control them with money?

[sewingtheseedsoflove]

Probably way too much stuff to post, but amongst the many ways my parent's strange features manifest is there tendency to attempt to control with money.

My parents are very wealthy. They can be very generous, but more often than not DH turn down their offerings as there are always strings attached.

For e.g. My father offered to give us 100k (!!!) but on the proviso that we used it to move house because they don't like our existing house (we do) and they wanted us to buy somewhere with an en suite bathroom in the guest room for when they stayed and a driveway big enough for their campervan.

About 6 years ago my Dad bought a second property near to their home (we live 200 miles away) and told us we could live in it, because they wanted us to live near them. DH and I have no intention of living near them, and if we did we'd do so in our own house. But it's a bit strange to buy a house for your adult daughter without asking if she'd like to live in it first, isn't it?

This probably smacks of first world problems.

But I think if you haven't experienced a thoroughly fucked up childhood followed by attempts to manipulate you with money in adulthood I guess it would seem strange.

Haas anyone else had similar?

(disclaimer: we declined both of these 'kind' offers)

I wonder how it would be if people knew that their parents were comfortable financially but refused to give out a penny?
I wonder how it would feel to be the parents who had financial comfort but had to sit back and watch their children and grandchildren be short of money?
Could the so called "conditions" not be a badly worded way of giving a form of advice?
Perhaps the parents who bought a property for their adult daughter knew that their location was a better investment than where the daughter lived. This would be an inheritable asset for the children and grandchildren.
Independence is great but be careful not to bite your nose off to spite your face
I must be getting old but I now see all the things my parents said to be right. It is rather annoying but I wish I had known this a lot sooner. It would have made my life a lot easier.

User02 you can give advice, but you can't reasonably try to dictate your adult childrens' lives.

A lot depends on the sort of parents you have. There's a lot of shades of grey between white and black of course and the love that shades most people's relationship with their parents also makes a difference (even when people ought to walk away).

In my particular experience independence of body, thought and emotions is worth any level of hunger. It gets more complicated when you have children but even so, some things come at too high a price. Not that things are usually that extreme though.

Health and love are the most important things in the world but money is important as it is crap being poor. I educated my way out of being poor. Sadly I don't have good health these days but no amount of moaney can ever change that.

Dont get sucked in to anything. It's your choice.

My Mother is now really very well off after her successive husbands died she inherited lots of stuff. If there is an inheritance from her I will give mine away, my sisters can't afford that moral choice and it is very much blood money as far as I'm concerned.

SeaEagle - I have a foot in both sides and it is so stressful. I really wonder if it is all worth it. Health and Love are indeed very important. Being poor is awful and being ill is boring as well as painful. It may depend on what the parents are like but also it must depend too on what the (adult) children are like. I am watching people who are not in great financial shape. People tried to help and got their heads bitten off. Offers have been made and some taken up only to be abused. Loans given and not repaid. (The repayments were to fund the next loan). It is hard to watch people you care about struggling but when they shout and swear at you it puts me off trying to help. When they subject their children to things they were not subjected to it is unfair on the children and hard to watch.
There is much more to this but likely would be outing. Everything offered by their family is rejected but they accept rubbish from others. I have learned my lesson. I do not offer money or goods now. It is not in my nature to be mean and tight but with all the rejections and the promotions of the views of others contrary to how they were brought up, the verbal abuse and the failure to see any needs of the blood relatives I have no option but to avoid helping at all.